The Number #1 Reason Why A Guy Fades Is ….

Name: Janellelaptopconfused

Comment: I’ve been dating a guy for 7 weeks. It’s moved incredibly slowly. We saw each other once a week, a week night, for the first 5 weeks. He would walk me home, kiss me goodbye. Complete gentleman. To the point I thought there was no chemistry! Then on our 5th date he said he was thinking of going away for the weekend, would go by himself, but if I wanted to come, no expectations, he’d be a complete gentleman. I decided to bite the bullet and go.

We actually had an amazing weekend, discovered we had a lot in common, and there was chemistry. But we didn’t sleep together – discussed it on the 2nd night and agreed we didn’t want to the first time drunk (it was about 2am at this point!), so would wait a bit.
This was two weeks ago. I presumed the weekend away would progress things, since it went so well. We’ve only seen each other twice, briefly, since we got back. Last time we went out, he talked about having me over to his place. But when I suggested we get together on the weekend, he said he would be upstate hiking on the Saturday, and might be too tired from his trip on Sunday……and I haven’t heard from him since!!

Now before we went away, communication was very sporadic. He would get in touch to arrange a date, but we would never chit chat in between, and I might not hear from him for 5 days. I know he’s really busy, he runs 3 businesses, and he also likes his alone time. He also said he has not really dated since his relationship ended a year ago.

But I’m left wondering if I will even hear from him again. I’m pretty sure if I text him, he’ll reply. But since he shot my weekend suggestion down, I dont want to chase. But it’s now been 5 days!

I feel like he is either dating someone else and keeping me on the sideline (I have no idea if he went away by himself or with a friend or a girl…), or really just isn’t ready for anything…or just a bit dating inept?

We are in our 30s, it shouldn’t be this hard?? What do I do??
Age: 34
City: New York


Or….he went away with you for a weekend after dating you for seven weeks and you didn’t have sex with him. I’m going to wager that that’s why you haven’t heard from him. This is a busy guy. He runs three businesses? Yes, he’s probably pretty busy. I run one and my time is limited as it is.You say that you know he’s busy, but obviously you don’t truly grasp how busy he probably is.

He needs to cut the fat from his schedule. You got cut. He doesn’t have the bandwidth for this. You’re a woman in your mid-thirties. You had seven dates with this guy. You were in a room with a bed in it and you still didn’t sleep with him. The alcohol had nothing to do with it. That was an excuse that you came up with and that he agreed to because he had to. If you had wanted to sleep with him, you’d have been sure not to drink too much. This is why he has faded. He was no longer going to invest the time into the relationship. Maybe he is dating someone else. Maybe he’s not “ready.” (Hint: That’s not really a thing.) None of those things matter and are just justifications to pin this on him. Sorry. You are equally responsible. You’re an adult. You don’t go away with a guy you’ve been dating for seven weeks and not have sex with them. So, you either aren’t into him or not into sex. Neither bode well for him. Hence his disappearance.

I’m guessing that you didn’t sleep with him because you weren’t sure if he could fit you into his life. I get that. But if that’s the case, you should have had that conversation before you went away or while you were away. You can’t be passive in situations like this. Passivity does not get you what you want. Passivity is for people who want everything to happen to and for them. That’s not how a mature adult thinks.

This relationship was progressing slowly. The trip was a step forward. He likely walked away from that thinking he took two steps back. If, in those two dates since you got back, you still didn’t sleep with him I can say with 99% certainty that it was because of the lack of sex.


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34 Responses to “The Number #1 Reason Why A Guy Fades Is ….”

  1. noquay Says:

    Agree. No sex after 7 weeks? One of you is not very into the other. Stay together and no sex? Runs 3 businesses? Why is he even dating?

  2. jane Says:

    I feel like there’s more here than just the lack of her putting out on the weekend trip. She writes that there was limited physical progression even on the earlier dates and she was questioning the chemistry even then. It’s a little odd that he didn’t initiate any movement towards physicality either and unless OP turned down unmentioned earlier advances I think he’s an equal share of the problem here. Maybe these two were just trying to force a coupling where neither was all that attracted to the other and this whole situation was running on fumes from the get go.

