Name: Just Wondering
Comment: This is more for curiosity’s sake than anything else–why did I get more attention from men (online) when I was chubby? A few years ago (in my early 20s) I was 50 pounds heavier and got FAR more responses from my online profile. A serious 5 year relationship and a loss of 50 pounds later I’m back on and get next to no attention (I have chosen photos to post that I get compliments on, full body shot, etc. I do get more attention from men when I’m out in public than I used to, though). Really I only seem to get contacted by guys looking for sex, which in and of itself is fine, but I am pretty clear about looking for a relationship in my profile.
It’s not like I’m losing sleep over this, I’m just curious. Should I post a chubby pic on my profile to go along with the others now?
Unfortunately, I just don’t trust people who say things like the “only” people who contact them are such and such looking for so and so, despite how “clear” they are about what they want.
I think we need some examples of how you’re “pretty clear” about wanting a relationship in your profile. If you’re making statements like, “Not looking to be a booty call!” or other such declarations, well, that’s why you’re hearing from so many men who “just want sex.” Remember what I said about keywords. People who cruise these sites looking for no strings sexual encounters are going to search for profiles that include words like casual, fwb, sex, nsa, no strings, etc. If you have any such words in your profile, take them out.
The people who genuinely are “just” looking it get laid aren’t even bothering to read your profile. They are spamming women with messages in the hopes something will stick. There is no way to stop hearing from these men. None. You have to build a tolerance for that.
I think reason you got more attention before is two fold. First, you were younger. Let’s face it, age can often trump extra weight/bad behavior…for awhile. Second, and this one is a little more unseemly, your weight made you a target. Guys thought you were more forgiving.
The author insists that, because she gets attention from men, that her body type/weight isn’t universally unattractive. The problem with that, as we’ve said before, is that attraction is often secondary when it comes to seeking sex. Men and women both have the ability to get past the lack of intense physical desire if the goal is to get off. Basing your perception of yourself and your attractiveness upon insincere attention you receive is where you can get into trouble. The otherspeed bump is ignoring the possibility that our weight/body type is more appealing to people of certain ethnicities other than the one we predominantly date. You can’t take that attention and assume that their race or cultural experience doesn’t play a part. The woman from this article is choosing to believe what she wants – including the feedback from her friends that her weight isn’t an issue – than accepting her reality.
No, you shouldn’t post a pic of yourself when you were heavier to your profile. People will assume that that is what you look like now. Not only that but, what’s the point? Why would you want to highlight the fact that you used to be 50 pounds heavier? We’d all need to see these older photos to better answer this question. Maybe you were posed in such a way that your extra weight wasn’t as obvious. I can’t trouble shoot a scenario like this without evidence or actual data. But then, that’s the point, I guess. I’m not sure you want an answer as much as you want an opinion/experience validated.
You seem bothered that you’re not getting the amount of responses you used to get. I understand. But I’d guess the majority of people who were emailing you before weren’t genuinely interested in you in the first place. If you want more emails, post a great shot of your cleavage. If you want to find something substantive that could possible turn into something, then except that a handful of messages a week is the standard.
People really need to accept the fact that, when it comes to online dating, we don’t have the amount of options that we think. Everybody is so thrown when nobody replies to their messages or they don’t get any emails. Hello? Is this thing on? That’s online dating for pretty much everybody. It’s a crap shoot, one that requires effort and patience and self-awareness. Forget those stories you’ve heard about all the people you know who have met online and gotten married. They are not the rule. They are exceptions to the rule. To meet them it’s going to take more than a handful of dates or a few months on a dating site. The only people trying to convince you otherwise are the online dating companies themselves along with dating coaches who are probably being compensated to promote these so-called “facts.” These sites and experts chirp about studies and research and then create pretty info-graphics and blast them out to bloggers and encourage us to post them. Trust me. I’d bet the majority of people these sites poll are not the people you’re trying to meet.
It would also serve the general dating population well to dispel themselves of the notion that they are somehow doing somebody a favor by overlooking certain “flaws.” . No, you’re not meeting them out of curiosity. No, you’re not giving them the what for because you want to school them in etiquette. You’re pissed because you convinced yourself that that Mr./Ms.McDreamy was more into you than you were into them and it turned out they weren’t.
I am sorry to put it this way, but dating now requires that people have low expectations. If you want to be a grammar expert or spend your days sifting through profiles that make your heart beat faster, have at it. You will undoubtedly find excellent reasons to stay single. The rest of us will be going out with people who don’t use semi-colons correctly or don’t look like our imaginary celebrity boyfriends/girlfriends.