Do Any Men & Women Want Traditional Relationships Anymore?

Name: Bethanybioclock

Comment: I am 30 years old, never married, with no children. For the past 5 months, I’ve been dating a recently divorced man, in his early forties, also with no children. We do not live together, and I stay at his place about 4 nights a week. Now, my boyfriend tells me he wants to have a baby with me, because his time to have a child is running out. The clincher is he “can’t promise me we’ll ever get married.” He says that having a child is so important to him that, if I don’t have a baby with him soon, he’ll leave me and find a woman who will, or find a single mom with young kids that he can help raise. I want children, within a marriage, not out of wedlock. He basically wants to have kids immediately, while he can, and figure out the rest later – like wether we’ll get married or even stay together. I’m much younger and still riding on the dream that when I have children, it’ll be with a loving husband who’ll be my partner for life. Since he is divorced, he no longer follows the same school of thought. I am falling in love with him, but our relationship is fairly new and so I’m not convinced having a kid is the right decision for us right now. At the same time, I’m afraid of never meeting the “right man” to have the traditional marriage and family with that I dream of. Is the world changing so much that raising a family “the traditional way” is becoming obsolete?
Age: 30
City: Chicago
State: Illinois


Let’s address the first issue you raised. Your guy has a ticking biological time clock. You’re well within your rights to tell him to beat it if he isn’t willing to at least meet you half-way. Frankly, I think it would be wise to let him go anyway. Anybody who issues an ultimatum to try and coerce a person into doing something they don’t want to do shows signs of controlling and manipulative behavior. He’s trying to scare you into doing what he wants because, most likely, he knows you fear the idea that another option might not come along. That, I think, is what really creates confusion and chaos in the early dating stages. We fear that, because it took so long to find this one person who showed interest, we need to make it work or else we’ll end up forever alone. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will set you down the wrong path than being afraid to be alone. Alone or in a relationship, you’ll be okay. You have to believe that. If you don’t, you’ll end up in a very unhealthy relationship. There  are far worse things than being single or being alone. Believing that it’s a fate worse than death will fuel that anxiety and paranoia that causes people to make bad choices.


As for your second question, I think there are still plenty of people who want a traditional marriage and family. Especially people in your age bracket. If you were closer to my age, I’d say that holding out for marriage might not be the wisest decision. But since you’re not, I say that you should leave this guy and find someone who wants what you want. I still think many people feel as though raising a child is a responsibility to be shared by two parents and requires the benefits and security that comes with marriage. It can be done out of wedlock, of course. It’s not impossible or uncommon. I just think, if most people had to choose, they’d choose doing it with a partner and the appropriate level of protection.

I think a major hurdle that women my age encounter while dating is that they’re still hoping for marriage, but the majority of their romantic possibilities have already done it and don’t wish to do it again or have intentionally stayed away from marriage. Something else I noticed on Match when I was using it was that a lot of the men in my age range were quite upfront about looking for a “life partner” or “long term commitment and family.” Skip. It’s not that I’m opposed or not interested in both. I just don’t want to meet or date anybody who is that upfront out of the gate that they’re looking for marriage or something long-term. Yes, I know, statements like this in profiles are often included with the intention of wooing a woman. That feels, desperate, too. It’s akin to telling me how hot I am in those initial emails. It reeks of trying too hard. In my opinion, that’s a great way to scare off potential matches. I feel as though conversations about what someone is looking for should take place once compatibility has been determined, and that takes time. I can see why some people feel like discussions like that should happen on the first or second date. They don’t want to waste their time or that of someone else. I just think that 3-5 dates isn’t that long to wait until you bring up the topic of relationship goals, be that wanting to get married or not believing in marriage or wanting kids or not wanting kids.




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37 Responses to “Do Any Men & Women Want Traditional Relationships Anymore?”

