40, Fiveheaded, Single & Fat – And That’s Why Some Men Think We’re Single

June 26th, 2013

XO JANE

My latest for XOJane….PICDRESS7

As I read their thoughts, what I wondered was what they hoped to gain from getting me to see this site. Was I supposed to feel shame or embarrassment? What was I supposed to do, read their words and immediately alter everything in my life based on their perceptions?

 

Some of what they said was true. I made some crappy choices in my twenties and thirties aka “my prime.” Could I stand to lose some weight? I suppose so, though I happen to like my body now, far more than when I was in my thirties. Nothing I can do about my forehead.

As for my ride on the cock carousel, let’s just say that I’m not hopping off that particular merry-go-round any time soon.  Read the rest here

 

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15 Responses to “40, Fiveheaded, Single & Fat – And That’s Why Some Men Think We’re Single”

  1. Lalalatte Says:

    “They want us to be filled with dread and regret in the hopes that we’ll just throw our hands up and cry uncle and eventually settle down with one of them. ”

    I think this is a very astute observation. Behavior like this, being mean in order to elicit a response, reminds me of the elementary school playground when boys and girls would be mean because they “liked” you and didn’t know a better way to get your attention.

    I also wonder if those MRA/Manosphere guys are struggling with some feelings of emasculation when they encounter capable women who live their lives in a way that isn’t defined by the more stereotypical gender roles that state women need men to take care of them and men are the providers. I don’t think men are intimidated by single women in their 40s. I think they don’t understand them and can’t imagine walking in those women’s (expensive) shoes when the most prominent female role model in their lives was most likely a stay at home mom. I don’t know much about men but I do know they need and want to be needed and desired by their partner. Reconciling how a women can take care of herself and still need a man in her life must be a hard mind shift for those guys.

    On a side note to Moxie. I didn’t date much in my 20s either. Between hating my body and trying to establish a career I just ignored my personal life. After turning 31 I started to feel lonely and examined my life and what I needed to do to get comfortable with myself, my body, and truly learn how to date and be in a relationship. I dropped 50 pounds, ended friendships and relationships that didn’t add positivity to my life, and began to examine who I was and who I really wanted to be. I own the bad choice I made in my 20s of putting my head down instead of marching head on. Your story speaks to me on a similarly personal level. And being on the doorstep of 40 I’m less afraid of being on my own because I see more and more women leading good lives on terms they define for themselves as successful.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Behavior like this, being mean in order to elicit a response, reminds me of the elementary school playground when boys and girls would be mean because they “liked” you and didn’t know a better way to get your attention.

      The problem with this, and Moxie’s mischaracterization of manosphere blogs (and please don’t conflate manosphere with MRAs, they’re a portion of the manosphere, but only a small portion) is that it shows a large degree of solipsism. The point of the manosphere is not to fill women with dread and regret because it’s not aimed at women at all. The manosphere is men writing to and for men, not women. Men’s relationship to women may be the subject, but sorry ladies, it’s not actually about you.

      I understand why some women dismiss it all as bullshit spun by “emasculated” men who don’t “understand” emancipated women and the attitude that leads to comments like this: it’s a little threatening, at least on the surface. But like most things, the manosphere exists on a spectrum. Sure, some of it is angry guys being assholes on the Internet, but at the other end of that spectrum is a goal of providing the tools and means for men to become better men. And yes, one has to sift the bullshit from the usable knowledge, but though women probably don’t like the insights into women’s behavior the manosphere that doesn’t mean there’s not truth there.

      I don’t know much about men

      Clearly. Guys being assholes on the Internet aren’t necessarily part of the manosphere; sometimes there are just assholes on the Internet. The manosphere isn’t trying to “elicit a response” from women, it’s trying to elicit a response from men. It’s not all about you…

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      • LaMotta Says:

        … like most things, the manosphere exists on a spectrum. Sure, some of it is angry guys being assholes on the Internet, but at the other end of that spectrum is a goal of providing the tools and means for men to become better men. And yes, one has to sift the bullshit from the usable knowledge, but though women probably don’t like the insights into women’s behavior the manosphere that doesn’t mean there’s not truth there.

        Agreed. I’ve gotten a lot of usefulness out of the “manosphere.” Even from the “pickup gurus” (if you listen attentively, they are telling you how to be appealing to women generally, in the sense that most of women want but would never tell you or admit to. “Bedding” lots of them is only one way to use this “power,” which many of us otherwise totally lack, thanks to our generally passive, overly-feminized cultural upbringing).

        Mox should be aware that some of her regular, most legit male commentators here also do the “manosphere” circuit. I don’t see how that’s any less legit than dating and relationship sites that cater mostly to women. Of course, there can be a degenerate, locker-room, “lord of the flies” aspect to both. That doesn’t negate the good. So don’t paint us all with the same brush ;)

        Guys being assholes on the Internet aren’t necessarily part of the manosphere; sometimes there are just assholes on the Internet.

        Yeah, and I hate to break it to everyone, but ladies are also assholes on the internet — moreso on dating sites. The quantity of female profiles I’ve read through that are nauseatingly arrogant (at least, they would be considered so for males) is nauseating. But I’ve long since accepted that there’s just a double standard.

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        • LaMotta Says:

          heh, that first “nauseatingly” was supposed to be changed to “shockingly”. But I guess they’re definitely nauseating if they’re nauseatingly arrogant.

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        • sway Says:

          Agreed. Regular manosphere reader here, also a regular ATWYS reader.

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        • Brandon Says:

          Hello

          Agree with LaMotta. Read MRA sights and the main thing that i get from them is
          the main goal is to go”‘WAR” with feminism. And i cannot disagree with that goal.
          Nothing wrong wth an independent woman and equal pay for equal work but the way the men are treated in the divorce courts and in the large volume of false sex harrasement allegations
          in the Unted States i can see the reason why these sights are formed. Calling their viewpoints
          “bullshit” is simple ignorance.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

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  2. mindstar Says:

    Nice article. WRT to the “fivehead” (never heard that expression before) you could also say its to hold all the extra brains. That’s what my sibs and nieces/nephews have said over the years as a high forehead is common among those of Irish ancestry.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • Robyn Says:

      That’s a good way of owning what my dermatologist calls my “impressive” forehead. I’ll have to remember to use that in future.

      And yes, I’m also part Irish!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  3. John Says:

    Moxie,
    I am not sure if you are contradicting yourself or if you didn’t realize that your comments are proving the points of manosphere blogs. Here is why I ask.

    You refer to manosphere blogs with this comment:
    “I think that is the primary goal of these MRA/Manosphere blogs. They want us to be filled with dread and regret in the hopes that we’ll just throw our hands up and cry uncle and eventually settle down with one of them.”

    But prior to that you mention this:
    “Through my work, I’ve come to the conclusion that fear of being alone is a powerful motivator for a woman. We’re conditioned to be afraid of this potential outcome.”

    So haven’t they succeeded?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 9

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    • D'Alias Says:

      Umm, no. This societal fear/pressure started way before there was an Internet. I don’t see a contradiction in the above.

      I read it as Moxie believes some of these MRA guys are doing their best to perpetuate the fear/old ideal.

      Whatevs. I think it’s immature lashing out and these MRA types would be better served by focusing on their own actions instead of women’s actions.

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      • John Says:

        That’s a fair point D’Alias that those societal fears were present even prior to the internet. Moxie’s comments didn’t state that though. Sounded like she was accusing manosphere blogs for introducing those pressures when in actuality, they were probably just further fueling that fire that started years ago. I was just curious because if that’s what Moxie meant, she would usually be clearer. Lord knows she doesn’t leave anything vague and always spells it right out. That’s why I thought it was a bit of a contradiction.

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  4. Chester Says:

    I agree with Lost Sailor… Those guys writing did not intend women to see it because it’s a man’s site.
    And those guys are on the extreme, not the norm of the members.

    There’s bitterness on both sides. It is sad. But there is as much misandry as there is misogyny. But it is always easier to see the bitterness from the opposite sex than from yourself.

    There was a recent blog post here where the OP cancelled on a man that already purchased her plane ticket to a fishing trip. If that man could read the things that the women wrote here, he would have just as much a case as some of those nasty comments those guys made about that OKCupid girl and Moxie. The women here made a lot of bitter comments about that guy: He was a loser, needy, caveman. You guys tore him to shreds!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 5

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Those guys writing did not intend women to see it because it’s a man’s site.

      Um, no. Had you actually read the article instead of a snippet and then rushed to the comments to cry “Unfair!” you’d have learned that those guys left multiple comments here directing me to the site.

      As for the guy who got “ripped to shreds” the judgments made were based on his questionable behavior. Behavior that was clearly stated and shared, not speculated upon by strangers.

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  5. meh Says:

    women complain about the manosphere but it reveals ugly truths that people don’t like to acknowledge.

    i try to give advice here so people don’t end up like me: bitter, angry, never-married, no kids. and a lot of those manosphere sites basically do the same thing. if you don’t want to end up like that then learn how to be a person of value. i discovered those sites this year & they mostly just confirmed things i had already learned on my own the hard way.

    they tell men to be hard workers, go to the gym, be confident, lose weight, be interesting, some even tell them to stop watching porn & stop watching sports. to become a man that women want.

    most of the complaining about women is along the same lines. if you don’t want to end up old and un-married then be the type of woman that men want to marry. sure there is a lot of schadenfreude of old women who are still single but they also use those women as cautionary tales for younger women the same way that they point out beta males as examples of what not to do.

    the warnings & information is there. you can infer what you want but the end goal is the same: to find that special someone.

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  6. Mr. Krishan Says:

    Some of the response to your story was just trolls being trolls. They’re background noise.

    Where the mature members of the MRM object to stories like yours isn’t in your choice to be a single, unattached “spinster” (your word). If that’s what makes you happy, more power to you. The gripe lay in that a lot of feminists, specifically rich old white feminists, spouting that path as the one true road to happiness and causing a lot of women to abandon traditional gender roles and their ending up sad and miserable.

    There’s a reason that women are more unhappy nowadays than they’ve ever been, despite having more control over their bodies, their lifestyles, and their spending money than they ever have in history. It’s because they – feminists in particular – have thrown out all traditions as “the Patriarchy” in a misguided attempt to free them when they don’t even realize that they’re throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

    But women accept these ideas, this indoctrination, until it’s too late, because women by and large are hard-wired to go along, to build consensus and rapport, instead of striking out on their own. Yay for estrogen and oxytocin!

    For the women who want to be single, strong, powerful women, more power to you. Just don’t brainwash the majority of the female population into thinking that it’ll make THEM happy, because it won’t. One size fits all never does. Yet that’s the message that Feminism is selling, and that the MRM would like to see countered. Just because women can and should be allowed to do something, doesn’t mean it will be fulfulling or healthy for them all to do, or that they should be encouraged into it.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 5

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