Five years ago in college, I met a guy who I was very attracted to. He was very shy and quiet and it was hard to get to know him. Throughout the entire time we have known each other, we sent occasional text messages and hung out only a few times as friends. We were in relationships on and off and, quite frankly, did not know much about each other’s personal lives.
A few months ago, I messaged him to see how he was doing, and also wanted to get together to catch up. He responded around 11:00pm (hours after I had initiated a conversation) saying he has “always wanted me” but “never knew how to act around me”….And also that he always felt something was there.
He said “yes” to meeting up after I asked, and then bailed. And we made other plans, and bailed again. Disappeared. Please keep in mind, I was always the one initiating for months. Then, he finally said, “Look. I have a girlfriend. I always felt something was between us. I’m worried I’m going to screw something up and don’t think it’s a good idea for us to hang out. Maybe someday.”
Five days ago, I ran into him at an event. He spoke with me as if nothing was wrong. I actually apologized to him for texting to hang out so much knowing he has a girlfriend. I got a text from him (again, late at night around 12am) saying “I’m so glad to see you. I was nervous before but glad I saw you. I want to see you. Let’s meet up. Are you busy tomorrow night? I can meet you for a drink by your office. You looked really good. Sleep well.”
We said we would meet on Wednesday. Wednesday rolls around and I hadn’t heard from him. I texted him. HOURS later, he responded “I can’t today.”
I have texted him several times and called him once since. Have not heard back from him once. Please help. I really need advice.
Thank you for your thoughts.
City: New York City
I’m not sure what there is to say here. He has a girlfriend. That explains why there are large gaps of time between your communications. He’s probably not alone. I’ll also guess that the texts that come in late at night probably occur after he’s been drinking. That explains his courage. Then, the next day when he’s sober, he realizes what he did and backs off.
He’s not really giving you mixed messages. His message is very clear: I am not available. When he said that he was worried that he might screw something up, I think he was referring to his relationship. He’s trying to do the right thing, albeit poorly, by his girlfriend. You need to back off.
If he does ever cheat on her with you, he’ll regret it immediately and cut you off completely. You two aren’t star crossed lovers. You are not trying to help along fate’s design by pursuing him. This feels, to me, like maybe you looked him up one day because you’re currently single and looking for a boyfriend. Now, because he’s given you a tiny bit of attention, you think you’re close to getting what you want and refuse to let go.
You’re 24 years old. There is no shortage of men out there for you to chase around and beg to meet with you. Harsh? Sorry, but that’s what you’re doing. You ran into him at an event? That’s convenient. I mean, maybe you did. I’m doubting that, though.You’re pestering him with texts, some to which he doesn’t even respond. Hon, time for you to grab some dignity and move on.
If you have to do this much work just to get a guy to meet up with you for a drink, he’s not interested. Forget about the fact that he replies to your texts and the things that he says. He’s being kind and a little self-serving. He likes the attention. He’s going to keep you around for when he eventually dumps his girlfriend. And then he’s probably going to do the same thing with another woman.
You’re never going to have this guy. Not completely. So why bother?