You Just Might End Up Alone. And That’s Okay.

Name: Kelly
Comment: I am at my wits end.  I am in my early 50’s and I can’t meet a man. I have tried the online thing and it hasn’t madonnaquoteworked.  I have a guy I’ve been friends with, but he only sees me as a friend.  We have even gone away together a few times, but nothing has happened.  I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.  How else are people meeting and connecting?
Age: 51
City: Pittsburgh
State: Pa

So, I’m not sure this is really what you want to hear but…maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you won’t meet anybody?

I know that someone who does what I do isn’t supposed to say that. We’re supposed to spout trite sayings like,”It’ll happen when you least expect it!” or “There’s a lid for every pot!” You know what? Those are placebos. They’re fake bits of wisdom meant to encourage you and keep you on the path to finding love. I’m not saying you should give up completely. But I am saying that it’s time for you to reconcile with this fear you have of ending up alone. Because more than likely, one way or another, you will.

There just comes a point where a man or woman has to accept that their chances of finding happily ever after are diminishing. Rather than channeling all those energies into finding a partner, something over which you have very little control, why not focus on cultivating a life that makes you happy and make dating second or even third on the list?

All that stuff we heard in our twenties and event thirties about the right person coming along when we weren’t looking? It was just filler. It was said to us to be kind. As  a result, we grow up believing that settling down and coupling up is some kind of birth right and that it will eventually happen. As a result you have men and women feeling like a gun is being held to their head forcing them to pick a partner. And if we don’t ever find someone, well then we must be damaged goods or broken or whatever. Yes, in some cases, that’s true. Some people shoot themselves in the foot time and again and wind up alone. Other people just choose not to make it a priority. Just the thought of running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about landing a man has me exhausted.

You want to hear me say you should try wine tastings and Meetup groups? Okay. Try wine tastings and Meetup groups. To be honest, questions like, “Where can I go to meet men?” also tire me. You can meet a man anywhere. You can walk down the street and meet a man. You can go grocery shopping and meet a man. They’re everywhere. If you’ve tried various avenues to find a man and nothing is working, then it’s time for some introspection. Something isn’t working. I can’t tell you what it is because I don’t know you. Having me list out all the ways you can meet men isn’t going to do anything if the problem lies with you. Maybe you’re expectations are out of whack. Maybe you shoot out of your league. I don’t know. A post on a blog is not going to fix the problem.

Do you know why you’re coming to me? It’s the same reason why I’d guess half of the men and women who write to me do: confirmation bias. You want me to tell you what you want to hear. I just can’t do that. I would guess that confirmation bias is one of the leading reasons why so many men and women who seek long term commitment end up 40 or older and single. All their lives they’ve heard the same things over and over again. Their belief systems have been reinforced by perpetually listening to or  being told the same thing day in and day out. You really want to make a change, OP? Get out of what ever vacuum you exist in and start fresh. This goes for everybody. Cut out all the people and places and ways you hear about how hard dating is and how awful men and women are and how this doesn’t work and that doesn’t work. Tune. It. Out. Because if you truly make finding a relationship a priority and you develop your own belief system based solely on your experiences and your experiences alone, your opportunities will increase ten fold.

OP, It’s time for you to get comfortable with it being just you, because that may be how it turns out. Until you’re okay with that possibility, you will continue to struggle.  Maybe that’s the real issue, the one getting in your way.

That is the only bit of wisdom I can impart to you that I feel has value.

 

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36 Responses to “You Just Might End Up Alone. And That’s Okay.”

  1. bugz Says:

    It’s better to be alone than to live with a psychopath. Trust me.

