Why He’ll Have Sex With You But Won’t Date You

Name: Lindywomen-upset-after-sex-780x520
Comment: I met a guy through my work a while back. At first, he was just another customer, but he became a regular and so most of our staff got to know him by name, what he liked, chatted about little details in ours/his life, etc. I wasn’t interested at first, he’s younger than me, a little out of my league (he’s very built to my curvy size 12), and we didn’t seem to have that much in common. He’s very into the workout scene, martial arts, ultimate fighting. I’m not a gym fan (though I do work out at home), and I don’t really like violent sports. (Though I suppose you could argue all contact sports are violent in their own way.) But we carried on some harmless flirtation, goofing off when he’d come in. Whatever.

We became friends on facebook. He had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, but he would occasionally send me messages “Hey, what’s up?” after hours. They weren’t ever flirty, we’d talk about our weekend plans, comment on some event in the city, and move on. Skip to about 6-8 months later, I’m single, he’s single. I had, on occasion, invited him out when we’d message about weekend plans, not really expecting him to show, which he didn’t. Now we’re both single and he sends me another message, I invite him out and we start some heavy flirty, sexy chit chat, what have you. He doesn’t come out, already at a friends house watching “the fight,” but the next night we meet up specifically to hook up. It was the best sex of my life (so far).

We hook up again a few nights later, I texted him, went to his place again. He has yet to come to mine and we’ve hooked up a few times over a couple months. Some with me prompting through drunk texting.

I know where I went wrong with him. I started the whole thing off with sex. I don’t mean that in the way with sleeping with someone on the first date can be a bad lead in. I mean, there has been no date. It’s only been sex. And I also know that there won’t be a relationship with this guy, even if I want the opportunity. I’m not a complete idiot. If he wanted to see me outside of HIS bedroom, he would. Simple as that.

I don’t hear from him often (though he constantly likes my photos and comments on facebook), but I ran into him recently and we had an impromptu lunch. We flirted heavily, me trying to hold back because I don’t want to jump into this again with him knowing the results. I told him about some changes with my work, how my schedule is opening up, seriously as just to say I’m excited about the changes, and he sees it as an opportunity to “sort of” ask me out. I say “sort of” because we didn’t make definite plans. He says he’ll text me and we’ll go see a movie Friday. I did get texts from him earlier in the week. But Friday has come and gone with no word.

I realize that his flirtation and mention of a date was his way of trying to keep the door open for more hook ups. And if that’s all I wanted, I’d be okay with that. So of course, since I want more, I’m disappointed. But that really isn’t my question.

I gave this guy the wrong impression. I started it out with sex, combined with a few drunk texts, he seems to think I drink a lot, an obvious turn off by his comments in conversation. But truth is, I really don’t. When he and I were hooking up, I was dealing with a rough situation with a friend, and was going out to distract myself. He just got caught in the drunk text blur.

I know I can’t salvage a potential something besides sex with this guy, even though I’d like to, but my question is: Is it worth my time to try and explain my actions to him, even when I know it won’t make a difference relationship-wise?
Age: 28
City: Memphis
State: TN


No, it’s not. He’s not interested in anything more than an occasional hook up.  He’s made little to effort with you beyond Liking a Facebook status. You’re done the majority of the pursuing. When he’s available, he participates. When he’s not, he doesn’t. It sounds like you kind of force situations and conversations and he just sort of goes with it to be polite or if he’s horny. Hence his half-assed plans for the movie on Friday.

You can belabor this for as long as you’d like.  It has nothing to do with how things started off or your drinking or any other combination of mishaps that has created this Perfect Storm in your head. He’ll have sex with you, but he’s not interested in dating you. That’s it. Side note: Anybody who makes snarky comments about whatever lifestyle choice you make, be it religion or drinking or whatever, is a douche. Tell him to take his pious bullshit elsewhere. He enjoys watching grown men punch each other in the face. That’s not exactly high brow entertainment. That’s a step above cock fighting.

There are plenty of reasons for why this turned out the way it did. It could be that he’s just not looking for anything too heavy or obligated right now. Or it could be that he doesn’t feel you have enough in common to have a full-fledged relationship. Or, and gird your loins folks, it could be that he’s attracted enough to you to have sex with you but not enough to actually date you.

I’m reminded of this gem of a comment from that atrocious Thought Catalog piece about “skinny minnie” speeddating:

And best of all, heavier women almost always want to please their men and really enjoy a man’s company. I’m serious, heavy women are great, not to say that thin women cannot be fun, but in my experience thin women are full of trouble and usually very high maintenance.