    • Howard Says:

      I get the sense that this guy is not the greatest at escalating things. Now that doesn’t make him a bad guy. In fact many really nice guys are like this. They are great in their career or running business, but just too worried about offending a woman. They are indeed the nice guys.

      Women have to recognize these guys and get a little proactive. These guys are worth seducing. And most women realize this after the fact, when these guys move on, as this guy seems to be doing now. Don’t worry about the seducing part, you do that when it’s Mr Hot. Why not do it for a guy that is really worth the effort? In one’s twenties, playing coy with these guys may be forgiveable, but by the time a woman gets to her thirties, she should have figured the game out.

      The trick is to recognize this early enough and use your wiles. Now, success is not guaranteed, but that is the nature of the dating game. Value is a funny thing. One seems the grasp it more when that thing starts to become little unattainable. The hot guys walk in with that characteristic, so women do their utmost. Unfortunately nice guys don’t project that, until it’s real. I guess they are not good at creating the “somewhat unattainable” illusion.

      • meh Says:

        yup, you & moxie are 100% right.

        the fact that he kept calling himself a gentleman shows where his head was. he was so afraid of offending her that he ended up waiting for her to make the 1st move. and i’m sure he has plenty of women-friends (nice guys usually do), so he knows that women make the 1st move when they are attracted to a man. so when she didn’t, he got his answer. she’s just not that into him.

        i’m glad he was smart enough to bail instead of wasting more time with a woman who is 34 & still doesn’t recognize a good man when he is literally right in front of her. i’m sure she’ll enjoy sleeping with bad boys for the rest of her life.

        • jane Says:

          So let me get this straight. You are saying it’s her fault for being 34 and not making a move on him? But his lack of effort at showing her that he’s interested is just him being a nice guy? I do not agree that most women make the first move when they are attracted. Many will be afraid of rejection, especially when as a woman we are used to physical advances from a man being the evidence they are interested in us.

          • Bogey44 Says:

            I get the point you’re making, but I’m not sure it’s completely correct. Yes, men do most of the initiating and yes that’s how women recognize their interest. That being said, some guys are less bold than others and either wait for a very clear sign from a woman of her interest and/or for the woman to initiate the physical stuff. As a guy, you’re pretty much evicted to approach first, ask the girl out on a date, pay for the date, initiate communication and other dates in the early going, and initiate sex all to convey interest. That’s a lot of investment, both emotional and financial, on the man’s part and simply accepting the dates does not equal a similar level of investment on the woman’s part.

            Look what the OP says in the third paragraph, “Now before we went away, communication was very sporadic. He would get in touch to arrange a date, but we would never chit chat in between, and I might not hear from him for 5 days.” She goes on to say he is busy running 3 businesses and likes his alone time, but nowhere in there does it mention her getting in contact first, asking him out on a date, our even just checking in. It seems as though there was no contact between them unless he initiated it. For me personally, if I’m still doing all the work to see someone after that length of time I’m gonna start wondering how invested in me she really is and whether or not she’s worth all the effort. At that point he’s put in a lot of time and effort and she’s done nothing to prove she’s all that invested in him or just going along with it until something better comes along.

            Honestly, the way he asked her to go away with him leads me to believe he’s not very assertive with women. It wasn’t “hey go away with me,” but rather, “I’m going away you can come along if you like.” Almost every guy has had an experience where they thought a woman was into them, made a move, and gotten completely rejected. For some guys that sticks with them a long time and they develop defense mechanisms because of it. I’m inferring a lot here and I very well could be wrong. Maybe the OP can enlighten me if I am. But regardless my advice would be if you like this guy initiate contact with him, ask him out, and make it clear that you like him. You could even go further and have an honest talk with him about your feelings and what you want and see where it gets you.

