How Do You Attract The People You Want?

Name: Rebeccawommenmen
Comment: How can you attract more of the men you’re interested in? I dont date a lot, mostly because its very rare for me to meet a guy Im attracted to (both physically and with a compatible personality).  I find there is a disconnect between the type of men who show interest in me and the men Im attracted to.  Is this a case of ‘getting what you deserve’?  Am I doomed to only attract men Im not interested in, and my only choice will be to settle for one of them or remain single forever?  Can I possibly change my style or the vibe I give off to somehow better reflect my interests and personality that I have in common with the men I am interested in?
Age: 26
City: Mobile
State: Alabama

I find there is a disconnect between the type of men who show interest in me and the men Im attracted to.  Is this a case of ‘getting what you deserve’?

It’s more about identifying your audience and understanding who your “competition” is.

Over the years I have come to accept that there are men I will never be able to pull for anything substantive. Those guys have far too many options, and I just don’t bring enough to the table to be considered a contender. That has led me to take second looks at other guys. I’ve had to re-adjust my type. That’s life. If you’re “never” able to get the guys you want, then you’re shooting out of your league. Plain and simple. There’s no easy way to say that. Either that or there are a few critical personality flaws that are turning men off.

You have to start with getting an accurate assessment of your looks. Ask friends whose opinion your trust and who will be honest with you.  Buckle up, because that could get uncomfortable and you might hear things that sting.

The next thing you have to do is determine what kind of first impression you make.  Go back and contact guys you’ve dated or met and get their feedback. This is all being done in the name of science! Remember that. There is a big difference between what women find attractive and what men find attractive. Just because all your girlfriends tell you how beautiful you are doesn’t mean men will agree. Doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful, either. You need balanced feedback.

Finally, go through your mental Roldex and to some inventory. Which men have stuck around and which men have shown no interest? Forget about the guys you’ve hooked up with once that you never saw again. They will throw off your average pull. Got an image? Okay. Work from there.

I know you’re thinking that this sounds like a lot of work, but if you truly want to attract a certain type of guy, you have to know what you bring to the table and what you can feasibly pull. Not knowing this is why so many people struggle to meet someone with whom they click. If you’re expressing interest or hoping to be approached for a certain caliber of guy and it’s not happening, you have to recalibrate a bit. You just do.

Once you get the all clear sign and figure out your audience, it becomes about finding the type of men you like and meeting them. If you prefer a specific type of guy, you have to get in front of them. That means contacting them on dating sites or attending events that will draw men you believe are more your type. I can assure you that a woman who knows how to approach and initiate conversation with a man stands out. So learn how to do that effectively. That will score you points.

If you can withstand the feedback from other people, I assure you that you will benefit from it. It might involve some effort and grit, but eventually it will pay off. Even if just leads to you embracing your audience. Doing that is going to set you apart from so many single men and women.





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54 Responses to “How Do You Attract The People You Want?”

  1. Gary Says:

    I can’t help but think that online dating has made this girls selection process off target. I have a female friend who after having a guy lose interest in her whom she met online how there were plenty of guys online who were “waiting in line”. Having all those suitors kind of brainwashes you into outright rejecting any guy who’s not the total package because the queue is long.

    • Idezign Says:

      I agree. I think men and women are sometimes too quick to eliminate a viable prospect. Online dating is a good thing. Unfortunately, we all think if we keep looking that “perfect” person is out there. So we keep dumping people for even the slightest flaw. And our want list keeps getting longer.

  2. LostSailor Says:

    There’s not really enough information here to address any specifics, but I generally agree with Moxie’s advice: If Rebecca is serious about a relationship, it’s going to self-examination, hard honesty, and critical thinking. And facing perhaps difficult truths.

    One thing is Rebecca says she doesn’t date a lot. That’s probably the first thing to change. That doesn’t mean being indiscriminate, but instead ditching the mental checklist that she’s using to screen dates. If she’s rejecting potential dates because she’s not meeting men who she finds physically attractive and with a compatible personality, she’s not giving a lot of men a chance to actually show personality. Physical attraction is what it is, but one can still broaden (not necessarily lowering) one’s standard there and see what develops. Just get out more.

    Other questions she should be asking herself:

    * what kind of men is she attracting and what is it she doesn’t find attractive in return?

