Comment: Hi, I am an Asian woman who has lived in the city for many years. I met my boyfriend a year and half ago. For the first three months or so we were just hanging out as friends. I wasn’t physically attracted to him since he was overweight, even though he has had strong feelings for me from the very beginning. Anyway, my feelings for him eventually grew since we have a lot of things in common, e.g. we both love traveling, hiking, biking, movies, food etc. We also had quite some fights due to the differences in our background (he’s European). Nevertheless we started dating exclusively and I moved into his apartment six months ago. Things seemed to be working – he lost quite a lot of weight, we had a great vacation in Europe and met each other’s friends and family…Then he broke his knee and had a major surgery right before SANDY. I took good care of him (“she has been an angel” is what he told his friends and family). However, we haven’t had much sex since he had the accident. At the beginning it was because he couldn’t move much. But then as time goes by, some how I don’t feel the desire to do so. And we continued to have arguments. I am a very driven person who has her life together, while he’s laid back and some times I feel he doesn’t try hard enough to get something he wants. And to make things worse, he started to gain weigh due to less exercise and lack of control on his diet (who drinks three bottles of beer a day while he’s still a bit overweight?). Because things are not going well, he started to contemplate about moving back to Europe where he thinks he can have a better life. I told him from day one that I can try to live in Europe with him for a couple years (it’s not difficult for me to get a job at my company’s headquarter in Zurich). But I probably don’t want to live there for the rest of my life, since the US especially NYC is better for Asians like me (multi-cultural environment). Anyway, I feel now our relationship has come to a cross-road. I want to get married some day and maybe have a child, but I don’t want to settle with someone who is not right. On the other hand if I broke up with him, what’s the chance of finding the right one as I am getting older? We all know NYC is tough for finding the true love…
Anyway, my feelings for him eventually grew since we have a lot of things in common, e.g. we both love traveling, hiking, biking, movies, food etc.
I can buy that you developed feelings for him over time. What I don’t is believe that you could develop an attraction for him over time. What I think is that you were 35 or 36, knew you were getting up there, and tried to force yourself to feel something for this guy because you wanted to settle down. Since he had deep feelings for you, he probably didn’t care whether or not you were attracted to him. He took advantage of your sudden flexibility. It’s no surprise that your interest is waning. It wasn’t terribly high in the first place.
But then as time goes by, some how I don’t feel the desire to do so.
Some how you don’t feel the desire? Really? More like, “I finally had an excuse not to have sex with him.” I know you will find that harsh, but if you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit that sex wasn’t really that much a priority for you from the beginning. You wouldn’t have become romantically involved with him if it was. As I’ve said before, people who like sex have it. I’m guessing that having sex with this guy in particular wasn’t really doing it for you anyway.
I think if you poll many women and told them that they could be totally honest, they’d admit that they’d be satisfied with a relationship that didn’t require sex.
Your question in a nutshell is this:
I want to get married and have a baby. Should I continue to settle for this guy that I’m not terribly attracted to?
My answer depends on what it is that you truly want. If all you want is a child, then adopt or go to a sperm bank. If you want to get married so you can build a life with someone and raise a family….then stay with him. But if you want that as well as a relationship that fulfills you emotionally and sexually, then you need to end things with this guy now. Like right now. Will it be easy for you? Well, it will be slightly easier because you’re an Asian woman in NYC. But you’ll still be 37.
I know some people want me to tell you to break up with this man and go find your bliss and that you can do better. Reality? You might not. So you need to decide, pronto, what it is that is most important. You also need to accept, depending on what you want most, that it might never look like what you thought it was going to look like. It never does.