Beware The Man With An Ulterior Motive

April 10th, 2013

Beware, Dating, Moxie 101, Red Flags

Name: BB
:
Comment: Okay, so I have been dating this guy for about a month and a half. After two weeks of talking every day and three dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, so I guess I should say my boyfriend. We are a lot a like and we always have fun when we are together. He is always a gentleman. He opens doors for me, walks me to my front door at the end of the date, and always pays. We were friends in high school, and when I asked where he thought we would be if I hadn’t changed schools at the end of our junior year, his answer without hesitation: We’d be married. He talks about us having children and grandchildren. We haven’t had sex because he said he wanted to build on our friendship from high school first. We do kiss, and there is plenty of chemistry between us.

Everything was going really well until my birthday. I will say that for one of our dates before my birthday, he showed up two hours late. He said that he tried a different way to get to my house from his parents’ house, and he got lost for about twenty minutes. He apologized, and I accepted along with explaining that his showing up late wasn’t acceptable because an ex of mine would make plans and then never show up. Okay, back to the day of my birthday. He called and wished me happy birthday just after midnight, which was very sweet. We made plans for him to join my family and I for dinner. He called about two hours before dinner and said he was on his way, but never showed. He called me five days later, but didn’t offer an explanation as to why he didn’t show.

Then he stopped calling and texting for two weeks. He texted me yesterday and said he felt lost. I asked him why, and he said his family just lost his childhood home. Then he told me that he had given up his apartment, before we started dating, in order to pay his parents’ bills. The reason he gave up his apartment is because it became really expensive for him to pay the bills at both places, so he started living out of his car. His job is about two hours from where his parents lived. He said that he was sorry for not talking to me, but he wanted to figure out how he was feeling about everything before telling me what was going on.

While I understand that he definitely could have handled the situation better, I don’t think that anything that has happened should mean the end of our relationship.  My mom and sisters think his behavior has been horrible, and that I deserve better.

My question: Should his actions (being two hours late one time, not showing up another) speak louder than everything else? I need outside perspective.
Age: 29
City: Raleigh
State: North Carolina

 

I don’t think that anything that has happened should mean the end of our relationship.

You mean, other than the fact that he’s been living out of his car?

You seem to want to press on regardless of what’s going on in his life. That doesn’t really set a great tone for a relationship. What this all boils down to is that he can’t give you what you want. End scene. Lights are dimming. You don’t have to go home, but ya can’t stay here.

As I have said dozens and dozens of times: beware the man who commits too soon. 3 dates, no sex,  and he wants to be your boyfriend? Red Flag. I’ll take a wild stab and suggest that he very well might have been trying to line up a place to live because of his financial situation. I know. I’m so suspicious!

Regardless of what his modus operandi might be, the facts remains that this guy has already shown you that he’s unreliable and unstable in various ways. Yet, despite the obvious tell-tale signs that something is amiss, you still want this guy to be your boyfriend. All you appear to be concerned about is whether or not you and this man have a relationship. You don’t care that he’s lost, you don’t care that he’s homeless. What is consuming your thoughts is whether or not you have someone to call #omigahboyfriend.

What you’re asking me, in a nutshell, is if it’s okay for you to disregard the fact that this guy bailed on your birthday and didn’t call you for a week, then called, then fell off the face of the earth. My answer is: No. No it’s not okay that you look past that. The rest of the stuff is what you should ignore, as it means nothing. This guy rushed you into a relationship, probably for a reason other than because he truly cared.Now he’s backing out.

We haven’t had sex because he said he wanted to build on our friendship from high school first. We do kiss, and there is plenty of chemistry between us.

Adorable! I just want to pinch his cheeks and eat him up with a spoon! But, yeah. No. I’m thinking that amazeballs chemistry is in your head.

I will say this again. Any man that commits to a woman before they have sex and after so little time is suspect. Maybe you forced his hand some way. I don’t know. What I know is that someone that eager to solidify a relationship has an ulterior motive.

 

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22 Responses to “Beware The Man With An Ulterior Motive”

  1. Jacob Says:

    “Any man that commits to a woman before they have sex and after so little time is suspect.”

