The Savvy Dater – Why You Should Lie About Your Relationship Experience

Name: Diana5confused
Comment: I met a guy online recently and he seemed really in to me, texting everyday, we skyped a few times because he lives out of state. I went to a concert one night and he said it sounded fun and he wished he was here, i sent him a couple of pics of me and my friends at the concert and we text a little while i was there. He didnt call or text the next day so i assumed he thought i was coming on too strong so i thanked him for the great two weeks and was planning on ending it. he text me and we started to communicate again, i told him i hadnt been out on a date or with a man in a couple of years and wasnt too up to date with the whole dating scene. he said well we definitley have a connection so we can take it day by day we text a little after that but things seem forced and he hasnt called or text in a couple of days? did i blow it by acting anxious or gave too much info too fast. I just feel confused because he was the one coming on so strong and then as soon as i reciprocated he bounced.
Age: 42
City: Slc
State: Utah

 

 

I’ve addressed the out of state suitor issue several times so I’m not going to do a retread of that. In a nutshell, people from out of state or out of the country that contact you are scammers, people with no/low options likely due to a personality or aesthetic limitation, or just looking for phone/skype sex or attention. It doesn’t surprise me to hear that you’re out of touch with the current dating landscape, as those are exactly the types of people that end up being targets. If you mention anything alluding to your lack of experience or naivete in your profile, remove it.

There was nothing to blow here. He never had any intention of taking things beyond texting and phone calls. You were his imaginary girlfriend. Someone to talk to. You possibly could have been someone to scam. But you probably were never seriously considered girlfriend material. That’s got little to do with you. That has to do with him and what his real motivations were.

Now that we cleared that up, let’s talk about your admission to him that you hadn’t been on a date in two years. Don’t do that. Ever. That goes for men and women equally. Do not ever say anything that even hints at your inability to attract someone. If someone asks you when your last relationship or sexual experience was, and it was several months or years ago, then lie. Lie your god damn face off.  Be vague. You don’t have to create a whole back story. Just say something simple and nondescript. People who ask such questions reveal their own inexperience. Trust me, nobody wants to hear the truth. They don’t want to know that you haven’t had sex in God knows how long, because the very next question will be, “Why?” Yes, why? That’s the mood and momentum killer. Why has nobody wanted to have sex with you? Why have you not been able to have sex? What is wrong with you? That’s what they will be wondering.

The funny thing is, no matter how a man or woman answers that question, they’re pretty much screwed. Say you broke up with someone a few months ago and you’ll be deemed a liability. Say you haven’t dated much in over a year and you’ll be perceived as some kind of social leper. No matter how you slice it, you’ll be opening up a can of worms.

If you’re asked questions about a break up, that is not an invitation to divulge the true reasons why you split with your spouse or moved out of that condo you bought with your Boo. Taken at face value, it closely resembles a genuine inquiry. In most cases it’s a test to see if you a) bad mouth your Ex b) foolishly admit to causing the break up or c) are really over it and ready to date.

On those first few dates, you want to keep your answers and revelations to things that don’t leave much room for interpretation. Just by asking personal questions about your past, those people are letting you know of their own social inadequacies. Give those people the slightest thing to chew on and they will find a reason to reject you.

For all the moralizers out there who clutch their pearls at the idea of lying, this is for you.

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36 Responses to “The Savvy Dater – Why You Should Lie About Your Relationship Experience”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    >The funny thing is, no matter how a man or woman answers that question, they’re pretty much screwed. Say you broke up with someone a few months ago and you’ll be deemed a liability. Say you haven’t dated much in over a year and you’ll be perceived as some kind of social leper. No matter how you slice it, you’ll be opening up a can of worms.<

    Good point. I don't see dodging that particular question as "lie your God damn face off" so much as "evade your God damn face off."

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  2. Chloe Says:

    How do other people ‘evade’ this question? Genuinely interested.

    I divorced 5 years ago, have had one long term partner since, that ended 12 months ago, had a passionate 3 month fling after that, joined Match in January and have been dating for 8 months, a few second and 3rd dates and slept with a couple of them but nothing special, probably faded myself as much as I’ve been faded on, happy with life at the moment, told by the last date that I am ‘unrescuable’ as I come across as not needing a man (I have heard this before from a guy I dated earlier in the year), but still would like that special someone to date long term and develop into a relationship.

    Please tell me how I can condense that into an answer that doesn’t make me sound ‘needy/flakey/undesirable/unrescuable’?

