Biggest Dating WTF: Why Did They Act So Into Me & Then Fade?

Name: LHdatewtf
:
Comment: Hello,

In a real attempt to try the online dating thing, I talked to this guy for a month before we finally met and we hit off like we knew each other. He was super respectful and kind. It was a great first date.  We planned a second date again to be during the day which was also great. We were enjoying each other’s company so much we ended up extending the date into the evening. Dinner,music and conversation and then one thing led to another. I ended up sleeping with him and going to brunch with him the next day. His mom even called while we were eating and he told her about me. He said he wanted to see me again and enjoyed his time with me but he now provides little to no response to me via text or phone. I thought this guy liked me so I seriously put off by the fact that he would be so distant all of the sudden. I don’t understand why a guy put out all this effort, say all these things, tell him mom about me if at the end of the day he was just planning to be a jerk. I feel like I can’t accept that someone would actually do that. What should I do now?
Age: 24
City: Los Angeles
State: CA

 

There’s really nothing you can do now except move on.

As I’ve said, time and again now, somebody willing to exchange messages for a month without meeting is suspect to me. This just further supports that suspicion. Sadly, there are plenty of people out there who will say whatever necessary to get what they want. Whether he’s one of those people, I don’t know. But those people exist. That’s why it’s better to not put any stock in gestures like length of dates or how romantic a night was. Our judgment gets clouded when we really like someone. You have to take it one day at a time. Get through one day, then move to this next. Don’t start thinking ten steps ahead. Had a great date? Awesome! Be happy with that for the present moment after that date. You had a good time meeting someone new. We can’t help but getting hopeful and projecting what we think and want on to someone else. That’s where we go wrong. So, next time, just focus on each experience individually until things become more consistent. It’s rare that that instant chemistry we think we feel is real and leads to long-lasting love. In fact, I’d say more often than not, it leads no where. That’s part of the downside of online dating. People move on quickly and they have a lot of options or they haven’t a clue what they want even when it’s right in front of them. You want things to simmer slowly. Trust me.

If you’re writing me this a couple days after you and he had sex, and you’re freaking out, relax. Sometimes people like to set the tone once sex gets involved. They don’t want things to go too fast. But you and he had sex? Yes, I know. To him, that’s not what constitutes fast. If it’s only been a day or two or he’s not as responsive as he used to be, he could just be busy. If a week goes by and you haven’t heard from him, then yes, he’s likely writing you off.

This happens with online dating. You can’t take it personally, even though it’s nearly impossible not to. There could be a bazillion reasons why he bailed. You’re never going to know the truth, so it’s best to do what you can to take it as a lesson learned and move on. What happened to you has happened to every one of us. Contrary to what you believe, some people are just jerks.

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24 Responses to “Biggest Dating WTF: Why Did They Act So Into Me & Then Fade?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I don’t understand why a guy put out all this effort”

    What effort? He took a call from his mom? Wow, what a sacrifice.

    It seems to me that you’re projecting your “good date” on to him when, in reality, you have no idea what he thought or what motivated him. The very skill set that makes a person a “good date” is their ability to make their dates feel comfortable and interested. Some people can’t help but be attractive and other have to work at it. It’s very possible that he made no effort at all – he was just being himself, like he was with all people/women, and you interpreted it as some special effort he was making for you, or because he was really, really interested in you. To make matters worse, a guy like that has tons of options.

    “We planned a second date again to be during the day which was also great. We were enjoying each other’s company so much we ended up extending the date into the evening.”

    Okay, so as an experienced dater, I can tell you that the afternoon-date-oh-we’re-having-so-much-fun-let’s-keep-going–wait-I’ll-cancel-my-“other plans” is a common scenario for orchestrating a hook up. By the time you get to evening hours, you feel like you’ve known each other forever, right? This is often deliberate. I’ve certainly done it. Again, that spontaneity you felt was most likely in your own mind.

    Bottom line: Guys are generally looking for sex. They will do all kinds of crazy shit to get it. They will have sex with you even if they don’t really like you all that much. It’s just a fact of life. Adapt accordingly.

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    • Howard Says:

      Pretty harsh response, but good. It really touches in on the concept of adaptation, which in the end is the best immediate solution. The catch phrase, “Adapt or Perish” comes to mind.

