How Come Nobody Responds To His OKCupid Messages?

Name: Joe
Comment: I message more than a few women on a popular free dating site, the only problem being that they never message me back, nor do they look at my profile. Now, the first thing you’re going to say is that I have some red flags; my messages, while succinct, show that I’ve read their profile and have at least one common interest. For example, if a profile says that they like Italian food, I’ll ask about what their favorite Italian restaurant in the city is, or what their favorite dish is, or if they like a band, if they liked the last album, or if they attended the last concert, etc.
Also, as you can see, my grammar is decent. As for my pictures, they match my body type on the site, I’ve had them looked at by very honest female friends and strangers (not explaining how I came about this, too long and pointless), and there are no real red flags that I can see. I’m at the point where if I don’t get a response, I’ll ask why – just to feed my own curiosity. I’d really like to know what I’m doing wrong here.
Age: 27
City: Philadelphia
State: PA

 

No, the first thing I’m going to say to you is welcome to internet dating.

What’s probably happening is that they are looking at the tiny thumbnail that appears alongside your message and deciding that they don’t find you attractive. If the most positive thing you can say about your photos is that they match your chosen body type on your profile, that’s not a good sign. The thumbnail for your primary photo should showcase your face, head on,  clearly. It should not be taken from a distance or be some cropped/distorted shot. Wear something brightly colored so you can stand out amongst other thumbnails when people are doing searches. Oh, and be sure to rotate it so it’s right side up if you have to. Talk about lazy and not caring.

There isn’t a friend in the world honest enough to tell someone that they’re not terribly attractive or that they’re shooting way out of their league. If you tailored your questions to friends to focus on the consistency between your photos and what you say on your profile, then that would explain the responses from your friends that you received. You’ve listed all the possible problems that could explain this phenomenon except for the one that is the most likely. You’re probably, like the rest of us, average looking. I’m also going to guess that you come across like you’re trying too hard in your messages. Why do I say that? Even in this letter you seem rather desperate to convince me that the problem isn’t you. Approaching strangers and asking them to review your photos as well as following up with these women inquiring as to why they didn’t respond makes you sound horribly insecure. If you lack this kind of confidence in real life, then I can assure you that your friends are not going to give you the straight truth. Don’t email people and ask them why they didn’t respond to you. It’s a bit rude and puts the woman in an awkward position. By doing this you’re demonstrating that you you’re getting repeatedly ignored. Red Flag.

If these women aren’t even bothering to visit your profile, then either they don’t find your primary photo attractive or your messages come off like you’re trying too hard. There’s also the possibility that they have their browsing options set so that people don’t see when they view a profile. So you don’t really know that they’re not  looking over your ad. All you know is that they are not responding.

Personally, I find the questions about something in my profile a little…meh. Just tell me you liked my profile. Don’t try to engage me by asking a question about something you truly don’t care about. It’s disingenuous.

Online daters need to stop focusing on the lack of attention they get and pay more attention to the people who are showing attention. I have a client who originally had her profile set to include casual sex as a relationship option. She was bothered by all the messages she got from men that seemed to lead to sexual conversations. I told her to uncheck that box. She did that, but then was concerned that the majority of attention she received before had disappeared. Was she only getting those profile views because she had checked casual sex, she asked?

Um. Yes. Yes she was.Personally, I don’t see a problem with selecting casual sex as a relationship option, should you be open to casual relationships. You’ll need to be vigilante with how you filter profiles and have an accurate perception of your audience, of course. Yes, you’ll get a ton of messages that border on graphic harassment. You’ll have to learn to ignore them and not react. The goal is to get more views to your profile. Will you attract some people just looking for sex or who will judge you for it? Yep. But they’d likely dismiss you eventually anyway.

Without that option included, my client was now on a level playing field with everybody else, where modest amounts of page views and responses are the norm. I don’t know how many more times I can say this: this is online dating for pretty much everybody.