    * what is on her checklist and what of those are realistic and what are unrequited wish fulfillment?

    Yes, it probably is a case of attracting what she deserves and looking out of her league. No one can say whether she can change her vibe and style but her, and only then by recognizing that what men find attractive in women is often not what women think.

    As Moxie says there is a big difference between what men and women find attractive. Men don’t really care about your career, educational accomplishments, or independence. Most me expect that as a baseline at most. It’s about what she brings to the table that the men she’s attracted to want, not what she thinks they should want.

    I don’t necessarily agree that contacting past failed dates is a good strategy; some may be honest, but most, especially in the South, will give palliative and polite answers, if they answer at all.

    That said, Rebecca is 26, and Mobile should be a decent market. But the hard truth is that if she’s not attracting the men she’s attracted to, the problem isn’t with the men…

  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    The best advice here, I think, is to learn what men, in general, actually like, not what you think they should like as Lost Sailor says, or what other women say men like. My view is that you learn this through experience – not so much by talking. Once you understand men, you conform yourself as best as you can to what they want with the understanding that, when it comes to specifics, everyone has different preferences. All “hot guys” don’t necessarily prefer the same “type” of girl.

    For the same reason, I’m not a big proponent of asking friends or, worse, past failed relationships. These people are uniquely situated to NOT tell you the truth. They have their own agendas. If anything, your enemies are more likely to be truthful. Better advice would be to STOP listening to your friends.

    Moxie’s advice seems well-intentioned but it also seems to assume that you are suffering from delusions. That’s a pretty serious assumption for most people, I think. As a grown women, you should already have a sense of your personal weaknesses whether they be physical issues (are you overweight, too tall, too short, etc.) or personality issues. Most people, I think, develop a good sense of self through life experience – how people generally treat you, interact with you. Not necessarily what they say to you, e.g. how they criticize you or complement you. If you’re so delusional that you have not developed this sense of self through life experience, I don’t think there’s anything that can be done to help you. At least through this medium, with words.

  4. coffeestop Says:

    I do not know what the LW is looking for in terms of compatibility but dating in the South is much different. If you look at the profiles of most southern men they are definitely seeking a more traditional woman for an LTR and often they put faith front and center. I live in a larger southern market than the LW. If she does not fit into local culture or is looking for a man who does not that might explain her hit and miss. Honestly is she is cute, Christian, and likes football she should be having no problems. However, if she gives off a “different” vibe the issue might not be that her expectations are too high or that she is over estimating her looks but she is in the wrong dating market. I know I am knocking the holy grail of “lower your standards” if she is attractive but not the traditional southern girl she is just being contacted by men who are not reading her profile. The other issue for the LW is that people tend to get married earlier in the South because they are traditional and feel guilty about having premarital sex and so even at 26 in a place like Mobile which is not very large compared to Nashville/Atlanta/Memphis she has fewer options than in a medium or large city in the Mid-West/North-East. It might not just be her and her lack of insight but specific circumstances.

  5. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    To attract someone you have to be what that person wants/finds attractive. You have to figure out what those people that you want are looking for.

    I am guessing what the OP is writing about is not level. A poor comparison. The men want to see MLB and the OP is offering NBA tickets… not that the OP has little league tickets.

    I had a problem like this years ago. The advice I was given is to look at the people these desired folks are going for. In my case, the woman I was interested in where going after the really tall mixed guys or light skinned AA men — that was the common factors. Think like Derrick Jeter.who was quite popular at the time. Not much I could do. Maybe your factor will be something you can do something about…maybe they like preppy women and you are not.

  6. JC Says:

    Virtually everyone attracts more people that are not thier type than those that are. That’s part of what makes dating challenging.

    Mentally revisit the times in your life when did attract your type and follow those same queues.

    • Eliza Says:

      Isn’t this the truth. Secondly, most people believe they are better looking than they actually are…which in a way is not bad, since it’s a sign of good self esteem. But “beauty” is so subject. I wish I was somewhat blind at times…because being my early 40’s now, and not having kids…and actually being very fit, I try to meet men who are fit, with older kids…but that’s nearly impossible. And most people say “I look younger than I am…you go to meet them, and are unpleasantly surprised. I guess we all have a warped sense of ourselves. Also, looking back, I am totally dumbfounded as to why I dated “some” of the men I have…since I don’t find them attractive at all. Maybe I had beer goggles on? Or their personalities really did a number on me and that’s what did it????

