Comment: I met this man 6 years ago and we have kept in touch all the time even though we were both dating others. We have often met up for sex over the years. Recently, both of us ended our relationships. We met up a few times and we get along amazingly. When we are together this man can barely look at me and he literally shakes around me. I recently revealed my feelings to him and found out he had started dating one of his coworkers who shares my exact passions, horseback riding. His gf contacted me on Facebook to see who I was and after I emailed her back I discovered he was dating her and leading me on. I had asked him several times what his intentions were and he kept telling me he wanted to stay single. When I confronted him about the gf, he said he and I were just friends and that he wanted to stay my friend and date her. The only reason he chose to date her is he has to work with her. He said he has no feelings for me, but would always make comments about my dates and insist we stay friends. He has some pictures I want deleted but he won’t acknowledge my requests about them. I say he took the easy way out by dating someone he doesn’t have any vested feelings in and because he has to work with her he wants to save his reputation by ignoring me and pretending me and his feelings don’t exist. Any advice? I still love this man and feel scorned.
Let’s back up. There is some missing information here.
How did the GF know to contact you specifically? If I’m following the timeline here, you revealed your feelings to this guy and he then told you that he had begun dating someone. After that, his GF contacted you on Facebook, yes?
Here’s what I know. Women don’t just contact random women who are friends with their boyfriends on Facebook. There had to be something on his Facebook page that established you as having some kind of place in his life. It sounds like it was pictures. Maybe some wall posts, too. Whatever it was, it was enough for the girlfriend to wonder who you were. If you’re all over his page or otherwise making your presence known, then the girlfriend is likely trying to step in and let you know of her existence. Can’t say that I blame her, as most men typically get squeamish about having to do that upon their girlfriend’s insistence. She’s protecting what is hers. Respect that, regardless of whether or not you agree with it. I have been in your shoes and I know what it’s like to just want scream from the roof tops that a guy is shady. I assure you, either his girlfriend knows and doesn’t care or will find out soon enough. It’s not your job to protect her or defend yourself. You don’t have a dog in this fight. And please don’t use that, “Well if it were me I’d want to know” excuse. That’s another load of bullshit that we like to say to each other. Want to know why our friends tell us that/ Because either a) they’ve done it and want to feel less shame for it or b) want to grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the drama. Stop falling for it. Keep your mouth shut and walk away and thank whomever or whatever that you are no longer involved with someone so dishonorable. And learn from it.
I’m not sure that I agree that this guy was leading you on. You asked him what his intentions were and he told you he wanted to stay single. Translation: I don’t want to date you. He was being honest in the sense that he was not interested in a relationship with you. He just framed it in a way that wouldn’t be as uncomfortable and hurtful. Before anyone says, “Geez! Why can’t he just be honest??’ This letter is why. Listen to her. This is why men fear being totally honest. From here on out, when a man says that he doesn’t want a relationship at that moment what she should hear is, “I will sleep with you and hang out with you but I do not wish to commit to you in any way.”
You’re trying to rationalize why he chose her over you. That’s a coping mechanism. We all do it. But the better thing to do is just accept his decision and not try to convince yourself there are other motivations concerning why he chose who he chose. It has nothing to do with convenience. He likes her better. That’s it. I’m sorry to put it to you in such a blunt way, but you need to accept that before you drive yourself mad or do something foolish.
Stop contacting him with flimsy excuses to get him to engage you. Forget the pictures. It’s not about the pictures. You might as well call him and say, “I won’t be ignored, Dan!” because that’s how he sees you right now, if I had to guess. You want to be heard and acknowledged. You have to understand something. Even if he does wish to maintain a friendship with you, he can’t respond. He has a girlfriend. He’s unsure of what will happen if he responds to you and doesn’t want to have to endure another round of, “Why her and not me? You led me on!”
As a side note, I’m not sure if this is what you’re admitting but if you and he were sleeping with each other while involved with other people, then none of this should surprise you. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you two were cheating, then that’s just evidence that this guy is dishonest. People who cheat are not going to magically become better people because of true love or some profound connection.
You’re hurt and disappointed and this guy didn’t handle himself in an honorable way. Do whatever you need to do to distance yourself from this guy.By fixating on his happiness you will only delay yours.