How to Avoid Looking Like a Creep On OKCupid (This Applies To Men AND Women)

I have been a huge advocate of the dating site OKCupid for some times now. I like the functionality, I like the questions and I like that it’s free (though I pay for it.) You’re not shooting off messages to a bunch of people who very well might not be paid members and therefore can’t respond. There’s very little deceptiveness behind the OKC business model, which is why I use them.

However, in the past few months I have found my patience with the members of that site growing thin. My frustration has ratcheted up a few notches since posting profiles in other nearby cities. That means that I’m dealing with three times the average online dating annoyances.

I want to do a quick run down of things that people do that, unbeknownst to them, make people feel uncomfortable or irritated.

1. Repeatedly viewing someone’s profile - If you don’t want to pay the membership fee for OKC, then create what the kids call a “stalker profile” so you can cruise anonymously. Making daily pit stops on someone’s profile – when you know that they can see you visited – makes you seem odd. Or weak. I so, so , SO wish OKC users had the ability to prevent someone from viewing their profile. Alas, they don’t. Consider how it would make you feel if you were walking to work and, every day, you saw the same person peeking around a corner at you. Weird, right? Yes, it’s weird. I’ll give someone a couple peeks. That’s normal. But to look at them every day or every other day for weeks straight? Creepy. Stop it. Also cease repeatedly viewing someone’s profile while you know they’re online. That’s just a way to get someone curious enough that they’ll message you. Either message them or don’t. Constantly looking at their profile while they’re online makes you look like a pest.

2. Admitting that you recognize someone from the offline world - Maybe you know them from a job or through friends or, you know, their blog. It’s never a good idea to open with, “Hey, I saw you on the subway last week. You got off at Union Square.” That is going to make people wonder if it’s just a random coincidence that you found them or if you’re stalking them. To speak more specifically, you will NEVER win points with me if you send me an email and say, “I love your blog.” Ever. Ever ever ever. The typical regular male reader of a dating blog usually falls in to one of two categories: the white knight or the PUA/Manosphere types. While there are a handful of guys that come here that I know genuinely come here for the discussion, a lot don’t. I will always err on the side of caution on that one.

3. Including your phone number or email address in your intro email – Sorry, but that reeks of desperation and social cluelessness.

4. Posting only photos of yourself taken by a cell phone or laptop – You’re a social recluse and have no friends.

5. Completely disregarding the user’s stated preferences - Trust me. If I wanted to date a 25 year old, I’d have set my desired age range to include 25 year olds. If I wanted to date women, I’d list myself as bisexual. If I wanted to date someone in Scarsdale, I wouldn’t have said in my “You should contact me it” section that I wanted to hear from people who live in the city or was looking for a city-minded guy. Pay attention to the clues, because they’re there. When people who fall not just outside someone’s stated preferences but well outside them contact you, they’re telling you one of two things. One, they didn’t read your profile. Two, they think they’re so god damn special and unique that you should make an exception for them. People have to remember that if they’re ignoring someone’s preferences, other people probably are too, causing that user to be barraged with a shit ton of useless, annoying messages. Change your username to SpamIAm, because that’s essentially what you are if you disregard someone’s preferred criteria.

6. Making inappropriate comments in an intro email - I once had a guy open his message to me by saying, “Good Morning, Horny SoandSo.” Mind you, there was no mention of sex in my profile, nor did I have the casual sex option checked off. He explained that he addressed me that way because of some of the questions I answered. So I cleared all of my questions out. Of course he had to email me again after doing that to tell me that that was probably a smart move. Again we have an instance of total and utter social cluelessness.While I put myself in the position to be approached that way by being so forth coming with my answers to those questions, that doesn’t mean it’s a good rule of thumb to be that brazen in your approach. Bottom line? It’s gross. If you’re smart and experienced, you know the best way to get what you want.