      I don’t know anymore. I hate dating. It’s such a nuisance.

  7. LaidNYC Says:

    “If you’re “never” able to get the guys you want, then you’re shooting out of your league.”


    Sorry but this problem starts and ends with the female’s looks. Its that simple.

  8. Michael Says:

    Great article. One point needs to be emphasized:

    “There is a big difference between what women find attractive and what men find attractive. ”

    Hint: forget heavy makeup, high heels, fancy hair, heavy perfume, fancy painted nails….

    Get fit. Exercise and eat well. Look natural. Wear clothes that complement your physique. Smile. Make eye contact. Light makeup MIGHT be appropriate. Natural colors are a must.

    As a man I look at the annual People’s magazine “top ten hottest guys” and just blink dumbly. What on earth is attractive to women about these guys? I just see a bunch of guys. Similarly, I think that women don’t get what is attractive to guys about them, so they end up piling on the war paint, absurd shoes or attire, etc. If all you see is a blank canvas, your instinct is to need to paint something on it.

    And sadly, the commercial interests do an amazing job of making you feel guilty if you don’t pile on the fake look.


    • Eliza Says:

      I happen to agree and personally find for women the “natural look” is the way to go. And the truth is makeup , shoes and an outfit can only do so much. If a person is overweight, they can still be “stylish” and put together, with a nice haircut, nails manicured, pedi, and all, nice handbag, etc…but they will still be overweight. They simply need to meet a person that doesn’t mind that – and sees othe qualities that make them shine. Makeup can’t change a person’s face…it merely enhances what a woman has or DOESN’T have actually. And as for eye contact…if a person is just not attractive to someone – having eye contact won’t matter anyway. But yes, I hear most men prefer natrual beauty–because ultimately the makeup has to come off ladies! We don’t wake up looking like that.

      Michael–as to your bewilderment about magazine’s “Top 10 hottest men”…why are you confused. Ryan Gosling is one hot man! He is so fit. Hint: Women prefer men who are fit too. And not all men can carry a shaved head like Vin Diesel another cute hot guy, or look great with a 5 0’clock shadow like Gosling or Russell Crowe. Not sure what other guys are on the top 10 list…perhaps Channing Tatum. He’s also very good looking. Why are you confused?? What’s not to like?

    • Chester Says:

      No one mentioned long hair. Most men prefer long hair, and this is one way a woman can add a lot of looks.
      I’d say besides losing weight, growing long hair is about the most effective way a woman can increase her feminine looks.

      Sure, my last girl had very short blond hair, and if you have a cute face you can sometimes get away with it. But I still think if she had long blond hair, it would have been much more attractive.

      • Eliza Says:

        What if that Long Hair is over processed and straggly in nature? With dead ends and split ends. Based on age, it’s not easy to grow hair “long” — with increasing aging, having long hair is not always an option for ALL women. Geez. There are so many demands/expectations put on women. But I do understand and have heard long hair is more appealing, which is why I do spend considerable amount of time treating my locks, and trimming the ends, and hope it continues to grow. Long hair is more versatile too. It’s amazing, a man can be bald and fat…yet still feel they want a svelte, very fit, woman with long locks.

  9. Carlos Nunez Says:

    > Ask friends

    I disagree with this. Friends are much more likely to go easy on their opinions for the sake of their relationships with the people they’re critiquing.

    I recommend a pure blind opinion similar to blind reviews of online profiles. I used reddit for this and got excellent feedback; it’s one of the things that makes that community so powerful. There are all sorts of people there that can offer all sorts of advice, including tips that may not be attainable easily from within one’s social circles.

  10. coffeestop Says:

    What exactly do you define as “natural” because the probably has a very wide definition. I am assuming it is the absence of long nails, fancy hair, and high heels. But here is the deal many women do that and they get told they are not attractive enough. That advice is fine if you happen to be a womean in her 20’s who looks like a 10. if you are average looking and you want to be considered appealing you have to put some effort in.

