She had sent an email to a guy on OK Cupid. All she said, per my instructions, was that she enjoyed his profile and that he should shoot her a message if he wanted to chat.
Hey [username], no thanks but much luck here on OKC.
While I don’t think he was trying to be abrasive, that’s certainly how the message read.I said she should just take it on the chin and ignore it. Don’t lock him, don’t reply. Just move on.
I advise all clients to not respond when they get an email from someone that does not interest them. Let the sender rationalize the lack of response. (Maybe they’re dating someone? Maybe they’re busy? ) Give that person the ability to brush off the rejection and process it in their own way. There’s no need to make it abundantly clear that you aren’t interested.
I’m actually shocked that some people even send replies like this anymore. The socially appropriate thing to do is to just no respond. Not just because it’s the more humane way to handle things but because prevented further awkward conversations. Reject someone at the wrong moment and you might be in for a scathing follow up message. Or worse, they might be so broken down by the process that they ask you to explain why you didn’t feel you and they were a match.
I know people will chime in and say that they prefer that someone at least takes the time to respond to them even if they aren’t interested. I think that has to do with how isolating online dating can be. On more than one occasion I have had those days when I felt as though nobody wanted me and I didn’t matter, and online dating was the trigger. I do understand why people would prefer that rejection message. A note like that is an acknowledgement that they are worthy of notice. It’s easy to convince yourself, after yet another message goes unanswered, that you are just a thumbnail and nothing more.
This is why I always suggest to clients and readers to scale way, way back on sending the unsolicited cold call message. It can be too psychologically brutalizing after awhile. I advise people to pay more attention to those who visit and view their profiles. If they looked at your profile that’s because you probably came up in a search where they input certain criteria. Those people are looking for matches like you. Focus on them.
- Update your profile so that it includes keywords that people probably use when doing a specialized search. Write out a list of adjectives that could be used to describe you and your interests and find a way to work them into the text of your ad. The sense I’m getting is that people are less inclined to scroll through pages and pages of potential matches anymore. They’re optimizing their time by using keyword searches.
- Do whatever you can to bring people to you. Rate them, view their profile, update your profile every day, switch the order of your photos. Update your photos every few months!!
- Make sure your primary photo displays clearly when it pops up in a search. Your face should take up the majority of the thumbnail.
- If you do message people, keep it simple. “Hi..I liked your profile. Drop a line back if you’d like to chat.” Done. If they blow you off because you didn’t personalize your message, so be it. People who still believe that potential matches should craft personalized messages do not understand the online dating scene. It’s arduous and time consuming. Daters have to loosen their standards a bit when it comes to these emails! If you have to customize it, make it brief, avoid being chatty and don’t ask questions. People will respond to you just because of that inquiry. You won’t know if they’re answering out of interest or to be polite/get attention.
The goal here is to save time and spare yourself unnecessary emotional agony. When you have those moments of doubt, just take a break for a day. Walk away from it all just for a bit. Don’t quit or take down your profile and go on a dating detox. Go do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Then go back and try again.