Why Is It So Hard To Hook Up On OKCupid?

Name: Andrewspeeddating2

Comment: I recently read your column comparing match.com and okcupid. I’ve used both sites. My experience was that I received far more view and shows of interest on match (winks & emails) from women on match than I ever did on okcupid. The response % to emails I sent was slightly higher on match, but not by much.

My biggest gripe with okcupid is that I find their matching system to be awful. Case in point. I live in Hoboken, and 75-80% of the women okcupid tries to match me with are in Brooklyn – even when I try and search by match & distance I rarely find any women in the Hoboken/Jersey City/Hudson County area. On match the #’s were considerably higher. The difference being I could actually search by city/zip. I understand that okcupid gives this option to paying customers and that match, being a pay site does this automatically.

My question to you is how do you circumvent okcupid’s seemingly absurd way to finding matches? I’m in a situation where I’ve just re-entered the dating scene after a 10 month relationship and want to use a site that’s more casual hook-up friendly than match.com. I’m also old enough to realize that a woman in Brooklyn looking for something causal isn’t going to travel to Hoboken, simply because there are plenty of available guys in Manhattan.
Age: 41
City: Hoboken
State: NJ

First off, it’s important to realize that OKCupid’s membership for NYC is comprised mostly of people who live in Brooklyn. Match, on the other hand, has more Manhattan proper or Hoboken proper. That makes sense, given that people who live in Manhattan and not, say, Queens, tend to be of the mindset that you get what you pay for. People who live here and go out in Manhattan understand that money is to be spent in order to get what you want. That’s why OKCupid is full of people from Queens and Brooklyn and Long Island and suburbs. People who live in a suburb or Jersey don’t value the experience above the cost the way Manhattan residents do. We expect to pay for something that is to our liking. Folks using OKCupid who live in Brooklyn are mostly struggling artist types who aren’t all that financially stable, hence their decision to use a free site. You seem to prove my point that people who live outside of Manhattan seem hesitant to pay for something that would make their experience easier if they can get a cheaper, less impressive version. Regardless of the type of relationship you seek, trying to get anything of quality for free is a fool’s errand. Just because you aren’t looking for love on a dating site doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to pay to be successful.

That being said, the OKCupid matching system is incredibly difficult to navigate, I agree. That’s why I advise you try some of these tips.

1.       Do a search in age increments of 2 or 3 years instead of 5 or 10. That way, you’ll get to see more people without having to scroll, scroll, scroll. Most people give up after a few minutes.

2.       Utilize ALL of the search criteria options. Sort by Match, Friend, Enemy & Distance.

3.       Screw the algorithms and match percentages. I honestly think they’re meaningless. That something OKCupid touts as one of the selling points for their site. I’ve never once paid attention to that. Some people don’t answer as many questions for personal reasons. That doesn’t mean you and they might not be a good fit.

4.       Look at the profiles of the people you’d like to meet. Do they mention specific Hoboken venues or hot spots popular in your area? Find a way to work those words into your profile.  Everybody should employ this trick. Review about 5 or 10 profiles of people you’ve messaged that appealed to you. Find some common words or phrases or activities that also apply to you and get them in your profile. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

5.       Use the keyword search function. Type in words that are unique to your area like Manhattan, commute, or the name of a park or restaurant or building in your city of choice.

6.       Move to Brooklyn or Manhattan or a city in New Jersey that isn’t heavily populated by twentysomethings. You either need to find a site that is tailored to your needs or you need to tailor yourself to the needs of those who use the site.

7.       Shell out the measly $14.95, for Pete’s sake and search by zip.

There are no short cuts to finding any kind of partner. While online dating certainly makes it easier, the pursuit still requires effort. Your first mistake is thinking that there should be an easy way to find this person. There isn’t. The options in the city where you live are limited. For you to find what you want, you’re going to have to expect to put in the time and dollars. Maybe it means that you have to put in your profile that you have a car and aren’t opposed to traveling for the right person. If you work in Manhattan, then be sure to make that clear. You’re going to have to be the one to do most of the traveling. You need to demonstrate that you understand your limitations and have already devised ways to overcome them. You’re going to have to be able to convince people that you’re prepared to do what it takes. You’re right. Few women in Brooklyn are schlepping to Hoboken to have casual sexy time with you. There’s really no way around your predicament other than stop looking for ways to beat the system.

