Comment: I message more than a few women on a popular free dating site, the only problem being that they never message me back, nor do they look at my profile. Now, the first thing you’re going to say is that I have some red flags; my messages, while succinct, show that I’ve read their profile and have at least one common interest. For example, if a profile says that they like Italian food, I’ll ask about what their favorite Italian restaurant in the city is, or what their favorite dish is, or if they like a band, if they liked the last album, or if they attended the last concert, etc.
Also, as you can see, my grammar is decent. As for my pictures, they match my body type on the site, I’ve had them looked at by very honest female friends and strangers (not explaining how I came about this, too long and pointless), and there are no real red flags that I can see. I’m at the point where if I don’t get a response, I’ll ask why – just to feed my own curiosity. I’d really like to know what I’m doing wrong here.
No, the first thing I’m going to say to you is welcome to internet dating.
What’s probably happening is that they are looking at the tiny thumbnail that appears alongside your message and deciding that they don’t find you attractive. If the most positive thing you can say about your photos is that they match your chosen body type on your profile, that’s not a good sign. The thumbnail for your primary photo should showcase your face, head on, clearly. It should not be taken from a distance or be some cropped/distorted shot. Wear something brightly colored so you can stand out amongst other thumbnails when people are doing searches. Oh, and be sure to rotate it so it’s right side up if you have to. Talk about lazy and not caring.
There isn’t a friend in the world honest enough to tell someone that they’re not terribly attractive or that they’re shooting way out of their league. If you tailored your questions to friends to focus on the consistency between your photos and what you say on your profile, then that would explain the responses from your friends that you received. You’ve listed all the possible problems that could explain this phenomenon except for the one that is the most likely. You’re probably, like the rest of us, average looking. I’m also going to guess that you come across like you’re trying too hard in your messages. Why do I say that? Even in this letter you seem rather desperate to convince me that the problem isn’t you. Approaching strangers and asking them to review your photos as well as following up with these women inquiring as to why they didn’t respond makes you sound horribly insecure. If you lack this kind of confidence in real life, then I can assure you that your friends are not going to give you the straight truth. Don’t email people and ask them why they didn’t respond to you. It’s a bit rude and puts the woman in an awkward position. By doing this you’re demonstrating that you you’re getting repeatedly ignored. Red Flag.
If these women aren’t even bothering to visit your profile, then either they don’t find your primary photo attractive or your messages come off like you’re trying too hard. There’s also the possibility that they have their browsing options set so that people don’t see when they view a profile. So you don’t really know that they’re not looking over your ad. All you know is that they are not responding.
Personally, I find the questions about something in my profile a little…meh. Just tell me you liked my profile. Don’t try to engage me by asking a question about something you truly don’t care about. It’s disingenuous.
Online daters need to stop focusing on the lack of attention they get and pay more attention to the people who are showing attention. I have a client who originally had her profile set to include casual sex as a relationship option. She was bothered by all the messages she got from men that seemed to lead to sexual conversations. I told her to uncheck that box. She did that, but then was concerned that the majority of attention she received before had disappeared. Was she only getting those profile views because she had checked casual sex, she asked?
Um. Yes. Yes she was.Personally, I don’t see a problem with selecting casual sex as a relationship option, should you be open to casual relationships. You’ll need to be vigilante with how you filter profiles and have an accurate perception of your audience, of course. Yes, you’ll get a ton of messages that border on graphic harassment. You’ll have to learn to ignore them and not react. The goal is to get more views to your profile. Will you attract some people just looking for sex or who will judge you for it? Yep. But they’d likely dismiss you eventually anyway.
Without that option included, my client was now on a level playing field with everybody else, where modest amounts of page views and responses are the norm. I don’t know how many more times I can say this: this is online dating for pretty much everybody.
I’m going to stab my eyes out with hot forks if I hear one grumble from some dude who insists this guy’s experience is due to the fact that women just want attention and aren’t serious about meeting anybody. Sure, some women and men on those sites just want to collect winks and messages and show them off to their friends and yap about them on Twitter to make themselves feel better for rarely getting laid, being marginally attractive or socially awkward or overweight. If the person demonstrated a genuine interest in crafting a profile and didn’t skip steps and made a true effort, then they’re probably genuinely interested in meeting someone. Just not you. So be it. That’s how online dating works. Single people dating online must accept this. Not everyone is going to find you attractive, and most people think they have more options than they do. You either need to do everything possible to increase your options – and that means become as subjectively attractive as possible in person and in writing – or you need to accept your particular lot and act accordingly.