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I guess the key is to keep it brief and give a positive spin. “The last year or so I dated a few people here and there, but nothing really clicked.” I assume the lie/evade advice is for the first or second date and that you can “let your hair down” and tell it like it is when you’re in an actual relationship (no, I don’t consider three dates “a relationship,” just throwing out ballpark figures).

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    • D. Says:

      Um…I’m not sure why that’d require an “answer’ at all. I’m not even sure what the question would be that would require a “Here’s my recent dating history” answer. Is it “So why are you still single?” If so, that’s a terrible question which deserves an equally terrible answer like “Why’s anyone single? I haven’t met anyone I’d want to get serious with.” So, outside of just gradually revealing your back story over time, I don’t really see a situation where that whole litany would even need to be said. That’s the kind of stuff that might come out gradually over the course of a couple weeks or even months, not all at once on date 2 or earlier.

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    • wishing u well Says:

      “told by the last date that I am ‘unrescuable’ as I come across as not needing a man (I have heard this before from a guy I dated earlier in the year)”

      Be glad that the “rescuing” dude left. You didn’t ask for him to be Superman to your Lois Lane. Often “rescuers” have their own motives. Frankly – your back story seems normal. You don’t “owe” anyone an explanation. Heck, flirt your way out of it – “Well, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now with you, now would I?” or something along those lines.

      The older we get, the longer our dating history. A person who isn’t willing to accept that at this stage in the game is one best avoided.

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  3. Mark Says:

    Moxie’s idea is a pretty good one.

    Still, another is simply to say that you are over your last relationship and are ready to date again. No need to be specific. If pressed about how long ago it was, simply add “long enough.” If still pressed for specifics merely point out that you are on a date with them now. If they don’t accept that for what it is then that’s not your problem.

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    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      IDK, “long enough” could come off defensive depending on tone.

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      • mindstar Says:

        True but at least the evasion is better than outright lies. Sadly there seems to be a lot of posts lately where lying is not only condoned but approved. We had one a few days ago where lying about age, weight or height was encouraged. What’s next lying about the number of children or your academic background is OK too?

        And how can you get to know a person if you don’t ask personal questions about their past? You don’t have to be giving them the conversational equivalent of water boarding but you should be able to ask about their life and how they got to where they are today. Hell if you’re on a date and you don’t ask personal questions I’d bet a lot of women would say you failed to display any interest in them.

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        • PhillyGal Says:

          Here’s the thing…there is a sliding scale when it comes to “lying.” Fudging your age by a couple of years is a much smaller offense than saying you have no children when you actually do. Recently, I went out with a guy who didn’t click “Divorced” as his status and, instead, ticked “Single.” He told me upfront that he didn’t want to be seen as a liability before even meeting and I totally get it. Hell I’m thinking of dropping my OkC age from 33 to 31 in hopes it will keep the late 40s and 50+ men away.

          Sometimes a white lie is necessary…especiallynin this world of online dating. Obviously, Catfishing is a COMPLETELY different can of worms.

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          • mindstar Says:

            Actually dropping your age will likely encourage more of the late 40s and 50s men to target you. Some of them like em young.

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          • John Says:

            “Hell I’m thinking of dropping my OkC age from 33 to 31 in hopes it will keep the late 40s and 50+ men away.”

            You are already considering fudging your age at the ripe old age of 33? I hope you are just being facetious because that’s pretty desperate.

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            • PhillyGal Says:

              I am primarily being facetious, but a MASSIVE amount of older guys started messaging me when my age clicked up to 33. I have no problem with my age, but I’m assuming 33 is at the low end of these guys searches which is why I’ve hit their radar all of a sudden. I still get messages from men in my range…its just annoying.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          >And how can you get to know a person if you don’t ask personal questions about their past?<

          True. The analogy I always use, which I mentioned in a recent post that got deleted for some reason, is to treat your "baggage" (past relationships, family drama, etc.) like a file folder on your desk. Acknowledge that it's there but don't rifle through it and discuss the contents on first meeting. Slowly reveal a few things as the relationship progresses and they prove themselves to be a keeper.

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    • Mark Says:

      Valid points.

      Still, consider this:

      Anyone can be asked about anything. That person can respond by saying anything. Anything.

      Weather what they say is true or not is true or not is open to question. They may not even intentionally by lying. They might even legitimately believe what they are saying but in fact are simply deceiving themselves because they honestly believe something to be true.