All of this applies to anybody that isn’t in high demand or for whom the odds are against them. Concessions need to be made in order to achieve your goal.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

16 Responses to “Why Is It So Hard To Hook Up On OKCupid?”

  1. Orgo Says:

    Good post. You made some good suggestions. Also I just wanted to mention that I love the quote under the title of your site. I hadn’t heard it before and it made me smile ruefully. Is that something you came up with? If not, who said it? Thanks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I’m in a situation where I’ve just re-entered the dating scene after a 10 month relationship and want to use a site that’s more casual hook-up friendly than match.com.”

    This struck me as odd. A 41 year old man should not be so exhausted from a “10 month relationship” that he feels he needs to sow his oats for a while. I hope you’re not actually saying this out loud to women (or god forbid on your OKC profile) because it’s not credible- women may buy that line if you’re divorced (even if a 10-month marriage) but enduring ten months of dating one person after 40 years of bachelorhood doesn’t earn you some kind of commitment break.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 33 Thumb down 7

    Reply

  3. noquay Says:

    A lot of sites have weird matching criteria and yep, stay away from the freebies. I had a profile on Harmony which always insisted on matching me with guys with kids , guys not in shape, guys far, far, away although I specified a 150 mile radius. The freebies had guys contacting me that were so incompatible that Id wonder if they’d read anything of the profile or even looked at the photos. I realize living in a small mountain town that can be a dangerous drive in winter is a detriment, that on line and long distance are my only options, but I kinda like my matches to live in the same country and inhabit the same time zone.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  4. Scott Says:

    “That’s why OKCupid is full of people from Queens and Brooklyn and Long Island and suburbs. People who live in a suburb or Jersey don’t value the experience above the cost the way Manhattan residents do. We expect to pay for something that is to our liking. Folks in Brooklyn are mostly struggling artists who aren’t all that financially stable, hence their decision to use a free site.”

    Wow, maybe it’s time to come out of your ivory tower and realize that people who live in the outer boroughs may in fact value money just as much as those who live in Manhattan – perhaps even more so. FYI, I live in Queens, and “expect to pay for something that is to [my] liking.”

    You really think “folks in Brooklyn are mostly struggling artists”? Really? Which part of Brooklyn? Park Slope or Brooklyn Heights, with all those “struggling artist” mothers breast feeding their babies at coffee shops? Or how about all those trust-fund millennials occupying Willyburg these days?

    I understand your point w.r.t. “you get what you pay for,” but your generalizations regarding where people live and their ability to appreciate the value of something, compared to Manhattanites and their allegedly uber-saavy tastes, are complete garbage. Your statements are backed up by your own seemingly narrow observations, not concrete statistics of demograhics from each site (feel free to prove me wrong if you can offer such statistics, by the way). However, I’m sure there are PLENTY of folks living in Manhattan who are on OK Cupid, maybe because it’s free or maybe because they’re also on Match.com.

    Good luck to the OP with whatever he’s looking for.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 33 Thumb down 2

    Reply

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Wow, maybe it’s time to come out of your ivory tower and realize that people who live in the outer boroughs may in fact value money just as much as those who live in Manhattan

      That’s not what I said. I said that people in Manhattan value the experience over the money. That’s why we live here and not Queens.

      You really think “folks in Brooklyn are mostly struggling artists”?

      The ones on OKCupid seem to be, and that’s what we’re talking about.

      I understand your point w.r.t. “you get what you pay for,” but your generalizations regarding where people live and their ability to appreciate the value of something, compared to Manhattanites and their allegedly uber-saavy tastes, are complete garbage.

      Of course you think that. You live in Queens, hence your knee jerk response to a reality. It has nothing to do with taste. People who live here because they value the lifestyle and conveniences that living in Manhattan affords. We choose to pay for that convenience. That’s a mindset shared by most of the people who live here, which is why we date them and not people from Queens.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 28

      Reply

      • Scott Says:

        It sounds like you comb through OK Cupid and allegedly find “struggling artist” types…I guess you don’t get out much.

        “That’s a mindset shared by most of the people who live here, which is why we date them and not people from Queens.” – Ooof…that’s so elitist it hurts to read!

        I guess I’m far more open-minded than you are, and appreciate the substance of a person more so than where they choose to live. Good luck limiting yourself to Manhattan. I hope one day you meet someone who doesn’t live in Manhattan who rocks your world and makes you appreciate how closed-minded your above statements truly are.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 32 Thumb down 2

        Reply

  5. Leslie Says:

    I am shocked at the generlization of Brooklyn and Queens being starving artist types. Have you been to Brooklyn or Queens? Rent is higher to live in Brooklyn in most places than the city.There are people in both places that value getting what you pay for. I live in Park Slope, I am a Desginer, not struggling, and I am on Okcupid.

