Name: Cool Girl
Question: Love your site, I’ve gotten a lot of great advice from it!
I’ve been dating a 40 yo guy I met on OKC for about three months. Things are going really well and we have a great time when we see each other, had a few overnight mini-vacations already. We only see each other once a week, because he works nights on the weekends. I’d like to see him more often, and for us to both get off OKC, but I don’t want to ruin my “cool girl” cred by bringing up the relationship talk. Any tips on how to do this while balancing getting my needs met and not coming across as a scary clingy chick? I’m breezy! (Extra points for the Friends reference?)
State: CA – California
You can’t say you’re breezy! That negates the breeziness! Oh, Joey. Such pearls of wisdom.
Here’s the thing about being the cool girl. You can’t say you’re the cool girl. If you have to say it then you’re not. It’s understandable that you want to see this guy more, but you got involved with him knowing what his schedule was like. I have a friend who manages a fairly upscale Manhattan restaurant. Like your guy, he works nights and weekends. Every woman he dates eventually gets fed up with his schedule and issues the ultimatum or just gives up. There are just some people out there with out of whack schedules and lifestyles that make them tricky to date. There is always something that makes people a bit more tricky to date. Maybe they have a dog, or kids or a wonky work schedule. It’s rarely ever smooth sailing from the get go. Couples who get past the rough patches in the beginning are usually the ones who have long term possibility. In the beginning, sometimes you just have to suck it up for a bit.
You sound like you’re planning this relationship without really considering what exactly he can offer. Switching a schedule sometimes just isn’t possible. You also need to accept that maybe this is all he wants to give at this point. Maybe he doesn’t want to switch his schedule.
You won’t know, of course, until you ask him. Which is what you need to do. The wost he can say is no. And if he does, then you need to know going in to that conversation what you’ll accept.
The reason why so many implode at this juncture in a relationship is because they aren’t able to be objective and see the complete picture. Everything is filtered through their perception of events. I think the best way to approach this is to ask him why his schedule is the way it is. Is it a work requirement? Is he low man on the totem pole? Is he trying to work towards a promotion? First figure out why he has the schedule he has and if it is by choice or not.
You might also wish to take baby steps here. Maybe start with proposing that you both take your profiles down. That doesn’t require much effort from him. If he has the limited time that he says, he’s probably not dating anyone. Get through that step and then attempt to up the ante a bit by getting an extra night here and there from him. By bringing up your intention to take down your profile, you could end up opening up the conversation about seeing each other more.