Beware The Woman Who Feels Scorned

Name: Charlottescorned-woman
Comment: I met this man 6 years ago and we have kept in touch all the time even though we were both dating others. We have often met up for sex over the years. Recently, both of us ended our relationships. We met up a few times and we get along amazingly. When we are together this man can barely look at me and he literally shakes around me.  I recently revealed my feelings to him and found out he had started dating one of his coworkers who shares my exact passions, horseback riding. His gf contacted me on Facebook to see who I was and after I emailed her back I discovered he was dating her and leading me on.  I had asked him several times what his intentions were and he kept telling me he wanted to stay single.  When I confronted him about the gf, he said he and I were just friends and that he wanted to stay my friend and date her.  The only reason he chose to date her is he has to work with her. He said he has no feelings for me, but would always make comments about my dates and insist we stay friends.  He has some pictures I want deleted but he won’t acknowledge my requests about them.  I say he took the easy way out by dating someone he doesn’t have any vested feelings in and because he has to work with her he wants to save his reputation by ignoring me and pretending me and his feelings don’t exist. Any advice? I still love this man and feel scorned.
Age: 36
City: Toronto
State: Ontario

 

Let’s back up. There is some missing information here.

How did the GF know to contact you specifically? If I’m following the timeline here, you revealed your feelings to this guy and he then told you that he had begun dating someone. After that, his GF contacted you on Facebook, yes?

Here’s what I know. Women don’t just contact random women who are friends with their boyfriends on Facebook. There had to be something on his Facebook page that established you as having some kind of place in his life. It sounds like it was pictures. Maybe some wall posts, too. Whatever it was, it was enough for the girlfriend to wonder who you were. If you’re all over his page or otherwise making your presence known, then the girlfriend is likely trying to step in and let you know of her existence. Can’t say that I blame her, as most men typically get squeamish about having to do that upon their girlfriend’s insistence. She’s protecting what is hers. Respect that, regardless of whether or not you agree with it. I have been in your shoes and I know what it’s like to just want scream from the roof tops that a guy is shady. I assure you, either his girlfriend knows and doesn’t care or will find out soon enough. It’s not your job to protect her or defend yourself. You don’t have a dog in this fight. And please don’t use that, “Well if it were me I’d want to know” excuse. That’s another load of bullshit that we like to say to each other. Want to know why our friends tell us that/ Because either a) they’ve done it and want to feel less shame for it or b) want to grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the drama. Stop falling for it. Keep your mouth shut and walk away and thank whomever or whatever that you are no longer involved with someone so dishonorable. And learn from it.

I’m not sure that I agree that this guy was leading you on. You asked him what his intentions were and he told you he wanted to stay single. Translation: I don’t want to date you. He was being honest in the sense that he was not interested in a relationship with you. He just framed it in a way that wouldn’t be as uncomfortable and hurtful. Before anyone says, “Geez! Why can’t he just be honest??’ This letter is why. Listen to her. This is why men fear being totally honest. From here on out, when a man says that he doesn’t want a relationship at that moment what she should hear is,  “I will sleep with you and hang out with you but I do not wish to commit to you in any way.”

You’re trying to rationalize why he chose her over you. That’s a coping mechanism. We all do it. But the better thing to do is just accept his decision and not try to convince yourself there are other motivations concerning why he chose who he chose. It has nothing to do with convenience. He likes her better. That’s it. I’m sorry to put it to you in such a blunt way, but you need to accept that before you drive yourself mad or do something foolish.

Stop contacting him with flimsy excuses to get him to engage you. Forget the pictures. It’s not about the pictures. You might as well call him and say, “I won’t be ignored, Dan!” because that’s how he sees you right now, if I had to guess. You want to be heard and acknowledged. You have to understand something. Even if he does wish to maintain a friendship with you, he can’t respond. He has a girlfriend. He’s unsure of what will happen if he responds to you and doesn’t want to have to endure another round of, “Why her and not me? You led me on!”

As a side note, I’m not sure if this is what you’re admitting but if you and he were sleeping with each other while involved with other people, then none of this should surprise you. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you two were cheating, then that’s just evidence that this guy is dishonest. People who cheat are not going to magically become better people because of true love or some profound connection.

You’re hurt and disappointed and this guy didn’t handle himself in an honorable way. Do whatever you need to do to distance yourself from this guy.By fixating on his happiness you will only delay yours.

 

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10 Responses to “Beware The Woman Who Feels Scorned”

  1. coffeestop Says:

    I am confused. I think this one needs a drama alert sticker. She asked him “several times and he said he wanted to stay single” so the LW thought if she kept asking he would change his mind? When they are together he cannot look her in the eye and literally shakes? Maybe he is worried she is turning into a stalker? I think that is weird why would anyone want to date somebody who shakes in their presence. I wonder if the LW felt that she was “owed” a relationship because she had some casual sex with him over the years. I think the dude is vaguely spineless and the LW freaks him out so he gave her bullshit reasons. Nobody is forced to date another person just because they work together. Never once did this guy tell her he wanted a romantic relationship so there is actually nothing to “confront”. She wants closure over something that did not happen. This whole letter is weird the person writing it is actually 36 but perhaps in a 13 year old time warp. I don’t get where he was leading her on or how she can love him. They never dated, he is dating somebody else he never said he wanted to date or have a relationship, they aren’t even having casual sex now. She has a case of “the crazy”. I am sympathetic to being scorned you want reasons, explanation, you want to hear from the other person that they feel bad for flinging you away when in fact simply not having contact is the best way to heal from being rejected when you were in an actual relationship which she was clearly not. This one creeps me out.

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  2. noquay Says:

    The OP never had a relationship with this dude, casual sex on occasion is just that, being used for sex. Time to move on, get over it, and think twice before hooking up in the future.