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  2. coffeestop Says:

    I can relate to the LW because I am in the same age range and divorced. I am not quite as frustrated only because I have things going on in my life that have made me put dating lower on the priority list. However, I am not quite as serene as Moxie about being alone for the rest of my life. So I am stuck between the two and working on accepting the reality. It is not an easy place to travel to. I am not sure we all think finding “the one” is our birthright so much as most humans desire some level of reliable and fulfilling companionship that involves our version of love, sex, and a sense that somebody out there “gets us”. Or maybe I just said what Moxie did. I don’t know. Or maybe my version of a spouse/partner is just mine. Some of us end up far from family and old friends and that sense of being alone is intensified. I actually think my ex husband was one of those people who felt there was a societal gun to his head to get married and I just happened to be there when he got tired of it.

    Anyway sister, I feel ya but Moxie is right. Better to enjoy the life you have and explore a few things you put on the shelf rather than mourn a notion of romance that doesn’t really fit now. I would be interested to know from Moxie how long it took for her to arrive at her conclusion and whether it was an epiphany or it came gradually. I will say it is annoying when married friends say “Oh being alone is better than being in a bad relationship”. Yes, that is true but being alone is not as satisfying as being in a good relationship. Having said that I imagine lots of men and women would have a greater sense of contentment if they did not torture themselves about being older and single.

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  3. Ken Besig Says:

    Your advice is honest and practical and this woman will still want a male companion for herself for her remaining years. That is just how it is, women are hard wired to want a mate, as are men. That desire is always with us no matter how unrealistic our chances are of fulfilling it. The hurt, emptiness, and physical anguish that accompany being alone and lonely are very real and lifelong and very hard to live with. I wish this woman well and I hope that she finds someone.

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  4. Gem Says:

    Its Ironic to see an article on giving up coming from a company that hosts speed dating events. I don’t believe anyone should give up on their dreams of meeting someone. As long as you want it, continue the search! Crazier things have happened than finding a mate at 51yo. In fact Im sure it happens all the time! This is 2013 and people are known to date in their 50s.

    Kris is right that its important to feel good by yourself, as not doing so can make you exude needy and desperate vibes that will turn off potential mates. But that doesn’t mean you give up and stop searching. It means incorporating dating into your life and to keep going while staying centered in who you are.

    The important thing is to make increased exposure to the opposite sex a natural and constant part of your life: to have a process and focus on working it. To take rejection and failure in stride and to continue past it until you find what you’re after.

    Some popular methods of meeting people are below. These work for almost any age.

    -speed dating
    -singles clubs
    -social and lifestyle events
    -common interest groups
    -through friends
    -online (have you tried all the sites?)
    -through work
    -serendipitously throughout your life if you’re open and sending the right signals

    Additionally you may have some personality quirks that are turning men off.
    -get feedback from your guy friend(s) about becoming more attractive and talk to him about why nothing happened between you two
    -Get advice from your girlfriends
    -Try therapy
    -A dating coach who actually helps you get out there instead of telling you that you should resign yourself to ending ip alone
    – Dating workshops and support groups
    – Read good books about dating and courtship. Anything from The Rules, Art of Seduction, to how to books on online dating. The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Online Dating by Dale Koppel is excellent.

    You can also do things to be more attractive and seductive to the opposite sex.
    -get in shape
    -better beauty skills (hair, makeup, dress…)
    -develop a more attractive personality

    Attractive personality might mean:
    -Being more outgoing
    -Sense of humor
    -Being more direct and open, sending signals
    -Being more seductive
    -Learning to relax around men
    -Being good at connecting
    -Taking an interest in men and helping them open up

    Keep searching and don’t ever give up. You might be surprised to find just how much there really is out there for you!

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Here’s what you didn’t say, which just proves you’re a woman who personalized this post.

      You didn’t suggest that she move. Or that she date guy’s in their 60’s. Or anything that could even imply that she compromise or settle. The real truth is that not everybody will end up with somebody. Sorry if that puts a crimp in your life plan. Living your life wondering when it’s going to happen implies that you expect it to happen, which is the crux of the problem. For some, it’s just not. That’s reality.

      Let’s just say what this whole “I don’t want to end up alone” fear is mostly about. Money. I don’t want to end up alone is a PC way to say, “How will I support myself?”