    I agree with your frustration of not being able to do a search on Okcupied that is neghborhood specific. I think it comes down to, wherever you chose to live is a reflection of your personality. Some people enjoy what Brooklyn has to offer over the city and vise versa. I could easily live in the city but happen to like the culture,parks, food, bar scene in Brooklyn. I commute everyday to Manhanttan so that I can enjoy my time of in Brooklyn.

    If you enjiy Manhanttan more then your personality is probably just not clicking with those in Brooklyn. That is all that it is.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  6. Craig Says:

    My question to you is how do you circumvent okcupid’s seemingly absurd way to finding matches?

    My answer is to stop being cheap and pay the membership fee that allows you to search by zip code. It’s like $20 for a month or $10 per month if you sign up for 6 months. If that’s too steep a price to pay to get chicks, then dating in the metro NYC area probably isn’t for you.

    As for Moxie’s statements about Manhattan residents alleged mindset about the value of money to get what you want compared to those of us in the surrounding areas, I’m not even going to touch that one. That’s a topic for a whole separate thread.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Andrew Says:

      “My answer is to stop being cheap and pay the membership fee that allows you to search by zip code.”

      I have nothing to say except…you’re right…. $60. That’s a night out drinking in Hoboken – a moderate one at that.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • Steve Says:

        I was never aware of the zip code search and thought the minimum was 25. So I can now search within 5 miles of my zip code, and I do have A-list. Maybe they added the 5 miles recently since Moxie last brought it up.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  7. PGH Gal Says:

    I think this breaks down into more of an issue of age than location or socio-economic status. Match.com has been around longer and has more of a variety of ages of both men and women on the site. My mom (in here 50s) has successfully used Match to find dates.

    OkCupid was developed by and for a younger demographic. While the site has grown up a bit (since many of the original members/developers have as well), it doesn’t seem to have the same level of popularity with the 40+ set.

    Also consider this: since women are paying for Match, they are less likely to want something casual from it since they can find that for free. You’re simply barking up the wrong tree for that type of thing in my

    This dude may be able to find some women in their 20s or 30s on OkC who are looking for a casual hookup…but he also lives in a suburb (which I’m assuming is more popular with couples/families than singles). So his options are to drive his ass to see them or move. Oh and he can also try PlentyofFish.com or DateHookup.com, which seem to attract people of all ages who just want something casual (and both are free).

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Craig Says:

      This dude may be able to find some women in their 20s or 30s on OkC who are looking for a casual hookup…but he also lives in a suburb (which I’m assuming is more popular with couples/families than singles). – PGH Gal

      He doesn’t live in the suburbs. He lives in Hoboken, NJ (where I also live), aka NYC’s 6th borough. It’s a city of 50,000 less than a mile across the Hudson river from Manhattan that is ranked the number 2 place in the country to be rich and single by CNN Money. It was also according to Bloomberg, the number one place in the country on its list of “Swinging Singles Cities.” Most of the residents here are Manhattan refugees who realized you can still have “the experience” at half the cost. And according to the media, it’s apparently a pretty good place to get laid too.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        you can still have “the experience” at half the cost

        Yes, by spending twice the time to get there and back. 6th Boro. So cute.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 18

        Reply

      • PGH Gal Says:

        Either that’s all media hype (which it probably is) or he’s just that unattractive. Because if Hoboken is so swinging and happening, he wouldn’t be writing Moxie for advice.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 6

        Reply

      • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

        I don’t know about those particular ones. I do know that some of those lists have crazy inputs. The city I used to live by was rated quite high on one of these lists for dating and one of the reasons that was listed is that there was lots of coffee shops to meet people at and to meet with friends to relive the previous nights conquests. Seems questionable to me…the really funny part was most of the coffee shops were actually drive-thru’s for the commuters.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  8. Alice Says:

    Do what I do: play around your zip code every so often and you’ll start seeing new people pop up as potential matches. I don’t use my real NJ zip code for a couple reasons: 1) I don’t want people to know where I actually live 2) I live close enough to NY where I get matches from Manhattan, Staten Island, Queens, and Brooklyn–none of which I’m willing to drive to 3) I live in a part of NJ with a large Asian population, and I’m not Asian or attracted to this demographic.

    You can either state in your profile somewhere that you live in a different town or let people know once you start e-mailing them.

    As long as you’re willing to drive to whereever the potential match may live, you’ll be in good shape.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 8

    Reply

Leave a Reply

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved