Comment: I met a guy through my work a while back. At first, he was just another customer, but he became a regular and so most of our staff got to know him by name, what he liked, chatted about little details in ours/his life, etc. I wasn’t interested at first, he’s younger than me, a little out of my league (he’s very built to my curvy size 12), and we didn’t seem to have that much in common. He’s very into the workout scene, martial arts, ultimate fighting. I’m not a gym fan (though I do work out at home), and I don’t really like violent sports. (Though I suppose you could argue all contact sports are violent in their own way.) But we carried on some harmless flirtation, goofing off when he’d come in. Whatever.
We became friends on facebook. He had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, but he would occasionally send me messages “Hey, what’s up?” after hours. They weren’t ever flirty, we’d talk about our weekend plans, comment on some event in the city, and move on. Skip to about 6-8 months later, I’m single, he’s single. I had, on occasion, invited him out when we’d message about weekend plans, not really expecting him to show, which he didn’t. Now we’re both single and he sends me another message, I invite him out and we start some heavy flirty, sexy chit chat, what have you. He doesn’t come out, already at a friends house watching “the fight,” but the next night we meet up specifically to hook up. It was the best sex of my life (so far).
We hook up again a few nights later, I texted him, went to his place again. He has yet to come to mine and we’ve hooked up a few times over a couple months. Some with me prompting through drunk texting.
I know where I went wrong with him. I started the whole thing off with sex. I don’t mean that in the way with sleeping with someone on the first date can be a bad lead in. I mean, there has been no date. It’s only been sex. And I also know that there won’t be a relationship with this guy, even if I want the opportunity. I’m not a complete idiot. If he wanted to see me outside of HIS bedroom, he would. Simple as that.
I don’t hear from him often (though he constantly likes my photos and comments on facebook), but I ran into him recently and we had an impromptu lunch. We flirted heavily, me trying to hold back because I don’t want to jump into this again with him knowing the results. I told him about some changes with my work, how my schedule is opening up, seriously as just to say I’m excited about the changes, and he sees it as an opportunity to “sort of” ask me out. I say “sort of” because we didn’t make definite plans. He says he’ll text me and we’ll go see a movie Friday. I did get texts from him earlier in the week. But Friday has come and gone with no word.
I realize that his flirtation and mention of a date was his way of trying to keep the door open for more hook ups. And if that’s all I wanted, I’d be okay with that. So of course, since I want more, I’m disappointed. But that really isn’t my question.
I gave this guy the wrong impression. I started it out with sex, combined with a few drunk texts, he seems to think I drink a lot, an obvious turn off by his comments in conversation. But truth is, I really don’t. When he and I were hooking up, I was dealing with a rough situation with a friend, and was going out to distract myself. He just got caught in the drunk text blur.
I know I can’t salvage a potential something besides sex with this guy, even though I’d like to, but my question is: Is it worth my time to try and explain my actions to him, even when I know it won’t make a difference relationship-wise?
No, it’s not. He’s not interested in anything more than an occasional hook up. He’s made little to effort with you beyond Liking a Facebook status. You’re done the majority of the pursuing. When he’s available, he participates. When he’s not, he doesn’t. It sounds like you kind of force situations and conversations and he just sort of goes with it to be polite or if he’s horny. Hence his half-assed plans for the movie on Friday.
You can belabor this for as long as you’d like. It has nothing to do with how things started off or your drinking or any other combination of mishaps that has created this Perfect Storm in your head. He’ll have sex with you, but he’s not interested in dating you. That’s it. Side note: Anybody who makes snarky comments about whatever lifestyle choice you make, be it religion or drinking or whatever, is a douche. Tell him to take his pious bullshit elsewhere. He enjoys watching grown men punch each other in the face. That’s not exactly high brow entertainment. That’s a step above cock fighting.
There are plenty of reasons for why this turned out the way it did. It could be that he’s just not looking for anything too heavy or obligated right now. Or it could be that he doesn’t feel you have enough in common to have a full-fledged relationship. Or, and gird your loins folks, it could be that he’s attracted enough to you to have sex with you but not enough to actually date you.
And best of all, heavier women almost always want to please their men and really enjoy a man’s company. I’m serious, heavy women are great, not to say that thin women cannot be fun, but in my experience thin women are full of trouble and usually very high maintenance.
Translation: Fat girls try harder! Derp.
The brutal reality is that some guys actually think like that. Heavy girls are more desperate and eager to please, etc.
OP, I’m going to place my bet on the fact that he’s not attracted to you enough to date you. Either that or he places high importance on working out and staying “fit” and he thinks you don’t. Either way, this guy sounds like a flaming asshole. Stop talking to him, stop texting him and move on. Most importantly, stop looking for this guy’s approval, because you’re never going to get it.
He’ll take the sex when you offer it, but outside of that I’m not sure he’s terribly interested in you. The way this started did not play into how it turned out.