  1. mindstar Says:

    Sound advice Moxie. And to the OP…cut it off with this guy. He’s trying to emotionally blackmail you. I’m guessing that he thought his ex-wife was “the One” and now is getting baby rabies because he’s afraid of not having children. You could easily wind up raising any child you have with him by yourself. Naturally that could happen even if you were married to him but it seems even more likely since he can’t promise that.

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  2. Speedy Says:

    I do think in general online commentators always want everyone to break up over the smallest of things. But what the hell.

    But he sounds like an absolute arse to me (as we say in Ye Olde Englandshire). What he is proposing here is bullshit and he is playing games. It might work for some women but they know (and perhaps always knew) that this was what they wanted to do ahead of time, its not something they got talked into. When someone makes a demand of you that does not respect your interests, they are insulting you. He’s doing it anyway, probably getting off on pulling an ‘alpha’ power play on you. Tell him to go and inseminate himself.

    You’re 30, you’ve got options beyond this idiot.

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  3. The D-man Says:

    While I agree with the overall advice, I didn’t get the sense he made an “ultimatum.” He just told her the truth of what he’s looking for and admitted he’s a little confused about the marriage part. No need to paint him as a bad guy.

    Not everything a person says is part of a calculated strategy. If anything, it’s the opposite. Most people shoot their mouth off without thinking through the possible consequences.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 19


    • Speedy Says:

      I see where are coming from, but no. The “just being honest” line doesn’t work when the demand is unreasonable and to someone else’s clear detriment.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      >The clincher is he “can’t promise me we’ll ever get married.” He says that having a child is so important to him that, if I don’t have a baby with him soon, he’ll leave me and find a woman who will, or find a single mom with young kids that he can help raise.<

      So it's not an ultimatum unless someone says, "I'm giving you an ultimatum"?

      I do see where you're coming from, actually – hey, he *is* just saying what he wants. It's the, "If you don't do this, I'm leaving you" language that's really uncool. He can want whatever the hell he wants, and if she wants the same thing, great. If she doesn't, then he can either see how things go with her (they've been together five months, FFS) or decide to end things and pursue what he wants.

      Pushing her like that is really insecure and manipulative, as if he doesn't think he can get what he wants without "applying the screws" somehow.

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      • The D-man Says:

        The very act of getting married “puts the screws” to a lot of men. Divorce is a shitty outcome for men. Ergo it’s not a surprise that 70% of divorces are initiated by the female spouse.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 9


        • fuzzilla Says:

          If that’s the way the OP’s boyfriend feels – well, his baggage is not her responsibility.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2


          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            his baggage is not her responsibility.
            Both people in a relationship do have a responsibility to try to understand the other person’s position, even if it is due to “baggage”. I don’t see anything here that shows the OP understands why he doesn’t want to get married again–or what she has done to allay his concerns.

            In my experience, men only fear marrying the wrong woman; if a man is convinced the woman he’s with is the right one, he’ll be dragging her to the altar, not the other way around. Note: there’s a lesson in there for the ladies.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 4


          • PGH Gal Says:

            This is really in response to CrotchRocket’s comment: “In my experience, men only fear marrying the wrong woman.”

            So he doesn’t think she’s the right woman…but sure, let’s have a baby that ties us together for life. Cause that makes sense. Come on, now. This is an ultimatum and a completely unfair one because, face it, the responsibility of having children falls primarily on the woman. Not only does he not have to carry the baby physically, he also isn’t likely to be primary caregiver whether they stay together or not. It’s all very fun and theoretical for a man (“I’m a father!” “I’ve continued my blood line!” “I am man!”), but very real and gritty for the OP.

            Please don’t get it twisted: I know there are lots of wonderful things about being a parent and there are many men who take full custody of/responsibility for their children. But hopefully folks catch my drift.

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  4. Andy Says:

    As a guy, what this guy’s doing doesn’t add up. If a guy wants to have kids, he doesn’t wait till he’s 40 and suddenly develop a “ticking clock”. If he “really” wanted to have kids, he’d have already had them. A 40-something guy who doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want them… or there is something else going on.

    To me, this doesn’t pass the sniff test. If a 40-something guy suddenly develops a desire to have kids, that should be a red flag. Especially if he argues against marriage.

    Something doesn’t add up and that’s too big of an investment to risk on someone with that many red flags.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 18 Thumb down 13


    • The D-man Says:

      Eh, maybe. I wanted kids but my now ex couldn’t get pregnant and we couldn’t afford in vitro at the time. Now I’m 45 and not so sure I want them any more simply because I worry I may have passed my prime as a potential father. On the flip side, a good friend of mine is the same age is about to become a first-time father. He’s never doubted that desire for a moment.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0


  5. James Says:

    WTF? What guy has a “biological clock”? This guy sounds like a desperate moron. You are 30 years old. If you are even halfway decent looking and don’t weigh a ton you should have no problem meeting eligible men. Sorry for the harsh words but it’s the truth.
    I also see future legal battles with this clown. Custody, support, visitation. Is this what you want? Because it’s coming with this clown.

    Wipe the stars from your eyes and run, not walk, from this guy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 2


    • The D-man Says:

      Guys most definitely have biological clocks. It’s not as severe as with women, but the children of men over 40 are much more likely to have developmental disabilities. See

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2


      • LostSailor Says:

        Unfortunately, the story doesn’t actually say that men over 40 are “much more likely” to have children with developmental disabilities. Especially since the study didn’t actually study any men over 40 (age range was 20 to 40). The study only showed that the child of a man at 40 is likely to have double the number of mutations in paternally inherited genetic base-pair blocks. Every child inherits some of these point mutations and the vast majority are in benign areas of his or her genome and the researchers specifically say that the risk of passing along a mutation that causes disabilities or disease is still very small.

        The real message of the study was that the increase in mutations with age is seen in men but not so much in women. Of course, women over 40 have their own reproductive issues…

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1


      • James Says:

        I don’t buy that. Maybe because I have kids already but I don’t want anymore. And I tell that to any new women I meet.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1


  6. AnnieNonymous Says:

    So he wants her to go through a pregnancy on his behalf, but he won’t satisfy her emotional desires? If she does have his baby (and is therefore connected to him for the rest of her life), the only thing that would change if they got married is that…she would feel better. He wants things his way and isn’t willing to do something he’s ambivalent about but would make her happy. In any context or situation, that’s not cool

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  7. noquay Says:

    A child deserves a real father who commits to the upbringing and future welfare of said child. Yep, that means committing to it’s mother. It sounds like yep, you are being pushed into a corner and it also sounds like he wants an escape hatch in case things don’t work out. Run sister!!
    On the topic of traditional marriage: I am nearly 53 and would like to be married again. I understand that unless I really want to be stuck with someone I do not want (plenty of those around), at best I will have to settle for some sort of weekend husband arrangement. Not all of us older babes are into casual.

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  8. Yvonne Says:

    I’ve known a couple of men who married younger women and had their first child when the guy was about 50. And of course, men even older than that can become fathers, so the line about how this man’s time is running out doesn’t hold water. 5 months is way too soon to discuss bringing a child into the world, especially under such unstable circumstances. Does this man really understand the consequences of such a decision?

    Sorry, Bethany you are not a brood mare. It’s not your responsibility to provide a kid for some recently divorced, unstable, controlling jerk. Would you really want to have a child with someone like this? Dodge the bullet.

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  9. Ken Besig Says:

    What bothers me the most is that this fellow will not even make the most basic commitment to marriage to the lady he wants to bear his child. Marriage is a contract which is set up to protect women and children. Marriage is actually a legally binding agreement, a most serious one which can only be legally voided in court. A marriage is one in which the wife and husband make financial, emotional, and security promises to each other and to their children. After all, without a nuptial contract this fellow could just walk away and leave this new mother with all the responsibilities for “their” child and only minimal legal recourse. Love is a wonderful part of life, so is trust, but verification and commitment are essential parts of reality. All the more so for this lady, and the innocent child.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      without a nuptial contract this fellow could just walk away and leave this new mother with all the responsibilities for “their” child and only minimal legal recourse.
      At least in my state, there is absolutely no difference between a man’s legal (i.e. financial) responsibility to a child born in wedlock vs. out of wedlock; custody and support hearings are the same whether the couple is divorced or never married.

