How Come Some Men Speak In Code?

September 30th, 2013

Dating Skills, Men & Communication, NEW!

Name: NaomiMENQUES
Comment: I don’t even know where to start. I’m 23 and never been in a relationship.. not even one of those one week high school or primary school crushes. For the past two years, I’ve dated two guys. The first was my boss who turned into more drama than it was worth and we are now very good friends –  the second was a guy who I thought I got along with incredibly well thus, he turned around on about the 3rd date and said something along the lines of “You seem like the sort of woman who can handle honesty. I don’t think I see us going anywhere because you’re much too intelligent and opinionated.” Yes, I’ve worked hard to get where I am. And yes mate, I have a brain.

After that, it was hard not to internalise how much of a failure my love life is.
I’m confident and driven in every aspect of my life but my love life… I let the male take control as in ask me out, initiate just about everything etc, etc. Anyway I met this attractive gentleman at the gym, we began talking a fair bit but he seemed not as outgoing as me. One day he came in with a couple of his friends and one asked for my number whilst the two others were in another room. I obliged and he began texting me asking to come out with all the boys. I declined and said “Honestly, I’m into your friend John – not you.” He gave me John’s number and told me to “go easy on him. He’s a gentle soul.”
I texted John, something that took much convincing on behalf of my girlfriends. He said he’d want to go for coffee then a movie. We did. I had to initiate all affection. He was shy. I loved it! He was ridiculously intelligent but not pushy in a sexual way. Second date, we slept together. Third date, we hung out and it was lovely. He said he just wanted to hang out and he was affectionate etc.
His work has him incredibly busy and I knew that from the beginning. Anyway he went away for a week for work and I heard nothing from him. I left it. I knew he would be busy. He gets back and messages me saying
“Back from (where he went), it was a hectic week. I now have 15 hour days every day this week plus a thesis due Monday. After that I’ll be around though.”
I saw him at the gym, he was lovely, chatting away. That was Monday two weeks ago. I messaged him last Thursday asking hoe his thesis was coming along and I then messaged him last night asking him what he was doing? He replies “working. sorry.”

What on earth have I done?! I’m definitely not in love with him but I am ridiculously curious about him. I was counting on getting to know each other because we I felt we barely did that… Did we have sex too soon?
I don’t understand dating!
Age: 23
City: FNQ
State: Queensland


What you did was disregard the cue he was giving you. He told you that he was going to be consumed with work and wasn’t going to be available. While you’ll probably say that you were just checking in on him or whatnot, to him it probably felt like you were taking his temperature to some degree. He was trying to ask you to give him some space while he dealt with more pressing issues. This situation is similar to the letter from the woman who was dating the men who popped in on her guy one night while he was with his kids. He told her he would be unavailable due to spending time with his children. When someone makes it a point to tell you they will be unavailable or busy, they’re doing so for a reason. Usually it’s because they’re feeling a bit..smothered. Or pressured. They’re anticipating push back if you ask to get together and they tell you they can’t see you for whatever reason. Basically, they’re cutting you off at the pass before you can ask to avoid conflict.

A lot of times we know exactly what they are saying. So we push. In cases like that, where you know on an instinctual level that they’re probably trying to send you a message, listen. Don’t try to disprove that gnawing fear, as it will only end up blowing up in your face.

Before you ask why he didn’t just come out and tell you that he needed radio silence, re-read your letter. That’s why many men choose to dance around what it is they actually mean. They know, and they’re right in this thought, that many women will read something into the statement that maybe isn’t there. There are times, of course, where there is more to the story. But this guy didn’t give you any reason to suspect that he was fading up to this point. Had he been flakey before hand then I could understand why you’re freaking out. But as it stands, it sounds to me like this is a guy with a jammed schedule and he needs to date someone who gets that and accepts that. Sadly, you failed the test.

That doesn’t mean you can’t rebound, though. Just give him his space. Don’t contact him again. Let him take the initiative. He got in touch with you after his trip, which is a good thing. If he wants to see you again or continue dating you, he’ll follow up.



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8 Responses to “How Come Some Men Speak In Code?”

  1. AnnieNonymous Says:

    She made some blunders that are typical of her age, so there’s nothing to criticize here. Hopefully she learns her lesson the first time. She should have gone out with the whole group when she was invited instead of trying to force a one-on-one situation with the specific guy she liked. Few things force a guy into action quite like seeing a girl he likes flirting with his friend. She might also need to soften the edges on her “confidence” and “opinions.” Sarcasm does NOT play well when you’re just getting to know a guy. If you’re smart, he’ll pick up on it without you beating him over the head with it. A guy who is legitimately in grad school while holding down a full-time job isn’t blowing a girl off when he says he’s busy. Send cute texts every few weeks (Nothing too intense) just to let him know you’re still interested. He’s writing his thesis, so he’ll be done with school and have more free time soon.

