Comment: Hi Moxie,
I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks (our last date was Saturday – our fifth date) and wanted to get your perspective on whether or not I’m blowing this out of proportion in my mind.
Everything has been moving along fine with us – we’re just getting to know each other and on our most recent date on Saturday, I met his friend and friend’s girlfriend…We had dinner, went to a party, and checked out a new lounge in the city. I also ended up spending the night (while we didn’t have sex, we definitely fooled around and did everything-but). He dropped me off yesterday morning, and an hour or so later, I sent him a picture that a friend took of us that was taken a few days prior when we went to a marketing agency launch event. He didn’t respond. Complete silence. Meanwhile, he’s been “active” on the online dating site where we met.
I know he’s sending me a clear message that we’re done, but I guess it’s unsettling that I thought I knew him, and it would dissolve so soon.
My take on this situation is that this feels he’s proven himself worthy and shouldn’t have to deal with the “everything but” treatment. Keep in mind that the real issue in a lot of these instances isn’t the lack of sex, but the feeling that guys are expected to turn all kinds of tricks in order to gain the woman’s approval. The other possibility is that he simply decided he wasn’t interested but just failed to clue you in on that decision. the Fade sucks and nobody likes it, but a lot of people can rationalize it. We didn’t have sex, we weren’t really dating, I only had two dates with them. We do it. We can’t stop people from justifying their bad behavior. All we can do is control how we react to it.
I think the major complication here was that you presumed to know how he was evaluating the relationship. As I said to a friend this morning, many people find it hard to be objective when it comes to their personal experiences. This discussion was inspired by a blog post about playing hard to get. The woman telling the story used an experience she had to explain why playing hard to get doesn’t work. In her tale, she revealed that a man she knew had been chasing her for several years. When she finally agreed to go out with him, his interest waned. She asserts that that is because she was no longer a challenge. Which, of course, is possible. But it’s also possible he simply was never all that interested in her but was only wooing her when he had no options in the hopes of getting laid. Or, once he got a chance to take her out, he decided they weren’t compatible. Neither of those fit her internal narrative where she’s heavily in demand and wildly captivating. So it makes sense that she rationalizes that his lack of interest was that she no longer provided a challenge.
My point is that many of us project what we’re thinking and feeling on the other person and assume we’re on the same page. How many times do we hear men and women express confusion because they had an “amazing” first date with someone that involved “great chemistry” but never heard from that person again? The logical answer, of course, is that that mutual chemistry didn’t exist and that it was only in our head.
To me, CityGal, it sounds like you and this guy were on different pages from the start. That he could just walk away and blow you off the way he did speaks volumes about how invested he really was. If he was interested in taking things further, at the very least he would have addressed his concern.
I would follow up with him in a day or two if he doesn’t respond and ask him what’s up. If he doesn’t send you a reply, you have your answer.