      Marriage does give a non-working (outside the home) spouse certain financial protections, which is important if the plan is for one (usually the mother) to stay home with the kid(s), but that’s about it. If the spouses have similar incomes, it’s pretty much a wash, whether there are kids or not.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0


  10. jaclyn Says:

    It is a much more serious commitment for two people to have a child together than to get married. You can divorce a spouse, and with a strong prenup, walk away permanently and restart your life without ever looking back. The choice of whom to make your baby’s parent is a permanent one and will have a lasting impact on your child’s quality of life and future emotional and intellectual development. And your boyfriend damn well better be sure about the person whom he choses to be his baby’s mother, since she is likely to be the person who has the most influence on his child. If he isn’t sure enough about you to marry you, then he shouldn’t be sure enough about you to deliberately plan to have a child with you. His priorities are misguided, and this makes him a poor choice as a potential father of your children. A man who is a good candidate for parenthood would want to make sure that his partner’s emotional and financial needs are met and that you are happy so you can be a good mother to your children. It isn’t unreasonable for him to not be sure that he wants to marry you after 5 months, but it is crazy to think it is a good idea to plan to have a baby with someone you aren’t ready to commit to – since having a child is a lifelong commitment.

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  11. erine Says:

    They do (want traditional relationship). But they want them with people they would really fall for, whose company they would crave, and meeting a person like that gets harder and harder as we get older and get set in our ways and develop very strong sense of our personality, likes and dislikes. When we are in our teens-very early 20′s, we don’t even know most of the “ways” we are going to set it, so we can fall for like four people out of ten, but as we get older, the number drops to 1 in a 1000, as it’s harder and harder to meet a person who will meet out gradually developed “criteria”.
    Nowadays people are far less likely to compromise and settle for a person they like but are not really attracted to both sexually and intellectually/emotionally.

    I do think thought that in most cases, a person who you thought wasn’t interested in a relationship, will become a very relationship oriented person if they meet someone they really fall for. I’ve seen it many times, with people I know, with my self.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4


  12. erine Says:

    As for the OP, my guess is that that man is not in love with her, but he really wants children and she is young and willing (to be with him).
    If he was in love with her, he would not say what he said about marriage. I mean most men don’t care one way or the other about getting married, meaning they don’t grow up dreaming of their wedding tuxedo and a boutonniere they’re going to stick in their pocket for the wedding – but if that’s what a woman they are in love with wants (if they meet her), they will happily (or neutrally) oblige – just to be with her.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 6


  13. D. Says:

    This guy’s attitude…is worrisome. To say the least. Assuming his statements have been accurately described, I see several possible problems.

    First, he’s trying to pressure the OP into doing something she doesn’t want to do by issuing an ultimatum to her. Stating your position and what you want is fine, but demanding action and throwing in an “or else” at the end? Not cool. Particularly given how little regard he apparently gives to the OP’s position. “My way or the highway” isn’t a solid relationship basis.

    Second, this guy is operating from a very dubious place. I don’t know where this guy’s own sense of pressure to procreate, but for me, it calls into question his behavior in relation to the OP. Particularly when he says “If you won’t, I’ll dump your ass for someone who will or will just raise someone else’s kid,” it makes me question how into the OP he actually is vs. how into “being done” he is. Does he like the OP for who she is as a person, or is he just excited to have a nice brood mare to date?