7. Jumping on to IM or emailing someone as soon as they log on - I know with OKC it used to be that, when someone logged on, a little dialog box would pop up alerting you to that. Give someone a few minutes before you try to contact them. Immediately trying to reach out  makes you look like you’ve been sitting online and waiting for them to appear. Le Creep.

8. Ignoring common signs that someone is trying to end a conversation - The main reason why I am hesitant to respond to folks who continuously view profile is that, once you respond to them, they won’t leave you alone. If someone’s conversation gets shorter and shorter, or they talk about how busy they are, or they actually sign off an email with “Have a good one!” they’re trying to leave the conversation. If they don’t return your questions with questions, they’re usually replying to be polite.

9. Picking fightsI was reading this article last week and was blown away by the blatant hostility of the men writing them. Obviously, some of these messages were part of larger conversations. There’s no doubt in my mind that some of these guys were somewhat provoked into being assholes. However, some of these messages are written with the intention of offending the woman so that she will respond. You know how, in grammar school, boys would tease the girls they like. This is the adult version of that. However, if you’re going to insist upon including hot button topics in your profile, learn to expect some people to try and debate you. If you can’t have a rational or mature dialogue about the subject, don’t include it in your profile. If you’re just going to trade insults, you’re no better than the person who picked the fight.

OKC used to offer members the ability to filter messages. That way they wouldn’t have to constantly respond to that little ding notification on their phone and learn that yet another person who in no way meets their explicitly stated preferences has emailed them. OKC got rid of that feature once Match.com bought them. The logic, I assume, is to drive people so batty with messages from people they don’t want to hear from that they’ll head on over to Match. I’m not going to slag on OKC for that decision, because that’s business and everybody needs to make a living. However, I want to plead to people who shoot off messages to people without reading profiles and to folks who think they’re some kind of unique case to stop and consider how soul-sucking it can be for someone to have to slog through messages from people that aren’t what they are looking for. Please. Just stop and think before you send that message.

Stop screwing with other people’s experience online. Just stop.

Post Script: I’m going to suggest something kinda daring. I wouldn’t even bother reading your OKC emails anymore. I am starting to think that the people who view your profile and don’t write are the only people you should consider contacting outside of the occasional unsolicited cold call message. I actually believe some people now consider viewing a profile the same as sending a message. It’s like relying on Caller ID to let someone know you called without leaving a message.

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44 Responses to “How to Avoid Looking Like a Creep On OKCupid (This Applies To Men AND Women)”

  1. The D-man Says:

    Re: #6 – I follow the rules of social grace and it works out fine for me. But today I stumbled across this and it definitely made me go hmm….

    http://looksmatter.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/looks_matter_you_are_not_a_model_equals_you_are_invisible_to_women1.jpg

    I don’t buy the argument that looks are 100% of attraction, but those in the 1% of looks can get away with a lot.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 2

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    • meh Says:

      that was very informative but i hate that they revealed the user names & phone numbers. but i guess they felt it necessary in order to prove that it was real & not photoshopped.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • Dirty Nerdy Says:

      I find it telling that they showed only 5 responses from women. I wonder how many women they sent that message to who didn’t respond at all, or who responded the exact same way the last woman did to the average guy. The sample here was self-selected, the ones they chose to include in the image were self-selected. Sorry, I just don’t buy the overall message here.

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  2. mindstar Says:

    Well I think the test would have more validity if the average guy had emailed the same women as the fake model but still a frightening demonstration of the power of the pretty/handsome.

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  3. Lalalatte Says:

    #5 – Getting messages from age inappropriate guys is my biggest frustration with online dating in the past 6 months, really young guys age 25 emailing a 39 year old screams two things to me, mommy issues, and or cougar town. Just no! I both block the users, delete their messages, and move on.

    I wish OKC or Match had an option where a user could choose to have their profile hidden from users who don’t match their basic criteria, age and location at the very least. Sure that will limit the users overall visibility but it would also cut back on the frustration for people who opt in for it.

