Comment: I don’t even know where to start. I’m 23 and never been in a relationship.. not even one of those one week high school or primary school crushes. For the past two years, I’ve dated two guys. The first was my boss who turned into more drama than it was worth and we are now very good friends – the second was a guy who I thought I got along with incredibly well thus, he turned around on about the 3rd date and said something along the lines of “You seem like the sort of woman who can handle honesty. I don’t think I see us going anywhere because you’re much too intelligent and opinionated.” Yes, I’ve worked hard to get where I am. And yes mate, I have a brain.
After that, it was hard not to internalise how much of a failure my love life is.
I’m confident and driven in every aspect of my life but my love life… I let the male take control as in ask me out, initiate just about everything etc, etc. Anyway I met this attractive gentleman at the gym, we began talking a fair bit but he seemed not as outgoing as me. One day he came in with a couple of his friends and one asked for my number whilst the two others were in another room. I obliged and he began texting me asking to come out with all the boys. I declined and said “Honestly, I’m into your friend John – not you.” He gave me John’s number and told me to “go easy on him. He’s a gentle soul.”
I texted John, something that took much convincing on behalf of my girlfriends. He said he’d want to go for coffee then a movie. We did. I had to initiate all affection. He was shy. I loved it! He was ridiculously intelligent but not pushy in a sexual way. Second date, we slept together. Third date, we hung out and it was lovely. He said he just wanted to hang out and he was affectionate etc.
His work has him incredibly busy and I knew that from the beginning. Anyway he went away for a week for work and I heard nothing from him. I left it. I knew he would be busy. He gets back and messages me saying
“Back from (where he went), it was a hectic week. I now have 15 hour days every day this week plus a thesis due Monday. After that I’ll be around though.”
I saw him at the gym, he was lovely, chatting away. That was Monday two weeks ago. I messaged him last Thursday asking hoe his thesis was coming along and I then messaged him last night asking him what he was doing? He replies “working. sorry.”
What on earth have I done?! I’m definitely not in love with him but I am ridiculously curious about him. I was counting on getting to know each other because we I felt we barely did that… Did we have sex too soon?
I don’t understand dating!
What you did was disregard the cue he was giving you. He told you that he was going to be consumed with work and wasn’t going to be available. While you’ll probably say that you were just checking in on him or whatnot, to him it probably felt like you were taking his temperature to some degree. He was trying to ask you to give him some space while he dealt with more pressing issues. This situation is similar to the letter from the woman who was dating the men who popped in on her guy one night while he was with his kids. He told her he would be unavailable due to spending time with his children. When someone makes it a point to tell you they will be unavailable or busy, they’re doing so for a reason. Usually it’s because they’re feeling a bit..smothered. Or pressured. They’re anticipating push back if you ask to get together and they tell you they can’t see you for whatever reason. Basically, they’re cutting you off at the pass before you can ask to avoid conflict.
A lot of times we know exactly what they are saying. So we push. In cases like that, where you know on an instinctual level that they’re probably trying to send you a message, listen. Don’t try to disprove that gnawing fear, as it will only end up blowing up in your face.
Before you ask why he didn’t just come out and tell you that he needed radio silence, re-read your letter. That’s why many men choose to dance around what it is they actually mean. They know, and they’re right in this thought, that many women will read something into the statement that maybe isn’t there. There are times, of course, where there is more to the story. But this guy didn’t give you any reason to suspect that he was fading up to this point. Had he been flakey before hand then I could understand why you’re freaking out. But as it stands, it sounds to me like this is a guy with a jammed schedule and he needs to date someone who gets that and accepts that. Sadly, you failed the test.
That doesn’t mean you can’t rebound, though. Just give him his space. Don’t contact him again. Let him take the initiative. He got in touch with you after his trip, which is a good thing. If he wants to see you again or continue dating you, he’ll follow up.