Friday Quickie – Did She Stand Him Up?

Name: Oscarcmt-medium
Email:
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Comment: Apologies about the way I speak; I moved to America only a few years ago, and I still speak in the way I was conditioned at British private school in Somerset. Lol.

I would like to know whether you think I was stood up, or whether it’s a misunderstanding, and our argument should be resolved and we should try again. I arranged with a partner I met on a dating page to meet up; we started going through days and she suggested Wednesday, whilst I suggested Sunday of the following weekend to date. On Tuesday afternoon, I suggested we do both days at the equal distance location we had agreed to meet regardless of the day of our date. Specifically (and the wording is important as this is what our argument centers on) I said to her ‘would you like to do both days? We meet on Wednesday and Sunday?’ To which she replied ‘yeah, I would like that x’. I said that I would probably be able to meet at 3pm, and would let her know if impossible; she responded that she might have a doctor’s appointment but was not sure.

Wednesday came, and I got the train to our date place, at the scheduled time. She didn’t arrive. I waited an hour and then left, after which I sent a message saying what had happened, and that I was disappointed. She claims we hadn’t formally arranged the time and place, nor confirmed the actual day of Wednesday for the date and, therefore, whilst she’s sorry (an apology she later rescinded) that I made the journey to the meeting place, I wasn’t stood up because we hadn’t formally confirmed the date.

This annoyed me because she’s the one who suggested wednesday. I made a sarcastic comment about how dating arrangements have never been made formally with any of my exes, and that ‘would you like to meet at…?’ ‘Yes I would like to’ has generally been understood as propositioning and accepting a date. I made a sarcastic comment that in future I will ask for dates in the structure and manner of a formal police statement, complete with bold typing and capitals on all days, places, and people that are going.

My exact wording was: Next time I ask someone out, I will be sure to structure the message like a full on formal statement to law enforcement so everything’s spelt out nice and clear and in bold when it comes to time and places. I think I’ll be very popular with that! Thank you for helping me realise how to arrange things.

I then broke up with her in anger.
We carried on arguing (we were typing on Skype now) and when I cooled down a bit I offered to consider other days; she was unsure whether to accept but eventually agreed with my idea that it would be adviseable to speak when we have both calmed down (after all, in our heated state, I had broken up with her 3 times, asked her out once, and she has rejected me seven times- don’t ask how seven rejections happened to one reasking, nothing the pair of us do makes sense).

In all honesty, I can’t say for certain whether she received my message when I was approaching the place saying that I was headed there (she’s claiming she didn’t read it until my angry message hours later when I was heading home). However, I still feel stood up and despite the fact that she initially appeared sympathetic, she quickly turned it round to her being the victim, and complaining that we hadn’t formally agreed anything.

I’m angry because I wasted my time and money on a date which didn’t happen, and I feel stood up. I half only want us to repair things so that I can do the same to her on Sunday. I know that’s immature, and I probably wouldn’t do that anyway, though the thought crossed my mind and was the driving force with regards to going full circle from having dumped her to suddenly asking that we work things out.

I would be willing to try again if other people feel that it was a misunderstanding. I had initially appeared hesitant about Wednesday, which could be taken as justifying her assuming there was no date. However, we’d spoken since that and before I was stood up, and she had seemed to understand what was happening.

I’m sorry that this is long and confusing; I’m still confused and torn between anger and hurt and confusion and bewilderment and a desire to mend things, perhaps a little paradoxically, at the same time.

Age: 27
City: Charleston
State: SC

 

This is why you always confirm a date the morning of the date.

I’m thinking she, like I’m sure most of the reading audience here, was confused by the way you made plans. Most people don’t set up two dates at once. It’s not clear to me if you two had met before or not. I’m guessing you have.  I think this might be a good time for you to walk away. It’s hard to come back after a disagreement like the one it sounds like you and she had.

She’s probably a bit freaked at your reaction. Which, in my opinion, seems a bit extreme.  You’re running through a ton of emotions over something that sounds like an innocent mix-up. If I were dealing with someone who got this worked up over something, I would definitely reconsider dating them and worry that they might have some issues. Next time, confirm plans that were made the day of the date in order to avoid confusion.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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14 Responses to “Friday Quickie – Did She Stand Him Up?”

  1. Speedy Says:

    Mate, the details of what happened don’t really matter, your reaction is the problem. This is not something to get angry about and not something to get angry with someone else about. If she did stand you up, fine, chalk it up to experience, move on. Maybe she is just bad at committing to plans, you’re not going to change her anyway. Either way, for god’s sake, keep your cool. You’re better off being happy than right in situations like this. I’m not telling you to suck it up, I’m saying decide what you want and do it. There is nothing you want that you can get by behaving like this. Not only is it counter-productive, dating online is hard, you need to be more resilient if only for your own mental health.