    • Eliza Says:

      coffeestop–putting effort doesn’t mean spending $200 in Sephora, and looking like you are auditioning for the Cirque du Soleil! lol. All the makeup in the world isn’t going to change the shape or features of your face. However, exercise can perhaps change your shape, and certain things do lend a positive edge towards datings. It is very much all about how one presents themselves. Unfortunately, if you have rotten teeth, or they are severly crooked, that can possibly hinder your dating options. I know plenty of women bring up discussions about how they were turned off by some men’s teeth…saying that they neglected even a simple cleaning. It’s a dealbreaker for some. It’s all personal preference. Some people don’t put much emphasis on teeth–others do. Actually some people find those long talon nails to be ugly…or don’t like very high weird looking heels…or they find all that bling and patterns on nails to be silly, not attractive…and some men like it. Whether you are 20 or 50–you can’t change who you are. Unless you get a face lift!–literally. I guess what some men are saying–is less is mlore…and just be as fit as you can be, enhance what you have, without going over the top

      • coffeestop Says:

        Eh. I do minimal make up myself as you age too much is even more unflattering on the olds than the youngs.

        • Eliza Says:

          I agree. Unfortunately, aging takes a toll on everyone. Being tan usually looks nice, but the sun really ages you too. You can’t win. After a certain age, it gets increasingly difficult to achieve what you consider “the beautiful natural look” that these men state are appealing to them. What these men are saying is they find women in their 20l, early 30’s beautiful…because it’s at that age where MOST women don’t need much assistance from products…they can wake up, apply next to nothing in terms of makeup, and go. It’s unrealistic for any man to expect that level of minimal maintenance from any woman in her 40’s, much less 50’s. Working out definitely helps, especially if you naturally have a nice body. But not all of us are lucky enough…you have what you have, and can only work within your limitations. It’s your genes/DNA. I just find there is too much pressure and unrealistic demands from society placed on women to look a certain way in spite of their age. It’s unfair–but it is what it is as they say. Men are visual. It’s is shallow–definitely. But it’s reality. Why do you think the beauty industry is a billion dollar business…as well as plastic surgery on the rise.
          The ONLY way a person is going to drastically “change” their looks to improve aesthetically is to go under the knife.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      coffeestop – Just do what makes you happy.

      I know the topic of this post is what men like, and I’m not saying the opinions offered aren’t valid, just that they’re so wildly divergent you’re never gonna please everyone anyway, so why drive yourself nuts trying? (“Be natural! Skip the war paint!” “The feminine attracts the masculine – pay attention to your makeup! Class it up with heels! I don’t wanna feel like I’m just hanging out with one of the guys!”). People are entitled to their preferences, but I get irritated when people talk about what they personally like as if it’s some kind of universal truth. Men are not a “hive mind,” nor are women.

      Most everyone agrees that confidence and keeping fit are universally attractive, though. I guess it’s helpful to focus on the Venn diagram of core things most people find attractive that also make you happy.

      • Chester Says:

        I think the confidence and fit are what women find attractive in men. I don’t think the reverse is quite as universal. The Damsel in distress is very attractive as men naturally want to help women.

        • Eliza Says:

          Oh geez. Now women have to act like a damsel in distress. But when you do – it comes across as needy. You are damned if you and damned if you don’t it seems with men. Fuzzilla is right…just do what makes YOU happy and don’t kill yourself trying to please everyone. I find it’s easiest when you don’t give a shit about dating, and just live your life, on your own terms, and that’s all. Don’t put much emphasis on meeting a nice guy. Especially after the age of 40. forget it. People are so scarred and have all these hangups, and prior experiences to the point where they are incapable of being open minded to a healthy relationship. All these expectations – external and otherwise.

          • LostSailor Says:

            Don’t put much emphasis on meeting a nice guy. Especially after the age of 40. forget it. People are so scarred and have all these hangups, and prior experiences to the point where they are incapable of being open minded to a healthy relationship.

            Wow. What an optimistic, upbeat outlook! With an attitude like that, it’s no wonder you find dating a nuisance and seem to only find fat, balding men.

            • Eliza Says:

              Lost – the point I was making was that most people after the age of 40 – have a lot of baggage in terms of emotional issues, divorces, financial issues, etc. Not being negative…just observant of how it has affected so many men. And yes, dating can be a nuisance. And by the way – a large percentage of men in their 40’s and mores 50’s are somewhat fat AND balding. Just stating a fact. I don’t live on the west coast. So, the population of single people in their 40’s and 50’s are not as fitness oriented here.

