City: New York
Comment: So I’ve decided to get back on the sauce and once again use a fairly popular, well-known internet dating website that’s free…Yes, I’ve been going out with a few women, with mixed success, and thankfully enjoying the experience for the most part without getting too exhausted and/or frustrated.
Last night, I was pleasantly surprised to have a first date which I initially thought wouldn’t go anywhere turn out to be excellent…instead of having the typical one round of drinks and calling it a night, we ended up having four rounds, and our conversation flowed smoothly as we opened up and got to know one another…as I got the sense that she was enjoying my company and somewhat into me, just as I was into her, I asked her if she would be interested in seeing me again. I’m in my 30’s now; I’m not into the dating games and am fairly clear with my intentions, and she was in her mid-20’s and respected the fact that I’m a bit older and have my act together (for the most part). She seemed receptive to getting together again, and I suggested getting together the upcoming weekend – we went out on a Wednesday night, so it seemed like an appropriate amount of time.
When she indicated the weekend was not looking good, I suggested the following week, and she seemed hesitant, and said she was pretty booked. Now, I understand how someone can easily book 7 dates for each night of the week, and I’m not implying that she did that. When she suggested that we meet a week and a half later, I mentioned something like, “I’m going to have to wait a week and a half to see you again?” Keep in mind as well that she’s relatively new to the site, having signed up about a month ago, but she was the one who initially contacted me on the site. After my comment, she checked her schedule again and she realized she was free on Tuesday, so we agreed on getting dinner that night.
However, I’m wondering what your thoughts are with respect to waiting too long for that second date…If she were to make me wait, let’s say a week and a half, when there was no discernible excuse like going out of town, studying for a test, etc. etc., then would that be too long to wait and a sign that she wasn’t really into me, as I had thought? Do you think my comment about waiting a week and a half compelled her to “free” up a night, because she sensed I would lose interest? What’s your take?
I generally feel like after a successful first date, barring any exigent circumstances, i.e. catering to out of town guests, out of town trips, heavy work loads, etc., you shouldn’t have to wait more than a week to see someone you’re interested in. What say you?
My take is that she’s new to the site and probably, since she’s in her mid twenties, getting a lot of offers. I don’t think she’s any more interested in you than she would be any other guy she met on there.
Here’s the thing: when a woman is into a guy, she finds excuses to free her schedule. That’s it. She doesn’t tell a man she’s booked. That is, unless she’s trying to play hard to get and/or not terribly interested. She could have been trying to seem aloof and like she has options. I tend to think that women like this are more invested in the chase and the attention than anything else. Either way, her response doesn’t bode well for you.
I’m not sure if all of this back and forth happened the same night of your first date or what. If so, yikes. You came on pretty strong. If this whole conversation happened while you two were face to face after that first date, I’m thinking she felt kind of awkward and uncomfortable. If that’s the case, she might have agreed to see you Tuesday just to get away from you and planned on cancelling once she got home.
In the future, when a woman says she’s booked, just reply back and say, “No problem. Get back to me when you know your schedule.” Don’t offer commentary like, “I have to wait a week and a half to see you again?” It just makes you seem overly invested and aggressive given you only had one date. Not only that but you really shouldn’t have to convince someone to want to see you again. That, too, is a bad sign. My guess is she wasn’t 100% psyched to go out with you again, was trying politely to get out of it, and you pushed a bit. That or her plans cancelled and she had nothing to do so she figured, “Why not?” I wouldn’t be surprised if you followed in the comments and told me that she cancelled on you. Like I said, if we like you, we make time for you. If she had been on the same page as you you wouldn’t have sensed hesitation. You would have sensed antici….pation. (Rocky Horror reference!)
I think a lapse of a week and a half after the first date ruins the momentum. There’s too much time between meetings for things to develop naturally. You want to be able to build on whatever attraction and compatibility is present in person, and rather soon. Suggesting to a date that you and they should get together again over the weekend following the first date sounds reasonable to me. I used to think that suggesting a second date within the next 2 or 3 days after the first date was too much, but that’s changed. Time is of the essence. If the connection and attraction is there, go for it. Within reason, of course. Don’t become all clingy and barrage them with texts, don’t suggest a date the next night,but do something to let your interest be known.
What was considered “too available” a few years ago doesn’t necessarily stand now because of how intense and fast the process of meeting and connecting has become.
Now, to touch on your distinction that she messaged you first and therefore that is an indicator of her interest level. You’re rationalizing. The online experience and the offline experience are two separate animals. Your profile is a one dimensional representation of who you are and nothing more. She probably sent a few messages to different men. I can assure you that her investment level was minimal, as it should be since she hadn’t even met you yet.