    Couldn’t agree with this more!! Absolutely true!

    • Howard Says:

      It is what it is. He left you hanging twice. There is such a thing as a cellphone and texts or a brief phone call. Dependability is a cornerstone to healthy relationships. And I am talking relationship on the whole, not just love. His financial and homeless situation may also be something for you to consider. He may need to get that in order before he goes making promises, he can’t keep. Ever heard that Tina Turner song, “What’s love got to do with it?”

  2. JEM Says:

    OP! Listen to Moxy. THAT is exactly how I ended up married to and very gratefully divorced from a flaming sociopath. But I didn’t have Moxy to talk any sense to me at the time.

  3. coffeestop Says:

    Why does anybody male or female believe overly complicated explanations when dates flake out. If the story is complicated then either the person who flaked is lying or they are full of drama. Yes, actions do speak louder than words we can say any kind of bullshit we want to dates or potential boyfriend/girlfriends but how we conduct ourselves is what counts. People actually have to be reminded of that? Sigh. I wonder if the person writing in enjoys these types of dramas because most people who had birthday plans with another who bailed on them after making specific plans and then did not hear from them for a while would not want to continue dating them.

  4. Selena Says:

    I can’t fathom why a man would ask a woman to be his girlfriend after two weeks and then disappear for the better part of the next month. One would think he would be eager to spend time with his new girlfriend. One would also think he would want to have sex with his new girlfriend. You had the high school friendship, you’re adults now, why do you have to resume the high school friendship BEFORE you have sex? Was there a time frame on that? It just sounds weird and unnatural.

    Are you sure this guy is straight? Are you sure he’s homeless? Has he asked to move in with you?

    He doesn’t sound like a boyfriend to me. He sounds like a guy who made an impulsive decision after 3 dates with you and subsequently regretted it.

  5. LostSailor Says:

    My mom and sisters think his behavior has been horrible, and that I deserve better.

    Well, while I would normally not advocate listening to women who say you “deserve” better, Mom and sisters are slightly better gauges than girlfriends. I will say that if you stay with this guy, you definitely deserve the pain the choice will bring.

    I agree with Moxie that this guy is probably looking for a place to stay, and that there were plenty of early red flags that BB willfully ignored.

    But: We made plans for him to join my family and I for dinner. He called about two hours before dinner and said he was on his way, but never showed. He called me five days later, but didn’t offer an explanation as to why he didn’t show.

    He called to say he was on his way to a dinner with you and your family and never showed, only to call 5 days later without explanation? Really? REALLY??REALLY???

    You don’t need outside perspective, unless it’s a qualified medical professional.

    Wake up. And run…

  6. wishing u well Says:

    OP: this is a liar / manipulator / mooch. RUN!!!!!!!

    I’m just going to break the red flags down for you. Ready? Let’s go:

    Red flag # 1: Covered by Moxie pretty well – intense courting with 24/7 initial availability followed by a pressure for commitment without ever having sex? Yeah – something isn’t right here.

    Red flag # 2: “I will say that for one of our dates before my birthday, he showed up two hours late.” In the day and age of GPS, Google Navi and Google Maps 2 hrs late? With no call or text to let you know what’s going on? Please. He’s young enough to be technologically savvy. This was an outright lie, and a pathetic one at that. Unacceptable behavior. He knows it. You know it. We all know it.

    Red flag # 3: “Back to the day of my birthday…We made plans for him to join my family and I for dinner. He called about two hours before dinner…but never showed. He called me five days later.” Need I bother to say that the lack of mutual respect is clear? He treats you as an after thought.

    Red flag # 4: “His family just lost his childhood home.” It takes time to be foreclosed on. He knew of said event well before you stepped into the picture. What does that have to do with the cost of apples? Nothing. This is not relevant to you, serves as an intended distraction on his part, and excuses nothing.

    Red flag # 5: Things that just do not make sense. “Then he told me that he had given up his apartment, before we started dating, in order to pay his parents’ bills. The reason he gave up his apartment is because it became really expensive for him to pay the bills at both places, so he started living out of his car.” Ummm…what? So the reason he couldn’t live with his parents is? After all, he is paying for their place (supposedly). More lies.