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  3. Hard ache Says:

    Weren’t they both using each other for sex? Weren’t they both being dishonest if they were already in other committed relationships? I hear a tone of “he’s being dishonest” here. Wtf?

    Besides that this posting just screams – she’s weird dude, run a mile. Nothing good will come out of this.

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  4. julie Says:

    He certainly shouldnt have been sleeping with her if he had a girlfriend. But was she also sleeping with him when she was in a relationship with someone else? Did they keep in touch (i.e. friendly platonic stuff) all those 6 years or where they cheat on their SOs all of that time? If the former, he is shady and dishonest. If the later, they are both shady and dishonest, and he apparently has a thing for insecure controlling women because I absolutely cannot imagine contacting a stranger on facebook and asking her “what are you doing with *my* man?” What? Its his job to manage *his* friends and lovers.

    As for “wanting to be single” or “not wanting a relationship right now”, hey I’m sure we have all fallen for or deluded ourselves with that one at some point. Yeah, it means “I want a relationship with YOU NEVER but what can I say to keep the sex going?”

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    • coffeestop Says:

      The story I always remind myself of is being very serious about a man and very much in love with him and he said to me ” I do not want to get married”. I was not dropping hints he just told me straight up and I think there is some phenomenon where you become deaf after you have invested emotions. Guess what….. he did not want to marry me, after we split up he met and married a woman and as far as I know he is content some 20 years later. So, I agree it is pretty difficult to say to somebody essentially the problem is you, not I don’t want a relationship or marriage. I suspect if the dude in this case been honest and said guess what I prefer my co-worker to you she might have gone all psycho on him so he was just engaging in self preservation.

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      • julie Says:

        I totally hear ya. I had the first guy I dated pull the ‘ole, “Im going through a divorce and am not ready fora relationship right now, but maybe in a month or two.” A few months later, I asked again and was told the same thing. It wasnt until I asked a 3rd time and the story had changed to “maybe in a year or two” that finally got a clue.

        I dont think guys do this because they dont want the woman to go psycho on them because uh hem…maybe they shouldnt be putting their schlong inside the mouth of a woman they think is a psycho. Lol. I certainly didnt go psycho on the guy I was dating. They do it because its firm enough to keep them out of a commitment but vague enough to keep a lot of women (like our former selves) who have stupidly invested ourselves into a non-relationship from giving up and walking away.

        Is that fair? Dunno. One could argue we should have known better, one could also argue that he knows better too. Thats kind of the grey zone.

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        • coffeestop Says:

          Point taken and the grey zone almost always involves one of the two parties being hurt or pissed which I have to say if we ( I am pointing the finger at myself ) as humans were slightly more comfortable with ambiguity ….. well never mind because Moxie might not have a column. No but really we want certaintly we push for certainty but how often does that really happen in the course of male/female relations, I am not placing fault. The fact is I have felt ambigious about relationships myself or drifted there after a time.

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          • Julie Says:

            Being on the “wanting more” side of the relationship divide with a partner who did not is so painful that its easy to forget that we have probably all been the uncertain, ambivalent or reluctant partner baffled our partner (or friends) pain or anger. “What? I never said I wanted to marry you! I said I wasnt sure and wanted to give it a chance!”

            That said, I think that we all have our own personal threshold for relationship ambiguity at every stage of the game without there necessarily being any right or wrong about it. Some folks are ok to be in casual relationships forever while others want exclusivity from day 1. I think thats more a matter of compatability then any particular personal short coming. Thats my opinion on the matter of course :-).

            I think it does get cruel when one person knowingly strings another along intentionally playing in the grey. More often then not, I think each party simply tries to read social queues and assumes that the other is playing by the same rules until surprise! The situation escallates to a confrontation and one party feels “used” while the other thinks they have been dating a “psycho”.

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            • D. Says:

              A lot of that, I think, has to do with people (and this applies to both men and women) who want to blame the other party alone for having themselves misread the cues.

              Like, dudes who complain about taking a girl out multiple times when she’s not giving them a ton of positive feedback, who want to say “Well, then why’d she keep accepting?! She should’ve known better and spoken up!!” Yet those same guys completely ignore that they kept asking. Same story with a girl who keeps sleeping with or dating a guy who’s only giving her so much positive feedback, who then wants to blame the guy for not calling things off sooner…as if she lacked the ability to say “This isn’t what I want” and walk away herself?

              Now, this is different from asking someone if they want to get serious and them saying “Yes,” but then continually refusing to do so. Or someone saying they want to be exclusive with you and then dating other people behind your back. I don’t think anyone here would condone that.

              But as in the story from the OP, this guy told her everything she needed to know — she just didn’t want to hear it. “I want to be single” = “I’m not interested in you.” Or even if it doesn’t mean anything personal, it means that the guy doesn’t want what she wanted. She wanted a relationship. He didn’t. The reason he didn’t is irrelevant.

              Once she knew the story, if she kept at it and it didn’t work out, she’s got nobody to blame but herself, the same way that a guy who keeps asking a girl out who never really shows a ton of interest in him has only himself to blame if he keeps asking her out and she keeps accepting.

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  5. fuzzilla Says:

    >Before anyone says, “Geez! Why can’t he just be honest??’ This letter is why. Listen to her. This is why men fear being totally honest. From here on out, when a man says that he doesn’t want a relationship at that moment what she should hear is, “I will sleep with you and hang out with you but I do not wish to commit to you in any way.”<

    Exactly. This is why you keep options open and stay detached until you're given clear reason not to (or, "it all means nothing 'til it means something"). Be willing to walk away if the hurt/disappointment outweighs the fun.

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