Translation: Fat girls try harder! Derp.

The brutal reality is that some guys actually think like that. Heavy girls are more desperate and eager to please, etc.

OP, I’m going to place my bet on the fact that he’s not attracted to you enough to date you. Either that or he places high importance on working out and staying “fit” and he thinks you don’t. Either way, this guy sounds like a flaming asshole. Stop talking to him, stop texting him and move on. Most importantly, stop looking for this guy’s approval, because you’re never going to get it.

He’ll take the sex when you offer it, but outside of that I’m not sure he’s terribly interested in you. The way this started did not play into how it turned out.


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38 Responses to “Why He’ll Have Sex With You But Won’t Date You”

  1. LaMotta Says:

    I agree with the assessment, though I don’t see what about this situation makes the guy an “asshole” at all. Perhaps you could say that if the OP was sending clear relationship signals early on, and the guy was keeping her booty-call-zoned, he is engaging in some sort of manipulation, but that doesn’t appear to be the case.

    • BostonRobin Says:

      Hmm, actually it sounds like OP put the guy in the “booty-call zone” in the beginning. If she wants more than that after the fact, he’s within his rights to say “that’s not what I signed up for.” PS: I agree that he sounds like a bit of an asshole, so take your memories of the hot sex with his hot body and find yourself someone who will be good to you!

      • Chester Says:

        I am confused as to why women are concluding this guy is an asshole.
        OP is clearly pursuing a guy above her league in age, body condition, looks, etc.; and pursuing him just for sex. Is he an asshole because he doesn’t want a relationship? But it seems to be ok if a woman has an fbuddy? Can someone enlighten me as to why he is being called an asshole?

        This seems to be a clear pattern many women pursue on this site and in life in general. Pursue a guy above your league, try to entice him into a relationship with sex. Then conclude man are assholes because they don’t want the relationship. Or conclude that guys only want one thing – sex. Or conclude that they should make a guy wait for sex.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          **Side note: Anybody who makes snarky comments about whatever lifestyle choice you make, be it religion or drinking or whatever, is a douche. Tell him to take his pious bullshit elsewhere.**

          Although it’s not clear just how drunk she was or just how crazed the text messages were. If it’s not just that she was drunk but that she acted crazy on him while drunk, maybe he’s justified in being kind of judge-y or annoyed. Yeah, I guess the balance does tip more heavily on the “she’s delusional” side than the “he’s an asshole” side.

          I think we can all agree he’s bad news for the OP.

        • BostonRobin Says:

          Perhaps it’s not clear, but I happen to think he’s an asshole for other reasons than the booty call arrangement, which OP helped create from the beginning. When people (either gender) get into those situations and then one of them decides to change the terms, the other person is not obligated to participate in the new arrangement.

          • Howard Says:

            It doesn’t matter if he is an asshole. Attribution of blame often has little to do with solving the problem at hand. She did what she did because it was exciting. However, the position she now finds herself in a little uncomfortable with the long term vision she has for herself. That is the problem at hand. In this situation, I think there is enough blame to on both sides to not worry about who is the good or bad person.

        • Chester Says:

          I think one should assume an absence of malice unless there are clear indications of the opposite. In this case, no one can point out why he is an asshole. Realize that we, first of all, we only hear the OPs side of the story, who probably holds a tad resentment for not getting what she wants from the guy.
          I don’t think anyone likes a person of the opposite sex to show up in a drunken stupor. And to say he is being douche because he disapproves this behavior. That is just rude behavior by anyone’s standard. I think if the OP described a guy who was always showing up drunk just for sex, the people here would not have very nice things to say about the guy.

          Howard, there isn’t anyone to blame. There is nothing to blame anything for. We have woman who wants her fbuddy to become her boyfriend and he doesn’t want that. Plain and simple. There is no way to solve this “problem” because it is not a problem to be solved. There are women in my life and yours that you may have wanted a relationship to happen and the woman doesn’t want that. We look for someone else. Looking for a way to change that woman’s mind if futile.

          • Chester Says:

            And no we don’t all agree HE is bad news for the OP.

            The OP trying to push a relationship on the guy is bad news for her and him.

            (Again, why are you making the guy the bad news?)

            sorry for the double entry

            • fuzzilla Says:

              “Bad news” just means he’s not giving her what she wants and he awakens her worst impulses. Maybe that’s all on her and she’s delusional and he’s a right gentleman and scholar. He may not be a bad guy, but he is a bad idea for her.

              • fuzzilla Says:

                Just like there’s nothing inherently wrong with alcohol, but it is obviously bad news for some folks.

