Name: E
Comment: I’m new to online dating, and I wanted to know how flirty should you be on emails?
So far I’ve had a couple of messages from men lead into them saying that I’m sexy. In person, I would have a flirty response that wouldn’t be taken too seriously but would let them know that I was interested; however, online, it seems difficult to relay that without insinuating if we me meet, there will be sex.
Also, I’m finding it difficult to translate who I am (witty/sarcastic) online. In one case, I made a joke and it ended with me apologizing because they thought I meant something else; it was a debacle of an exchange. Can you provide a scenario/sample flirty response?
Also, am I right to assume that if I’m called sexy without much banter that their sole purpose is sex? I would buy “attractive” or “pretty” but “sexy” seems to pour it on.
Thanks for your advice!
Age: 30
City: Jacksonville
State: FL
There are two types of men that tell a woman they just met that she is sexy.
Type One: The socially awkward guy who thinks that complimenting the looks of a woman they just met is appropriate. In my book, it’s not.
Type Two: The guy who, as a male friend says, “just wants to get right to it.” The use of the word sexy is intention and meant to get you thinking in a sexual way.
Take a look at the comments on this thread over at XOJane. Now, this woman pretty much admitted she’s a trainwreck when it comes to dating. Yet look at how many White Knights jump in to tell her how hot she is. Yes, she’s attractive. But she could have said she likes to strap bombs to her chest and walk into playgrounds and these guys would still be all up in her business about how gorgeous she was. Those guys use compliments to get on her good side. It smacks of trying too hard.
Personally, if a man addressed me as sexy, or commented on how sexy I was in the first few initial emails, I’d bail. That is, unless I knew with great certainty that I wanted to have sex with him and therefore opened that door for him to walk through. Then I’d go along to get along. I’d reply with something demure like, “Aww. That made my day. Thanks! So, how about [subject change.]” But those cases are rare. The guys who know how to play the game don’t typically go there. The ones who don’t, well, they do. Since I’m not a fan of being involved with men who wear training wheels, I usually just stop responding or suddenly come up with a reason why I ‘m “taking time off from online dating.” Then I just block him. Guys who go the “sexy” route just seem juvenile and inexperienced to me. It’s a delicate dance, and if a man is going to need me to lead that early, I have no time for him. Then there’s the fact that these men see nothing wrong with sexualizing and objectifying a stranger. No, I don’t take it as a compliment that you think I have beautiful calves or a hot mouth. Nor do I need you, Internet Stranger, to enlighten me on all the ways my physical appearance is arousing.
How beta of you.RT @the_3_bromigos: You have curves in all the right places, baby. @atwysingle
— ATWYSingle (@ATWYSingle) March 7, 2013
So, E., to summarize, I’d ignore men who go this route with you via email. Not worth your time. They’ll either require a great deal of handling or they’re shit testing trying to gauge the level of difficulty involved with getting you into bed. or they’re just lying because they’re desperate. Who wants to be with someone like that?
I would also pay close attention to the messages (both the written ones and the underlying ones) that you send in your profile and email communications. Often I hear women talk about how guys say something dripping with innuendo “out of the blue.” Mmmm….no. I mean, yes, some dudes are just that boorish and stupid. But just as often the woman has said something she knows will be taken in a sexual way. Then when she’s called on it, so to speak, she starts clutching her pearls and fanning her face. If you put something out there that can in any way be construed as sexual, expect a lot of men to jump through that door you just opened.
I would avoid trying to wow people with your personality in the initial email exchanges. There’s too much that can go wrong with that. Keep it as simple as possible. I would also avoid any references to how sassy or sarcastic you are. That’s another one of those buzz words I consider a red flag if I see it in a profile or in email exchanges. Sarcasm is extremely difficult to convey in writing. Which is why people who use it tend to tip their hand as to how lacking in self-awareness they are. I’m a god damn barrel of monkeys, but you won’t see blatant examples of that in my profile. I focus on aspects of my personality that I feel men find important – I’m kind, I’m nurturing, I’m healthy, I’m intelligent, I’m strong, I like sex. Boom. Done. I have my filters in place to ward off guys I know I won’t be compatible with offline. I still get the occasional message from a Beta type. Delete. Block. Not for me. For the most part I hear from and get responses/meet men my speed. The profile is the teaser. It’s not a bio or resume.
