If He Blows You Off For Sleeping With Him, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway

Name: Lindseydramaqueen3
Comment: Hi, So I met this guy a couple weeks ago through online dating. We emailed a little bit and we hit it off pretty well, so we exchanged numbers and started texting. We talked constantly about anything and everything. We both have the same schedule working graveyard shifts, and so we would talk to keep each other awake during the long hours. We also are both enrolled into school. Before we first hung out, this guy was great at texting back, even to the point where if I didn’t respond within a half hour or so he would send me another text. While he was at work he would send me emails that said how great he thought I was and how excited he was to meet me, and that he was starting to develop feelings and an emotional connection with me. I told him that I wanted to take things slow, and see what happened, and we set up a first date. The date went great, and we made a quick stop at my house for a blanket and some snacks to take out and lay in the park. While we were at my house, things got a little heated. After a while (about an hour) I could no longer hold back and we ended up sleeping together. After the date was over, he left with just a hug (no kiss goodbye). This was a week ago, and we still text a little everyday, but its not even close to what it used to be. Usually its at least an hour between his messages, sometimes more. Did I mess things up by going back on what I said about taking things slow? Or was he just interested in sex in the first place?
Age: 23
City: Southern Utah
State: UT

Okay. First, stop freaking out. You have no control over what happens from this point onwards.

Next, I don’t know what is being said in these post-coital text exchanges. If you’re apologizing profusely and doing the whole, “I’m really not like that!’ thing, then that’s probably part of the reason he has pulled back. Don’t do that. Own it or don’t do it. Very simple.

It could just be that he’s busy or has other things going on. That’s doubtful, but still possible. What I’m thinking happened is that this guy just felt things moved too fast and got freaked. All the chatting and texting and talking before you even met probably built up a false level of confidence and intimacy between you two. After you and he had sex, he either re-thought the situation over and decided you and he weren’t compatible or he felt pressured to take things to another level and so he’s now trying to regain some control and slow things down. This is why you shouldn’t invest much time chatting before you actually meet. This is what happens. Things feel too easy and comfortable, you act on the attraction and then things unravel.

Here’s another example of why women need to banish the phrase, “I want to take things slow” from their vocabulary. Women who want to take things slow do just that. They don’t justify it. They don’t announce it. They just do it. It’s that kind of confidence that allows a woman to hold off having sex without being perceived as a cock tease or as though she’s playing games. Men are happy to wait (or at least stick around) for a woman who knows, respects and adheres to her own boundaries without all the pomp and circumstance. The females who do verbalize such a disclaimer are usually doing so to test the man. And he knows it. You might as well tell the guy you’re going to bang him fairly quickly, because that’s how most men interpret admissions about not wanting to move to fast.Lindsey, if you revealed your wish to “take things slow” to this guy during one of your marathon texting sessions, or if you in any way talked about being fearful of things moving too fast, there’s a solid chance this guy stuck around because he knew he was going to get laid fairly effortlessly and quickly. We make ourselves very vulnerable to the wrong people when we open up to strangers in this way. That’s what this guy was before you met him. A stranger. People often forget that, especially after doing so much pre-first date bonding.

I will also say that the following up one text before the recipient gets a chance to answer the previous one is a red flag. If someone does that to me, I immediately cut out of the conversation/situation. Picky? Unfair? I’m okay with that. Flame away. That kind of behavior hints at either a) an eagerness/anxiousness that I am not prepared to return or deal with or b) a sense of entitlement for which I have zero tolerance. Prolonged delays in response time are rarely a sign of good things to come. If it takes someone you’ve just met online or had one or dated once or twice a number of hours (say more than 3 or 4) to reply to a text, and they’re not traveling or stuck in back to back meetings/classes/engagements, lower your expectations. You heard it here first.

That this guy would be that responsive and attentive before and do a one hundred and eighty degree turn after is a very bad sign. He leaped before he looked. After he got what he thought he wanted, he changed his mind. No bueno.

What you and every other women who has been in your shoes needs to tattoo on your arm is that if he decided to use the sex against you in anyway, you didn’t want to date him anyway. This guy was going to fade eventually.

It’s done. No more analyzing it or trying to figure out what happened or where things went wrong. This was always going to be the outcome. The sex had nothing to do with it. Don’t beat yourself up.

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13 Responses to “If He Blows You Off For Sleeping With Him, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway”

  1. John Says:

    This guy could have been involved with someone else and looking for some side action. This was an easy layup for him if that’s true.

    They only emailed and texted while he was at work. She didn’t go to his place. Doing it this way virtually guaranteed he wouldn’t get caught. He also told her how great she was and apparently, she ate it up. He perceived that as desperation which translates into an easy lay.

    I think the guy was already taken and found a very easy target in the OP. This ending was already predetermined prior to them even meeting.

    It sucks for the OP because other than her being naïve, she didn’t do anything terribly wrong. I think he sensed a desperate woman and took advantage of the situation.

    • hammersandnails Says:

      I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I really find it hard to think your high level of certainty here is really without basis.

      It’s much more likely that he wasn’t impressed by her once he met her, or was disappointed in bed. Why jump to much more complicated answers? Does it make you feel better to think there is a reason and it’s not you?

