Name: Dale
Comment: Dear Moxie,
Two men were given my number as an introduction. One called at 10pm on a weeknight (within days of receiving my #), the other called at 10:10pm Thursday two-weeks later. The latter mentioned in his voicemail (because I didn’t take the call) that he had my # for two-weeks and had been in Miami on business & in search of a 2nd residency there. Miami is not in a different time zone than NY nor is it an international call. I think an initial call/meeting sets a tone. These calls showed a lack of consideration and respect calling at that hour – not to mention displaying a bit of social-misfit behavior in my opinion. I have no interest in meeting them – too harsh? You only get one chance to make a first impression….
Age: 42
City: New York
State: NY
So basically you’re in a snit because these two total strangers didn’t make more of an effort to show you how important you are?
Would you also like to dismiss them because they had a 646 exchange instead of a 917?
You live in NYC. Most people consider 10pm relatively early. If it were past 11 I could see your point, but you are just nit picking here. My guess is if these men had sent you a text at 8pm instead of calling that you would have had a problem with that, too. Sorry to be harsh (not really) but I don’t think it’s fair to expect men to know what your personal boundaries are without even knowing you. They don’t know that you find a 10pm phone call inappropriate. Maybe that’s the first time they had a quiet moment and some time to talk?
Here’s a novel concept: maybe it’s not all about you? Maybe you, like these men, have some impressing to do? Dale, the days of women sitting on patios under parasols as their gentleman callers approach are gone. You could be 22 or 42, being this picky is not going to serve you well. People can not get away with this anymore.
You have manufactured a back story about these two men that probably doesn’t exist. Personally, I think people do that for one reason only: they don’t really want a relationship. I call people like this Bottle Neckers. They clog up the dating highway with nonsensical behavior and beliefs.
Not everything starts off like some meet cute scenario in a rom com.
Wow, she expects mind readers. Lucky for the guys that she didn’t call them back.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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The second guy seems to have a good career going (business in Miami, a second home there). If he’s at the office until 10, he’s not going to call until 10. Lots of women have blown off great guys with good jobs because they weren’t getting the attention they wanted. It’s stupid.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Unless you’re a senior citizen who goes to bed after Jeopardy, then 10pm is NOT unreasonable; certainly, you can’t blame the guys for thinking that. If you don’t set boundaries, then you don’t get the right to be offended when someone unknowingly crosses them.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Sounds like she wasn’t that interested in either guy to begin with. If she was, I expect she’d “make an exception.”
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Part of the beauty of the telephone is you don’t have to answer it. Call them back at a time that’s more convenient for you. How is someone supposed to know what is or is not a good time to call you, when they haven’t even met you? What’s wrong with saying “hey, I know this is super early for most people, but I usually go to bed at 9pm on weeknights, do you mind trying to call before then if you’re calling at night? Otherwise I’ll call you the next day!”. Or something like that. Everyone has different preferences, don’t expect someone to know yours before meeting you.
Personally I think 10pm is a good time for a phone call. I’m usually home, not working, just hanging out and watching TV at that time. Earlier I’m often still trying to get stuff done, and later I’m going to bed.
I’d think most people would think calling after 11pm or before 8am to be somewhat inappropriate, but there’s no hard and fast rule. If someone calls and you don’t want to talk, don’t answer.
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Dale,
You’re a 42-year-old single woman in New York City. You should be thankful there are TWO guys trying to get in touch with you to ask you out. On another note, my parents who are in their 60′s call me after 10 so that says something.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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I find it interesting that you didn’t even say that you were in fact sleeping, so I’m guessing you were not even sleeping and just feel like being a pain in the ass with arbitrary rules and expectations. Where is your consideration and respect for the fact that they may be busy and this may be the earliest that they have a chance to unwind and make a phone call?
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I don’t understand what her problem is. If she thought it was too late to talk, then she didn’t have to answer the calls, although if she really was interested, she would have called them back the next day at a time of her choosing.
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Exactly.
I mean, I get that, for some folks, 10pm is too late to call. This is why, unless I know otherwise, I assume it’s better to call before then, if possible. If not, maybe fire a text to see if they’re up for talking after 10. Not a big deal. And if it is too late, then I figure you try tomorrow, or if I call and leave a message, I’ll hear from her the next day.
I think the real telling point here is not that she has these particular standards, but that she capriciously applies them as the basis for disqualifying a guy. “Called me after 10? Dealbreaker. I deserve a guy who respects me enough to call me before 10.” Or something. To me, that just sounds like she either isn’t interested in finding something serious in general and stuff like this is a convenient way to avoid that, or she isn’t interested in this particular guy all that much.
I mean, I suppose everyone has their quirky dealbreakers, but something like this is just stupid, particularly because it’s EASILY resolved. Call the guy the next day, say “Yeah, sorry, I head to bed pretty early usually. It’s easier to catch me by, like, 9,” and then he’ll know better next time. Problem solved.
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Hell, if she’s giving out her number (which might not be the case, as the opening statement seems a bit vague), then tell them what’s a good time to call at that time. “Here’s my number, if you’re going to call me, call at….”
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Wow, the old 10 to 10 rule (never phone anyone before 10 am or after 10 pm). She needs to stick to men from her church.
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It’s really funny to see Moxie criticizing the OP, as she’s the one who’s said, “If s/he messages you between 9pm-9am, AVOID.”
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Yeah, but you know what that’s about…A totally different topic. I don’t think this lady was complaining about a “booty call”.
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Neither was Moxie, because I commented, “Hey, I work nights, so a lot of my OKC activity happens between 6-9a” to which she responded with a VERY curt, “Then you shouldn’t be dating.”
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I shouldn’t even bother with you because you’re intent upon explaining your total inability to get a date on everybody/everything else but yourself.
If the only time you have to communicate with people is between 6am and 9am, then yes, you really shouldn’t be dating, as you CLEARLY don’t want a relationship. Get a fucking smart phone like every other adult on the planet so you can message like normal people and stop your bitching and whining.
You’ve constructed your life to make dating pretty much impossible for you, and you negate and debate everything said that doesn’t allign with your perspective. For that reason alone you should stay indoors and not interact with people.
There. You got the attention you so desperately craved.
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I DO have a smartphone. Should I message people at 1am?
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