      But more than adaptation, we do make the mistake of missing obvious clues. Hotness drives the day. We all have our own mental frames of what hotness we desire. For some guys it’s tits or ass or pretty or long legs or popularity. For some girls it’s tall or swag or clothes or car or money or fame. We go into fantasy land, and too soon, start imagining things we shouldn’t be imagining.

      Good relationships take time. Some women screw themselves by imagining sex can do an end run around the time and effort that is always necessary. That type of thinking flows straight out of the “the golden vagina” mindset. And shutting down the sex spigot wouldn’t work. We have beaten that to death on this board and many others. A woman would lose her competitive advantage, and besides, she too likes sex anyway, so why punish herself for a misguided solution.

      My advice to the OP, is to recognize that relationship building takes time. If sex happens early, it doesn’t mean the the relationship suddenly shifts into the super-high gear. It can certainly provide some impetus, but not anything like you are imagining.

      Sex is really important for men, and definitely a part of their decision making process, when it comes to deciding long-term. Some guys decide after sex, that a woman does not measure up in this department. Most guys do have ridiculous expectations; we are indeed very guilty in this department. Blame it on porn or our culture of having it all.

      I often prescribe serious sex education for women and men when it comes to pleasing the opposite sex and oneself. There is a real disconnect in our society, where sex is so important, but everyone foolishly assumes it just comes naturally. That might have worked a thousand years ago, where we had lower expectations.

      Contrary to overworked imaginations about having to practice live, one can learn a lot from reading and viewing videos. There are even classes. Nothing is wrong with a blowjob class where you practice on a small cucumber. That lap dance class or learning to twerk can come in very handy. For guys, stop being so freaking selfish. We too need a lot of help here.

      Getting back to the topic of the day and the OP. You are going to have to take the chance sometime with a guy. He is going to like the way you sex or not. It doesn’t matter how much you try to avoid, you will face this gauntlet with some man at some time. And guess what, that’s just a part of it. He has at least two other things that matter. Can he imagine himself spending a lot of time with you, like the rest of his life, given your way of communicating, your energy, the way you stroke his ego? Thirdly, are you acceptable to whomever he imagines in his puny head, you have to be acceptable to, like his mom or siblings or friends or co-workers?

      We men are indeed tough nuts. We have a way of doing this decision making process after the sex. So the longer you delay the sex, the longer you delay us getting around to making decisions on these two issues. We seem to suspend all of it until the sex happens. We are duly making note of all that happens, as we communicate or you meet the people in our lives, but we make no decision about any of that, until the sex. If the sex is amazing, you can blur things for us in these two departments. The question is, do you really want to do that and wind up in divorce court with us five years later?

      Crikes. We have become too complicated. I am not even going to get into the gate-keeping list that women have. Doing the men’s list made me tired enough.

      We can blame much of that on

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 16 Thumb down 15

    • Hard ache Says:

      And women like relationships and will do all kinds of crazy shit to get it, including prolonging am afternoon date. :-)

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 8

  2. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I’ve never met a guy’s mother during the first week and had the relationship work out. It’s not a matter of this being some kind of “don’t meet the mother on the first date” rule. It’s just that it doesn’t mean anything. He was going about his normal business, which just so happened to include his mom on that particular day.

    I take a softer approach than DMN does to the rest of the date, especially considering your age. Yes, the fade is common, but that doesn’t mean it’s right or cool, especially if the guy said he’d call. If you get in touch and he acts like you’re unreasonable, don’t play into it. He knows that he led you on, and he’s nothing short of a liar if he acts like he doesn’t know why you’d have expectations. The solution is not to reason with him but to accept that he lied to you and move on.

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  3. noquay Says:

    A month is tooooo long before meeting. This dude wanted to use you for sex. He had to either tell mommy about the other person present in the room or not answer. What he told her was probably meant to be overheard by you, another ploy to get you in the sack. Blow him off, eh?

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  4. GI_JANE Says:

    People Lie.

    Especially men. They can fake a whole relationship – that is until they get what they want from you (sex), or until what they REALLY want comes along (and you were just a placeholder to fill the void.)