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      • coffeestop Says:

        I am personalizing when I say I don’t think older women worried about being alone is about money. I am self supporting, I was before marriage and am post divorce. Among my long term friends who are divorced or never married we are not all wealthy but able to pay the bills and save a bit. Isn’t the ability to hold a job and manage finances a basic adult function? If you can’t do that you probably shouldn’t be worried about dating anyway.

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        • Yvonne Says:

          Plenty of younger people partner up or even get married because they “don’t want to end up alone”. Some of them are less used to being on their own and self-supporting than us middle-aged folk.

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          • coffeestop Says:

            Agreed. I was just making the point that financial stability is not the major motivator in pairing up or even being worried about being alone. There are way too many variances in the economy to be sure of that or to use that as a primary tactic. You can have a great job one day and the next it is outsourced to a cheaper global location.Even people who plan their careers very carefully can be subject to the whims of modern capitalism.

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      • Chianti-Z Says:

        I think it’s sad that you would assume that someone doesn’t want to grow old alone due to finances. What about love? Why would I want to do everything alone well into old age? I’m a divorced mother of two and look forward to grandkids, but I’ll be damned if I have to spend my golden years alone. I am doing ok financially but still dream of meeting my lifemate although it is not a priority at this time.

        Money and financial security is easy. Someone who understands you and to share a life with, not so easy.

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      • julie Says:

        Agree with coffeestop. There are many reasons why people wouldnt want to end up alone. Ending up alone never worried me until I got very sick a few years back and wondered if i might go into a coma with no one around to intervene and take me to the hospital.

        A couple of years later, a 57 year old single friend died in just that way. He was a lifelong bachelor who had just broken up with his live in girlfriend of 4 years. He took a nap in the middle of the day he never woke up from. Did he struggle? Was he in pain? What if someone had been there with him, lying next to him, would he be alive today?

        I’m happy to live alone as long as I have my health. Hell, whats not to like? I do whatever I want whenever I want with no one to answer to, I have no responsibilities, and i dont have to worry about someone mismanaging my money. But I dont want to wind up like Bruce. 57. Alone. Gasping for air.

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        • Gina Says:

          Many years ago, I remember waking up one evening around 2 a.m. with chest pains. I woke up my ex-husband, who was lying next to me, and told him that I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. He stated that he was trying to sleep because he had to get up early and go to work in the morning, and did not feel like taking me to the hospital.

          I did not feel as though I needed an ambulance, nor I did not feel like I should ignore the pain either. So I ended up drving myself to the hospital emergency room. After undergoing an EKG, to my relief, the results came back negative.

          My point is that just because you have someone does not mean that they will be there for you if and when you need them.

          I live alone and if I have any emergency in the middle of the night, I keep my phone by the bed so that I can dial 911. There is a fire station right down the street and they can get to my home in a few short minutes. If I get sick and need someone to come and see about me, I will ask my fellow church members for assistance.

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      • Phil Says:

        Interesting reply, Moxie. Move? Allow me to betray how little I know about women: a woman would move to a different city to meet a guy? Literally to meet a guy and not to accommodate a guy she is already involved with? I don’t get that.

        I can see a person moving from Pittsburgh to NYC in his or her 20s or even early 30s for a chance at fame, fortune, or the experience–oh and maybe I’ll meet someone there.

        Unless someone has more money than they know what to do with or has a career prospect that pays at least half a million, I can’t see a person in his or her late thirties or older moving to a big, expensive city from a small, affordable one like Pittsburgh to meet a new partner.

        To me that screams desperation. The kind of desperation that men all over, even in Pittsburgh, run from. The kind of desperation that I’ll bet Kelly, the OP, stinks of as she scares off the Pittsburgh guys and will use to scare off guys in bigger cities.

        .