  2. AnnieNonymous Says:

    It sounds like they’re both fairly young and are figuring out the rhythm of dating without having the benefit of going through the motions with more experienced people. The guy said he was developing feelings after texting and talking on the phone. That sort of phrasing doesn’t strike me as user-bait. He really might have thought that he was feeling those relationship vibes. So that was where he screwed up. He led Lindsey on by saying that. She screwed up by sleeping with him an hour after they met in person. These are rookie mistakes, and that’s okay. They’re only 23. The guy might have realized that the progression of this relationship was messed up so he decided to forfeit the whole thing and start over with someone new. It’s not uncommon for inexperienced people to pull that move.

    The problem with these girls who have sex early on despite claiming they’re “not that type of girl” is that they don’t know what else they’re supposed to do to fill in the time on a date. They don’t understand what the substance of a fledgling relationship is. I’ve had as many non-starter relationships as anyone else, and the reasons the guys bailed range from valid to bullshit, but I’ve never had a guy ditch me for failing to put out. It would have been so easy for Lindsey to stop at her house to pick up the blanket and just not have sex with the guy. That’s not a situation that was beyond her control. It’s a pattern that she either doesn’t recognize or is scared to break. My advice is to stop planning open-ended dates if you know that you can’t carry on a conversation for very long. If you can’t hold a guy’s interest in other ways, that’s when he’ll start to itch for sex. Go out for drinks on a weeknight and say you have work in the morning, even if you don’t. That way you’re not stuck feeling awkward after you’ve run out of things to say and feeling like you should have sex to erase the awkwardness.

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      Her problem was gassing herself up before meeting the guy. The truth is she wanted sex and she got it. He went in strong and got cold it happens.

  3. Monique Says:


    While this advice is harsh, it’s also spot on! I agree with both responses above. I know this is a common question for women, because our hormones take over after sex, and it becomes really hard to understand that a guy doesn’t always feel the same way. To that end, I’ve just launched a Facebook page around this very conversation, which I would love for all of you to join!


    What I’ve learned so far, is that a lot of people have a lot of opinions about this topic– especially men. Personally, I tend to agree with those opinions expressed here. But why not hear what others have to say?


    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      The OP will read other opinions here on this very comment section. There’s nobody on your page. One guy and you.

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Take a knee, bro. If I didn’t want her comment here, I wouldn’t have approved it. Trust me. I got this.

        • Greg Figueroa Says:

          I was just remarking on what’s the point of going to that FB page (I was expecting different opinions) and there’s nothing there. I understand promotion, ahh, whatever, I prefer sitting on a bench then taking a knee.

      • Monique Says:

        Hey Greg,

        I launched the facebook page the very same day I posted this comment. Everybody’s gotta start their conversation somewhere, and you can’t very well have a lot of people talking until you’ve had a chance to tell some people about the page. We’re gonna keep on building, from the ground up, like anybody who is just starting out. If you want more people to talk, and give their opinions, then start by giving your own.

        I am passionate about this topic, and I loved this article (as well as the responses above mine). That’s why I reposted the article on my page, and ultimately sent a bunch of traffic back to this interesting and entertaining article.

        I also think there’s a lot more to this topic than just the one story that is discussed in this article. And we’re gonna get into all of it.



  4. LaidNYC Says:

    Fact is a man can change his mind about a woman after sex, even if he doesn’t want to.

    Before sex, a man thinks with his penis. He thinks of the positive parts of the woman he wants to fuck.

    He is conquest driven. He doesn’t consciously acknowledge or think of her flaws.

    After sex, the girl who was so desirable and interesting before the sweet ejaculatory release, a man uses his brain for the first time to evaluate the girl, and sometimes he doesn’t like what he sees. He might have surely enjoyed sex with her, but maybe he thinks her face isn’t pretty enough to be his girlfriend. Maybe he ignored something annoying about her personality because he wanted to bang her, but he is forced to confront it without his penis in the way.

    The longer a woman holds out for sex, the more she forces the man to evaluate using his brain rather than his penis. The dick has a short attention span.

    This is tough for women to understand, since sex is more likely to make them be more attracted to the man.

    But it is very important for women to grasp. If women understood this, it would lead to a lot less “why didn’t he text me??”

    Good topic, I have a post on this scheduled in the future.

  5. LaidNYC Says:

    Also wanted to add, the title of the article is “If he blows you off for sleeping with you didn’t want him anyway”.

    It’s a feel-good positive spin, but I think the girl in question obviously still wants him.

    A more proper title is “If he blows you off for sleeping with him, he would have blown you off for not sleeping with him”. Like I said, the dick has a short attention span.

  6. Bob Says:

    First things first! Get to know the history of who you meet before even considering sex. Mental and financial history can take time, male or female. Several types of dates can reveal who this person really is. Most people show the side they want you to see initially! Post sex can reveal a person you didn’t think was there. If you are weak (women) and give it up on the first date, you were just horny so don’t expect the guy to respect you. Guys who get it right away, hey, you are in the same boat and you better get ready to hear how she gave it up to you for love! Da! Have sex when you really know who the recipient is! It’s not how good the sex is, but how good the person treats you before and after sex. Time is the ultimate test. If your date is in a hurry, let them go in a hurry!

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