Comment: First and foremost, your website is a God send. I found it while googling an issue I have and find that it hits all the right notes from beginning to end.
So long story semi-short, I messaged a girl on OKC whose profile I liked and also found to be very beautiful. I started with a corny joke, then self depreciating comment, told her why I like her her profile, and then I wrapped it up with a question.
She responded within a day, which is rare and very nice. She went along with my joke, answered my question, and went on to engage me as well. Now this went back and fourth with about 14 messages, 7 from me and 7 from her, all within 6 days.
We responded well to each other, asked and answered different questions, made jokes, and very much engaged each other with great rapport. Now I can’t be sure but at one point it looked like she was signing on just to respond to me… And I’m sure she gets a lot of messages in general.
Then pretty much things fizzled out with no warning. It took her 4 days to respond to my last message, which is fine of course, people get busy for a lot of different reasons. I then responded to that one and since late August that was it.
3 days later I found a typo in that last message and followed it up with a funny correction, and still nothing. Now I should also mention that my friend had recommended I finally ask her out for coffee or lunch, as it was going long, even though it wasn’t even two weeks. But he was right in that we did have enough info on each other and seemed comfortable talking and that it wouldn’t be out of sorts to ask.
So when she didn’t respond to the lunch request and the short correction, I sent a short follow up a full week later. I mentioned something we talked about earlier, and then went onto explain that I didn’t mean to seem like I was rushing things and that if she’d like to keep talking or text that that would be fine. That was over two weeks ago and still nothing.
Now I know this seems like a long story where the answer might simply be that she flaked out, but I’m curious as to your thoughts anyway. And it wasn’t even the message where I asked her to lunch that broke our stride but the one before it.
Anyway, I’m sure there could be a million other reasons. But I’m surprised and obviously disappointed that she didn’t even respond to say why she lost interest. I get that that’s awkward to tell someone, especially someone you were really clicking with, but it’s also just as awkward to stop cold. So your thoughts and or critiques are greatly appreciated.
This woman didn’t lose interest. She was never interested in the first place. She was being polite and nice by responding to your original email and answering your question. I say this because, as I have always maintained, anybody who is willing to drag out their conversations for several days with someone online either isn’t all that interested, pre-occupied with other options, ambivalent or never had any plans to meet anyone from the site to begin with.Another disappointment in my Match experience was that the guys I communicated with would send one message a day, and in that message would be a banal question like, “So why is Fall your favorite season?” Nope. Want to get to know me? Let’s meet. In cases like this, I sense that the guy isn’t assertive enough to ask me out. Which, for me, is an issue since, you know, I’m not exactly submissive. That’s my experience, though. YMMV.
It sounds like this woman was just engaging in polite conversation and eventually got tired of replying to you.
This scenario exemplifies why I suggest to male and female clients NOT to ask questions in their introductory email. My advice to them is to make their initial message brief and succinct and include a very clear directive. Messages should follow this template:
- Open with a brief salutation.
- Tell them that you liked their profile.
- Include a line that refers to something specific in their profile.
- Invite them to take a look at your profile.
- Close by telling them to reply back if they’d like to chat potentially meet up at some point. That’s a clear directive.
Messages should not include:
- Comments about the person’s looks or body.
- Self-depreciating humor.
- Short bios.
I would guess that a large majority of empty e-lationships that people develop with folks they met online are borne of innocuous questions in the original email. They go back and forth for days writing brief and without substance notes and a date is never set. If you and this woman exchanged 14 messages and there was never one mention about meeting, it was because she was not interested. If she were, she would have taken you up on your suggestion to meet or hinted that she wished to take things offline. It sounds to me like she was doing what many people do and passing her time on the internet by answering polite questions.
A few other tips:
- Be assertive. Dilly dallying for a week swapping messages is a time suck and not all that fun.
- Cut your losses quickly. Getting invested in a one dimensional persona on a dating site is not a productive use of your time.
- If someone doesn’t respond to a message, they’re probably not interested or have moved on. It’s fine to follow up once a few days later if the conversation dropped off. But that’s it. More than that and you look desperate.
- If you are going to follow up, don’t use some frivolous excuse like a typo. In most cases, people know the word we intended to use.
- Nobody is going to tell you why they lost interest. Nobody. That’s an unreasonable expectation. And even when we do get responses to such queries, rarely do we get the whole truth.
- If you like someone, ask them out and respond in a timely fashion. This goes for men and women equally. One message per day, to me, doesn’t indicate interest. Especially if plans haven’t been made after the third email or so.
- If you have to constantly be trying to engage them or schedule a date, take that as a hint and fade.
- Screw The Rules of who should ask whom out, etc. However, you can not go wrong if you accept and abide by basic social expectations and guidelines. If you’re having an ongoing conversation with someone via email, a 4 day drop off from the other person is just impolite.
How we interact with people we date or want to date really isn’t any different than how we interact with other people in our lives. For some reason, many people think that there’s a whole secondary set of rules for dating that are actually counter-intuitive to healthy interpersonal interaction.