Neither men nor women should try to be flirty or sexy or funny or aloof at any time online. Be cordial, be polite, be engaging, be vague, don’t get into to much detail about personal history and movie it offline ASAP. Never invest too much time or effort in these messages. The goal is to get offline. Stay online too long and you’ll get too comfortable and develop unreasonable expectations.
“Also, am I right to assume that if I’m called sexy without much banter that their sole purpose is sex?”
No, you’re not. Just as you are struggling with how to come across as “sassy” and witty over the internet, the rest of us have to walk the line and struggle sometimes with it. How do each of us differentiate themselves from so many other guys that you have the choice of dating? Sound too intellectual or just do smalltalk? Women jump to conclusions that we are dull or boring or not fun. Come on too strong and women think we’re out for sex and only sex.
I’ve got some news for you (and for everyone else out there who reads profiles and emails and passes immediate pre-judgements on people). THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN A GUY’S HEAD JUST CAUSE HE CALLS YOU “SEXY”. NO WAY. He may be genuinely trying to compliment you and get some flirting going or he may be out for sex.
Dating is all about taking risks/chances, and there is simply no way to avoid it. You’re a big girl. No one can force you to have sex with them (or do anything else with them … even kiss) if you are smart about how you meet someone the first couple of times and you are smart about how you carry yourself and the decisions you make (like not being lulled into a false sense of swooning if a guy is 6’4″ and hot … and inviting him in on the 1st or 2nd date because of that – because … guess what’s gonna happen? He’s gonna take that as a sign that you may be ok with having sex).
If you like someone, and your initial gut feeling is that you’re interested and he seems like what you’re looking for, take a chance. Go out and have fun and try to get to know him and see how sincere he is in person – that’s the only way you’ll find out. If he continues to “pour it on”, you’ll be able to use your instinct to tell that he’s out for one thing. Strangely enough … a truly nice quality guy … will probably limit his flirting/compliments to some degree early-on. Question is … can you as a woman stay interested and give him a chance to get to know him.
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No, I gotta say, Moxie’s right on this one. There really are only two reasons why you tell a girl she’s sexy right out of the gate. I don’t mean at some point after you know her, or when you’re in bed with her or something like that. I mean in your first conversation or, worse yet, as an opener. And it’s pretty much down to (1) you want to flatter her because you think it’ll improve your chances of talking with her, or (2) you want to flatter her because you think it’ll improve your chances of sleeping with her. And, most likely, neither will happen.
If she’s sexy, chances are she’s already well aware of that fact, so you saying “Man, you’re so sexy” is just stating the obvious, not to mention apparently showing zero interest in talking to her like, you know, a real human being. And if she doesn’t think she’s sexy, she’ll figure you’re bullshitting her because you want something (sex) from her and figure her self esteem is low enough that you can manipulate her into bed. No matter which way you go, even if it’s intended as a compliment, it will almost certainly backfire.
And really, whether it’s trying to get into her pants or trying to get her to talk to you, it’s just a cheap way to ingratiate yourself to her. It’s actually NOT taking a risk, and that’s kind of the point. Which is riskier? Telling a woman — attractive or no — how physically appealing you find her, or actually trying to start a conversation with her? Because saying “You shore are purty” isn’t starting a conversation. It’s equivalent clearing your throat to get her attention. It’s just noise before you actually get to the substance, so why not just…cut to the substance?
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>not to mention apparently showing zero interest in talking to her like, you know, a real human being. …saying “You shore are purty” isn’t starting a conversation. It’s equivalent clearing your throat to get her attention. It’s just noise before you actually get to the substance, so why not just…cut to the substance?<
Exactly.
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Regarding, “sarcasm” I do agree that the word itself has negative connotations and should not be used to describe yourself (witty is better. Though, if you are witty, you should not have to announce that you are witty.)
