Comment: I’ve been dating this guy who has been consistent, a complete gentleman, and very thoughtful.
First date was coffee
Second was dinner… he invited me back to his place for a movie but I politely declined as I had an early morning
Third date he asked me to go hiking the following Sunday but I had other plans.
So the same week he asked if I wanted to go out for dinner and then a movie at his place. During the movie we cuddled a bit. Kissed a bit towards the end and he tried to take it to the next level. I let him know that I wasn’t ready and shortly after headed home at a decent hour.
I heard from him the next day saying he was thinking of me and hoped I had a good day.
The following day he gives me a call and let me know that he had left his job. He was trying to look at it as for the best but I knew that it was a stressful thing for him as he was very passionate about his career path and putting himself through school at the same time.
I realized that I could not expect him to be in a place where he would be focused on pursuing dating someone if he’s worried about his livelihood and I was prepared for things not to escalate and to give him the space he needed. However, I continued to hear from him consistently. Never more than a day would go by without him contacting me.
A few days passed from our last date before he set the fourth date. We planned an outdoor movie, that of which he purchased the tickets earlier in the week and sent them to me to print out. The day of he messaged me in the afternoon letting me know what time he would be picking me up and let me know how he couldn’t wait to see me. An hour before our date he texts that he just got home from school, was exhausted and hated to say it but he just didn’t have it in him to go out. Apologizing for the inconvenience
My immediate reaction was that of not wanting to respond. That it was done. I was surprised and a little confused but I was not going to tolerate being disrespected and let alone not even receiving a phone call.
But then I started to think, how can I handle this situation differently? How can I show human dignity and respond the opposite of my nature. How can I not assume the worse in a person and give him the benefit of the doubt. And realized that up until this point this man has not given me any reason to believe that this was his nature… to be flakey, uninterested or inconsistent. And I really couldn’t make sense of what could’ve happened between 12pm- 6pm. Either he was having a shitty day or it was another woman. But without jumping to conclusions I responded 45 min later letting him know that I understood and that we all have days like that and not to worry. We could get together some other time.
He responded thanking me for being understanding and I havent heard from him since. Today is the fourth day.
I know at this point I have to just let it go and I have no intention on pursuing him. I’d like to just pull the “well, he just isnt interested in you” card but that doesn’t explain his behavior leading up to that point. All I know is that sometimes the universe will end something for your protection. And everything that happens is always for my utmost good. If I think about all the past men with whom I actually cared for and was a bit let down that it had come to an end, I can honestly say that I am 100% grateful for that person no longer being in my life. That each of those men are so far from what I really want in someone. I know that with time everything that has ever ended, however painful it may have been, has always turned out to be one of the best things that has happened to me. Although this situation is different from all others, meaning, he hasn’t shown himself to be a total disrespectful asshole, I am more than certain the reasoning will be revealed with time.
City: Los Angeles
Many times men and women get stuck on trying to figure out how someone they’re dating could have gone from Point A to Point B so quickly.
My answer is always the same:
They were never at Point A and were always at Point B.
People get very caught up in gestures and milestones like meeting friends, an elaborate date, or a weekend get away. What they never consider all of these moves don’t mean to their date what they mean to them. Equally baffling is the concept that someone can date you, several times in fact, and never intend to take things to a certain level or be all that interested. Again, people assume that, if any gestures goes above and beyond the minimum, then that person must really, really like them. That would be false. Maybe that person you’re dating really wanted to see that movie, or visit that tropical location, or try that cool activity. Maybe they were just killing two birds with one stone.
It’s also possible that they just wanted The Girlfriend or Boyfriend Experience. They want the activities and flirty text messages and sex. They just don’t want or need anything that becomes obligated or serious. Only time will reveal whether or not this is the case for someone. Eventually these people will re-define the boundaries. Especially if they get the sense that the person they’re seeing is getting more invested. Work, school a lay off, kids, a recent break up. These are some of the excuses they’ll use to slow things down and communicate that they don’t see the relationship becoming more than casual. They don’t want to break-up completely. They just want to communicate their unwillingness to offer much more than a casual relationship.
My guess is that you will hear from this guy again. I think his lack of contact for the last few days is his way of redefining things. He may have felt overwhelmed because of his recent lay off and not sure if he could handle a relationship. You also need to accept that he may not be willing to offer you much more than he’s been giving you or close to being able to know if he wants something serious.