    Third, this guy seems to have a VERY cavalier attitude towards children. Like, disturbingly so. Ok, I get it, you want to be a parent. Hey, so do I some day, but only under the right circumstances, and he seems, shall we say…less than picky about those circumstances. I’m not saying all couples with kids must be married, but Jesus Tapdancing Christ, the notion that you’re just looking for someone, ANYONE to make a baby with, or hey, you know, even just to raise theirs?! What the fuck?!? Kids are FOREVER. Not only that, but they bind you to the other person with whom you had them FOREVER. Even if you aren’t in a marriage, there’ll always be another parent or at least another biological donor out there somewhere. Yet this guy seems totally unconcerned about this fact, as evidenced by (a) his unwillingness to get married, and (b) his WILLINGNESS to do that with the OP or, hey, whoever else wants to procreate with him or let them play “daddy” to their pre-existing kid.

    I dunno what’s driving it, but it sounds like this guy is really REALLY interested in the “role” of being a father, and isn’t that particular about how he steps into that role. All in what seems like a REALLY unhealthy way, in terms of his own sanity, the sanity of whoever the mother is in all of this, and most importantly whoever the child is.

    As I said, I get the deep-seated conviction that you want to have kids and be a parent. I feel that myself. But this guy doesn’t sound like he has a realistic view of what being a parent means. I may be overreading here, but it seems like he wants to just step into the role of “Dad” like an actor in a play, or like putting on a Halloween costume or something.

    I’d walk. This whole situation stinks. Stinks, I tells ya!

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  14. LostSailor Says:

    Do people, especially men, still want traditional relationships anymore? Sure. It’s just that the social and legal landscape these days makes traditional relationships more fragile and potentially dangerous for men. Once through the divorce wringer will make most men give a jaundiced eye toward taking that risk again. And understandably so.

    It has nothing to do with whether he loves her or not. It’s not just a “basic commitment” that “most men don’t care about one way or the other.” It’s a serious commitment that carries a serious financial and emotional risk for men today. And there are any number of other ways to show commitment to both a partner and a child. It’s not to say that marriage can’t work or can’t last or isn’t worthwhile, but it seems many here think it’s something that you just walk into after 5 months of dating. A fairly foolish notion.

    That said, I agree that this guy is raising red flags. Obviously Bethany is into him if she’s “falling in love,” so there must be something there, but she’s also raising some red flags of her own. She’s falling for a man 10 years older and fears “never meeting the right man” for the traditional marriage that she longs for. Moxie is quite right that getting into a relationship with this mindset is a recipe for disaster and, frankly, has more than a whiff of desperation about it. So much so that this man feels he will be successful in applying pressure to have a child right away.

    That this man wants a child “immediately” and is willing to say that he’d settle for a single mom and help raise her kids is the biggest red flag. I don’t buy the “while he still can” excuse unless there’s some other underlying medical issue we don’t know about, because it’s really not an issue of “can.” (See above.) There nothing necessarily unusual about a 40-year-old man wanting children, but there’s something else going on here.

    So I generally agree that Bethany needs to get beyond the fears that allow manipulative behavior and find a man who will be able to give her what she wants (marriage), I do so for slightly different reasons.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1


    • erine Says:

      Of course a man’s desire to marry has to do with whether or not he is in love with a woman (as in craves her presence as opposed to just appreciating her nice personality and caring laughter). It applies to men who had never been married and divorced of course. It has been my husband’s experience. He did not care one way or the other if he was going to get married (despite the fact that his parents of course really wanted him to finally settle down and find “happiness”). He did not want to get married because that’s what all people do, he did it because I was a bit more traditionally oriented, and he was in love with him, and this was what I wanted.
      I had seen it with other men in my past, who did not really feel desperate to get married just because it had been their dream since they were little boys, but they did consider that possibility once they started to feel certain things for a woman, and marriage was what she eventually wanted.
      I am speaking from my own experience of communicating with men whose “type” I happened to be.

      There are also plenty of men who do actually want to get married but don’t because they don’t want to do it with a woman they don’t have fuzzy feelings for.
      Immature or not, more and more people nowadays , especially men, are willing to settle down with a person they are not in love with just because it’s what 30 somethings do. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, probably not very good, but it’s how it is. The trouble of course is that the older one gets the less likely it is that they will meet someone they will naturally just fall for.
      I am not talking about OP’s guy, I am talking about men in general, from metropolitan or immediate suburban areas that is. Men who had not been burnt by a divorce would happily-semi-happily consider the possibility of marriage if they fall in love with a woman. If they don’t , it means she didn’t trigger those emotions in him.
      I have personally experienced it even with men with multiple six figures a year who would have a lot to loose in a divorce (now I don’t know if they would make a woman sign a pre-nap, but just the fact that they were well of and there was a possibility of getting married didn’t make them all paranoid about all those obligations and calamities). Again, I am talking about the never-married kind.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4


      • erine Says:

        I meant “less and less people, especially men, are willing to settle down with someone they are not in love with”

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4


      • LostSailor Says:

        Of course a man’s desire to marry has to do with whether or not he is in love with a woman

        To clarify, my comment that it’s not a matter of whether or not he loves her was in response to many comments along the lines of, if he loved her he would marry her and since he doesn’t want to marry her he therefore must not love her.

        There are many reasons a man might not want to marry a woman that he loves. Similarly, an aversion to marriage is not necessarily an indicator that he doesn’t love her.

        I completely agree that if a man is going to marry, he damn well better love the woman he marries. Arranged marriages aside, love may not be sufficient to sustain a marriage but I believe it’s a prerequisite to entering into a marriage. But not the only one. Love must engender a firm commitment and must be clear-eyed. Other factors beyond love must be carefully considered.

        There may be men out there who marry with mixed emotions just because it’s “expected.” I don’t know of any, but that doesn’t mean they’re not out there. In my experience, it’s more likely women (not all women, obviously) who are prone to rationalizing their feelings into marriage because it’s the expected thing to do. My sister’s first marriage was like this. She admitted to me years later, after the dust was long settled, that she chose a man who, in her words, “looked great on paper” but who turned out to be a cowardly, belligerent, violent douchenozzle.

        Marriage is a serious thing. And for men an even greater risk these days. I know of many marriages that, from the outside, seem rock solid, but you can never really tell much about a marriage from the outside. But it needs to be very carefully considered…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1


        • erine Says:

          I agree with that.
          I’ve also heard of instances when a woman “besieges” a man for years, letting him to be on and off with her, until he finally hits a certain age and marries her since nothing “better” cam along. But I think it’s more an exception than the rule.
          I must say despite my husband’s relatively successful career, he did not take time to propose, and we got engaged and married times sooner than an average American couple.
          I do think that when a never married man falls head over the heels, he is far less likely to think about the potential dangers of marriage. But, to your point, I had a boyfriend who was very successful with a giant apt in the city, so although we never talked about marriage, I am sure if we got there, he would have me sign the most bullet proof pre-nap that ever existed – he just seemed to be that type. And I can’t blame him, if I were a man with a lot to loose, I would be totally crashed if someone burst into my life as a spouse and then took half or more of what they never participated in making.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1


    • Speedy Says:

      I think marriage is a bad idea for men. Anyone who is old enough to have gone from wedding guest to having the former groom sleeping on their sofa knows this.

      But actually this a case where marriage would be hard to argue with, its serving its contractual purpose. Knock me up after 5 months, fine, sign here and I get all your stuff if you change your mind. Thats what its for, to create a condition of equivalent jeopardy. You’d hope modern adults could be more civilised but looks like our guy here demands an heir quickly more than he especially wants the relationship with the woman as a person so he is fitting the pattern.

      Its the romance nonsense “you would if you loved me” that is the abuse of marriage, then you’ve got jeopardy one side and nothing on the other.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2


  15. Karen Says:

    I love that photo Moxie.. HAHA .. that’ great!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3


  16. Yvonne Says:

    The OP wrote: “I’m much younger and still riding on the dream that when I have children, it’ll be with a loving husband who’ll be my partner for life. Since he is divorced, he no longer follows the same school of thought.”