I’m going to stab my eyes out with hot forks if I hear one grumble from some dude who insists this guy’s experience is due to the fact that women just want attention and aren’t serious about meeting anybody. Sure, some women and men on those sites just want to collect winks and messages and show them off to their friends and yap about them on Twitter to make themselves feel better for rarely getting laid, being marginally attractive or socially awkward or overweight. If the person demonstrated a genuine interest in crafting a profile and didn’t skip steps and made a true effort, then they’re probably genuinely interested in meeting someone. Just not you. So be it. That’s how online dating works. Single people dating online must accept this. Not everyone is going to find you attractive, and most people think they have more options than they do. You either need to do everything possible to increase your options – and that means become as subjectively attractive as possible in person and in writing – or you need to accept your particular lot and act accordingly.

 

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56 Responses to “How Come Nobody Responds To His OKCupid Messages?”

  1. DumbFace Says:

    If it’s not working, just get weird/interesting. Get rid of your photo and put up something that draws attention irrespective of your looks (like a shot of you in the reflection of a pair of aviators or something). If you’re witty enough, people should at least be talking to you…

    I guess I should also say — as Moxie pointed out — that you may have to drop your standards a little if you’re reaching a bit out of your league. Be honest with yourself.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 15 Thumb down 31

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    • DumbFace Says:

      Moxie, quick question: what’s the ratio of guys vs. girls that read your blog?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 7

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        You may be correct, but it’s an insulting kind of correct.

        So ignore the Roman chorus. It’s a poll of snap judgments and shallow, fleeting reactions.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Moxie may be right that it’s your appearance but many women are not as focused on your physical beauty as you might think. It may very well be something else in your profile, like your job (or lack thereof), where you live (are you downtown, or suburbs) or, yes, your some general dealbreaker like height or weight. The problem is that women focus on different things than men do and you haven’t given us any idea about what may be deficient in your profile from that perspective.

    I’m sure you’ve been advised by female friends or maybe even blogs to point something out in her profile in your initial message because, youv’e been told, “women don’t like to feel like you’re cutting and pasting, and that women appreciate the effort.” Forget it. Women will make an exception IN A MINUTE if you’re otherwise attractive to them (again, not necessarily physically.) Don’t listen to what women say about how to appeal to them – the only woman that counts is the one that likes you. So…..

    I’m not a fan of cold calling at all. There is ZERO reason to believe that a woman will be attracted to you merely because she is attractive to you, with no other basis. Any belief on your part that she is “in your league” because you dated a woman once before who “looked like her” is a complete delusion. EVERY woman is different and comes from a different place. The probability that they will happen to like you is probably around that of getting struck by lightning. That means, to succeed with your strategy, you would have to send out a lot of messages and, then, you would still only get a few hits – not enough to work with It’s not a good strategy.

    My advice? First, get your profile and your pictures up to par – then focus on the women that look at your profile. That’s your market. Send those women a short message just saying “hello” and that “you like their profile” or something simple like that. Don’t comment on their appearance or act like you have something in common because, well, you don’t know that until you meet them and it’s transparent as Moxie said. If, in general, you don’t like those women who look at your profile? You need to readjust your attitude.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 26 Thumb down 24

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    • Matt Says:

      So, if women don’t like his profile, he’s doing something wrong, and if he doesn’t like a particular woman’s profile… he’s doing something wrong. Yeah, THAT makes sense (in Bizarro World).

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 12

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I don’t know what you’re talking about. If a woman doesn’t like his profile, it could be that his profile is flawed or it could be he’s not terribly attractive (in ways that women care about.) Neither of those are “wrong” per se. And the former seems like something he can probably work on.

        As for him not liking the women that find him attractive? Again, not “wrong,” but an intractable problem as far as I’m concerned. It’s not “wrong” to be allergic to water or air, but you’re probably not going to live very long.