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        • Julie Says:

          Well, in fairness, we dont know whats going wrong for Kelly. Is she reaking of desparation or does she just need to lose some weight or maybe change the way she dresses or is she missing social cues or a dozen other problems that she could easily correct.

          I agree in part. If she moves and the reason she is not meeting men is something internal, she will likely have similar problems somewhere else except she will lose her social circle by moving. On the flip side, moving to find love is “sad and desparate” until it works at which point it becomes “a really funny how we met story”. There are no rules.

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      • Margaret Says:

        I am a woman of 52, and I do NOT want to date men in their 60s. Most already have way too many health problems and do not have their own teeth. The ones who are in good shape want to date 15-25 years younger.

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      • Dr.Dee Says:

        I’m 47, Black, educated (Ph.D.), tenured professor, fit, and look about 38. I’m well-dressed (classic), and men give me compliments and smiles all the time. So, why am I single? Chemistry and compatibility are real issues for many people, and I am no exception. I could date men I’m not attracted to or be alone. Those are my options. The issue is not money. The issue is finding someone I want who also wants me. Also, race plays a role, though women of all races experience difficulty in finding partners. It’s been quantified that Black women often struggle more than any other group of women when it comes to finding partners who they want and who want them. I’m not moaning and playing the race card or expressing self pity. I am simply pointing out a fact of living in a society in which race matters.

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  5. Kerrie Says:

    I totally agree with Moxie — it is so important to accept that it really is okay to be alone.

    I spent my 20s and a big part of my 30s chasing the elusive relationship. I did online dating, speed dating, workshops (with Moxie!), etc. I had little success, and my “quest” required so much energy. One day, I weighed my situation and realized that it was so much less stressful to enjoy the time I had to myself rather than waste time looking for someone else. I decided I just didn’t need the aggravation anymore. My friends encouraged me not to “quit”, but I didn’t see it that way. I just chose me instead.

    And it was wonderful. I did all sorts of things that I hadn’t allowed myself time to do before. My new mindset gave me the free brain space to discover what it was I actually wanted to be when I grew up. I decided to change careers and go back to school, a decision that required me to move from Manhattan back to the small town in Pennsylvania where I grew up. My prior self would have screamed, “But I’ll never meet anyone in the sticks! I’ll be so bored and lonely!” But the new me embraced it, because I knew I could still do all the things I loved anywhere. I’ve now been living back home in PA for about 3.5 years and am really enjoying school and the choices I’ve made.

    Ironically, when I moved back home, I reconnected with a guy friend who I’d briefly dated in high school. We’ve been dating since then and are engaged to be married. I think what makes our relationship so strong is that both of us were completely content being absolutely alone; we laugh together that if (god forbid) anything ever happened to us or our relationship, neither of us could be bothered to ever date again. We are in this relationship because we see it as a wonderful bonus to our already full lives. Each of us is in this relationship because we value the other person specifically for who they are, not just because they are a husband, wife, or partner.

    That doesn’t happen to everyone; it might not happen for the OP. But I think as people mature it gets easier to accept who you are and just enjoy it. That way, you are always happy and content, regardless of your relationship status. I wish the OP happiness and self-acceptance in whatever form it comes!

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    • Margaret Says:

      Kerrie:

      Love your story and attitude. It is where I am now. Great that you found love, but you also recognize it does not always happen for everyone, regardless of how wonderful we are. Congratulations!

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  6. D. Says:

    Moxie offers some fantastic advice here. It may be tempting to write it off, but really take a close look at it and stop and think about what she’s saying.

    Here’s my theory. That line about “You find it when you aren’t looking”? Yeah, it’s pithy, and annoying, and often times is fucking bullshit. Particularly for someone who’s inclined to “look” in the first place. I actually think, however, that the advice misses the point. It’s not about whether you are or aren’t looking. It’s about whether you’re happy with what you have, and the rest is just gravy.

