Comment: Hi, So I met this guy a couple weeks ago through online dating. We emailed a little bit and we hit it off pretty well, so we exchanged numbers and started texting. We talked constantly about anything and everything. We both have the same schedule working graveyard shifts, and so we would talk to keep each other awake during the long hours. We also are both enrolled into school. Before we first hung out, this guy was great at texting back, even to the point where if I didn’t respond within a half hour or so he would send me another text. While he was at work he would send me emails that said how great he thought I was and how excited he was to meet me, and that he was starting to develop feelings and an emotional connection with me. I told him that I wanted to take things slow, and see what happened, and we set up a first date. The date went great, and we made a quick stop at my house for a blanket and some snacks to take out and lay in the park. While we were at my house, things got a little heated. After a while (about an hour) I could no longer hold back and we ended up sleeping together. After the date was over, he left with just a hug (no kiss goodbye). This was a week ago, and we still text a little everyday, but its not even close to what it used to be. Usually its at least an hour between his messages, sometimes more. Did I mess things up by going back on what I said about taking things slow? Or was he just interested in sex in the first place?
City: Southern Utah
Okay. First, stop freaking out. You have no control over what happens from this point onwards.
Next, I don’t know what is being said in these post-coital text exchanges. If you’re apologizing profusely and doing the whole, “I’m really not like that!’ thing, then that’s probably part of the reason he has pulled back. Don’t do that. Own it or don’t do it. Very simple.
It could just be that he’s busy or has other things going on. That’s doubtful, but still possible. What I’m thinking happened is that this guy just felt things moved too fast and got freaked. All the chatting and texting and talking before you even met probably built up a false level of confidence and intimacy between you two. After you and he had sex, he either re-thought the situation over and decided you and he weren’t compatible or he felt pressured to take things to another level and so he’s now trying to regain some control and slow things down. This is why you shouldn’t invest much time chatting before you actually meet. This is what happens. Things feel too easy and comfortable, you act on the attraction and then things unravel.
Here’s another example of why women need to banish the phrase, “I want to take things slow” from their vocabulary. Women who want to take things slow do just that. They don’t justify it. They don’t announce it. They just do it. It’s that kind of confidence that allows a woman to hold off having sex without being perceived as a cock tease or as though she’s playing games. Men are happy to wait (or at least stick around) for a woman who knows, respects and adheres to her own boundaries without all the pomp and circumstance. The females who do verbalize such a disclaimer are usually doing so to test the man. And he knows it. You might as well tell the guy you’re going to bang him fairly quickly, because that’s how most men interpret admissions about not wanting to move to fast.Lindsey, if you revealed your wish to “take things slow” to this guy during one of your marathon texting sessions, or if you in any way talked about being fearful of things moving too fast, there’s a solid chance this guy stuck around because he knew he was going to get laid fairly effortlessly and quickly. We make ourselves very vulnerable to the wrong people when we open up to strangers in this way. That’s what this guy was before you met him. A stranger. People often forget that, especially after doing so much pre-first date bonding.
I will also say that the following up one text before the recipient gets a chance to answer the previous one is a red flag. If someone does that to me, I immediately cut out of the conversation/situation. Picky? Unfair? I’m okay with that. Flame away. That kind of behavior hints at either a) an eagerness/anxiousness that I am not prepared to return or deal with or b) a sense of entitlement for which I have zero tolerance. Prolonged delays in response time are rarely a sign of good things to come. If it takes someone you’ve just met online or had one or dated once or twice a number of hours (say more than 3 or 4) to reply to a text, and they’re not traveling or stuck in back to back meetings/classes/engagements, lower your expectations. You heard it here first.
That this guy would be that responsive and attentive before and do a one hundred and eighty degree turn after is a very bad sign. He leaped before he looked. After he got what he thought he wanted, he changed his mind. No bueno.
What you and every other women who has been in your shoes needs to tattoo on your arm is that if he decided to use the sex against you in anyway, you didn’t want to date him anyway. This guy was going to fade eventually.
It’s done. No more analyzing it or trying to figure out what happened or where things went wrong. This was always going to be the outcome. The sex had nothing to do with it. Don’t beat yourself up.