I come to you with a dilemma that I’m just having some trouble sorting out. A few months ago, I underwent breast reduction surgery, which was deemed medically necessary by both my doctor and my insurance company. It was something that I’d wanted to do for a long time–not only was my physical health in jeopardy, but emotionally my health was very poor as well. Recovering from the surgery was a challenge, but I’m almost 100% physically, and emotionally I feel better than I’ve ever felt in my life.
The dilemma is when dating someone, how do I broach the subject of my surgery with a suitor? Before my surgery, many of my guy friends would try to talk me out of the procedure, mostly from a purely physical standpoint. Despite the fact that I had this surgery done to feel better about myself, it seems that breast reduction is met with negative feelings. My worries aren’t really with being intimate with someone and having them judge the very evident scars–I had to weigh the pros and cons of the procedure and for me, the scars are no big deal. What I’m asking is how do I bring this subject matter up without freaking a guy out? Do I keep it hush hush for a while or should I just put it out there right away?
State: IL – Illinois
I’m not exactly sure why you have to tell these men anything in advance. If they ask about them, then you just say that you had to have breast reduction surgery for health purposes. We don’t owe men an explanation about why our breasts might not look like what they think they should. Nor do we owe them any kind of warning. A lot of people have scars of various kinds. Yours just happen to be on or near your breasts.
The hope is that most men will be socially appropriate and not ask probing questions. Inquiring as to what the scars were for is acceptable, but it really has to be asked at the right time and in the right way. You don’t have to address the scars if you don’t want to. You are not obligated to apologize/explain for a choice you made for your wellness. If they react in a certain way, you can say something. But don’t feel like you need to say anything, because you don’t. If they can’t handle scars or imperfections, then God help them when they get married and their wives have children.
To be honest, you do sound a bit uneasy about the scars. If that’s the case, and giving a quick heads up before things get physically intimate will put you at ease, do it. What you shouldn’t do is defer to them and their opinion of what bodies and boobs should look like. They’re lucky to be there in the first place. A mature and experienced guy does not expect perfection or that we look like something in a magazine.
A woman asked me the other day why she doesn’t hear from any men close to her age on dating sites. She’s fuller figured, lives in a metropolitan city and is 24 years old. She’s extremely comfortable with her body but wishes she would get more attention from guys in her age range, which was 25-32 or so. She mostly hears from guys 35+. One of the reasons I suggested for this phenomenon is that I believed that guys her age and a few years older are still very much caught up in the opinions of others. They like being able to show off their girlfriends to their male peers. These guys still place a great deal of importance on what other men think of them and hope to take some kind of Alpha role in their pack. Remember that scene in American Psycho where they guys were all comparing business cards? Yeah. It’s kind of like that. Being able to have a “hot” girlfriend affords the guy bragging rights.
I think, if it comes down to being with someone who is fun to be with and great in bed versus dating someone with a smokin’ hot bod but might be a bit difficult, a younger guy will choose the woman with the hot bod. As they get older and gain wisdom, they realize that simplicity and kindness and cute trumps hot and high maintenance.
Photo Credit – weheartit.com