In a real attempt to try the online dating thing, I talked to this guy for a month before we finally met and we hit off like we knew each other. He was super respectful and kind. It was a great first date. We planned a second date again to be during the day which was also great. We were enjoying each other’s company so much we ended up extending the date into the evening. Dinner,music and conversation and then one thing led to another. I ended up sleeping with him and going to brunch with him the next day. His mom even called while we were eating and he told her about me. He said he wanted to see me again and enjoyed his time with me but he now provides little to no response to me via text or phone. I thought this guy liked me so I seriously put off by the fact that he would be so distant all of the sudden. I don’t understand why a guy put out all this effort, say all these things, tell him mom about me if at the end of the day he was just planning to be a jerk. I feel like I can’t accept that someone would actually do that. What should I do now?
City: Los Angeles
There’s really nothing you can do now except move on.
As I’ve said, time and again now, somebody willing to exchange messages for a month without meeting is suspect to me. This just further supports that suspicion. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there who will say whatever necessary to get what they want. Whether he’s one of those people, I don’t know. But those people exist. That’s why it’s better to not put any stock in gestures like length of dates or how romantic a night was. Our judgment gets clouded when we really like someone. You have to take it one day at a time. Get through one day, then move to this next. Don’t start thinking ten steps ahead. Had a great date? Awesome! Be happy with that for the present moment after that date. You had a good time meeting someone new. We can’t help but getting hopeful and projecting what we think and want on to someone else. That’s where we go wrong. So, next time, just focus on each experience individually until things become more consistent. It’s rare that that instant chemistry we think we feel is real and leads to long-lasting love. In fact, I’d say more often than not, it leads no where. That’s part of the downside of online dating. People move on quickly and they have a lot of options or they haven’t a clue what they want even when it’s right in front of them. You want things to simmer slowly. Trust me.
If you’re writing me this a couple days after you and he had sex, and you’re freaking out, relax. Sometimes people like to set the tone once sex gets involved. They don’t want things to go too fast. But you and he had sex? Yes, I know. To him, that’s not what constitutes fast. If it’s only been a day or two or he’s not as responsive as he used to be, he could just be busy. If a week goes by and you haven’t heard from him, then yes, he’s likely writing you off.
This happens with online dating. You can’t take it personally, even though it’s nearly impossible not to. There could be a bazillion reasons why he bailed. You’re never going to know the truth, so it’s best to do what you can to take it as a lesson learned and move on. What happened to you has happened to every one of us. Contrary to what you believe, some people are just jerks.