Question: I was seeing, ok let’s be honest, hooking up with and occasionally having dinner with this guy a year or so ago. He was fun enough to hang out with when we did hang out but mainly I was just very physically and sexually attracted to him. I could tell he obviously didn’t want a relationship with me because it would be weeks in between text messages but he always lingered around in my thoughts and always popped back up. I tried my best to give him space and not worry about it. Then one day he came over and told me he wasn’t into me in a dating way and that he felt horrible about that because he liked me and thought I was a cool person but I guess the way he summed it up as being that I was not the one and he did not want to lead me on. I appreciated his honesty but was a little hurt in the , what’s wrong with me ? Kind of way. But i expected it. Regardless of this, we bumped into each a few times after and we always ended up sleeping together .
I moved away for a year with no contact with him and moved back a few months ago. We ran into each other at a bar and he told me he missed me and we hooked up for the first time in over a year since I moved. He seemed the same but made more effort to see me… For a few weeks he was calling me after work to see where I was and meeting up with me and my friends. Most the time it resulted in us hooking up at the end of the night but not always . I started to think maybe there was a possibility of dating and just then he stopped contact…didn’t ask me what I was doing and if I texted him to hang out he’d say he was really busy (obviously bullshit) . I’m not sure what went wrong but I haven’t contacted him in a couple weeks when I ran into him on Friday. He was sober and I was hammered. I didn’t bring up anything to show my feelings at first until we ended up alone in his bed . I know I said things about the way i feel and his recent absence but I have no clue what I said or how he responded, I blacked out! How embarrassing.
Obviously he’s not treating me like a queen , but I also think he is a nice guy, not a typical asshole, and I think there’s a lot of miscommunication …or maybe I just have trouble handling the truth, which is that he’s not that into me… It’s just frustrating that he stopped talking to me but acts completely happy to see me when we bump into each other. How do I handle the situation since I blacked out when I tried to talk to him? Do I just let it go with no communication or wait a bit and try to have one last chat with him to see why he’s behaving this way??
The only real miscommunication is on your end. He doesn’t want to date you. That’s why he’s behaving this way. Look at the pattern of your relationship. When you try to initiate getting together, he tells you he’s busy. He contacts you when he has no other options on the docket or because he knows he can get you into bed. He knows this because you have proven this theory by going to bed with him whenever you see him. You’re a Sure Thing and he knows it.
There’s nothing wrong with being a Sure Thing. You simply have to be able to identify the guys who only bother with you when they want something. You can still have sex with them. You just can’t expect anything from them. Nor can you get in your head about why they behave the way they do. You also need to understand that a lot of what people say in these situations (“You’re so cool! I feel really bad that I don’t want to date you!”) are lies. They are things said to make situations less awkward or to maintain some semblance of a relationship with the person, just in case. Another assumption that needs to get tossed is that just because someone has sex with you that must mean they’re attracted to you. They might find you physically appealing. Or they might not.
Something else you have to accept should you continue down this path with this guy or others is that they assume you’re always down to fuck. Or DTF as the kids say. That doesn’t mean they think you’re a slut in the negative sense, though some will think that. It means they think you’re open to having sex with little effort on their part. So if you need that extra effort and attention in order to feel okay with casually sleeping with men, then you probably shouldn’t be casually sleeping with those particular guys. If you want to have sex to have sex, go for it. Just don’t have sex thinking it will lead to more. As long as you offer it, a guy will take it. He will also say and do all kinds of things just to make sure the sex stays available to him. Take all the compliments and dinners and what have you and just enjoy them without thinking they mean something. In casual situations like this, they don’t mean much.
The main thing you need to understand is that at any time this arrangement could end. Like, out of the blue. As I said earlier, I do what I can to avoid getting casually involved with any guy who presents himself as this kind of liability. I don’t want to deal with that. No matter how detached and understanding of the “rules” you are, it still stings when someone jumps ship and blind sides you with the news.