Name: Hopeless in Houston
Comment: Hi Moxie,
I have a quick question I want to run by you and the other readers. In the past month I met two men who contacted me via OKCupid. The first guy I dated at the beginning of August, we went out 3 times in a 1.5 week period before he called it off due to lack of a “spark”. Thats fine, he wanted to remain friends and still go out but I’m not looking for a man friend so I declined. The second guy went out with me 3 times in one week and just faded. I was disappointed but c’est la vie. However, I can’t help but wonder if going out 3 times in one week contributed to both outcomes.
Is there a limit to how many times a week you should see someone new?
**Both guys were good-looking, a little older (32 and 26), great jobs. I didn’t sleep with either of them but had a few make-out sessions with the second guy.**
I don’t think the frequency of the dates had much to do with it. 3 dates in 10 days isn’t that extreme. When the connection and attraction is there, nothing really matters. If things flame out quick, they were probably going to flame out eventually.
Now, 3 dates in 7 days? Yes, that seems a bit ambitious to me. Someone with that kind of availability would set off my warning bells. They’re either eager to move things along to get laid, have little going on in their life which could mean they’ll get clingy quickly or they’re the type that crashes and burns.
The real red flag for me in this story is that the first guy wanted to remain friends and still hang out. He may have just been being polite or trying to soften the blow. Or he was looking for something casual all along and only presented himself as looking for more in his profile in order to get dates. Most people don’t mean it when they say they want to remain friends with someone they briefly dated. If they do pursue “friendship” after a few dates, then that’s fishy to me. That makes me think they’re just trying to redefine the boundaries of the relationship.
It sounds to me like both of these guys were probably in it for the sex or have a 3 Date Rule. If the sexy time does not occur, they bail. Some guys do that. That’s their thing. It doesn’t have to be yours. If you know that you did what you could to show interest and appreciation, and you know you didn’t use the promise of sex to keep them interested, then you probably dodged a bullet.
You’re questioning yourself and wondering what you did wrong. You may not have done anything wrong. This is dating. People fade, or they stop replying to messages or they tell you they’re not interested in taking things further. All of this happens to everybody until it doesn’t. You just have to keep at it until you meet that one person who sticks around.