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    • Brad Says:

      And ex’s, of course. It’s uncomfortable to look at your ‘Viewed Me’ and seeing the picture of the face you looked at for a year.
      Especially if you took the picture.

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      • E Says:

        LOL I’m glad I’m not the only one! My ex’s new profile pic is the picture I took of him when I took him on an expensive birthday trip. He even upgraded to A-List to change his username and hide from me so maybe I wouldn’t see that he immediately went back to OKC after we broke up. However, he still shows up in my inbox since he was one of the last people I exchanged messages with before I left OKC. I guess it’s time for me to get back on it too!

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    • Steve Says:

      I wish I had your problem of getting messages from 10-15 years younger women.

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    • C Says:

      I hear ya, but it really isnt that hard to click the “Thanks but no thanks” button a few dozen times. Just take it as a compliment when a 25 year old flirts with you….because there will come a day when the 25 year olds will stop hitting on you and really thats not a good sign :-).

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  4. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    I am really starting to believe that the only people sending messages now are the people either just looking for sex or who don’t have any luck on the site.

    I think people are so tired of sending out messages and hearing nothing back that they’re viewing profiles, rating/winking etc but not sending messages. That’s why you have to go through your visitors list and focus on those people.

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    • Matt Says:

      “That’s why you have to go through your visitors list and focus on those people.”

      That only works if the people visiting your profile are people you’d be interested in. If not, then you’re kind of SOL.

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  5. fuzzilla Says:

    >2. Admitting that you recognize someone from the offline world -<

    I actually always do this if I spot a friend-of-friend or someone I know from a class or something. When I do this I'm not hoping to get anywhere romantic. I'm just kind of embarrassed that they know I looked at their profile, so I just send some short, friendly, "Hey, small world, ainnit?" type message. This presumes they also know me – perhaps in a casual way, but they do know me. It would never even occur to me to message some stranger and say "I saw you getting off at XYZ train stop" or "I know you work in ABC building" or whatever.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  6. LostSailor Says:

    That these are all pretty common-sense guidelines but need to be repeated is a little depressing.

    1. Which is why I pay the nominal OKC fee to keep any browsing private. But I thought you could “hide” or block other users. I don’t care if they’re looking at the profile (well, okay, no much), I just don’t want to see it or hear from them if I’ve blocked them.

    2. I made this mistake early on when I recognized someone I know in an extended-social-circle kind of way. They were obviously using a username that hid their identity, but I recognized all the photos from Facebook (I’ve since made sure that none of the photos used for dating are up on FB). So I messaged her the similar “hey, small world” thing. It turned out to be very awkward. She was clearly embarrased to have been “caught out” online dating. We swore to keep each other’s secret, but still. I’ve recognized a number of women I know on OKC, but will never make this mistake again.

    3. Agreed. Desperation

    4. I hate selfies. I know it can be hard to get good photos, but it’s not that difficult. Even if you have to lie to get a friend to snap some photos (“I need some new profile photos for with web work thing and don’t want to use Facebook stuff. Can you just snap a few in the part with me tomorrow?”), it’s worth it.

    5. Again, I’ve never really understood why people do this. I’m pretty solid about not messaging anyone if I’m outside their preferences. Why bother. But then, while I know I’m incredibly hansome and devilishly witty, I also know I’m not a special snowflake…

    6. No, people should still keep doing this. Making inappropriate comments in an intro message weeds out the clueless and leaves me a better opening.

    7. I don’t get this either. Why waste time and energy insulting someone just because they won’t date you? But I agree, a lot of those seem to be taken out of context (not that it matters) and carefully selected for high asshole factor.

    I do definitely agree with focusing on people who have visited your profile as opposed to cold-mailing people from a “match” list. Though because I’ve had a number of dates over the last several months that were one or two and out, so I’ve started screening them a little more carefully.

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  7. Nasher Says:

    Three things I constantly experience from women on OKC:
    – Women repeatedly viewing my profile without messaging me
    – Women Completely disregarding the my (and their) stated preferences
    – Women posting only photos taken by a cell phone or laptop

    So should I label as ‘creeps’ all these women who constantly do this to me? I suspect I already know the answer.