  11. Michael Says:

    Thanks for the comment “coffeestop”. I agree that it may not always be obvious what to do, but, 90% of what women are taught to do just looks weird and fake. When you paint your lips dark red, well, you look like you have dark red paint on your lips. What is supposed to be attractive about this? Same thing with heavy mascara, rouge, or fake eyelashes. What are we supposed to be seeing? It just all looks weird and fake.

    • coffeestop Says:

      And it gets melty looking in really hot climates.

      • fuzzilla Says:

        I prefer natural make-up myself (though I do always wear bright red lipstick. I’m so pale I feel like a ghost with out it. As I said, everyone’s preferences are different, anyway).

        Sometimes I’ll see something like this and I’ll be like “Maybe I should teach myself to give a shit about eye shadow, every once in a while, anyway”:

        I could stand to be in better shape, but gym visits and make-up tips aren’t really what’s holding me up, it’s what D. said about going for the unavailable (why? I had a string of long relationships, I’m tired of/wary of codependent relationships, an FWB situation is easy and low maintenance, and I need a new career more than a man. Apparently men don’t care about your career, but I care about my financial situation and work/life balance). Not to make it “about me,” but the OP should do some similar self-reflection. People in the comments are guessing and focusing on hair or clothes or whatever because the OP didn’t many details to go on.

        • coffeestop Says:

          Yes, I know men do not care about our careers and accomplishments but I need to pay bills and make enough of an effort in it to not look like a slacker. I think the sub text is “men care how you look” which is fine and all that but when the looks go or you never exactly had them you need a back up plan and that is where career and accomplishments come in. They are not for bragging they are for being able to live above the poverty line and if that makes me “too career obsessed” I guess I gotta own it.

          • D. Says:

            On the subject of career, that depends on the guy. I’d prefer to be with someone who is roughly as educated and accomplished as I am. I’d rather find someone who’s at roughly the same stage of life — including professionally — that I am. I’d also like to know that they make enough so that, if things ever really did get serious, I wouldn’t be looked to as the sole breadwinner, or wouldn’t have to kill myself in the office such that I’d never see my home just to support things. But then, I’m ultimately looking for marriage, family, etc., so those are considerations to me. Other guys may not give a damn one way or the other, as long as you can hold up your end of a conversation.

            I think it’s more accurate to say that career isn’t the kind of thing that a guy will brag about to his friends, or that will tip the balance in your favor necessarily. Whereas you might still occasionally hear a woman say “AND he’s a DOCTOR” to her friends when discussing last night’s date, guys aren’t bragging about how she’s an accomplished trial lawyer or she went to Yale or whatever. It’s still nice, but it matters more in the sense of “are we roughly on the same page?”

            • Eliza Says:

              D. So glad you actually admitted this that SOME men do PREFER to be with a woman of a certain educational background. I kept reading the opposite, and found that to be confusing. Perhaps I work in an industry which is extremely career-focused – law. Where everyone not only inquires and places emphasis on whether you are a lawyer, but which law school you attended – and yes, even as a woman, this is important. And actually women do consider men in certain careers to be more appealing. Frankly, I don’t like lawyers. No offense to any that is. I guess I have worked for them, and haven’t found them to be very respectful, kind and easy to work with. Very pompous. I like a man that has manners and treats everyone well…that is attractive to me.

              • D. Says:

                Well, the opposite can certainly be true for some guys. Some guys want a woman who is more available, and view a career woman or someone who’s super-accomplished as likely not having as much time available. Dating, say, a physician would mean that she’s probably on call a fair amount, and therefore won’t have as much time as someone who works a 9-5 job that they leave at the office when they go home. It may not even be about “she’s more accomplished than I am,” as much as it is “I don’t want to compete with her career for her time” or “It’d be nice if she was free when I was.” Those same guys might not want to date a pastry chef, simply because they don’t want to be involved with someone who’s waking up at, like, 4am each day to go make dough.