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        • A guy Says:

          DrivingMeNutes,

          What you’re saying though does not make sense for a guy because if the guy isn’t attracted to the women that look at his profile, then why should he go after them. You seem to be saying that a guy should be fine with going after women he isn’t sexually attracted to. That is BAD because that relationship would last maybe 3 weeks. Would you really be fine with dating a guy that isn’t sexually attracted to you? Guys approach women they are attracted to, and don’t approach the women they aren’t attracted to (or are too shy in approaching the ones they are attracted to). That’s why it’s important for the guy to do the approaching. Guys have different types they are interested in when it comes to women. I know good-looking (and very successful) guys that are only attracted to the plus size women. I have another friend that is 29 but only attracted to women in their 40’s. Both these guys are successful lawyers and have a lot of money, so if you’re saying that a guy should just be fine with dating the women that looks at his profile instead of going after the ones he’s attracted to, then that just doesn’t make sense.

          But when it comes down to it, guys shouldn’t be using online dating. I know a guy that is a lawyer (yea, just about all my friends are lawyers), 30 years old has his own law firm, lots of money, good-looking, works out every other day, but hardly got any replies on okcupid. For guys, online dating is bad because women don’t get to know you (and therefore only have the profile and preconceived notions to go by). Just approach women in real life. Get off the computer, join groups, sports leagues, volunteer, etc. Also, the city is better for guys than the suburbs. The main thing is to be put into situations where women get to know you.

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    • LaMotta Says:

      I have to underscore DMN’s first paragraph — women are looking for things other than looks (primarily), so I doubt that is where the OP’s problem is. But to say more we need more data.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 8

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      • hammersandnails Says:

        ehh.. Women may be looking for many things, as well as looks, but I strongly disagree that looks are not the single most important reason why a man would send an email and not even generate a profile view, let alone a response.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  3. Matt Says:

    I suggest using OKCupid’s my best face, as it helps determine which of your photos is most likely to get someone to look at your profile.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

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  4. Someguy Says:

    Female standards are extra high on dating sites and they get a ton of mail, so you have to hit all the buttons and intrigue them. To some extent, raw attractiveness –top 10-20% looks, and sometimes even great abs, muscles will generate enough “‘gina tingle” to prompt a response, but you really have to hit all buttons-good job, 6 feet tall, good profile (one that shows personality, but doesn’t give the appearance of trying too hard), etc. Essentially, if you are a real catch in terms of the standard checklist….
    The message is less important than the messenger, as long as it is not trite. Put little effort here.

    If you aren’t close to this standard, meet women in person, and yrs, learn ‘game’.
    Learn what attracts women-outside of the checklists… A confident approach, a casual, easygoing indifference, and directness. Personally, I meet women nearly every day, especially during my errand running.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 19 Thumb down 25

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  5. Mandy Says:

    The OP mentions the women don’t even look at his profile after receiving the message. That means they are deciding not to message him back based solely on his thumbnail pic, and the message he sends, correct?

    If that’s all a woman has to go by, and it’s not attracting her attention enough to respond, that’s what you have to work on. As moxie said, the pic should be of your head/face only–it doesn’t have anything to do with it matching your described body type (that could be the issue if people are showing up for a first date, and then never again, but that’s not the situation here).

    So for whatever reason, your pic of your face and your message are not attractive to the women you are messaging. Maybe you just need a better pic. Maybe you need a bit of a makeover and then a better pic. Maybe your messages come off as desperate or insincere, even if they like your face. Maybe you’re simply messaging women who aren’t like to be into someone with your style.

    You have 3 options: change the women you’re messaging, change how you look in your pic, or change the message.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 2

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    • Mark Says:

      I’m inclined to agree with this thought. Especially if they don’t even look at the profile, although It might also be what you wrote in the initial e-mail adn who you sent it to.

      I think that OKcupid used to have a blog about data crunching the numbers. Some very revealing statistics were used on different subjects. I’m also sure that you have read about someone putting up a bogus profile with a photo of a really great looking guy but a really lousy profile and getting all sorts of attention.