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  8. Missy Says:

    How about: old photos?
    Or 10 old photos with one recent one in the mix. I’d like to see the current version of you- ONLY.

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    • Nasher Says:

      Geez, old photos are a CONSTANT problem I experience. And it’s really not all that difficult for guys to tell ladies ..

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  9. Art M. Says:

    You are making this too hard. People are human.

    E.g. your stated preferences are just that: preferences. If George Clooney asked you on a date you would not decline due to age difference.

    Your advice is, perhaps inadvertently, an enumeration of the ways in which some women make this way too hard. Probably guys do it too. Maybe online dating is just too superficial.

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    • lalalatte Says:

      Actually George Clooney is in my preferred age range…

      I agree everyone has preferences and states them on their profile. It’s acceptable for someone who is SLIGHTLY outside of those preferences to contact you, one or two years beyond the age range, maybe an additional 25 miles beyond your stated dating zone. If there is enough interest on both people’s part they’ll decide where and when to make allowances beyond their preference. What Moxie was striking at is people GROSSLY beyond the range of a users stated preferences. She’s is 100% correct that people who ignore those preferences didn’t read the users profile or are so incredibly arrogant to believe they’re above those preferences without reproach. Neither scenario is attractive.

      Online dating isn’t that hard if you’re willing to do your homework. Moxie has mentioned time and time again on this blog about how on OKC a member may have a great narrative and photos but you’ve got to check the answers to their questions for clues about their attitudes to lifestyle, sex, religion and other key factors. I’ve been doing that as part of my “vetting process” and it’s helped me pick better matches overall.

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      • C Says:

        Its kind of individual.

        I had a very small age range. I think it was 35-42. I had a 48 year old guy ping me and while I would normally say “no”, I decided to go with it and he turned out to be VERY attractive to me.

        I also had a freshly divorced 30 year old ping me which was a big no-no in my book for many reasons. He turned out to be brilliant, mature and engaging. We had several very fun dates before I moved.

        You are a big stickler on age. I’m a stickler about height. The next woman may be a stickler for income or ethnicity or what have you.

        Its like spam. A guy has nothing to lose by sending it out. You may as well do it and maybe 1 out of 100 times you’ll get lucky.

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    • The D-man Says:

      There’s George Clooney and then there’s “George Clooney.” The man is an icon. Someone who merely looked like him would not do as well. But if you know that the actual George Clooney is asking you out, you know a lot more about him than whether he has a nice smile.

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  10. Tinker Says:

    I don’t know about using profile views as a sign of interest. You could view someone’s profile and see they aren’t attractive to you or read some deal breaker and decide not to message them. When I was online the worst were messages from guys that would say something like ‘I see you stopped by but didn’t message me’ – what do you say to that except ‘uh…yeah’.

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  11. somerandomgirl Says:

    Why would I post photos of me with my friends? If it’s a dating site, I’m not there to whore out my friends. That’s stupid advice to post photos with my friends, what am I looking for a guy who wants to bonk them too?

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    • juliannaQ Says:

      Yes, I personally don’t care for photos with friends and more especially photos with children of any age. Why would you put someone else’s photo on your dating profile page? And why would you put your children’s photos there? There are some photos I’ve seen with groups of male friends where you have no idea which one put the page up. All of the above make me give it a pass. Selfies can actually be quite revealing as to how one sees themselves so I do not mind them.

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  12. Jerry Says:

    “Posting only photos of yourself taken by a cell phone or laptop”

    Lolz….. What else do people use to take pictures these days?

    What millennium are you from?

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I’m from the millennium where everybody else understood that statement to mean that people shouldn’t take photos OF THEMSELVES with their laptop or cell phone.

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  13. Andy Says:

    Agree with all of these points.

    Number 4 is one I am guilty of though.