      In the situation given, someone may be out of a relationship for a very short time and be totally over the person. Others may have left quite some time ago but still are damaged goods. The calendar may not be a good indicator of being emotionally, spiritually, financially or physically ready to move on and forward.

      The point is simple: As with many things, let the actions of the person speak for themselves. In the final analysis, what better way to judge and to be judged?

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  4. meh Says:

    the advice to lie is only applicable for short term / casual dating.

    being vague & evasive is fine but don’t lie. lying is terrible advice if you hope to have a future with someone. if you want a long term relationship eventually the truth will come out & they will know you are a liar.

    and asking questions about someone’s past is the only way to get to know someone. someone who doesn’t ask questions doesn’t care about a future with you. they see you as only a temporary relationship, so they don’t care about getting to know you.

    if someone is asking you these questions it’s because the answer matters. yes, the next question is “why?” you may not have to tell that person “why” early on but you should know for own growth as a person the answer to “why?” if not you will just keep making the same mistakes in every relationship. and eventually they will ask again and you should be able to answer that question.

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  5. diana Says:

    Thank you for your answer. I had suspected he was trying to get skype/phone sex out of me. Im glad I didn’t take it that far. Thanks again. I got this now. ha ha.

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  6. Andrew Says:

    I think Moxie makes a valid point for one very simple reason – people judge. Unfortunately, they’re looking for reasons to disqualify you early on. It’s a survival tactic. Navigating the online dating pool is tricky and people need to protect themselves.

    Haven’t been on a date in two years?…. Why is that?
    You’re over 40 and never been married or engaged?…. Why is that?
    Never been in a serious/long term relationship…Why is that?
    you’ve been on OK Cupid of Match over two years? ….Why is that?

    The marriage/engaged question question can’t be fudged but the answers to the other questions are nobody’s business. Anyone who insists on making them their business is someone you should consider disqualifying in your own screening process.

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    • meh Says:

      “Haven’t been on a date in two years?…. Why is that?
      You’re over 40 and never been married or engaged?…. Why is that?
      Never been in a serious/long term relationship…Why is that?
      you’ve been on OK Cupid of Match over two years? ….Why is that? “

      but those are valid questions.

      obviously something is wrong with that person and if they don’t know what it is, they haven’t really done any self-reflection.

      and if they haven’t done that, then they certainly aren’t trying to better themselves.

      who wants to date someone who always blames others or doesn’t try to improve as a human? if they can’t identify the problem how are they going to fix it? who wants to date a person that is oblivious to their own faults?

      fyi question #2 applies to me.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        They’re valid questions to ask yourself and rude questions to ask someone else on a date.

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        • meh Says:

          yes, it’s rude to try to find out what’s wrong with someone. it’s much better to pretend that everyone is perfect and ignore any red flags. ignorance is bliss.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Of course you should gather information and heed any red flags you find, but do so politely. You’re there to have a good time and it’s not a police interrogation. “Never been married? Why is that?” is really blunt. You sound like you have a bad attitude right out of the gate when you phrase it as “finding out what’s wrong with someone” rather than “getting to know someone.”

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      • JulesP Says:

        I agree – these are very much valid questions. They may be asked in a far more diplomatic tone but they are absolutely valid. If you have hit your 40’s and answer positively to Meh’s 4 questions, then you better have a damn good response!

        I don’t care if you’re 45 (or whatever) and single, what I do care about is knowing that you have experienced some manner of long term relationship.

        And if you really haven’t been on a date for two years then there obviously are reasons for that, and I will put neck on the line and state that those reasons lie only with you.

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        • Renaissance Says:

          These questions are valid but do not need to be asked during a first date. They put people in a defensive position and no one likes that. I only want to answer these questions when I have a good understanding with someone because there lie an awful lot of prejudices behind these questions. So what if you are over 40 and you were never married! There is no law that says that you have to get married. Would it be better if you have been married 3 times and have 5 children from your different husbands?

          If I look at the married people I know they are not better or more low maintenance than myself. On the contrary. I actually find a lot of married women very spoilt, like all these stay-at-home moms who once their kids are older have a rather easy life, still a considerable amount of them is depressed. I tell you this: as a single woman who has to take care of everything herself, I don’t even have time to be depressed.
          (for the record: I know depression is a very serious disease but some of the depressed married stay-at-home moms I know are not depressed but rather bored and boy, do they treat their husband as a slave).