    When you’re “looking” in the sense of relentlessly pursuing and desperately hoping to find something lasting and meaningful, etc., it is all too easy to come across with a certain kind of energy. It’s not exactly desperation. That would imply that you leap at any opportunity, just to have a warm body next to you, or that you settle for being miserable with someone as long as you’re with someone. Rather, I think it’s this level of intensity that can be really off-putting to people. You still reject the people who don’t interest you (ergo, not really desperate), but when you DO find someone you like, it’s like you’re boring holes into them with the intensity of your gaze. It’s not relaxed, it’s not calm, it’s not collected. It’s INTENSE. Put simply, that scares the SHIT out of people, and I’ve learned this fact the hard way.

    What helped, at least in my case, was a few things. First, accepting that whatever your idealized vision of the future may be…it may not come to pass…and then getting comfortable with that. Really accepting it and recognizing that you can still have a great life in spite of it. Second, instead of treating dating as a means to an end (that end being “happily ever after” in whatever form that takes for you), treat it as an end in and of itself, or set the endgoal to be a really easy one to reach. Namely “Tonight, I’m going to have a fun night. The end.” And if you hit a point where dating stops being fun, take a break and focus on other things you enjoy. When you’ve let go of the notion of “Must be coupled by XYZ age,” it (A) makes dating a hell of a lot more enjoyable as an activity, and (B) takes a LOT of the pressure off and lets you enjoy your life as a whole.

    The end result to this can be that you wind up feeling happier across the board, as well as WAY more relaxed with dating. This can make you a more fun date, too. More importantly, though, you can just end up in a generally happier place where life as a whole is more enjoyable because the pressure is off. I think that, when you can reach that state of mind, you’re still not guaranteed to find what you want, but the great news is that you’re ok with it if you don’t, and if you do, you’re in a much better place overall for it to happen.

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  7. meh Says:

    “You can meet a man anywhere. You can walk down the street and meet a man. You can go grocery shopping and meet a man. They’re everywhere.”

    we are everywhere. literally everywhere. don’t tell me you can’t meet a man, all you have to do is smile at one. smile at 10 of them. don’t let a day go by where you don’t smile at a decent looking man. i said decent not handsome.

    but women, even at 51, are still looking for the perfect man. he doesn’t exist. you are not perfect either Kelly. and that’s ok because none of us are. it’s time to settle. it’s time to lower your standards. we all do it. and each day that goes by means we will have to lower them even more. we all have to do it. men & women.

    you can settle or you can keep looking for your perfect unicorn & be alone. it’s your choice.

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    • blue Says:

      wow what a reply???? lmaooo…sure just lower your standards why don’t ya….give up on life…that’s sound advice…..lmaooo….keep hope alive Kells…Keep hope alive!

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      • mindstar Says:

        No one is telling the OP to give up on life. However since she has NOT been successful with her previous dating practices changing them, which can include removing certain “must haves” from her wish list, is sound advice.

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    • Julie Says:

      Umh yeah, settle, lower your standards, and save up for that divorce attorney you’re going to need in 5-10 years. I have a problem with settling, lowering, settling and lowering your standards some more. If you arent genuinely excited about the man (or woman) you are with, whats going to get you through the tough times? The reminder that the alternatives are worse?

      A year ago, I had a chance to lower and settle. I had a man tell me he wanted to marry me. He was a good man whom I had dated off and on for 2 years but never felt he was right for me although we had a good relationship and were the best of friends (and still are). I thought long and hard as I knew it was probably my last chance at a family and still said “no”. I’m sooo glad that I did as I’m so much happier alone rather than feeling every day that I’m with the wrong person living the wrong life and struggling to get turned on at the sight of him. And I’m so happy that since our breakup, he had the opportunity to meet the woman of his dreams who just thinks he is the greatest guy ever and goes out of her way to show him how much she appreciates him rather then be with someone like me who was “settling” and treating him as such.

      Dont settle….and dont be settled for. Lifes too damn short and divorce is too damn painful.