                I think what you’ve seen on here is that a lot of women write in and tout what they see as things that make them desirable, and they routinely say something about how they’re accomplished, educated, and successful, with the theory apparently being that, because they find it attractive in guys, guys will find it equally attractive. I don’t think that’s necessarily the case — but while some guys may find it a turnoff, other guys find it to be a “nice to have” rather than a “must have.”

        • Chester Says:

          Hey Fuzilla, I enjoyed seeing those before and after of those porn stars.

          I see the makeup making an incredible difference in looks for these women, especially blue haired and pink haired. I think bad makeup looks bad, but good makeup looks good. Guys that say they prefer no makeup are thinking of bad makeup situations. And many women do makeup poorly. So I think most guys that say they prefer natural look will still prefer the woman with a lot of makeup if done right. You can’t deny those photos. I don’t think any guy alive would prefer their natural look to the makeup look.

          And another plug for long hair…about 3 with short hair but most have long hair.

          • Eliza Says:

            Great link to before and after from Fuzzilla. Again, women would need to know how to apply makeup like that so it enhances their features. I have tried and have never been able to master the art of makeup application like that. I do very little, and probably not enough to pull off those nice looks. Oh well. I can only do the best I can and try. Whoever approaches me with genuine interest will like me as I am, imperfections inside and out. And yes, thankfully, I have long healthy hair–but it is work. For me just having “long” hair is not beautiful if it is straggly, super thin, and broken/split and over processed/dry. Some women can’t grow their hair beyond a certain length, it’s biology. Just like some men can’t even have hair…they go bald. Some things are out of our control.

            • fuzzilla Says:

              There are a lot of makeup tutorials on YouTube. I bookmarked this one in particular for myself as I also have blue eyes, so thought the colors would kinda “work” for me:


              Makeup can really do amazing things and it’s nice to have options. I just don’t know if I have the patience, heh. Usually I just wear moisturizer, foundation and powder to make my skin nice, red lipstick (always; I really feel naked without it) and maybe mascara.

              • fuzzilla Says:

                Although I’d probably need a “quieter,” more toned down lipstick if i was really gonna go to town with eye shadow like that, or I’d look like Miss Makeup Face Clown (prob. another reason I don’t usually bother with it).

  12. D. Says:

    Some of this could be “league” related, although I tend to think that “leagues” are a lot more fungible than people tend to think, and not just because “oh, well, he’s rich, so that’s why she’s dating him even if he isn’t as good looking.”

    I think the more important issue isn’t strictly “set your sights lower,” but rather “figure out why you’re chasing guys who are unavailable for whatever reason.” It might be that, in the looks department, the guys she’s attracted to are no better looking in any objective sense than the guys she isn’t attracted to. It’s just that she’s so drawn to the flaky artist type (or she’d say “free spirit”) that she overlooks the equally goodlooking, but more available more traditional guy. Or vice versa. Who knows.

    But whether she’s chasing after guys who are objectively better looking, or drastically more accomplished, or totally disinterested in anything serious (assuming she wants something serious), the end result is that she’s focused on guys who are — for whatever reason — unavailable.

    Why is that?

    If she answers that question, it may be that she’ll start reevaluating what it is she really wants, and her tastes will shift towards guys who are more available.

    • LostSailor Says:

      Leagues may or may not be fungible but this OP’s issue is not about the “availability” of the men she’s looking for, it’s that she can’t get any attention from the men she’s looking for:

      its very rare for me to meet a guy Im attracted to (both physically and with a compatible personality)

      but is attracting attention from men that she doesn’t find attractive.

      So, yes, it probably is a matter of shooting out of her league and/or is overestimating her own attractiveness to that target market.

      Either way, I do agree that some serious self-examination is in order.

      • D. Says:

        Well, to be clear, I consider “uninterested” as no different from “unavailable.” They may be available in a general sense — but not to her. That’d also include a guy who’s out of her league, to the extent one buys into the concept. He’s not available because he’s not interested in women of her “league” in any serious way. But he’s still unavailable to her.

        All I’m saying is, whether it’s “leagues” or something else, she’s going after guys who aren’t interested in her. Figuring out why she’s doing that will likely be necessary before she can shift gears and focus on guys who are interested in her or are more likely to be.

        • LostSailor Says:

          I understand your point, from a semantic point of view, but conflating “uninterested’ and “unavailable” is just that: semantics. And it’s not how nearly everyone understands “unavailable.”

