Comment: To whom it may concern:
I am little lost on this dating scene.I wanted to be honest.
First, I am balding, non-white/asian (it unfortunately matters I learned), Christian, and I can’t sing(hah).
But I do have a M.S., a job, live with my parents, and attending law school at night. In the culture I was brought up in, living with your parents until you were married or at least when you finish school was expected. But I am constantly seeing that people value someone that lives on their own but has family values. I am little lost on that concept. I am a only child, I love my parents, and I have friends, but apparently I am not good enough because I live with my parents? Living with my parents has allowed me to keep an eye on my parents, get closer family relations, save plenty of money(apparently women like that, $100K+ in the bank). Furthermore, whenever I want to date someone outside my ethnicity I am already tagged as some vagrant or loser with loose morals that should not be given another thought. I have low expectations as it is already but still could someone throw me a bone—hah.
QUESTION: So my question is, how can I level the playing field where I can date other women of different nationalities and not have to face that stigma?
Easy. You move out and live on your own. I have to say that I call bullshit on the “but I save so much money!” excuse for having roommates or living with parents. Being an adult is about making sacrifices. When I hear the word roommate come from anybody over 27 or so I hear, “I’m not ready to grow up.” You can live on your own and still save money. You might not have the size apartment you might have if you didn’t have roommates, but you’ll have a roof over your head. It’s about living within your means. If you can save 100K while being in law school, you have the means.
In a rather heated exchange with my niece and nephew last week, I had to explain to them why I’m opting out of owning a condo that my father had purchased and let my sister live in that was included in my Dad’s probate estate. I created a bullet point list of why gifting my portion over to my sister would be a very, very bad move financially for all involved. I also had to explain the terms of the promissory note drafted by my father when he sold my sister, their Mom, his home. It struck me, as we were going back and forth and they were accusing me of being greedy, that neither of them have ever lived on their own. My niece is in her mid-twenties and still lives at home. My nephew, 31, only recently moved in with his fiancee. Neither of them have ever had to go through the process of renting an apartment or buying a home. They’ve never dealt with landlords or had to pay property tax or applied for a mortgage. Therefore, everything I said went right over their heads.
By 22 or 23, most people here have moved into their first apartment. By 27 or 28, they’re living alone. Which means they are not only responsible for the financial aspect of that by creating and living on a budget and watching their credit score, but for keeping their home clean, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. That kind of autonomy and responsibility is crucial in our development. As I was saying to a friend the other night, there’s an incredible sense of pride in knowing that all your bills are paid, you’re debt free, and you’re contributing to a savings and planning for your future. As someone who always had a financial safety net of sorts in my father, I can not tell you how good it feels to stand on my own. (And, no, my trust has not played a major part in that.)
As long as you have that safety net of living at home, Guy, you’ll never truly be considered an adult.
It’s not just the “weird” stigma that you’re facing, Guy. What people are also wondering when they consider dating you is how you’ll cope with being “on the outside.” Lacking the experience in basic responsibilities like paying rent sets you behind developmentally. Yes, women like men who are financially stable. But you live at home. It’s not hard to accrue a 100K savings when you’re not paying rent or a mortgage. A woman would be a lot more impressed if you had a mortgage and 25K in savings.
I think you’re using your cultural traditions to justify why you don’t want to spend the money on an apartment. You know that living with your folks compromises your love life. Yet your desire to sock away cash appears to be overriding that. You want a girlfriend and a social life? Move out. You can move close to your parents and check in regularly. There are plenty of work-arounds here.Should you move out of Brooklyn there’s this magical system of cars that run beneath the ground that can transport you to wonderous places like Queens and Williamsburg.
Your making excuses because you don’t want to spend money. That is at the top of the list of things that women find unattractive.