      My guess is that the numbers are against you if you aren’t getting responses. The available pool might be very tough. So an overhaul of your profile and pics might be in order. Not to mention who you might be messaging. Just as you are reaching out to those who are interesting to you, they will reply to those who appear interesting to them.

      If you are still having trouble after that, then by all means shift more efforts on real life. If you have qualities that just don’t come through on line, then this option might be better suited to your efforts.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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      • Matt Says:

        “I think that OKcupid used to have a blog about data crunching the numbers.” Yes, and personally, I found it to be the biggest, mind-numbing waste of time I’ve experienced online.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

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    • Steve Says:

      Mandy says: “You have 3 options: change the women you’re messaging, change how you look in your pic, or change the message.”

      The fourth option is to give up, because if they’re not interested online, they’re not going to be interested anywhere else.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 16

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        own

        Womp Womp.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4

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      • Trevor Says:

        I disagree, the quality of women (talking looks) who express interest and flirt with me in the real world is far better (I’m talking really hot in their 20s and I’m 42) than any women who show interest online. Online dating sites will be like two thirds men. An oversupply of men makes men a dime a dozen. The only women who actively pursue me are generally older than me and really out of shape, even though my profile makes it clear I’m very active and stay in shape. As I’m not an any port in a storm kind of guy, online dating holds little value for me.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

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  6. Brad Says:

    I will say what I usually say to these things – I trust Moxie’s judgement of the SMP.

    Joe, please send your profile to her. She won’t reveal it here, but will give us her assessment.

    Also, please send her the profiles of the last 5 girls you emailed. It’s possible you’re shooting out of your league, she will be able to tell us (also she won’t reveal anything about the girls, she is really good about that).

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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    • Joe Says:

      Dumb question, how would I do that?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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    • Joe Says:

      Awesome suggestions all… Just a few things to clarify: by body type matching I meant that if one was to view my profile, they’ll see that my “Body Type” Description matches how I’m configured…My thumbnail is pretty much my face.

      Also, anything I find in a girl’s profile about which I message them is something that we would share in common, not random things, meaning I read their profiles.
      I do agree as well that most women on these sites are not there for attention. They can get that by making out with a few dudes at a bar.
      Another thing, I live in downtown Philadelphia, so the city.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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      • Matt Says:

        “Another thing, I live in downtown Philadelphia, so the city.” Oh, you poor bastard, good luck. I live in the Philadelphia area, and over ten years and multiple sites, I can still count off the number of dates I’ve gotten from online dating on one hand.

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      • meh Says:

        My thumbnail is pretty much my face.

        if women aren’t even looking at your profile you need to change it.

        don’t look directly at the lens & don’t smile in your main photo. you can smile in a secondary photo but not the main one. no sunglasses & no hat. make sure your background is simple & high contrast so you don’t blend into it. move your head forward & then down a little so that there is a slight shadow underneath your chin that emphasizes your jawline, it will eliminate the appearance of jowls/double chin.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  7. LaMotta Says:

    Basically spot on, but I have to disagree with Mox’s negative take on commenting on things from someone’s profile. Of course one has to not come off as being disingenuous (i.e. actually be interested in what you’re commenting on), but in my experience I get pretty good initial response results from taking the time to read a woman’s profile and find something interesting to comment on. (Of course, 9 times out of 10 this leads to nothing, but the point is, I got my “foot in the door”).

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  8. Mickey Says:

    I personally like when a man references something in my profile, it shows that at the very least, he skimmed it. I interpret ‘I like your profile’ as ‘I like your pictures’, which is fine, but telling when he then ask a question that is clearly answered in my profile.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 5

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Yes, most women do like that. Which is why men do it. Which is why it’s disingenuous. Trust me, no stranger genuinely cares about your recent trip to the Galapagos Islands or love of Italian food. It’s a hoop to jump. Men do it because they know women all apply all kinds of value to it. Not because they want to.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 18

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      • Marie Says:

        Or they could have something in common with you and be genuinely interested in that aspect of your profile. It’s a great icebreaker IF it’s a mutual interest. Someone went to the Galapagos islands and so did he? It very well may be a genuine interest to bring up. If it isn’t and it’s a ploy to get the women to answer, they’ll find out pretty quickly he was disingenuous.

