I’ve got a question for you that, I think, would be pretty fitting for your blog. While I am no longer in this predicament (everything worked out!), it seems like a common enough problem that others might be going through right now. The text is below:
I met a woman on OkCupid two weeks ago. We’ve been spending quite a lot of time together; all of the six dates we’ve gone on so far have been long and a lot of fun, and we really enjoy each others company. It didn’t take long before we started doing “new couple-” like things, like holding hands/each other and kissing/making out…but she’s shot down every attempt I’ve made at going to the next step and staying the night with her.
I’ve stopped seeing other people to start seeing her and am really excited to keep this going, but I am afraid I’ll have to wait months before we get intimate. I really do not want to do this nor do I want to pressure her into doing something she isn’t ready for. What do you think I should do?
Brian, 25, NYC
MOXIE’S EDIT: I asked Brian how this worked itself out and he said that he stayed at her place this past weekend and had sex. He also said that he told the woman in question, a couple dates earlier, that he had stopped dating other women. She did not ask him to stop dating other people.
If you were a little older I might roll my eyes and suggest you re-think whether you want to continue dating her. But if you’re 25, she’s likely that age or younger, and therefore her behavior sounds reasonable. If it worked for you and didn’t cause you too much second guessing, then hooray. Crisis averted. You informed her that you were only interested in dating her. Two dates later she let you stay over.
Next time, though, I’m not sure you want to be so forth coming about that so soon.
You and she have only been dating a couple of weeks. In those two weeks you saw each other 6 times. You’re a single gal’s wet dream. And that’s the problem. I think making yourself available is key. But 6 dates in two weeks and swearing off other women and then telling her? Yeah, you made it a little too easy for her. By all means stick around. Just don’t tip your hand in case you meet someone who could take advantage of your patience.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding to focus on one person after 6 dates. I think 3 dates a week might be pushing it that early on. I usually cap it at two. Yes, be available. But be smart about it. 3 days a week says, “I don’t have much going on in my life and I might become clingy.” Not only is the appearance of the lack of options unattractive, but getting too familiar too quickly might make you overly dependent.
I just wouldn’t tell someone that, especially when they weren’t reciprocating interest in the way I prefer. It’s a give and take process. Women know that men want physical reciprocation of the boobie/blowjob kind. She probably knew you wanted more than hand holding and kissing after a couple of dates. What you should have done was pulled back, and not make yourself more accessible. If she wants to take her time, that’s perfectly acceptable. But that doesn’t mean you should become her lap dog. You played right into her hands.
I know some women will say that, just by agreeing to go out with him, she was reciprocating. That’s precious. But that’s not enough. You need to show appreciation. Pay a check, organize and plan the date, ask him out, etc. Yes, of course, they want sex, too. Guys will gladly accept other gestures as they wait for things to go in that direction. They’ll be annoyed, but their annoyance will be mild compared to how they’ll feel if they’re paying for everything and making all the plans and overtures and getting nothing but a kiss on the cheek. If anything, think of paying for a date as buying time until you can have sex without fearing your friends will talk behind your back.