    I also wanted to comment that this makes absolutely no sense. Plenty of divorced people still want to meet a new life partner, and most divorced people still do remarry. I’m guessing this man is not long out of his marriage, either. Just because he’s divorced doesn’t mean he gets to skip the steps that are part of forming a new relationship. Sheesh.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1


  17. Mark Says:

    Just a point or two:

    As I read the original letter something occurred to me. So let me ask:

    Bethany, did this guy ever really inquire as to what you wanted or what was important to you? Because nowhere in this letter did you even hint at that point or even seem to take that into consideration.

    It seems that from his perspective what he wants in critically important. What you want seems very negotiable. Doesn’t really sound very equitable…. Does it?

    Many posters have highlighted numerous potential flaws and shortcomings in his perspective and approach. Is that what you really are looking for?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0


  18. Crotch Rocket Says:

    The clincher is he “can’t promise me we’ll ever get married.” … I want children, within a marriage, not out of wedlock.
    Sounds like your goals and his are incompatible. And, for the record, yours are not unreasonable; having a child entails enormous physical and economic risk to a woman, and marriage is still the best way of protecting yourself. If he’s not willing to take that step, then he’s not all that serious about wanting to start a family.

    He says that having a child is so important to him that, if I don’t have a baby with him soon, he’ll leave me and find a woman who will, or find a single mom with young kids that he can help raise.
    If the latter is really what he wanted, he’d have done it by now; there’s no shortage of single moms out there.

    Is the world changing so much that raising a family “the traditional way” is becoming obsolete?
    Well, a growing percentage of folks do think marriage is obsolete, particularly in your age group and younger, but that is tied to the percentage of folks who don’t plan on having kids; those who do, in general, still think that marriage has value–and if you’re one of them, you should find someone who is like-minded.

    You’re only 30; there’s still time, at least if you quit wasting it on guys who’ve already told you that they don’t want what you want.

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    • ej Says:

      It’s really hard to date someone whom in his age bracket is not only in the beginning of a mid-life crisis but is fresh out divorce court. It’s a-typical of men and women alike to experience a sudden urge for kids if they weren’t present in the marriage, especially at his age. Since a lot of people these days come of age around 30, I think it’s understandable that you’re ready to settle down but it might be hard to do with someone who is issuing ultimatums over sensitive scenarios because he himself is going through a turbulent and sensitive time that he probably wasn’t wishing for. He’ll need time to heal properly and
      this is where getting set in your ways so to speak can be damaging to yourself if not others.
      Not many people know how to deal with change but more sad is when someone stops feeling, doesn’t know how to feel anymore or collectively, when dealing with feelings constructively over time is lost in a quagmire of “we’re not sexually compatible anymore—he stopped being romantic, etc.”
      I think that so many people who get married and/or have kids in their younger years, say before 25, are the ppl whom base everything on looks and chemistry. When you wait, you may be better equipped to handle relationships with responsibility versus your desires. That’s what eats people up, the desire to have a certain status they don’t have one ounce of maturity, consciousness or sensitivity to handle and carry off with validation.
      Your situation is different and you can easily not feel hurt by the situation or the person if you understand that a lot of people will act out of pain and come off as an ass; it could be so detrimental for some that felt that they were only trying to do what was right.

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  19. ej Says:

    Hoping that they wouldn’t fall flat on their face and have any and all faults, real or not, magnified times ten. You wouldn’t be breaking his heart by saying good bye very gently. Gently doesn’t mean saying good bye because you can’t stand him for what he said out of pain he hasn’t had much time to deal with, but letting him know that you can see where it hurts but you’re not equipped to handle the changes in his life. Make a final note of encouragement for his future for whenever and with whomever he decides to have kids with that once he has healed, it’ll be ok to settle down and continue. It’s just not a good idea to continue a relationship with him, but take it as a lesson in observation at the very least, don’t encourage resentment.

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