    I have no friends. =)

    Yeah, I know this is a deal breaker to many women. Just how it is, I am quite introverted and making friends later in life, whilst it isn’t impossible, but it’s not that easy either – most people have these things established. These tend to be the same people that don’t need dating sites though because it’s all accounted for in said established social circles.

    I can only give you my word that I am not a closet homosexual or a serial killer, but you won’t believe me. That’s fine though – after all, this is the internet where no one sympathises and everyone generalises.

    Peace.

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  14. a man Says:

    wow, nice tone-deaf rant about all the stupid people who find you attractive, im totally clueless as to how you ended up alone at 39, and desperate enough to need three dating profiles.

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  15. Rolling_Eyes Says:

    Regarding #9:

    “Offensive” is VERY subjective. Women online have ridiculously fragile egos. If you say anything other than fawn over how gorgeous they are, they lose their minds.

    I have made challenging, yet respectful and intelligent comments when a girl has written something controversial on her profile. I was met with childish insults and name-calling.

    HERE IS JUST ONE EXAMPLE:

    ME: Oh lord (or yahwey), not another “partner in crime” reference. *barf*
    Sent on Apr 13

    HER: If you don’t like it don’t message me ass hole! Go fuck yourself you low life scumbag

    Now tell me, my initial message was me making fun of the LAME and outdated “partner in crime” reference. Was I really that offensive? Was her immature response justified?

    COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR RESPONSE FROM A PATHETIC LITTLE WOMAN WITH A FRAGILE LITTLE EGO.

    I rest my case.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Offensive? No. Obnoxious? Yes. You tried to neg her and it backfired on you. If anything, you look ridiculous for not knowing how to use her response as an opportunity to actually get to know her. #negfail

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    • Yvonne Says:

      “ME: Oh lord (or yahwey), not another “partner in crime” reference. *barf*”

      Seriously? You don’t get why that would annoy someone? You are either very young, very immature, or both.

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    • Grizzly Says:

      “Oh lord (or yahwey), not another “partner in crime” reference. *barf*”

      “I was met with childish insults and name-calling.”

      Yeah, no sh1t sherlock! Have you tried changing your approach? If thats “just one example,” then obviously its not working.

      Some men can pull off those kinds of approaches, but judging by her reaction you aren’t one of them. Chicks like being negged, but your teasing has gotta be fun and playful; your comment here makes you come across as really pissed off and not fun or exciting to be around, and that probably also comes through in your profile. A chick wants someone who will show her a good time, not have arguments with her (well, normal chicks do).

      Look, if you’re going after chicks who put “controversial” things in their profile, and you send them “challenging” messages, you ain’t gonna get doe-eyes and sugar cookies back from them. Know your targets–for example, if you message a vegan Jew and tell her that you oughta rub her face in raw bacon covered with milk then you won’t get a friendly response.

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  16. Howard Says:

    I am a little late to this party, but had to comment, because all the animus that seems so objectionable to the author threads through her entire piece. I truly believe most people who do online dating need to stop, take a deep breath and recite OM! We just take this stuff too seriously.

    What’s the point of getting worked up about someone endlessly viewing your profile. I don’t think the stalking analogy applies. It’s more like “the guy who hangs out at a particular corner” looking at you every day you go by. Now if he says something, then I can see the need for complaining. If all he does, is look at you when you go by, it’s just what happens when you go out your house. People look at you. Also remember that if one changes one’s profile pic often, people will inadvertently look at you a second and third time.

    This notion of privacy at an online site just doesn’t exist. These profiles are in the public domain, and easily searched and found. It’s the price we pay when we use an online dating site or facebook or any of these things. So some people are indeed going to tell you they saw you at some site. One has to expect it. We can make a point not to date that person, but getting our panties or jocks in a bunch about it, is just pure drama, that’s all.

    Sometimes for the sake of our sanity, we have to avoid over-dwelling on all things, that should be, and shouldn’t be. It just takes too much time and energy to be trapped by that! Some things are indeed self-fulfilling. Staying easy-going and assuming the best in people, just attracts other people like that to us. Drama and pickiness just attracts the same.