          I think that if you take marriage very seriously, you are more hesitant to do it. I know that’s true for me.

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  7. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    >> The funny thing is, no matter how a man or woman answers that question, they’re pretty much screwed.

    And if you try to evade or non-answer then you are obviously hiding something horrible.

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  8. Yvonne Says:

    Lies matter most when they affect your ability to have a relationship, i.e., you are not divorced or single (but say you are), or have kids (but say you don’t). I find I can tolerate ONE minor fib from someone about age, or height, if the person seems honest otherwise. I understand that people are sensitive about certain issues. Also, knocking a few years off one’s age doesn’t bother me as much as the guys who knock 10 or 15 years off or use photos that old. However, once you get into “lied about his height”, AND is still seeing his “ex” girlfriend, then it starts to become a repetitive pattern for me and not a good sign.

    Personally, I’d rather hear that a man hasn’t dated much recently (as long as he has had relationship experience), than that he just got divorced. Also, judge not, lest ye be judged.

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  9. D. Says:

    As far as the whole issue of “lie vs. evade” goes, I generally think that lying is a mistake if you’re looking for anything that might become long-term. The odd fib here or there is probably fine, but not outright bullshitting someone about something serious (e.g., marital status).

    That said, the situation may be different when someone simply probes about an uncomfortable fact. Asking “So, why are you still single after all these years” is a tough question and almost any answer will be off-putting (much the same way that even asking the question can be off-putting to the person of whom it’s asked). But sometimes people ask it purely out of curiosity, so it doesn’t hurt to have a sort of rehearsed routine about addressing the issue. Assuming that there’s no “perfect” way to approach it once it’s been asked, I find just going for the “least bad” is effective, and making it seem like it’s not such a big deal is helpful, too.

    The real danger comes in when you get that look of terror that says “Oh shit….they asked…” That’s when it doesn’t matter what you say, the other person knows YOU think whatever the answer is is a big problem (or just whatever the subject of the question is). They know you’re uncomfortable, and either your answer is a horror story, or your answer is a front for a horror story that you’re unwilling to tell or elaborate on.

    I think with the OP, though, the problem is that she volunteered the information without any prompting. That’s when it’s happening out of pure insecurity. If the other person doesn’t ask, why bring it up?

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  10. Crista Renouard Says:

    Maybe I’m not adding this up right, but if people who ask a ton of personal questions are revealing their own inadequacies (particularly early in the game), why worry so much about whether it works out with them?

    I always like to turn the tables on these kinds of questions with a polite smile and a, “why do you ask?” or, “since this is clearly important enough to you to bridge my personal space on it, you go first.”

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Maybe I’m not adding this up right, but if people who ask a ton of personal questions are revealing their own inadequacies (particularly early in the game), why worry so much about whether it works out with them?

      Because they might just be trying to make conversation. Or, despite their social inadequacies, they might not be all that bad. The point is to err on the side of caution.

      I always like to turn the tables on these kinds of questions with a polite smile and a, “why do you ask?” or, “since this is clearly important enough to you to bridge my personal space on it, you go first.”

      The former response isn’t too bad. It’s a little combative. By turning the tables, you end up looking defensive. The latter suggested response just makes the person come off rude. Intentionally rude at that.

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  11. JC Says:

    I usually charge my friends to create lies for them, but here’s one I’ll share for free.

    Your “Fake” Relationship Backstory:

    You were in a serious relationship for over a year. However, that ended 4 months ago, when your S/O’s job relocated them to (insert any place here that is far away from where you live).

    This provides enough specifics and is simple enough to believe and remember, because it happens all the time.

    In addition, it shows that someone recently deemed you to be relationship worthy that they dated you for over a year. Also, 4 months is long enough to get over someone, but not too long to where you have dust and cobwebs growing from your genitalia. Lastly, it implies that there’s zero chance of you getting back with your ex, because they live in a galaxy far, far away.

    Your Welcome,

    JC

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    • Selena Says:

      I like the “,i.Lastly, it implies that there’s zero chance of you getting back with your ex, because they live in a galaxy far, far away” part :) but making up a fake relationship backstory feels like something that could backfire if you actually make a connection and become closer. In a relationship details of previous relationships tend to come out naturally over time. At some point one would either be forced to elaborate on the fake relationship story (building lie upon lie), or come clean about it leaving their new lover wondering – “If he/she would lie about something as stupid as that – WITH DETAILS-….what else might they have lied about? Would be willing to lie about?” I think I’d be turned off finding something like this out. Perhaps wonder if the guy had mental/emotional/insecurity issues.