              • Chester Says:

                “He awakens her worse impulses”

                You can say it’s semantics, but why are you blaming the guy? You don’t even realize you just did it again! You can’t even allow her to take responsibility for her sex drive – You blame him!

                He is a bad idea for her: No! Why can’t you say her obsession of him is a bad idea?

                The OP admits several times about her drunkenness. Why can’t you say her drunkeness is bad news? And if she is admitting she is drunk, then she is very drunk! But you blame him for not embacing it?

                • fuzzilla Says:

                  >But you blame him for not embacing it?He is a bad idea for her: No! Why can’t you say her obsession of him is a bad idea?<

                  Tomayto, tomahto. You're the one getting all het up over semantics.

                • fuzzilla Says:

                  WTF are you talking about, “I blame him for not embracing it”? Clearly, drinks + this guy = a bad situation for her. I’ve bent over backwards to say this doesn’t make him a bad guy. I’m not “blaming” him for shit, I just think she should avoid him for her own mental health.

                  Is the point you’re trying to make that she’ll just have this problem with another guy? Well, hopefully not to the same extent if she actually does some reflection and absorbs good advice. Things are already FUBAR with this one.

                • fuzzilla Says:

                  If she was mature enough to own her behavior, she should be able to say, “You’re right, I fucked up with the drunk texts and reading too much into things. Truce?” (Is that what she’s asking advice on?). I don’t think she’s mature enough to do that & she kinda sounds like a mess, so I’m advising her to just avoid her drama triggers to stay emotionally safe for now. Also, if he doesn’t want to date her, he’s not gonna make time for her to talk about her feelings, so it’s kind of a fool’s errand to plan some big talk about it.

                  • Chester Says:

                    I didn’t realize it was Moxie who called guy a douche because he doesn’t embrace drunken women coming over his place. I didn’t realize you were just quoting her (using ** instead of ” “). I just reread and realize you were agreeing with me in the beginning. Sorry for the confusion.

                    I’ll say this again, I think Moxie has amazing insight into what is going on 90% of the time, way beyond what I could assess. But this is the 10% where she is off base and judging the guy very harshly for no reason. I agree with LostSailor’s summary at the end where he draws similar conclusions. — in fact I think all of us are coming to the consensus here. except for Moxie.

              • Lisa G Says:

                sounds like the two of them are pressing each others vulnerable buttons –
                remember the Jodie Arias situation? That actually star ted out very sexual early on, she tried to pursue a real relationship (that did not work) and ended v sexual again with one wanting more and an awful ending( whole other subject)
                This gal has nothing to lose but to discuss what’s bothering her with this cad and guess what, if she does not hear what she wants to hear……..move on ~ next !!!!!
                There are many guys out there that do want a real relationship and do want to take you out on dates and show you off !!!

                • mindstar Says:

                  True except the OP has her heart set on this particular guy who clearly wants less than she does. You can’t force a person into a relationship. She should just move on. She’s deluded because in her own words its was the best sex she ever had and she doesn’t want to give that up.

      • Matt Says:

        “Hmm, actually it sounds like OP put the guy in the “booty-call zone” in the beginning. If she wants more than that after the fact, he’s within his rights to say “that’s not what I signed up for.”

        Yeah, I’ve had the bait & switch pulled on me. The problem is, sometimes you feel like you’re obligated to go along with it because you had sex, so you stay with someone you don’t really care for out of a misguided feeling of “owing” them.

  2. PhillyGal Says:

    I’ve been here…last year actually. Super hot guy, it immediately became a sex thing although I wanted more. Quickly realized that wasn’t an option, so I stayed in it while it was fun. Once it wasn’t fun anymore, I gout out. So enjoy if you can handle a purely physical connection.

  3. fuzzilla Says:

    Sweetie, no. You say you don’t like violent sports as if it’s an apology for a character flaw, and you worry about “giving him the wrong impression”? He’s not interested and desperately pleading your case to him and waiting around for him to toss you some crumbs is chipping away at your self-esteem. FWB situations can work if they’re fun and your expectations are grounded. Often juggling more than one helps. That doesn’t seem to be the case, here. Listen to yourself. Move on, love.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      FWB situations work when you accept that they’re not a complete meal that will meet all your nutritional needs, they’re more like a little flask of whiskey or box of bon bons tucked away in your bag. You accept that you’re alone, but once in a while there’s a nice surprise, a little something extra that makes life a little nicer. The OP is starving, trying to make a meal out of some occasionally offered whiskey shots (to indulge my metaphor).