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  17. Indi Says:

    Hi, I had to step in, I just joined OKC and according to the article and the under 40 world in general, I’m a stalker. This is what happened, a guy came after me VERY hard on OKC, we exchanged phone numbers and he proceeded to text me. We never spoke on the phone. He asked for pics (only nonsexual) and I was aware that he, ummmm, masturbated to my pics. We definitely had a sexual connection and discussed being casual f-buddies, NSA, etc…Here’s where I become the stalker. I Googled him and found him on FB. *Note, on my OKC profile, I honestly answered that I Google everyone I meet. I was looking at his profile and accidentally friended him on FB. I was embarrassed and I fessed up. Now, I could have avoided telling him, he may never have even known. He was pissed and blocked me on FB. Now, how come it’s ok to masturbate to my pics but then ger so offended when I made an honest error and then told him? I actually thought he’d laugh it off. People friend me offline and I don’t mind. It makes me know they are really human.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I’m not sure how someone accidentally friend requests people on Facebook, but what likely happened is that he wasn’t interested in meeting you anyway and the Facebook thing was an excuse to shut things down. He probably also felt creeped out that you took what little info he probably gave you and managed to find out his full identity. As normal as it is to Google people nowadays, nobody likes knowing just how traceable they are.

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  18. Ishtar Says:

    I only got an OKC account this spring. I have disabled it temporarily because I am dating a guy I met on there.

    Honestly, I was expecting the weird sex messages because you just hear so much about them. But thankfully they were few and far between and only one of them was really explicit.

    But what really shocked me was the amount of messages that were just plain hostile and combative. Stuff like demanding why I was on the site with my looks, insinuating that I must be unattractive/a sadsack in real life to be on the site. Saying that I sound stuck-up or that I am so full of myself. Or the one that asked whether I was a ‘feminazi’. (Note, I don’t care if you hate feminism or whatever. Guys who are on some kind of ideological crusade are an instant turn-off, whether Marxist or right-wing.)

    Keep in mind that I don’t have anything political or ideological whatsoever on my profile. Nor do I give off an opinionated vibe, I don’t think, and I don’t have any checklists or disclaimers. I mostly talk about my slightly eccentric hobbies…

    Some of them were just very negative. (“I don’t suppose you will ever respond to this message, but…”) A negative attitude is a total turn-off for me. I want somebody who is easygoing and positive, not someone who always sees the worst in people. There’s only a certain kind of man who can pull of dark humour. Most men are not that man.

    Oh, and of course the (borderline) racist messages. The ‘Me Love You Long Time’ type. Yeah.

    I don’t generally respond to these hostile messages, I just delete them and block the senders. But I did tell off Feminazi Dude – because it was just the last straw. I had gone through a spate of these aggressive messages. To be honest I think this dude was just socially clueless. I told him that women were not responding to him because of his poor attitude. But tbh I kinda regret replying because it just wasn’t worth my energy. Anyway, he ended up being deleted and blocked.

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  19. Ryan D Says:

    Good tips for people who are wondering what’s going on in the head of a touchy person (fair, since many who resort to the Online dating scene tend to be touchy), but most of these acts, if not all, are harmless.

    I can’t speak for everyone (I’ve learned that, just because I have a clean motive, doesn’t mean EVERYOBE would), but here is what I’d think, if committing the above purported faux pas:

    1. “Oh yeah, I remember this person. Why does their name keep showing up on the list of Locals? Maybe there’s something new to read!”

    2. “This person seemed cool when we interacted offline. If I let her know that we’ve met and talked, she won’t think me overly forward”.

    3. Wouldn’t do this, for safety reasons.

    4. “They say introverts tend to be the least photogenic. All my group photos make me look AWFUL! Dang… Maybe I can take a BETTER picture, so I don’t look like I did after a sweaty kickball/football game, when I overexerted myself, twisted my ankle, and was in excruciating pain”!