        Honestly though, I don’t think men have much choice but to mention something to spark interest. A lot of women get multiple emails a day on these sites, in some cases 10+. A guy has to find a way to stand out. How would you suggest an average guy gets a woman’s attention if not through the introductory email?

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        • D. Says:

          Yeah, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it.

          The wrong way is seizing on something that is itself generic and/or offering a generic response to it. E.g. “I see you like Italian food? What is your favorite restaurant in town?” It comes across as a “programmed” response, and it’s focusing on something that’s almost as nondescript as saying “I love to smile.” Think about how many people you know who really don’t like Italian food. Chances are if you know any at all, they’re the exception to the rule. The right way is to actually show real interest in whatever it is, and maybe convey either experience with the subject, or curiosity about learning more about it.

          The thing is, all of this requires that the woman in question actually have something interesting in her profile to begin with. A picture of her at Machu Picchu, and listing that she “loves to travel” and her favorite foods are “Steak, Italian, and pizza,” doesn’t give a guy a ton to work with in the first place.

          On the other hand, if she mentions, for example, that she’s getting a Ph.D in medieval history, and you have an interest in that, talking about the shared interest and indicating that you actually know what the hell you’re talking about would, I’d expect, help the guy to stand out.
          Of course, all of that requires that she actually finds you attractive enough to want to respond. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how many amazing shared interests you have. If you’re not attracted to them, there’s no point in responding.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1

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        • hammersandnails Says:

          Online dating is hard enough for guys who look at it pragmatically. Under 30 women have the luxury of concerning themselves with expressions of true self. Guys are just doing whatever they have to to get by.

          Of course he’s just saying what you want to hear. How authentic a man is counts for nothing if you never meet up with him, and trust me, authenticity is not what separates the men you meet from the men you ignore.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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  9. AnonymousDog Says:

    Start heating up your fork……

    While I wouldn’t say that this guy’s experience is due to women not being serious, or only wanting attention, it can be said with some accuracy that men outnumber women on most free dating sites by a fair percentage, and also that most women tend to be a lot less pro-active on those sites..

    Chances are there will be a certain number of guys in certain demographics and geographic locations who will have little or no success with online dating no matter what they do, or how well they follow your advice. In short, while your advice may help some guys in some situations, it won’t work universally

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  10. Saywhat! Says:

    Why can’t we all just agree online dating is a crap shoot. All this talk about, writing better, looking better, put up better pics, blah blah is all great advice but that’s about all it is. All that really matters is that you and the person you meet have the same goals, values, etc.. If that is right then things shouldn’t be all that hard between you and the person you date. I hate to say it but talking seems to be getting stranger and stranger between emails and face to face. People are now so sensitive and paranoid over analyzing everything. Over time what values you each have and if you really believe in them together will take it’s natural course. It’s all bullshit in the beginning on dating sites so don’t take it seriously.

    My advice is, be lite in conversation. If the attraction is there then you can work on date two, and hopefully that will be the same. No need to rush anything. The real focus should only happen once you know you are dating someone serious – that wants the same things you do, etc..

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4

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  11. Joe Says:

    And one last thing, I’m asking for feedback from the women I’ve messaged, as a way to improve my profile so I will possibly get a response. I know the problem is me, I’m trying to figure out what can be amended.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

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    • Matt Says:

      That I wouldn’t recommend. It just comes across as… needy, maybe? Or trying to guilt the person into liking you? Anyway, asking “Why don’t you like me?” NEVER ends well.