          • D. Says:

            You make a good point. Although, the way I see it, it can be helpful to look at people who are uninterested as no different from being unavailable. Like, the same way you’d treat someone who was married. That person, for you, is off the market. Doesn’t matter why. So, if they’re not available or not interested or otherwise beyond your reach for any reason, why are you chasing them? Why are you going after anyone who won’t be with you, regardless of the reason why they won’t be with you? That’s, I think, the bigger question.

  13. mindstar Says:

    If you want a brutally honest assessment of your looks speak to a child between 8 and 12 years old when their parents are not around.

  14. A to the F Says:

    Whether you’re male or female, to attract the people you want you need to become the type of person that the people you want find attractive.
    – Get into good shape
    – Dress to impress (but not slutty if you’re a girl)
    – Volunteer at a non-profit or two (something that helps children, veterans, seniors or animals)
    – Don’t be an annoying eater; try new things, enjoy what you eat
    – Don’t be an annoying drinker; if you’re a women don’t always order pinot grigio or vodka soda, again try new things
    – Don’t complain about your family, your friends, or your work
    – Do something professionally that makes you happy
    – Do different things than you normally do, go to the theatre, the opera, the symphony, the ballet
    – Learn how to play bar games, pool, darts,
    – Smile and laugh all the time
    – Be funny, learn how to tease in good humor, be sassy and sarcastic (but not mean)
    – Spend time with friends doing fun things

    You don’t need to be a model or look like Brad Pitt. You do these things, and there’s no such thing as out of your league.

    • A to the F Says:

      A couple more:
      – read books and make it something besides Twilight and 50 Shades, try Game of Thrones
      – know what’s going in in the world and have an opinion in current events
      – have good manners, say thank you for little things
      – know some music, especially new stuff
      – be kind to service industry people, waiters, bartenders, baristas

  15. D'Alias Says:

    To add to the above:
    – make yourself feel like you are as pretty as you care to be (heels, makeup, no makeup, new hair, whatever)
    – understand you could always “do more” to be prettier; accept how much effort your willing to give and live with the consequences. (eg; if your hair is short you can get extensions of you’re willing to pay for it; you can spend 6 days a week at the gym and consume veggies only of you want a hot body; there’s surgery; etc)
    – don’t believe men when they tell you they want a natural beauty. Not because they’re lying or anything, they are just clueless as to what some women do to get a natural look. Esp ignore them when it comes to make up choices. Choose natural or articical looks for yourself and just try to do them well. Somebody will dig it.
    – be yourself; intuitive people know when you’re faking your personality
    – relax on dates
    – date often and indiscriminately as a way to understand men, but don’t lead people on for too long. If you are online and check off new friends as an option, they’re on notice that you might not be looking for a hubby on date one
    – don’t get too caught up on rules
    – trust your instincts
    – give people a chance; don’t just blow them off after a first date unless you think they might be dangerous
    – don’t be afraid to read books/articles on how to be a good girlfriend or wife
    – accept that men and women are generally different, and make an effort to learn about men from men ( talk to older men you admire, scour the Internet; male friends)
    – never have sex with a new partner if you aren’t ready to (To help keep you from turning bitter)
    – limit, but don’t necessarily dismiss, advice from people you fear becoming, like the cat lady.
    – always take care of your own emotional needs; lots of damaged people try to put the responsibility for their happiness on your shoulders. Ignore them. These are the guys that cry about spending money on dinner when it didn’t go anywhere; feel entitled to YOUR body just cuz you spent a little time together and he spent like 50 – 100 bucks; aggressively pursue you after you said NO to more dates, etc.

    Hopefully all the advice from the posters here will help you out. Good luck

  16. Rebecca Says:

    Im the OP, and thanks to Moxie for answering my question. From a lot of the comments here I guess I should clarify a bit. Its more about “types” that I attract rather than level of hotness. Im attracted to sporty guys, outdoorsy guys who dress casually and enjoy physical activities. I feel that these are all interests I have and Id like someone similar who shares them. Im in good physical shape, I dress casually etc so I would figure that I would appeal to men who are similar. Instead I seem to attract guys who are a bit more nerdy, shy or overweight. I can attract fairly good looking guys occasionally too, but they are either casanova types or have compatibility differences – i.e. they like to party a lot, they are big into music/arts etc – differences that make their physical looks irrelevant.