      • LostSailor Says:

        Wow, fuzzilla, this may be a first. I agree with you completely.

        Well, except for The OP is starving, trying to make a meal out of some occasionally offered whiskey shots (to indulge my metaphor).

        I don’t think the OP is starving. She tasted something above the well-drinks and want more.

        FWB relationships can work quite well all around, but only if the expectations and boundaries are very clear…

        • fuzzilla Says:

          >I don’t think the OP is starving. She tasted something above the well-drinks and want more.<

          But she's not getting it on the regs, and a "complete meal" (i.e., full boyfriend treatment/fulfilling relationship) would include some wholesome ingredients, too.

          • LostSailor Says:

            Not getting it on the regs? That’s speculation. Especially since she wrote that when the two met she had a BF.

            Rather, she tasted the dry-aged T-bone and wants more of it, but is unlikely to get it. And getting the T-bone all the time isn’t a balanced diet.

            • fuzzilla Says:

              Not getting it “reg” enough for her liking, and I’m sure he’s a tasty treat, but a “complete meal” would include tasty treats along with, like, vitamins and vegetables and complex carbohydrates and actually nourish you (to drive the metaphor into the ground).

  4. fuzzilla Says:

    >I know I can’t salvage a potential something besides sex with this guy, even though I’d like to, but my question is: Is it worth my time to try and explain my actions to him, even when I know it won’t make a difference relationship-wise?<

    (Sorry, being a bit of a comment hog, but): OP, if you don't think you can salvage a relationship with him, what do you think the point of "explaining your actions to him" is? Sounds like you've let his spotty attention and weird comments about your drinking get to you, and you long for his approval – i.e., as I said, you're letting this shitbag chip away at your self-esteem. No good can come from any contact with him, although I guess it's best to remain cordial if you see him at work a lot.

    • Chester Says:

      Good Point Fuzzilla….
      I think the reason she wants to explain her drinking issue to the guy is….
      Deep down inside, she sees this as an opportunity to engage with this guy for a possible relationship (even though she says its over, she wants someone here to support her desperate illogical rationale. ) She sees this as a way to elevate his opinion of her. …hoping against hope that he will say “OP, I did misjudge you with that drinking, do you want to be my girlfriend?”
      She is only kidding herself – not going to happen!

  5. coffeestop Says:

    Why bother explaining your actions to him? I don’t get that. If anything he might know you wanted something more and get an extra ego boost. I think the reason he thinks you drink more than you claim you do is because you texted him when you were drunk. I might draw the same conclusion form his end. Just walk it off as they say and chalk it up to a casual relationship.

    I do wonder because I live in the same city as the LW if she is feeling also a bit guilty about having a strictly sexual relationship and just wanted to hope for something more because things are more sexually conservative here.In other words people here are also less likley to admit they do want things casual. It is the Bible Belt and modern times aside there are alot of underlying assumptions flying between the boyz and the girlz because of that. Or maybe it was just the inevitable lesson that some people do not handle sex only encounters very well and want to talk about it some more so it becomes something else.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Good point. We’ve seen LWs chasing unavailable people and justifying fantasies all the time, but there seems to be an extra layer of guilt and self-flagellation here. I was thinking “hell, maybe she really does have a drinking problem; she sure is defensive and self-hating about something…”

      • coffeestop Says:

        And I will say in general I am just speculating. But this is what happens usually when the 99% get a chance to sleep witht he 1%. Most of us fall in the “average to having an awesome day” in the looks department. Of course when we sleep with and connect with the truly hot we all secretly hope we have some quality that provokes them to see beyond the superficial and discover our awesomeness. Mostly it does not happen but if you take no risks then you have wistful regret rather than regret about having slept with a hot person who did not return affection. Once the LW shakes this one off there won’t be any lasting damage.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Heh, getting burned by someone super-hot is a bit of a rite of passage, it’s true. You know not to touch that “hot” (hardy har) stove twice.

          • Julie Says:

            Not sure if thats totally true. Havent we all seen a couple and thought, “Well, I know why he is with her, but why is she with him?!” Or vice versa. Didnt Matt Damon marry a rather ordinary 30 year old bar tender and single mother?

            Then there are the flip sides of that….havent you had a case where you found yourself thinking about a new date, “I dont get what my problem is. This guy/girl is perfect – almost out of my league – and he/she is really into me. Why am I not feeling it?!” A few months ago, I dated a very cute veterinarian who was a 2nd degree black belt, smart, sweet, loyal, all the good stuff AND he was really into me. Kissing him was like kissing my brother. No idea why.