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      • D. Says:

        Not only that, but you won’t get a straight answer. Or if you do, you may simply not believe it.

        Nobody’s going to say “Because your picture just didn’t appeal to me.” Well, actually, that’s not true. Some may say it, but most won’t. If they ignored you once, though, why would they take the time to tell you why they ignored you?

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        • Sarah Says:

          You probably won’t get an answer at all. If these women didn’t take the time to message you, why would they take the time to grade you?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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    • DumbFace Says:

      I don’t have anything wrong with this plan. If you sell out on the fact that you’re just looking for advice, and DON’T TRY TO WORK ANYTHING ELSE INTO IT, decent people will probably help you out. Every moron on here who’s telling you not to talk to women about what you’re doing wrong is a loser by default.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 15

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      • D. Says:

        Hey, if he wants to spend his time firing off emails at women who’ve ignored him asking why they’ve ignored him and expecting that they won’t then simply ignore him again…it’s his time to spend. I just wouldn’t expect a reply if someone didn’t write back at all the first time.

        On the other hand, if someone wrote back “Hey, thanks for the email, but I just don’t think we’re that great a fit. Good luck!” he might stand a better shot if he asked if there was anything in particular that was “wrong” with his profile or email, but I’d bet the only answer he’ll get — if he gets an answer to that is — “No, nothing in particular. I just didn’t think we were a good fit.” Which is really kind of a non-answer anyway.

        Most of the time, unless you happen to find someone who’s feeling brutally honest, they aren’t gonna say “Your pictures make you look like a fat goober, your writing style looks like it’s in an arrested state of development in the 6th grade, and you come across as being about as interesting as watching flies fuck.” And even if they do, you’ll just say “Well, screw here. She’s a bitch anyway,” and the exercise is once again rendered pointless.

        If he wants genuine, neutral feedback, have Moxie do a profile review. Maybe send her some example emails that he sends out, including links to the profiles he’s contacting. I have no doubt she’ll be absolutely honest with him about where she sees room for improvement or refocusing. But random strangers online? They’re more likely to sanitize what they say so as not to appear rude or hurt one’s feelings, or they won’t even be able to articulate it.

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        • DumbFace Says:

          paraphrase…

          Well, most girls are shallow and untrustworthy, so even if they do “help” you, it’ll probably be a lie. And, since we know most dudes can’t take constructive criticism even when they specifically ask for it, any true attempts at honesty from that hypothetical “decent” female are sure to be disregarded.

          So now that we’ve resolved that you can’t trust anyone you don’t know on dating sites, and you can’t trust yourself to listen to them even if you could trust them, my advice is to trust another random woman on the Internet who happens to be well outside your age-group to give you tips on how to appeal to women she doesn’t know anything about.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 25

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          • Matt Says:

            Well, he’s already asked some friends who generally will call you out on your crap if there’s crap to be called out, and he said they’re trusted. Whatever the solution is, I don’t think sarcasm is quite going to help.

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          • D. Says:

            DumbFace,

            Asking someone who’s ignored you once already for constructive criticism on your profile is about as effective as walking up to a stranger on the street and saying “Do I look fat in this dress?”

            I’m guessing you’ve never actually tried responding to someone when they asked you for constructive criticism or sent a follow-up email inquiring as to why you aren’t a match made in Heaven. Or, for that matter, maybe you’ve never had the experience of doing the “polite” thing and replying to an initial email saying “Sorry, just not seeing it, but good luck to you!”

            Those who have know that, at least in about 80% of the cases where you do, the other person either gets pissy and defensive with you, or just flat-out gives you shit merely because you expressed disinterest. If you try to offer constructive criticism, they either keep asking “But why?” or they feel attacked and respond rudely. Maybe Joe wouldn’t do that, but Joe’s in the minority and, unfortunately for him, there are enough jackasses out there that even well-intentioned people simply figure there’s no percentage in responding at all if you aren’t interested.