    • Eliza Says:

      Rebecca…I know what you mean. I have the same issue. I am very outdoorsy–but still very much a girly girl…not too casual. Yet, I only seem to attract men who are NOT into the gym as I am. Or worse…the last guy that was very interested was a smoker. ;( yuck. He didn’t work out or even want to go to the gym even 1x or 2x a week. He also liked his beer very often. I don’t drink heavily. And can’t be around smoke…as I am asthmatic. Wish I could meet a guy that was into fitness. It would be fun to workout together, go running, etc. oh well.

    • Belle Vierge Says:

      How are you meeting these guys? If you’re meeting guys in “singles” locations (bars, clubs, parties, etc.) then you should probably upgrade your dress a few levels. I love wearing comfortable clothes, which might explain your preference for casual clothes, but you can be cute and comfortable. Cute, good-fitting jeans instead of old, ratty jeans. If you have nice legs, then fitted short shorts instead of baggy long shorts. Fitted tees in complementary colors instead of freebie tees or oversized tees. Sundresses can be extremely comfortable too, and according to the Men of Twitter, they love sundress season. (Seriously, so many tweets in April/May about sundresses).

      If you’re meeting these guys doing outdoorsy or sporty stuff, they might see you as “one of the guys.” Hopefully someone else can give you good advice on changing that impression. I was everyone’s “sister” in my hometown because all the eligible men were friends with my twin brother. Instead of seeing me as datable, I was a just a friend/sister. I had to move out-of-state to escape this.

      Oh! And you’re southern. Me too. Yeah, even though I went to a different college than my twin brother, so I met all these great guys on my own, it didn’t help. Unless you’re a traditional woman, looking for a husband who will lead you, you might literally have to move out-of-state. It sucks, but it’s true. I’m a feminist, and conservative, Christian, southern men don’t date feminists.

  17. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I’m in good physical shape, I dress casually etc so I would figure that I would appeal to men who are similar.”

    There’s the fallacy. Those “rugged, outdoorsy” qualities that you find attractive in a man are not necessarily the same qualities that a man finds attractive in a woman. I think that’s the point being made above.

    Also, it’s not that you are somehow exclusively “attracting” nerdy, shy or overweight” guys, it’s that you are not attracting outdoorsy, sporty guys with lots of options. The ones with less options know it and are settling on you.

  18. Mark Says:

    A lot going on here, OP.

    Your letter touches many areas. Unfortunately, it is a generalized letter. Because of that I really don’t think you can go much beyond a generalized response.

    You live in the South and in a smaller city. The pool by definition is also smaller. That can be a good or a bad thing. Good in that what is there is there, without the temptation to simply say there is always the next….. Coincidentally, hat’s also the bad thing.

    As Moxie pointed out the big thing here seems to be the disconnect. It just seems too big. Judging from your stated claim that those who interest you are not interested while those who show interest in you are not interesting to you. I hate to use the label of ‘leagues’ but it seems appropriate here.

    What to do?

    In this instance I don’t think I would go to friends for advice. One, they probably have already given you advice. but is was presented in subtle ways that you did not pick up on or ignored. Two, they probably won’t risk their relationship by being totally blunt. Low upside and high downside for them.

    A good option is to carefully look around and see what works in your locality. Nothing breeds success like success. Emulate what you think you can incorporate given who you are to improve the odds. Improve on what you can improve on without trying to be someone you fundamentally aren’t.

    If you still find things a relative bust, then some serious consideration to who you are looking for might be in order.

  19. D'Alias Says:

    So then why don’t you look at the types of girls these guys go out with and imitate their dress and general style. You can’t totally change who you are inside but some new clothes never hurt anyone. Guys dont usually go for female versions of themselves – they usually try to go a step or two “above” (whatever that means to them; hotter, funnier, cooler, smarter, calmer, etc.)

  20. Bill Says:

    If you can not currently attract one of these types of men for a relationship today you will just end up feeling (used, scorn, that all men are assholes, heartache, etc). Do you really want to change for a man or do you want the man to change for you?

    • Matt Says:

      Personally, I believe that the right person should be the catalyst for positive change, not vice versa.

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