Comment: I have a boyfriend of three and a half years. He has been married and divorced once. I have never been married. We both have children. He has three and I have one. My son lives with me and his children live with their mother.
My dilemma…I will be 35 this year and I’m ready to settle down and have a life married to this man. In the years we have been together, we have never had an argument. We have disagreements, but we are mature enough to agree to disagree and leave it at that.
He is 42 years old and has lived with his mother since his divorce seven years ago. I own my home. There is no true financial reason as to why he must remain in his mother’s house. I do not want him living in my house because we are not married and if something happened, I don’t want to make him get out. (Been there, done that before).
I have hinted around that I want to move on with our lives and have a real life together instead of living separately and not enjoying the perks of being married. He has what I consider the best employer benefits around. I am a real estate agent and do not have any health benefits and any money I put back into an IRA is not matched by my company.
I am to the point where I don’t want to get married because of love, its only for the benefits that come along with being married.
I feel like he has put me on a shelf, like I’m on some sort of probation period. Really, if anyone should feel this way, it should be me making him feel this way. I won’t bore you with the details, but he has a lot of baggage and an ex-wife that anyone would love to hate as well as a teenage daughter that is truly despicable.
So, why do I keep allowing him to lead me on when he should be bowing down to me for being a part of his life and helping him resolve countless issues with his children and everything that involves his ex-wife? He doesn’t have to put up with ANYTHING from me or my son. Nothing. At. All. I appreciate him because he is very good to me, but I just don’t feel like truly sees me as a future. I believe he only sees me as the “here and now”.
You won’t let him move in with you because you don’t want to have to kick him out, but you do want to marry him which doesn’t really protect you from having to kick him out. Do you see the contradiction there? You’re rationalizing. You don’t want him to move in with you because he hasn’t asked you to marry him. That’s the real issue, I think. It sounds like you only want to marry him for the stability and possible financial recourse you might have should you divorce. Not great reasons in my opinion. If I can extrapolate that possibility from your letter just imagine what vibes he might be getting.
You are really in no position to speculate about his finances. He has multiple children and he’s divorced? That’s why he’s living with his mother. He’s not moving forward with things because of your comments about wanting to enjoy the perks of being married. He knows your true motivation. That’s why he’s not asking you to marry him. Since he’s already gone through one divorce, he doesn’t want to end up with another one on his hands, which is what typically happens when people don’t marry for love. So, you kinda screwed the pooch here a bit by tipping your hand. That and you sound rather, well, entitled. Few men and women are fans of that kind of thinking.
You talk like you’re doing him a favor just by dating him and helping him with his kids and “crazy” ex-wife. That’s what being a partner is about. You don’t get brownie points for not being an asshole. Not only that but why would you want to marry a man who has a child that you find despicable? Maybe that, too, is a reason why he’s not proposing? You know, because you hate his kid? That’s his child you’re bad mouthing. What? Teenagers can be difficult? You don’t say!
He likely doesn’t see you as a future because that’s not how you see him and you’ve all but told him as much. Not sure how you can undo this. I don’t think he’ll ever fully trust that you’re not looking for something from him other than love.