    A wise woman once said a return on an investment is rare.

    http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/07/24/dating-reality-a-return-on-investment-is-rare/

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 17 Thumb down 11

    • Ken Besig Says:

      When I was considerably younger, I used to be that way with women. At the time I felt like I was cool and sharp, but after I grew up and had a family, I can see what a jerk I really was. But that male use ‘em and drop ‘em seems to be hard wired into men, even supposedly mature and considerate men, we think with our genitals and damn the consequences to our women partners. I disagree that what we men do in these situations is a lie, it’s just what we are.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 25

      • AnnieNonymous Says:

        You’re a liar if you say you’re going to call and you don’t. Don’t pass the buck or try to seem cool by acting like you just couldn’t help it. It’s just the way men are? So men are hardwired to lie? Do what you want, but don’t tell a girl you’ll call her if you know you won’t. You don’t get to deliberately use a girl for sex and then absolve yourself of any guilt. You deserve to feel bad if you knowingly lie to someone. I don’t understand the point in arguing with that.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          I’m as compassionate and sensitive as the next guy but the purpose of my commentary is never to allocate moral responsibility for various things. The Internet is uniquely the wrong venue for such a discussion, anyway, in my opinion. So, whether a guy should feel bad is irrelevant since we’re giving advice to an apparently vey young and inexperienced woman.

          For similar reasons, I don’t fully understand the point of analyzing whether the guy did it on purpose. This is not the first grade playground. I assume that people, including grown men, are aware of themselves, their intentions, and the consequences of their statements and actions. If they say “I’ll call you,” and don’t, sure I’m comfortable drawing the conclusion that they “lied.” So? We all agree that liars exist, whether we like it or not. The only question is what one does with that knowledge.

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          • AnnieNonymous Says:

            When I talk about this particular topic, I’m extending it to the point where women end up – wondering if they should make a last ditch effort to call the guy. I always say sure, since a guy that likes you wants to talk to you, and you lose nothing by seeming weird or annoying to a guy who wasn’t planning on calling anyway. The problem (to me, at least) arises when men treat women like they’re crazy or clingy for calling. Yes, I understand the mechanism for not calling, but if you said you would call a woman and she tries to talk to you, then you really should sack up and tell her that you don’t want to see her again.

            I disagree with the supposed irrelevance of responsibility and intent. I don’t think it’s helpful or even healthy to promote the idea that people shouldn’t be held accountable for how they treat others. The girl who wrote to this site had sex with a guy who said he’d call her and still hasn’t. If she decides to call him, he owes her some honesty. There are few things I despise more than men who think they can do whatever they want and while expecting women to be nice to them. Just because something wasn’t planned or was accidental doesn’t mean that you don’t have to deal with the fallout from something that you nonetheless persisted in doing. We’re talking relationships here. Why on earth would feelings not matter?

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            “There are few things I despise more than men who think they can do whatever they want and while expecting women to be nice to them. ”

            Of course, and I’m not advocating that. I expect women to do what is in their best interest, not mine. At least until we have some basis for higher expectations. Certainly not a few dates. And I wish someone had explained to me when I was 24 that people, including women, are prone to lying and manipulation and things are usually not what they seem. Not that I would have taken that good advice back then – most likely the OP won’t either.

            As for advice regarding sex on the first date, this story illustrates precisely why that’s the wrong focus. Why? Because they didn’t have sex on the first date. Yet she still fell into a trap. Do you think it would have been different for her if she waited until the third date and he did the same thing? Or the fourth? I guess my view on that is that you can’t avoid the harsh realities of human nature by rules like avoiding first date sex. Never too young to learn that, in my opinion.

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          • Julie Says:

            I totally agree with what driving me nuts is saying up to the point of saying that the problem here wasnt first date sex. Truth is, and I realize that this is an unpopular opinion, most lukewarm guys (and women!) are simply not going to stick around for very long when they arent getting what they want. Its a tougher call with manipulators because they may stick around just for the game/challenge but those are fewer and farther between then simple opportunists. I can only speak from personal experience, but no one has slept with me and done the fade. I’ve been faded on plenty! The recent faders were all guys who in retrospect lost interest very quickly and saw no long term potential in me anyway and were in it strictly for the physical attraction.

            So if you are the type for whom it is important that the guy stick around after sex (and no there are no garauntees in life of anything EVER but) you can increase the odds by getting to know a person first before you put your trust in them. It really is that simple. Know them before you trust them.

            Of course I’m not suggesting that everyone do this. If you can enjoy sex without all of the emotional hang ups, then by all means do. If you can’t, then don’t.