    Red flag # 6: The fact that you are now witnessing a “personal hurricane” in his life so soon. All of these horrible events in his life “just happened” to him, all at once, right within the 6 weeks after you guys got together? Please. He’s LYING. No one is THAT unlucky. Don’t you get it? You’re being set up to be a patsy. Because he’s “treated you so well” and “is serious about you” – he’s trying to play on your sympathy card for you to “be there for him.” Whatever you do: don’t give him money, don’t let him borrow anything, and don’t let him spend the night at your place consistently! If you let him stay: he goes when you go. Do NOT let him get comfortable and move himself into your place.

    Here is what I think is next on the agenda.
    Red flag # 7: He “loses” the “2 hr away job.” For the record, I believe that this is an imaginary job. Giving that distance discourages you from actually verifying where he works or even looking into it.

    The distance / disappearing acts? I believe are due to him “working” several women simultaneously. He’s looking for the perfect naive fool who will “be by his side.” I pity the fool who continues with him. Don’t let it be you, OP. I wish you well.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Excellent breakdown.

      ** Ummm…what? So the reason he couldn’t live with his parents is? After all, he is paying for their place (supposedly). More lies. **

      It seems striking that the OP didn’t stop and ask this question herself (i.e., employ critical thinking). I’ll give the OP the benefit of the doubt that she’s normally reasonably intelligent, just lonely and under the influence of the #ohmigahboyfriend effect. Anyway, that particular exchange seems like a classic example where the creepy one punches up the drama of the story so the trusting/gullible one feels sorry for them and therefore would feel like a jerk asking for further clarification “at a time like that, when they have so much going on.” People like that *always* have “so much going on” that, if you really listen, is almost 100% self created. There’s never any room for your feelings. Does that sound healthy or fun or desirable? Listen to Moxie, there really is freedom in losing that #ohmigahboyfriend mindset.

  7. Yvonne Says:

    “While I understand that he definitely could have handled the situation better, I don’t think that anything that has happened should mean the end of our relationship. My mom and sisters think his behavior has been horrible, and that I deserve better.”

    Huh? I’m also amazed that even after telling him that being 2 hours late was unacceptable (especially after he was lost for just 20 minutes), that you didn’t press him when he never showed up for your birthday, vanished for almost a week, and never really explained why. Aren’t you the least bit suspicious? I agree that he wants to get money or a place to crash out of you.

    You need a reality check big-time. Do you really want a lying, irresponsible, homeless man to be your significant other? Have you considered therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low that you are willing to disregard all the red flags, and endanger your own well-being just to have a boyfriend? In this particular instance, your mother – and your sisters – really do know best.

  8. Yvonne Says:

    Oh yeah, and then after another 2 weeks of disappearing, you get…A TEXT. Telling you he feels “lost.” The more I think about it, the more this guy sounds like a whack-job.

  9. VJ Says:

    All fine thoughts & WYW gives the run down on the flag football here. But again, all or most of this might be also well explained by the standard issue ‘poverty randomizer/Randomization’ bit too. So knowing that going forward is crucial as well as the thought that you might well also be being played for a sucker too. But not as uncommon as imagined, and when you’re fairly poor, your life also gets more & more chaotic as a result. Good Luck, ‘VJ’

  10. Marshmallow Says:

    A friend of mine is going through the EXACT same thing – down to the homeless guy living in his car. Except in my friend’s case, she and the guy were engaged 20 years ago, he broke it off, and then one day he looked her up out of the blue. She came to find out his girlfriend had thrown him out and he was looking for a place to live. After a whirlwind courtship with my friend, he went back to the ex. This great guy was also married twice and a deadbeat dad. But nothing was ever his fault.
    The OP didn’t mention if she was in touch with the guy all these years or if he just came back. I think a lot of women ignore the latter because they think it means the man couldn’t stop thinking about her. But as Moxie has said, he just ran out of options.