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  2. Steve Says:

    “I said that I would probably be able to meet at 3pm, and would let her know if impossible; she responded that she might have a doctor’s appointment but was not sure”

    This does not sound like a definite confirmation of a date, it sounds like there is a degree of uncertainty on both sides. You should have told her you would contact her later to confirm you could make it and to see if she had her doctor’s appt or not.

    Also, by becoming argumentative, I think this would ensure that you would never get to meet, in particular if this was a first meeting. Also, the scheduling of two meetings seems strange, especially if it was a first meeting.

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  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “…he has rejected me seven times.”

    I need to hear more of this story. Even Jesus was only denied three times.

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  4. Ashley Says:

    Yeah, your reaction was a bit extreme. It was a simple misunderstanding.

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  5. Joey Giraud Says:

    Apologies for the way you write? This is the first letter I’ve seen here with coherent, complete and well-composed sentences!

    Then again, this is America. I suppose you ought to apologize.

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  6. AnnieNonymous Says:

    He had always been iffy about Wednesday, and she mentioned that she might have to go to the doctor. At that juncture, the best move would have been to say, “Wednesday seems bad for both of us. How about Thursday instead?” When you say, “I’ll let you know if Wednesday won’t work,” you’re implicitly promising to let her know either way.

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  7. Yvonne Says:

    “I said that I would probably be able to meet at 3pm, and would let her know if impossible; she responded that she might have a doctor’s appointment but was not sure.”

    The OP said “I would let her know if impossible”. Yet rather than confirming the date, he just showed up at the unconfirmed location for the unconfirmed date.

    “She claims we hadn’t formally arranged the time and place, nor confirmed the actual day of Wednesday for the date and, therefore, whilst she’s sorry (an apology she later rescinded) that I made the journey to the meeting place, I wasn’t stood up because we hadn’t formally confirmed the date.”

    Accurate.

    “I half only want us to repair things so that I can do the same to her on Sunday. ”

    Yeah, that’s a mature attitude. Passive-aggressive much? Plus, he piles on sarcastic comments, and then breaks up with the poor woman! The OP should consider himself damned lucky if she agreed to see him again.

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  8. VJ Says:

    Much confusion and poor communication skills on display here, as noted above. Let’s count the ways:

    1.) You always should confirm the date/appt. on the day of or for certain, a day or so ahead of time. Be as clear and concise as possible.

    2.) To avoid unneeded confusion also, this should be done as directly and simply as possible. ‘Meet under the clock @ Grand Central @ 2PM, Thurs.’ was a common one used once upon a time. But date, times, venue and even likely path certainly does help. ‘I’ll be coming by the 5PM train into the Station and meet you by 5.20PM under the clock’. And what you might be wearing was often another clue; ‘I’ll be wearing the blue feather boa/hat you saw & liked last night’ or ‘I’ll be on the corner of Sunset & Vine with Cal Worthington’s dog Spot, you know the big gator from last week…’.

    3.) Just because you sent the text or the email does not mean they actually ‘got it’ & In Time to act or respond to it. Often the messagemay be delayed by some hours, strangely enough. Depending on traffic & data plans. So always look for some sort of confirmation.

    4.) Failing No.#1 above, Don’t go overly dramatic on a ‘missed connection’. It happens all the time. It’s not a critical military/surgical operation. People will survive. You can date them next week/month too. They’ll likely still be there. (So will Syria too for that matter). So Yes, it can wait. Take some time out to enjoy the day and the diversion. Look around the venue. See any nice looking guys/Gals there? Why not try chatting them up and working on your Game here?

    5.) Never underestimate the possibility that there’s a cultural barrier or miscue/ miscommunication here as well. That’s somehow likely too, especially given your past history & the way you describe your actions.

    6.) Given all of the above, there will be guys & gals who just flake out more often, and/or who are not overly conscious or amenable to keeping appointments or who are always running late. These are often Not the same however. The ‘flaky’ may occasionally run late, but the perpetually harried & ‘over-scheduled’ folks are just seldom truly ‘flaky’. The flaky just a non dependable sorts on all kinds of traditional measures, and are just not likely to change either. Given your predilections you may want to avoid them too.