      Who wants to know details of someone’s relationship history on the first few dates anyway? I understand some questions are asked to determine if a person is indeed single and not seeking something outside of their relationship, but things like how long ago was your last relationship/how long did it last/ why did it end are just pushy coming from someone you barely know. Pushiness should not be rewarded with details- real or made up.

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      • JC Says:

        Good points, Selena!

        However, when people ask these kind of questions, its “code” and what they really want to know is “How desirable are you to other people”, “Are you long term relationship worthy?” “Are you over your ex?”, “When’s the last time you had sex?”…etc….

        It’s like when people ask other cliche relationship questions “How many people have you slept with?”…when a job ask cliche interview questions “What are your weakness?” , “Why did you leave you last job?”

        They are all code questions looking for something else. Since most of this is common knowledge, everyone should have pre-rehearsed answers, because bet your bottom dollar, people will keep asking them.

        No one is going to come to you after being on the job for 3 years and say “Why did you leave your last job again… elaborate and tell me more about it?”….and more than likely, no one will do the same for these in the moment relationship questions, after you’ve been with them for a while.

        Whether you choose to lie is up to the individual, but there should be no “ahs”, “hmm” and awkward pauses in responses….you know it’s coming…rehearse your answers.

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        • Selena Says:

          How often do people ask outright “How long ago was your last relationship? How long did it last? Why did it end? Why are you single?” I haven’t done OLD so maybe it’s more common in that venue?IDK.

          I’ve never been asked those questions directly by a date. How off-putting. And what would they say if I replied, “Why don’t you go first?” :)

          The reason anyone is single is because they haven’t yet met the person they will spend the rest of their life with. This applies anyone on a date. If one was married, engaged, a cohabitating partner, or as yet to have those experiences…the answer is still the same. So why lie?

          The people who want answers to these questions from near strangers have their own ‘baggage’ don’t they? (Their own r’ships didn’t last-hence they are on a date with you). If they are using “code” to determine your desirability to them….how desireable are THEY really?

          I agree with you JC, have a rehearsed answer for these socially inept souls for your own comfort. Instead of a fake backstory though, a simple “I haven’t found the right person for me …yet.” Said with a smile is preferable. Then change the subject.

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  12. Leena Says:

    “For all the moralizers out there who clutch their pearls at the idea of lying, this is for you.”

    Moralizing has got nothing to do with it.

    Being o.k with yourself, where you have and haven’t been, and who you are because of it does.

    The reason why half of these articles do not help but only perpetuate people’s issues is because they rationalize away the responsibility you have to yourself first, then to others, to be REAL – not some propped up socially acceptable notion of what will get you dates.

    If you are so feeble minded as to be scared away by someone who hasn’t dated in a year, or conversely who has just broken up a month ago – then DON’T date them. If you are expecting people to not ask you questions which might make you uncomfortable or which you prefer not to answer, then i’d suggest getting a cat. :P

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    • marie Says:

      “More mystery, less history” is a wise adage to follow, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. But trust is critical to building ANY kind of relationship. When asked point blank, I’m going to have to agree with Leena here. Who has the time or energy or lack of integrity to keep up with lies? To thine on self be true, right?

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  13. Lucy Says:

    Thanks. I wouldn’t actually have thought of this myself so I’ll try putting it into practice.

    I’m usually an open person because I have a “take me or leave me sort of mentality”. Doesn’t mean I don’t own up to being wrong – what I mean is if someone can’t accept my truth, where is the room for them in my life?

    But I can see how this idealism doesn’t work when the person hardly knows you and is likely to make a lot of assumptions. At that stage, I suppose it’s best to be light and breezy about it. I like the suggestion of saying something like, “I dated a few people here and there but nothing really clicked”. It’s simple and puts it in positive terms, and surely only the most insecure person would inquire further?

    Are there any other ‘code’ questions that people ask in dating? I do not like men asking me how many people I’ve slept with ’cause I consider it none of their business. It’s not even something I would ask a man either.

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  14. Guitardiva Says:

    I guess this site is not for me. I see a lot of comments and implications that being over 40 and single means you are a loser, undateable by definition, and should crawl under a rock somewhere and wait to die.

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