    • Eliza Says:

      Marshmallow – nothing IS ever the fault of men like this. They never own up or take responsibility for anything. Take out the violins…they have sob stories – countless ones…of their woes…emotionally, physically and financially. I know a man that after being divorced–moved back with his mother – at age 50! He does the “crying game” too…everything is the exe’s fault. His credit is damaged, he lost his home (again because of the ex). Ladies…when a man is ejected time and time again–there IS A REASON FOR IT! We are not saviors–who will “change” a man like this. It is what it is. Run–for the hills. Better to be by ourselves…than in bad company…or in the company of a parasite…looking to live of us. Of course a man like this is going to scour the net looking for someone to live off.

      Not long ago–a man I broke it off with like 15 years ago–looked me – on the internet – yes, easy to find someone…and tried to reconnect – after 10 years – he moved back to NY from Arizona. Guess what? He was the same irresponsible lost soul – he was when I first met him. This time with a daughter–he left behind, and of course “a crazy ex”…for these men, all their ex-wives “are crazy”. They take no accountability. He was unemployed, and living off of his cousin. no car. No home, and again–the same old song and dance. Message: Some people do not change or evolve! You can’t save them or change them.

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Ever wonder why he looked you up?

        I love how women tell these stories about the guys scammed them and never once ask themselves why the men chose them.

        • Eliza Says:

          Actually–didn’t have to wonder. We used to work together–when I was working and putting myself through undergrad. We became friends…and yes, didn’t know him that well…and decided to give me a him a chance as we did get along. He was a nice guy–just didn’t have his act together. Never did I state that he “scammed” me. merely stated that we broke communication – he moved to AZ…and then about 10 years after that he moved back to NY (with a relative)–he did look me up on the internet–since I moved…and sent he me a letter to reconnect. I confirmed that he was back in NY – and again “unstable” – couch surfing – as you put it. Nobody scammed anyone out of anything monetary or otherwise. And yes, it’s factual. It can occur.

      • LostSailor Says:

        Right. It’s always the fault of the man who has had his income confiscated, along with his house, his credit and life ruined in divorce. The exes are always saints, never crazy….

  11. HiYah! Says:

    Everything everyone above said.

    “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!”

  12. Horace Says:

    “I don’t think that anything that has happened should mean the end of our relationship.”

    Some people are dumb.

    I don’t care what kind of shit you’re going through, if you stand me up without a phone call, we’re probably done. If you don’t call me for 2 weeks, we’re DEFINITELY done. Handle adversity like a grown up.

  13. sj Says:

    EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!

  14. D. Says:

    The OP should walk away from this guy. He’s given her all the info she needs to know he’s bad news. There are two possible explanations for what’s going on here.

    1.) He’s lying to the OP. In which case, he’s a scumbag, can’t be trusted, and the OP shouldn’t be involved with him. Don’t hang around with liars. If they’re lying about one thing, they’re probably lying about other stuff, too. If you can’t trust that they’re telling the truth, why be with them?

    or

    2.) He’s telling the truth. In which case, he does not have room in his life at this point for a relationship. He may want one, and may even think he’s capable of having one. But he’d be wrong, and he’ll drag the OP down with him, like a drowning man dragging down someone who dives in after them to save them.

    Look, this guy committed one of THE cardinal sins in dating: He stood the OP up, and then didn’t have an immediate apology and explanation. And when he did finally get in touch, he said nothing about having stood the OP up. Regardless of the reason why he did that (again, either because he’s a liar and doesn’t give a damn, or because he’s ten kinds of screwed up and he spaced out about it), he’s “told” the OP that he is NOT relationship material.

  15. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Her boyfriend missed her birthday. That should have mattered more to her.

    Every grown adult has family and money issues at any given time. Why would his parents’ living situation be something that affects his dating life? Anyone who reacts to the normal annoyances of life by making his relationships difficult isn’t someone you want to date.

  16. LaMotta Says:

    I don’t have much to add except if I see another female letter that starts out “we [met recently] and talk every day and get along great and he opens doors for me…” I’m going to scream.

    None of this means anything other than (a) he is interested initially but not necessarily long-term, or (b) (less common) he’s trying to “scam” you.

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