  3. Greg Figueroa Says:

    How brief is briefly? They went on one date a week and after the trip he went on two more dates in two weeks and the minimal communication was already a known factor throughout the whole 7 weeks.

  4. Selena Says:

    Even busy people make time for those they are really interested in.

    He only wanted to see her once a week on a weeknight. He didn’t try for anything physical on those dates. Communication was sporadic and mainly just to set up another date. It took a weekend away after 5 dates for them to discover they had anything in common? Didn’t have sex on the first night away, and mutually decided not to do it on the second night because of alcohol consumption? After dating almost 2 mos.? Declined her offer to get together because might be too tired from hiking the day before?

    It doesn’t sound to me that he was ever that interested. Possibly he has someone else he spends his weekends with and she was unavailable the one weekend they went away.

    Even if they did have drunken sex I don’t think it would have made a difference. After almost 2 mos. of this kind of dating it appears there just isn’t much passion on either side.

    • Selena Says:

      Another thing: why did she describe going away for a week-end with him as “bite the bullet”. Women who are into a guy are excited by such an invitation.

      This non-relationship isn’t worth the mental space it’s taking up in the OP’s head.

  5. AnnieNonymous Says:

    The sex was definitely an issue, but so was the guy’s workaholic nonsense. A friend of mine dated a guy like this in the beginning of the year. He legitimately liked her, so questions of unfaithfulness or emotional waffling on his end were off the table. She was reluctant to sleep with him because she never got to a point where she could trust him – he was always “penciling her in” to his schedule. He was just missing that gene or instinct that tells a guy not to treat relationships like more than another work obligation. You have to look at the sort of personality that would take on the work of running three businesses. Same thing goes for young doctors and lawyers. They know they’re entering lifestyles where dating can’t happen until their late 30s, and they’re choosing it anyway. There’s nothing that a woman can do about that. If you run into this guy a year from now, he’ll be running a fourth business and he’ll still be single.

    • CoolDude Says:

      For real? If you just meet someone they are never going to be priority #1. He was a busy dude and he made an effort to make time for her (“penciling in” or whatever you want to call it). We all need to get over ourselves and realize that, until someone commits to us, there are likely other things/people more important than us.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Being busy means you have time for fewer dates, so you need to make every date count (by investing more effort) because you’re allowing yourself fewer chances to succeed.

        If you can’t do even that much for, say, one date per week, then you need to remove yourself from the dating pool entirely and quit wasting people’s time–including your own–until your priorities change to be more compatible with success.

        • AnnieNonymous Says:

          Exactly. Dating isn’t a birthright. If you have a lifestyle that gives you only one free night every week for the rest of your life, you might need to accept that a relationship isn’t in the cards for you and stop stringing women along. Saying, “This is my job and I can’t change it” isn’t meeting a woman in the middle. It’s telling her that she needs to work her schedule around yours if she ever wants to see you. There are many lucrative, satisfying careers that leave room for fulfilling romantic lives. It’s not an accident when you choose a career that doesn’t give you that kind of free time.

    • Brad Says:

      “He was just missing that gene or instinct that tells a guy not to treat relationships like more than another work obligation.”

      I am with Annie here, we have a mis-match. Some people are meant for long term relationships, some are not. Annie pointed out the flaws of this guy – he didn’t structure his life to have a future full-time relationship, and treats relationships he does have like a professional responsibility.

      On the other side the OP let her ‘marriage decade’ soar right past her. According to the stats, she had a 50% chance of getting married between 20 and 29. That plunged to 17% 30-34, and craters to almost zero 35+.

      It is like Moxie says – we all need to start thinking about our ‘second acts’. We should work on figuring out what our relationships can/will look like other than the traditional model – which is basically for kids in their 20’s.

    • Howard Says:

      Yeah, blame the guy. Let’s not forget, it’s the OP who now seems to want something to happen. When we want something to happen in life we don’t do sour grapes.