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        • Julie Says:

          Well, thats a bit harsh. I would say you are a liar or manipulator when you are willing to do or say anything (as moxie mentioned) to get what you want with no concern to your “victim”. Saying you will call and then not calling could be a person who simply changed their mind.

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          • AnnieNonymous Says:

            Then we need to contend with all of the men here (and to some extent, Moxie) who think that women shouldn’t have rules against sex on the first date. Men can’t have it both ways. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to present first date sex as the norm, you should make the stinking phone call.

            We also have to acknowledge the effect of age differences here. Not that this girl was likely a virgin, but I cringe a bit at the idea of single middle-aged men dispensing sex advice to young women. Every girl deserves to lose her virginity to and have a few follow-up sexual encounters with someone who’s willing to call her. This girl was young and not very experienced, and now men who are old enough to be her father are telling her that they’d have acted the way that guy did. It just doesn’t track with me.

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    • CoolDude Says:

      Oh stop. PEOPLE lie (not just men). Both genders are guilty of this in various ways. Can we cut it out with the cliche “Men lie just to get what they want” nonsense?

      Also, not saying this guy is a saint, but he might have hung out with this girl a few times and just not been all that into her but was willing to stick around for the sex. Also, she never seems to mention in her note if she actually liked him or was just upset that her ego was a bit bruised.

      Again, guy sounds like a dick but this is another person playing the typical “victim” role (and, no, before you ask, it’s not only women who do play this card, men do this as well).

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 13

      • Julie Says:

        Cool Dude, seriously? Do you think women sit around trying to figure out why a guy they didnt like didnt call? Its a blessing when a guy you dont like doesnt call because you dont have to reject him! Of course she liked him!

        As for playing the victim role, the guy acted more interested than he was to intentionally mislead this girl. How would you feel if you were unemployed and I suggested we get together so I could tell you about a “job opportunity you would be perfect for” just to get you to buy me lunch? Would you call your anger and hurt over this “playing victim”?

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        • CoolDude Says:

          “Do you think women sit around trying to figure out why a guy they didnt like didnt call? Its a blessing when a guy you dont like doesnt call because you dont have to reject him! Of course she liked him!”

          Fair enough. I just don’t see how this is a unique question. People date a few times, one doesn’t like another and decides to blow them off/not go out with them. Both women and men do this all the time. After age 20, I’m not sure why people are surprised by this.

          “how would you feel if you were unemployed and I suggested we get together so I could tell you about a “job opportunity you would be perfect for” just to get you to buy me lunch? Would you call your anger and hurt over this “playing victim”?”

          Never heard of a job interview where I had to buy someone lunch but I’ve been on job interviews where they probably weren’t interested in me to begin with. I chalk that up to life.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 9

          • Julie Says:

            “Fair enough. I just don’t see how this is a unique question. People date a few times, one doesn’t like another and decides to blow them off/not go out with them. Both women and men do this all the time. After age 20, I’m not sure why people are surprised by this.”

            True. Its always hard to swallow when you feel like you got very positive signals. Dating is just confusing and difficult for many of us I suppose.

            “Never heard of a job interview where I had to buy someone lunch but I’ve been on job interviews where they probably weren’t interested in me to begin with. I chalk that up to life.”

            It was just an analogy. And its not a job interview, I’m refering to a networking opportunity. I’ve certainly bought people lunch/dinner/coffee when meeting for a networking opportunity. My point is when you show up for something with the promise of opportunity and are invited to make a personal investment, its cruel when the person making the offer is doing it out of deception (if that was in fact the case here).

            As for being baited and switched when it came to job opportunities, used to happen to me regularly in my younger days while working in a predominantly male profession. Guys used to offer me all sorts of job opportunities just to get my phone number then would call me up and ask me out. I even had this clown I met at a conference from microsoft suggest we meet to discuss several positions that needed to be filled. So I spent a week reading everything about Master Data Management AND took time off from work. Jerk had nothing! He wasnt even the hiring manager! This was just his idiotic attempt at getting laid. And needless to say, I was pissed! And this was by no means the level of personal investment the OP committed.

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    • Kurt Says:

      There was no relationship in the OP’s scenario! They only went out two times. If she thought that they had a relationship, she was just deluding herself.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

  5. D. Says:

    Sometimes it’s out-and-out lying where one party says “I’ll call you,” fully intending NOT to call ever again. In my experience, though, that sort of thing is usually chalked up to interest in the moment, but which fades after the date for whatever reason.