    7.) Given No.#6, even IF you’re ‘stood up’? It just never helps in the long run to go bonkers over it. It happens. If it truly bothers you, and you’re the punctual sort? Just don’t date gals who don’t fit in with your ‘busy’ schedule. A good rule of thumb is that if she’s doing this often or commonly enough to be annoying to most? Just drop her as a dating prospect. It’s sometimes not worth the hassle. Especially if you’ve already ‘broken up’ a half dozen times. I suspect that sounds like you’re a glutton for punishment here OR you just won’t take no for an answer or a hint, which might also be in play here too. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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  9. John Says:

    “We meet on Wednesday and Sunday?’ To which she replied ‘yeah, I would like that x’. I said that I would probably be able to meet at 3pm, and would let her know if impossible; she responded that she might have a doctor’s appointment but was not sure.”

    When most people are going through their calendars (either mentally or with one in front of them) they will know if they have a doctors appointment or not. If truly unsure, she should have gotten back to him to say “Yes I have that doc’s appointment so I cant meet Wednesday” or “I don’t have one so Wednesday will work”.

    The fact that she didn’t clarify the doctors appointment since that was one of the days on the table shows her lack of interest or lack of respect to his request. The fact that he trudged on anyway without confirming after not hearing from her shows his desperation.

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  10. LostSailor Says:

    Sorry, Oscar, but you didn’t have a confirmed date. Always confirm–and get a positive response–before heading out, especially if you’re traveling any distance. If your cell service is anything like mine–even in New York–then I’ve had text messages delivered or received hours or even days later.

    So, yeah, you were wrong, and your reaction only made things worse: sarcastic, butt-hurt aggression is no way to engender attraction. Just sayin’.

    But the more mystifying portion of this is that I read this as being a first date. And you two still continued to “argue” about it. That could speak volumes of several things. She could still be into the idea of dating you otherwise she would have just shut you down. That may or may not be a positive sign. If she’s willing to continue an “argument” with someone who is acting like an aggressive, entitled prat and even consider still seeing him, it could be evidence of some measure of desperation.

    But the most seriously loopy part of this post is this:

    I had broken up with her 3 times, asked her out once, and she has rejected me seven times

    Uh, no. You can’t break up or “dump” with someone with whom you have no relationship, and you did not have a relationship with this woman. There was nothing to “break up.” As for her “rejecting” you, again, just no. If she actually rejected you, she wouldn’t be still talking to you.

    Moxie’s right that if you’re getting this worked up–angry, hurt, confused, and bewildered–over a simple miscommunication over a date, then you have other issues to deal with. You seem to be assuming there’s some sort of relationship here when it doesn’t actually exist. That points to even more issues.

    It’s probably better to walk away from this one, but if you do want to try mending things to start dating this woman, you have to calm the fuck down, gain some maturity quickly, apologize, and don’t overreact again. It may be that you two are made for each other, though possibly not necessarily in a good way.

    Then, it may just be cultural differences that are hampering your communication. So allow me to help with your acclimation to American dating: Dude, just chill out…

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  11. D. Says:

    When you said “Let’s do 3pm on Wednesday” and she responded with “I may have a doctor’s appointment then,” that was NOT an agreement to go out on a date at that time. If she’d said “Yes, I think I can do that” and didn’t show, then yeah, you’d have been stood up. (Which still calls into question whether the circumstances merited the level of vitriol and high dudgeon in your response…) But you didn’t even have set plans.

    Here’s another version.

    “Hey, Marie! How’d you like to get drinks with me on Thursday at Swain’s?”

    “Hi, Dave! That sounds great. What time did you have in mind?”

    “I was thinking, oh, 6:30 or so. I’ll let you know if there’s a problem with that, though.”

    “Oh, I think I have a hair appointment then.”

    Question: Does Dave have a date set?

    Answer: NO. Marie has indicated the time is likely inconvenient for her, even though she’s expressed her interest in meeting at Swain’s on Thursday. Until another time amenable to both parties is established, DAVE HAS NO DATE. If Dave shows up to Swain’s on Thursday at 6:30, then he has no one to blame but himself for having wasted his time.

    Also, if Dave’s time is SO precious that he will, if stood up, vent upon Marie with great vengeance and furious anger, then perhaps Dave should protect his busy schedule by at least confirming the date on Thursday morning. He could even go as far as to shoot her a text just as he’s about to head out, to let her know he’s on his way and will see her soon (although that may be overkill, particularly if she already confirmed earlier).

    But in any case, Dave doesn’t have a date, and neither did you.

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  12. Tinker Says:

    1. He wasn’t stood up
    2. Dude’s reaction was batshit crazy, even if he *had* been stood up
    3. You can’t ‘break up’ with someone you aren’t in a relationship with, let alone someone you’ve never met.
    4. See #2 again… It bears repeating

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