    • The D-man Says:

      Few things force a guy into action quite like seeing a girl he likes flirting with his friend.

      I think you’re referring to women. If I see a girl flirting with a friend of mine, I’m going to be hands-off and try to set it up so he can be alone with her. Trying to win a girl away from a friend violates the basic rule of bros before hoes.

    • jane Says:

      I don’t think “group dating” is effective at all. She knew she was interested in the one guy and went for it. No fault at all in that. If she went with the group she’d just be prolonging things trying to get to the point where she can get to date him one on one. It’s probably better that she did it this way but now she needs to take the hint. He was initially interested enough to date her but isn’t that interested anymore.

  2. Bogey44 Says:

    Yeah, I have to say he was pretty upfront about everything. He basically said I have a lot going on this week, but I’ll have more time next week. That’s pretty simple. He didn’t fade with no explanation, he wasn’t unfair in conveying availability when he really had none, and he stated (albeit in not the most direct way) his interest. “After that I’ll be around though,” wouldn’t have been included if he didn’t want to see you again.

    Dating is hard for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you have a ton of experience or none at all. That being said, you can mitigate some of your difficulties by just not over thinking things. More often than not things are what they appear. If someone tells you they don’t have time right now, but they’ll be around later it means just that. If someone is less than receptive to your advances then they aren’t interested and it’s time to cut your losses and move on. Sure there will be people that try to deceive you, but for the most part the issues and stumbling blocks you come upon are of your own making; reading into things that aren’t there, finding fault where there is none, etc.

  3. The D-man Says:

    On the “too opinionated” thing, I could see that being a turn-off. I dated a girl like that in my twenties and our mutually strong opinions were a bad recipe for lots of loud arguments, something that had never happened in any of my prior relationships. Since then I’ve learned to moderate my own opinions and stay away from women (and people, really) who feel the need to bend external reality to their limited view of the world.

  4. Crotch Rocket Says:

    you’re much too intelligent and opinionated.
    I should point out that these things are not compliments, the former in this context and the latter ever. This is a not-so-subtle hint that your social skills could use some work. What is acceptable with friends who know you (and presumably have similar personalities) may not be with a stranger, e.g. in the early stages of dating. Don’t change who you are, just turn down the volume until you see if they like the music.

    I obliged and he began texting me asking to come out with all the boys. I declined and said “Honestly, I’m into your friend John – not you.”
    What is often presented as “refreshingly honest” is really blunt and/or rude. Guys do have feelings as well, even if we are socialized to hide them from others. You also threw away a chance to hang out with “John”, get to know him better and let him see you’re interested in a low-pressure setting. (Note: this does not work with the sexes reversed because female group behavior has a totally different dynamic.)

    What on earth have I done?! … I was counting on getting to know each other because we I felt we barely did that… Did we have sex too soon?
    Granted, I’ve got nothing against having sex early on, but it does sound like you had sex too early for you. I’m sure he didn’t have a problem with it. You’re just getting clingy because you (like most women) assumed that the sex moved your “relationship” forward and entitled you to certain expectations, e.g. regarding his availability. It doesn’t.

  5. LostSailor Says:

    I don’t understand dating!

    Well that much is clear. Having never had a romantic relationship, let alone a dating relationship. Moxie is quite right: you repeatedly say that you knew that he was incredibly busy and are now somehow surprised that he’s actually busy.

    But, as others have noted, there may be more going on here. You say you’re confident and driven; others say your opinionated. There’s a correlation there that your driven confidence comes across as overly aggressive.

    And here’s where it evidenced itself. You were warned that John was a shy “gentle soul.” Why would his friend warn you like this? Likely because he thought you come on too strong. Initiating the first contact isn’t necessarily a bad thing but this–I had to initiate all the affection. [on a first date] He was shy. I loved it! He was…not pushy in a sexual way. Second date, we slept together–is different.

    Naomi, do you see the disconnect here? I have to disagree with Crotch Rocket; I think you did have sex too soon, at least with John. I think John’s friend would have been fine with it, but I think you pushed too fast, too soon with John. One of the keys is he didn’t want to have sex on the third date, just hang out. Best bet: contact him again and tell him you understand that he’s busy but that you’d like to see him again to hang out. And when (or if) you do, dial it back a bit, shelia!

    It’s not that you don’t understand dating, you don’t really understand men and you seem pretty poor at reading social cues…

  6. Tinker Says:

    It’s not entirely clear from her letter, but it looks like she didn’t contact him until after he said he’d ‘be around ‘ again. Clearly something went wrong here but was she really ‘pushy’?

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