            For everyone else, who isn’t so well-intentioned, you aren’t a person. You’re pictures and words on a screen. Why should they go out of their way to spend even 5 seconds writing back to you? They don’t give a shit one way or the other.

            As for recommending Moxie, well, hey, Joe already asked her for her advice, so he must value it to some degree. If his friends won’t be constructive enough (e.g., “Looks fine to me!”) and strangers won’t tell him anything, what’s he got to lose? And anyway, by the same logic you applied — namely that he shouldn’t trust some random woman on the internet — why the hell should he trust you?

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            • fuzzilla Says:

              >Those who have know that, at least in about 80% of the cases where you do, the other person either gets pissy and defensive with you, or just flat-out gives you shit merely because you expressed disinterest. If you try to offer constructive criticism, they either keep asking “But why?” or they feel attacked and respond rudely.<

              Exactly. And given the way "DumbFace" responded to your comments and Matt's, I'm sure that's exactly what he'd do.

              Sure, there might be the rare gem of a person who does actually give constructive, useful feedback when approached in such a fashion. "Honestly, I was a bit put off by XYZ in your profile." "Huh, I never thought of it that way. Thanks for your feedback. I never would have known if I hadn't asked." You have to accept that it's a crap shoot finding someone who thinks it's worth their time to answer a question like that in a straightforward and respectful manner. And if you truly accepted that online dating was a crap shoot, you wouldn't feel the need to ask stuff like that in the first place. Also, what puts off person A, who's not interested, might be just the ticket for person B, who is. Why change to please someone you already know isn't interested?

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                Of course, feedback on his profile implies they’ve read his profile, which he said they didn’t do – so even less reason to ask.

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              • DevonMcNulty Says:

                “Also, what puts off person A, who’s not interested, might be just the ticket for person B, who is. Why change to please someone you already know isn’t interested?”

                Exactly. This is what I was referring to in my (inexplicably controversial) comment above. The only woman who’s opinion should matter to Joe is the one of the woman who likes him. Asking random women to offer comment is most likely futile and, even if he managed to get advice and “learns something about himself” it may very likely be bad, counterproductive advice for him.

                Women are not a monolith – they have different tastes, opinions and prejudices. Vastly different. Especially when it comes to men and relationships. Every time I put a new photo up on a dating site, I consult with two or three of my close female friends and, I swear to god, these women have opposite opinions on whether the photo is good. Everyt ime. And, these women are not only not strangers, but they all dated me at one time (and presumably found me attractive.)

                I refer Joe back to my comment above.

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            • DumbFace Says:

              And anyway, by the same logic you applied — namely that he shouldn’t trust some random woman on the internet — why the hell should he trust you?

              Or you for that matter. This was your logic. Not mine.

              As for recommending Moxie, well, hey, Joe already asked her for her advice, so he must value it to some degree.

              What about the value of the people he’s ostensibly trying to be partners with? He’s the judge, and he already decided they were valuable enough to reach out to in an equally revealing context.

              Asking someone who’s ignored you once already for constructive criticism on your profile is about as effective as walking up to a stranger on the street and saying “Do I look fat in this dress?”

              I talk to random people all the time. It’s amazingly effective. People are good if you don’t try to con them.

              To Matt/Fuzz/D: You all sound pretty bitter and enthusiastic about the quality of people the world has to offer. If everyone sucks as bad as you portend, why are you here? Or maybe that is why you’re here, LOL. Maybe it’s me who shouldn’t be here.

              To Joe: You should ask anyone you feel comfortable asking to help you out. If the people who are rejecting you are the people you’re trying to attract, then that’s a fine choice of person to ask. Any extra effort you put in isn’t going to hurt you. At the worst, you might just learn a little about yourself.

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                You call people who disagree with you “morons” and “losers by default” and we’re the bitter ones?

                >At the worst, you might just learn a little about yourself.<

                No, that's the best case scenario, not the worst.