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    • Margaret Says:

      Really? Settle? When so many men in their 50s look like sh*t? NO thanks. That is a recipe for misery. For what it is worth, I think Lori Gottlieb’s book was good for women in their 20s and 30s who are desperate to join the diaper brigade. The rest of us? Not so much.

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  8. Yvonne Says:

    I’m in the OP’s age range also, so I can relate. No one has mentioned the obstacles to dating at this age; the fact that there are more unmarried men than women, that middle-aged men – even in their sixties – seek out younger partners, that many of the supposedly available men are emotionally unavailable or screwed up. It DOES NOT mean you’re looking for perfection. My advice is to take a break from dating. Don’t give up entirely, but take some time to focus on yourself, your work, your family, and your friends. Then get back in the game. I truly do believe that “it ain’t over til it’s over.”

    I have friends who’ve given up on dating, and that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. They avoid the pain of dating and rejection, but they also ensure they’ll never meet anyone. I know a 58 year old woman engaged to a 66 year old man she met through friends. Neither one has ever been married before and they’re really happy. Gloria Steinem married for the first time at 66. Maybe you don’t care about marriage, but just want a steady guy – don’t let anyone tell you it can’t happen. Know that it MIGHT not, but don’t let that stop you from trying.

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  9. James Says:

    I am going to put 2 cents in on this subject….
    Online dating just does not work for me. Why? Because I feel most women on there have too high of standards that most men will never meet. Women have this thing that they think they will find the perfect man online…NOT…. just like there is no perfect women.
    I also will not jump through hoops or whatever other stupid things women make men do just to get a date.
    So online dating and I have parted ways. I can find enough flakes and weirdos at my local bar without all the drama associated with online dating.
    I make it a point to say hello to every woman I meet during my day. It works wonders. Because you never know who you are going to meet. It’s part of my therapy to get over my trust and anger issues I’ve had towards women for a while thanks to my failed marriage and a crazy ex wife and ex girlfriend.
    So I take it day by day….I’m not desperate or longing for a woman. If it happens it happens.
    I have accepted the fact that I may very well be alone, for a long time or the rest of my life. And I made peace with that. It’s cool.
    One thing I love about being single is that I can do what I want when I want.
    I can date anyone I want. If pickings get slim love is always available for rent. LOL but that’s the truth.
    It used to depress me when I had no luck with dating. But now that I made peace with a possible reality of being alone it does not bother me anymore.
    Society pressures us to form relationships. People like me do not form relationships easily. So I would rather be alone than be with some nutty woman who thinks all men cheat and lie and is clingy and just plain weird.

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  10. mari Says:

    I am the OP’s age. It is unclear why she isn’t finding anyone to date? Maybe everyone is married in Pittsburg but that seems impossible. Maybe she doesn’t want to date someone 8 years older? Not sure, but I have been dating on and off since I became single at 44 – and it is definitely possible to date. People have “stuff” have lived life, aren’t perfect etc. but neither am I. Also, totally agree that you need to date because it is fun/you are out of your house/out with an adult, learn something new, go to a new bar for a drink, see that movie with someone else..going into this with the “is he the One” and I have to meet the One is going to be a huge turnoff. Make yourself desirable (clothing, fitness, personality) and then go have fun..and don’t go out with a gaggle of single girl friends. But DO have gf’s that you see without intention of meeting any guys.

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  11. chillybeans Says:

    Even if you find “the one”, unless you both die at the same time, one of you will be alone (again) and that time will be a lot easier for you if you can be happy on your own.Making your life enjoyable as it is, with or without someone, is key.
    When I got divorced I had to consider that I would not find someone again (divorced single mom with two kids, not exactly the height of the dating food chain) and I was okay with that. I preferred that to being miserable married, but I know people who have stayed in marriages that have made them deeply unhappy.

    I’m glad I took over two years before I even attempted dating again, it made me more confident being on my own, and losing that desperate needy vibe.