    5, 6, 7: Agreed.

    8.Don’t be a flake, and expect people to read your mind. Say what you mean, mean what you say. No shade if you don’t wanna talk, but I’m going to assume you’re a grown adult who can politely indicate disinterest without being pass overaggressive and indirect. Of course, if someone’s flaky ENOUGH, I’ll grow bored and walk away. Congratulations, super awkward person who indicates disinterest by….talking to me.

    9. I’ve only ever got on someone’s case for Separationist, bigoted, racist or sexist remarks. Sometimes, the only thing to be found on such sites is the occasional arsehole who thinks its okay to suggest that people should be segregated by their melanin count, or what they were (without choice) born with between their legs.

    Bitter? Yes. Bigots and sexists are a sore spot for me. *shrugs*

    But your article was a good read!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

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    • Ryan D Says:

      Looks like someone either hit the “Thumbs Down” by accident, or isn’t overly fond of perspective.

      I met a girl who claimed to be polyamorous. We talked for awhile, then I went all the way to meet her. She spent the entire time putting the moves on me (her entire BODY on me, at that), then texted me after and said “you would’ve got some, if you hadn’t tried coaxing me into kissing you”, then threatened to call the cops if I messaged her again.

      No worries there. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

      In another situation, when I saw someone as online, I’d continue with my other online activities ( I write paid articles, do art commissions, etc), then if they were still there, I’d say ” hello”. After months of equivalent exchange in our dialogues, I log in one morning to this elaborate SPEECH in my Inbox about how she was “trying to drop a hint” that she wasn’t interested.

      Okay, Bozo the Clown, when was I to interpret that? Our talks about poetry, bestselling novelists? Oh, is “Anne Rice” or “NaNoWriMo” not just an author or a national literary competition, but doubling as slang for “I’m disinterested” too?!

      See, that kind of behavior is indicative to me of a poor communicator, and sometimes even a person with low emotional IQ. They expect people to be CLAIRVOIYANT and interpret everyday conversation as “oh, I am showing disinterest by engaging you in conversation almost DAILY, sometimes INITIATING it”.

      Love or hate this glimpse outside of one person’s pair of eyes, this is what’s often going through the mind of the other person on the other end of that online dialogue.

      Here’s a tip, for those who aren’t comfortable being assertive…. Copy paste the following, paste it in their window, then hit Submit. If you don’t want a reply message, Block them afterwards:

      “Sorry, but while you are someone’s prize catch, I’m afraid that someone isn’t me.”

      Then, if you don’t mind conversation, add:

      “I don’t mind light conversation, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t expect my feelings on this to change.”

      Instead, if you don’t want to chat with them, write:

      “I’m looking for something in particular, and I’m only on OkCupid in my spare time to find it. Thank you for your interest, and I hope you find that special somebody out there!”

      If you don’t think human beings deserve even this baser level of human respect, then what business do you have trying to find one of said Human Beings to take interest in you and invest in you?

      Three keys here:

      1. Assertive, BUT COURTEOUS, communication.
      2. Don’t expect anyone to know something you haven’t explicitly expressed.
      3. Don’t try ‘reading between the lines’, because there’s usually nothing there. If you can’t interact with people without being rigid with fear/distrust/cynicism, you might be due for a bit if a break. Take some time to “do YOU” as they say. Take YOURSELF on dates. Pamper YOURSELF. Spend time improving YOUR life and making it more pleasant.

      When you feel you’re ready to embrace a healthy degree of optimism, you just might be ready to try again.

      I found my current live-in girlfriend through that site, using the tips outlined above.

      I’ve never been happier.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 4

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  20. Ryan D Says:

    PS: “Feminazi” is, from what I’ve heard, reference to misandric individuals who hide their hatred/distrust/loathing of men behind the cause of Feminism, ignoring that Feminism isn’t about fighting men, but promoting a woman’s freedom of choice over her own life, her own destiny, and her right to equal treatment.