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              • DumbFace Says:

                *unenthusiastic

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              • Matt Says:

                “To Matt/Fuzz/D: You all sound pretty bitter and enthusiastic about the quality of people the world has to offer. If everyone sucks as bad as you portend, why are you here? Or maybe that is why you’re here, LOL. Maybe it’s me who shouldn’t be here.”

                If I’m so bitter and unenthusiastic, then why was I one of the first people to offer practical advice about using an unbiased source (MyBestFace) to determine which picture is going to get results? Granted, Moxie thinks I’m just crying out for attention…

                Anyway, all you’ve added to the discussion is sarcasm and snark. Maybe you’re the one that’s unenthusiastic.

                “o Joe: You should ask anyone you feel comfortable asking to help you out.” If you read the OP, you’ll notice that HE HAS.

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      • Sarah Says:

        Even decent people don’t give a shit about strangers on the Internet. In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

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        • Matt Says:

          Well, that’s not true. More, it’s that when you have to choose between making niceness to others and niceness to yourself, you’re gonna pick yourself.

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  12. Horace Says:

    I get a lot of compliments on the messages I send, even when the women aren’t actually interested in me :-P The rumor is that most men write shit messages. No style. No character. No substance. Too much flattery. Too passive aggressive.

    Dear men: dating is a competition. Lift your game.

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  13. KB Says:

    To be honest if a man messages me and says anything more than “Hi” or just send me his cellphone number I’m likely to reply to him if his profile is attractive. I wasn’t initially physically attracted to any of my exes so I know that personality counts for a lot. Saying that I’m also suffering from the same problem – I don’t receive replies from the people whose photographs and profile appeal to me. They tend to check out my profile but not reply which is frustrating but clearly something isn’t adding up (believe me I’ve reworked my profile so many times I expect my ‘Save’ button is getting a complex!) I think it’s time to get to work on my photos!!!

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  14. bob Says:

    There is no way for me to come to a constructive understanding of this online dating shit. To me, it seems like most people are shallow and inconsiderate. This is only emphasized by the fact that when you are skimming through profiles on a dating site, you never have to actually reject a person. You get to make a brutal judgement call, and then discard the profile like a crumpled up napkin. Why spend countless hours modifying pictures, or writing descriptions of yourself just to achieve a fraction of someones attention? And why be at their mercy? Have you lost all dignity in your efforts to get laid? Surely no one is “that” unattractive. I’d sooner buy the services of a prostitute than apply for some other shallow assholes time. Or on the flip side you are so hideous, that your personality will never be meaningful to anyone. You can just count yourself out of the gene pool. Such is life. Your assembled and then shoved into a painful existence, quite arbitrarily, and then before anything substantial is gained you are snuffed out. All of the cruelties and hardships you endured along the way were never heard by a maker. You will never be redeemed.

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  15. horsecock rodriguez Says:

    this article is horseshit… I’ve been told I’m one of the ‘most attractive’ by OKC multiple times so no issue there, as a lawyer, I have no problem writing persuasive graceful prose, have dated extremely attractive women… bla bla bla so, then why do these silly brainless cunts, barely literate at best and mentally disabled at worst, don’t even check my profile and never respond when I’ve had far superior quality vag? I have it right here for you… they’re mostly fakes, they’re there to get their jollies off and never intend to meet, they’re hookers, or they’re catfish. yes the vast majority… how do I know? bc I see the same damn ppl month after month signed in; six month or more… no woman who gets hundreds of messages a week would stay on that site so long if she were serious about meeting someone. NOT ONE sane person would do so. what you imbeciles think bieber or dicaprio are going to find you any day now? and why do some of these vile twats sign on once a week or less? some of these gifts to mankind respond with a ‘hello’ or ‘hi’ displaying their high intellects, then when they are responded to very quickly vanish for days at a time… you bitches apparently think you’re all hillary, god’s speshul little creature singled out for bliss; hope you cunts wake up one day old busted up tired and alone and realize you’ve been lied to.

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