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    • James Says:

      LOL I’m a divorced single father, with 2 kids, the rock bottom of the dating food chain. But it’s a lot better than being married to a weak minded, drug addicted religious nut.
      I actually like dating single mom’s with kids as they tend to be more stable and are usually more sympathetic towards single dads. So long as they make time for dating and make time for me. There were several I dated who were too into their kids and I did not not have a chance. They were not ready to date.
      And I actually liked them. But their priorities were elsewhere so it was usually over before it even started.

      Single women with no kids are a different story. Some don’t mind. Some can’t be bothered and some are hostile towards the fact. Keep in mind that I have yet to introduce my kids to any GF I have had. It takes me awhile before I’m sure it’s going to work out and it usually does not.

      So I just move on with my life, do the best I can raising my 2 (they are not small anymore 12 and 15) and accepting of the fact that I may be alone.

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  12. marie Says:

    You sound frustrated with dating and a little upset with men at the moment. To be honest, it’s okay for you to feel that way, just don’t stay there. I think Moxie shares many valid points. One way to work through this disappointment in something not coming to fruition is to focus your energies on something that actually can.

    I have put serious effort into making plans for my future as a single person and plans for my life as a non-single person. In my single-life version, I’m able to do quite a bit more, have adventures and my time is my own. As a married person, and particularly the version with children, the reality is completely different and dare I say it, somewhat scary. I don’t think either possible path is superior, but I guess what’s important is realizing you can create a beautiful life for yourself, either way.

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  13. Ian C Says:

    I’m in the same age bracket, and have faced that question of will I ever meet someone. I waver between that ‘not wanting to be alone’ and ‘not wanting to settle’ thing and you’re right – that may mean we end up alone.

    The OP doesn’t say how long she’s been alone and that I think is relevant. There’s a huge difference between some who’s been married for 20 yrs and is recently single – it can truly be very daunting to get back into the dating world and not everyone wants to use dating sites or rely on friends to fix them up. The chances of bumping into someone in your normal day to day life are almost non-existent. I can say with experience that even striking up a conversation with a stranger can be so intimidating as to appear impossible.

    On the other hand, if the OP has been single for a long long time and hasn’t been able to find anybody then maybe it means they do need to step back and re-examine their motives and their mindset. We can so easily become our own biggest obstacle if we let our own insecurities (who would want to date me anyway) or become to concerned that our chances are running out (that 50 barrier was a killer wasn’t it?).

    I’m 54, I’m constantly rethinking myself and examining what’s really important to me. If I’m still looking at 64 – well I’ll still be looking. No-one needs to resign themselves to being along when they still may have decades ahead.

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  14. Robyn Says:

    The OP needs to face the reality that even if she does find a husband, the chances are that she will outlive him – and then she will be “alone” again.
    So it would be a pretty good idea to get some level of comfort with “being alone” (without a husband/significant other/live-in partner).

    Out of curiosity, I looked up the CDC tables on life expectancies (published in 2012).
    On average, in 2008 (when the stats were gathered):
    95% of white men survive to age 45, 90% survive to age 55 and 80% survive to age 65. 50% make it to age 80.
    95% of white women survive to age 54, 90% survive to age 64 and 80% survive to age 73. 50% make it to age 85.

    So if the OP wants to be 90% sure of having a husband at her side when she’s 73, that means she needs a fella that will be 55 when she is 73. If she’s OK with 80% odds, then he’d need to be 65 to her 73. If she’s OK with 50% odds, then a man her age or up to 7 years older than her would work.

    i.e. Unless she finds a man who is significantly younger than her, she would most definitely outlive her husband by several years.

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  15. BostonRobin Says:

    Here’s another plus to not worrying if you end up alone: when/if you do end up in a relationship, you won’t be afraid to walk away if it turns out to be unhealthy. Desperation keeps a lot of people in bad relationships longer than they might have stayed if they weren’t afraid to be alone.

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