I don’t get asked out on dates, and I don’t know why. It’s starting to effect my ego a bit, and I am realizing that I have no game.
This is not easy for me, considering that my passion is sports and live entertainment, I have a stable and exciting job in the sports industry (with amazing perks), am an outgoing, personable, caring, attractive, overly independent people-pleaser. I have a ton of guy friends, and they will commonly (unprovoked) say “you’re going to be an amazing girlfriend one day…” Or “I would totally date you- you’re the best.”
Am I too deep into “bro-code?” It’s been like this my entire life. I didn’t go on my first date until I was 21, but always had a ton of guy friends who tell me how hot or fun I am.
Nowadays, iI tend to use sex, alcohol, or free tickets as a protective mechanism, because I don’t know how to handle the initial stage of dating.
I don’t know how to change… Can you help? Any pointers on how to get my game right.
I think they’re two things working against you here.
First, you appear to be frequently in the company of men. To a guy on the outside, that might look like you’re dating one of them. It also might make you seem like you need a lot of attention from men.
Second, it’s great that all your guy friends tell you how hot and awesome you are. But if none of them try to date you or even sleep with you, there’s something preventing them from crossing that line. And, no, it’s not that they value the friendship. Either these guys are all really insecure, or you’re coming across too aloof or present a high risk of possible rejection or they’re picking up on some sort of red flag. I’d love it if you were able to ask these guys what the real deal was, but I doubt you’d get any honest answers and I think that would make you too vulnerable.
Something else to consider is that, because none of these guys are dating you, then other guys in your orbit might be wondering why none of these men are dating you. I’m not sure if that’s even something we consciously acknowledge. I do think that if guys see you with a group of men all the time and none of those men appear to be dating you, they will eventually wonder why.
Whenever I encounter a man with a disproportionate number of female to male friends I’m suspicious. “What’s wrong with him? Why isn’t he dating any of those women? Has he dated any of them?” That, too, might be subconsciously keeping guys at a distance. Think about it. Would you want to date someone constantly surrounded by women who tell him how hot and amazing he is that he may or may not have dated or slept with at some point?
The upside of being a guy’s girl is that you learn an awful lot about men. The downside of being a guy’s girl is that a lot of men often see that as a threat. Not because they’re intimidated or afraid but because they, like many men and women, don’t like the idea of being totally transparent. The minute any man I date reads this blog, they know there’s little they will get away with. We all need that wiggle room to mess up in relationships.
My suggestion to you is to make some female friends and hang out with them. Cut back on the bro-ing in social situations where you might meet someone. When you’re hanging out with a guy or on a date, don’t fall into that friend trap that we sometimes put ourselves in because we have so many friends of the opposite sex. Most importantly, don’t over think it. Easier said than done, I know. I think you need to develop an identity outside of being one of the guys. Once you do that, your behavior will likely adjust to the shift.