Being witty or sarcastic in your emails, however, is to me perfectly appropriate. Sure, some people won’t get it but then they probably aren’t right for you anyway. I would never engage in any sort of debate or mea culpas with someone who took something I said the “wrong way.” Some people have no sense of humor.
I try to be entertaining. Usually by the second email once I have a common basis. I find that most people are drawn in by my writing and not turned off by it. And it does lean towards sarcasm. It depends on you if you can pull it off. For me, on occasion, someone doesn’t “get it” (as you can see from the thumbs down I sometimes get here on comments that are meant to be funny). Who cares? Let the people who don’t appreciate your sense of humor go pound sand. The world needs more genuinely funny people in my opinion.
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Generally, I don’t like sarcasm because, as I’ve written before, in my experience it’s just a semi-intellectual, semi-humorous mask for negativity, nihilism, or cruelty. It’s easy to tear anyone or anything down, because everything and everyone has flaws.
And I’ve found that truly sarcastic people often lack emotional depth and character; in the name of being “liberated from conventional morality,” they’ll mock anything that smacks of virtue or character (while taking advantage of those same qualities in others). And they can dish it out much more than they can take it.
But more than anything, I just don’t like the negative energy of sarcastic people and don’t date (anymore) women who are steeped in “sarcasm” and “sass.”
[Although I’m sure there must be couples who are perfect for each other because they spend all their time reeling off acidic one-liners. I can’t universalize my own preferences.]
That said, I’ve stopped passing over women’s profiles if I see the word “sarcastic.” If everything else in the profile seems okay, I give it a shot.I think some women may use that term just because they like to laugh sometimes, not because they are female versions of Louis CK.
I’ve also learned to be open to the fact that a date’s sense of humor likely won’t match mine. All dating involves some degree of miscues and inadvertent offense, even among the smoothest daters.
If you find a joke truly offensive, you can usually communicate that subtly (though body language, a slight frown, something like that). You don’t need to “go off” on someone because you found a joke to be “in bad taste.” Paradoxically to what I wrote above, to date, you need some tolerance and thick skin.
I think in the end, you need a certain amount of prudence in deploying your own humor and generosity when others deploy theirs.
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I like someone who’s a bit of a smartass, though more on the playful side than the “everything is so lame” side. I’m in Chicago which is apparently a Mecca for improv comedian types and so I met a smattering of them. They tended to be really angry and always “on” which was a bit exhausting. I remember one guy found like 10 things to complain about in the short walk from his apartment to the restaurant when I was just thinking, like, “hey, it’s a nice day, look at that cute dog….”
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Emailing with a “u r sexy!” line is just cringe-inducing. You may indeed be sexy but this is line does not mean what you think it means.
And there’s a huge difference between being witty and being sarcastic. Witty is much easier to pull on in written communication than sarcasm, so lose the sarcasm. I think I’m fairly witty with online messages, emails, and texts, but I try to ask myself before hitting the send button: “is there any way this can be taken the wrong way?” If so, don’t send it. I don’t mean quips that can be taken two ways, those can be fun. But if it can be taken very negatively, it’s a turn off.
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If you truly are sarcastic, then just don’t talk too much though emails and texts. Sarcasm is all about tone.
Email sucks: skip the flirty exchange online & save it for date one.
Good luck – most of dating sucks anyway
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I think Moxie and you guys are really reading way too much into this.
It’s a compliment, take it, move on and judge the guy based on the other e-mails he sends after this and what he is like in the real life meeting.
If Moxie is blocking every guy she thinks is a beta, uncertain, or time waster with very little information, I wonder how she will ever find love. And you guys accused me of being being undateable before.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I am also new to online dating. I am pretty cautious about flirty behaviour in emailing, it just seems to open the floodgates. I basically think every woman on the planet gets told she is “sexy” in the online dating format. I basically do not respond to the “sexy” comment and try and steer the conversation to another place. I am not sure if my method is necessarily the right one but I do not want to give the wrong impression to somebody before a physical meet. The reality is I am an average looking middle aged chick. No piont in trying to sidestep that one.
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