    I don’t use the phrase “feminazi”, so I can’t be 100% certain on it’s usage, but so many people respond to people’s reaction’s to their abrasive behavior as being a ” race thing ” or a “misogyny thing” or a “money thing” when, sometimes, you (or I, or whomever) just happened to come off like a totally hateful, toxic person (even if we have good intentions, and didn’t mean to).

    Just saying: emotional intelligence, and mindfulness work wonders.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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  21. Theo Granger Says:

    Ryan, you’re being trolled by someone. Personally, I think you made some good points, but I think someone’s out to grief you; one of those OKCupid creeps the blogger talks about prolly!

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  22. john Says:

    This is so simple people, If you freely and of your own free will put data in the public domain, other people can and will do anything they like with it and there is nothing you can do. Do not expect anybody to conform to your arbitrary moral code of practice and do expect men to pursue women regardless of sense or apparent reason. People have nothing much to lose in this environment. Bottom line is don’t have online profiles at all if you are worried people will look at them.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  23. Tom Says:

    While a couple of these points are valid (not publishing your personal phone/email for example), the author seems to be overly paranoid and a real snob herself in many other areas. I’m guessing she’s older than 40 to be this cynical. For example:

    1. Repeatedly viewing someone’s profile:

    I go on OkCupid every couple of weeks at most – and when I do, I often don’t remember at all who I’ve viewed or even messaged previously! The only way to check if you’ve seen someone’s profile before… is to click on the goddam profile! Get over yourself thinking guys are stalking you – maybe they have busy lives, and you frankly are not worth remembering that much.

    2. Admitting you know someone from offline world: more overthinking paranoia.

    Why the hell wouldn’t you say hi if you recognize someone? The two times I did recognise people – both people who worked in the same building as me but that I’d never spoken to – I said “hey! You work at Ralph Lauren too!” I quickly became friends with both of them, and one of them is still my best friend 6 years later. You’re clearly closing yourself off from great potential experiences and relationships – its your loss.

    5. You can totally disregard those criteria in SOME circumstances. I was recently in Malaga and feeling frisky, and messaged a stunning 43 year old milf (I’m 28) who had explicity said 3 TIMES on her profile she wouldn’t even respond to guys under 35, or anything looking for sex. My first message laid my cards on the table: I’m 28, and I want to have sex with you. It took me 2 dates to close the deal, and she’s to stay with me for the weekend in October. Result.

    7. Is also BS – if you like someone, message them straight away. I remember my friends in high school telling me “wait 3 days” before asking a girl out when I first got into the dating scene. I said screw that, called them up straight away, and they were usually very impressed at my confidence. I continue that policy to this day, and I get laid more than anyone I know. (And yes, I’ve also had long-term meaningful relationships too – I just like to fuck in the meantime.)

    I would actually ignore most of this article – GUYS, it’s all about confidence, and going for what you want, while of course being cheeky, charming, full of wit and try and create a bit of mystery about yourself. I, for example, never tell a woman what I do for a living until she’s begging me. Works a treat.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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  24. Anon Says:

    “4. Posting only photos of yourself taken by a cell phone or laptop – You’re a social recluse and have no friends.”

    This is ridiculous.

    I have many friends that don’t really take photos of themselves: not everybody is a social-media monkey such as yourself.

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  25. Dan Says:

    So not having friends means you’re not entitled to a relationship or happiness like everyone else? I guess lonely and socially awkward people, depressed people, people with Aspergers etc. All of these people everywhere should just kill themselves and give up on life according to your attitude. They shouldn’t strive to make their lives better or maybe meet someone. You know.. maybe carve out a small corner of the universe for themselves, share a little joy with another person in the short time that they exist.

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  26. Timothy Horrigan Says:

    I am reminded of the words of the late great Joey Ramone: “Can’t please all the people all the time, all the people all the time— but then they don’t please me!”

    https://youtu.be/shaSP1Em5b0

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