            Of course I had a super hot, very accomplished, older rich guy try to use me as a FB not too long after I stopped seeing the vet, but I also had a guy I thought was benieth me try to FB me at about the same time. It was like what?! But you are short, pudgy and dumb! WTH?!! Seems like the “class system” is somewhat fluid.

            I feel like I’m missing something here.

  6. Howard Says:

    The trick of life is to get some part of what you want. That is what you have to figure out and be realistic about. Maybe you want the man that gives you the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids, but you also want the excitement. The unfortunate reality, is that it is often hard to put that together in the same person.

    Some women have lived their entire lives and never been able to put that together in one man. Some have found it for a little while, but it didn’t last as the excitement slowly vaporized. And I guess some lucky women have been able to put this together in their lifetime.

    I have no idea what the percentages are for each of those three categories. I often wonder. It’s often hard to separate the two later categories. Maybe most women wind up with a hybrid of the last two categories, a situation where the excitement waxes and wanes. I rather suspect that success is dependent on the way a woman positions her head and defines excitement. I also suspect that her actions play a great role is bringing it out in a man and keeping him in that role.

    While all of the above may seem far down the road for you, it is very pertinent to your situation. it is the “excitement” that has you where you are. We really do love it as human beings. It’s why people climb mountains, skydive, do drugs and casual sex.

    I am not going to be so impertinent to tell you exactly what to do. I will merely settle for pointing out the reality of things. We all make our own decisions.

    I have met elderly women who have regretted never even once throwing caution to the wind because they settled on the security of the dependable guy even though he lacked excitement. I have met elderly women who are happy that they picked the right guy and created something so wonderful that craven excitement was a poor comparison. I have also met women who tried to get both and failed, and regretted not embracing and enjoying one or the other, when it came along, at some point in their life. You decide.

  7. LostSailor Says:

    There are key reasons she’s obsessing a bit on this guy:

    It was the best sex of my life (so far)….we’ve hooked up a few times over a couple months. Some with me prompting through drunk texting.

    She was rocked by a guy who is younger and “slightly out of her league” and wants to lock it down to a more regular thing.

    I agree with Moxie that this guy is putting in the minimal effort to keep occasional sex going, but is not interested in much more. But the OP clearly realizes that and is trying to justify an attempt to make it something more. And I agree, it’s not going to work.

    But I disagree with a couple of Moxie’s comments:

    Anybody who makes snarky comments about whatever lifestyle choice you make, be it religion or drinking or whatever, is a douche. Tell him to take his pious bullshit elsewhere.

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and surmise that she met him working in a bar. That, combined with the “drunk text” hookups makes it not unreasonable to conclude that he thinks she drinks more than he does. It’s not necessarily sanctimonious bullshit to not want a relationship with someone who enjoys drinking more than you do, especially if one is into fitness, martial arts, etc.

    He enjoys watching grown men punch each other in the face. That’s not exactly high brow entertainment. That’s a step above cock fighting.

    Well, the chickens don’t have a choice. Boxing and mixed martial arts actually requires a lot of dedication and sacrifice. It’s certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, and while it’s not “high brow,” it’s not just “men punching each other in the face.” That’s what happens outside the bar at 2 am. I know a couple of guys who train in MMA, and they are actually very smart, good guys who spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their craft.

    But, yeah, there’s not a relationship in the cards for the OP. Her choices are to either cut it off, or enjoy the sex for what it is.

    But even if he only likes her enough to hang out for sex, he’s not necessarily being disrespectful. And he’s definitely not a flaming asshole for taking the OP up on what she was offering.

  8. Ken Besig Says:

    Thanks for quoting me, I love the attention, even if you find my remarks offensive. I am not sure why you feel it is “bad” for men to prefer women who treat them with generosity and concern, that is women with a little weight, as opposed to anorexic and self involved “hot” women who sneer at you, expect the man to constantly compliment them, and spend most of their time checking to see how wonderful they are. And sex is far more enjoyable with a woman who appreciates you than some supposedly “gorgeous” woman who treats you like a tool. I also find your disdain for masculine sports to be highly judgmental and really silly. I know plenty of women who like to look at well built, muscular, and tough men, just as men enjoy looking at attractive, and well built women. Anyway, I appreciate the quote, I now almost feel famous and it’s because of you!

    • Matt Says:

      “And sex is far more enjoyable with a woman who appreciates you.”

      Not necessarily. At least, I’m gonna need more than just appreciation.

  9. ATWYSingle Says:

    Does the email work?

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