    Example: you go out, and have a perfectly lovely time, at the end of which you say “I’ll give you a call” or “This was fun, we should do it again.” Or both. Two days later, you realize you’ve forgotten to call, and start thinking about it. Maybe you just didn’t feel any major “oomph” even though the date was pleasant enough. Maybe you meet someone in whom you’re more interested. Maybe, try as you might, you just can’t overlook that dead tooth or the way they pronounce “library” like “liberry.”

    Do you still owe them a call just to tell them you aren’t interested? “Hi, it’s Steve. Listen, I wanted to give you a call to say that I’m not gonna give you a call again. Bye!” Seems kind of pointless, no? Particularly if it’s only been a few dates and you’re still getting to know each other. Or at least, that’s the thought process.

    My main point is that it’s not necessarily as if the guy goes into the equation intending to be Dick Dastardly. Rather, he’s just going with what he feels in the moment, perhaps without a ton of regard for the other person’s feelings in the process.

    However, let’s be clear — women do this, too. The “Well, I was into it IN THE MOMENT, but then the moment passed…” thing is universal, I think. It happens to everyone at some point if you date long enough. I’m sure any of the guys here have had a woman say something like “Sure, I’d love to get together again,” only to call and never hear back from her. It’s usually not out of malice, but rather awkwardness in the moment or a loss of interest after the moment passes.

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    • Julie Says:

      Absolutely true!! After sleeping on it, a “maybe” can turn into either a “yes” or a “no”.

      Its hard to imagine a guy spending nearly a full 24 hours with someone he was lukewarm on, but who knows. I’m not in his head.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      • D. Says:

        Eh, it’s not that hard. Maybe the day started great, and by hour 20 he was just DONE with this girl or whathaveyou. Or maybe he was just bored and killing time. Or maybe the whole time he was saying to himself “This girl is objectively great. She has everything I want. Why don’t I feel a spark with her?! Maybe if I just hang in, it’ll improve…”

        Or, most likely, he was just enjoying the day, didn’t feel like ending it, but wasn’t all that into her. I realize this seems counter-intuitive, but I tend to think a LOT of people do this. They aren’t thinking multiple steps ahead. They aren’t pondering how someone’s going to interpret their actions. They aren’t saying to themselves “Wait a minute…if I suggest that we keep this date going, is she going to think that I want a relationship?” They’re living in the moment, and that’s it.

        Something else that folks need to bear in mind is Moxie’s “It means nothing until it means everything” adage. It’s very easy to get hung up on the gestures that are involved in dating. “But we went out for 24 hours!” Ok, and? If the emotional content wasn’t there for him, then does it really matter how long you were out for? Nope. Not a bit. He could’ve been bored and killing time or procrastinating cleaning his apartment.

        Gestures count only when they’re backed by real emotion, and it’s rare that such a thing happens THAT early on to quite the degree that people often think based on the gesture alone. I mean, it CAN happen, but a lot of times, it’s not based on all that much, or it’s based on a false reading of the situation or the person.

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  6. Keshia Says:

    Here’s the thing about this: A month may be too long before meeting but at the same time it could give a woman insight on what the man actually wants, which is sex. A woman can gather a lot, in my opinion, from the words he uses and the way he talks to her either by email or, if it gets that far, by phone. When he meets her and realizes as the night goes on “oh s*** I gotta work really hard to keep her? F*** that noise!” then that’s when he makes the best of the night, knowing that (if she respect herself enough not to sleep with a man on the first date) she probably ain’t giving it up that quick. I echo everyone else on here: Move on, he isn’t worth wasting your energy thinking about what could have been, which may have been more trouble than you needed. Guys like him are assholes, plain and simple and the way I see it, I already have an asshole that was born with me, I don’t need another one in my life taking up more space thank you very much!

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  7. Yvonne Says:

    Who knows what happened with this guy? You may well hear from him yet. If he’s around your age, it may also be that he’s not ready for a more serious relationship, and is just dating around. If he wants space, give him plenty of it, and if you are looking for a more serious relationship, take things a little more slowly. That means avoiding second dates that last for hours and hours, and waiting longer for sex if you’re going to be hurt if a man bails on you afterwards.

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