      Even though it seems he has moved on, she still has a small window. She has to return the favor. Lord forbid she should plan and pay for a weekend away. But that is the type of proactive thing, that it’s going to take at this time.

      • AnnieNonymous Says:

        Dude, I wasn’t blaming the guy. I was just pointing out that it’s pointless to try to cultivate an emotionally satisfying relationship with a guy who has that personality type. Blame doesn’t come into the equation here.

        • Howard Says:

          Well that was quite feisty AnnieNonymous. You can call it what you want but your comments were disparaging about the guy. You are certainly advising her to do sour grapes.

          She now wants this guy and seems to be starting to have a problem getting him. Your advice is that he is not worth it. That is classic sour grapes mentality. Your advice doesn’t change the fact that she still wants him.

          I know it’s a very popular coping mechanism that people like to believe is a panacea for failure or rejection, but it is often non-productive to say the least. The best solution is to go for some assertive action, or figure if there is something to learn from it all. And I can assure you, what she has to learn from it all, has nothing to do with this guy but more to do with taking a good long hard look in the mirror as Moxie suggested.

  6. D. Says:

    There is no great mystery as to what’s going on here. She’s not that interested in him, and he figured it out and moved on. And who could blame him?

    My guess is that this guy, busy though he was, was genuinely interested and not “just for sex.” Here’s the deal: guys who just want sex will NOT stick around for four, let alone SEVEN, dates with no sex. Guys who just want sex will likely move on after at most two dates.

    No, this guy was interested, and that’s why he hung on as long as he did. But even a highly interested guy who fancies himself a perfect gentleman will eventually reach his Schmuck Limit. It is at this point that he comes to believe he’s being played for a schmuck, says “Fuck this,” and moves on.

    It doesn’t sound like the OP really reciprocated here. Rather, I get the sense that the message the guy was getting was “I invite you to keep courting me.” At first, that may be kinda fun to some guys, but after a point, even those guys think “This person just wants attention from me, and isn’t really interested in me.” And frankly, I don’t think the OP was really interested in this guy in the first place. She liked the attention, she liked the idea of dating a busy businessman, but she didn’t really like HIM. He figured it out (took him long enough…), and threw in the towel. And rightly so, based on the story.

    The only other explanation is that he was just killing time until something better came along….and then something better came along. But if he’s really THAT busy, I rather doubt he’d keep killing time in this fashion and courting a clearly disinterested woman.

  7. GI_JANE Says:

    You both seem really awkward and sorry to say but he didn’t even seem all that interested to began with (read all the signs)

    1. contacts you sporadically
    2. no communication in between dates
    2. sees you periodically
    3. doesn’t try to get physical with you
    4. turns down your suggestions for dates

    Which makes me wonder why your even asking this question.

    • mindstar Says:

      She also wasn’t that interested as demonstrated by her behavior. She never said she tried to contact him between dates it was always on him. She did not indicate that she offered to plan any dates. After two months and 7 dates its not unreasonable for a man to expect the woman to plan a date. Suggesting you get together for the weekend doesn’t cut it after he’s been doing everything. The kicker of course was no sex in two months especially after they went away together. He felt he was just been used as an attention provider and finally decided to cut his losses.

      • GI_JANE Says:

        Yeah either she felt he should of like her so she was surprised, or maybe she genuinely liked him.

  8. zozo Says:

    the answer is obvious. he’s impotent.

  9. gingersnapz Says:

    As a woman, I think when any of us asks these kinds of questions we are really just looking for reassurance that we didn’t do anything wrong and we are still “good enough”. So many times we pour over guys we barely care about, and once they give us an excuse that makes us sure its not our fault (“I have not dated anyone for a long time”, “I’m really busy with work now”, etc. etc.), we usually fall for it because we want to. That’s why “It’s not you it’s me” worked so well before Seinfeld completely debunked it – if you feel like its not your fault, you feel like it was never yours to begin with, so the loss is less devastating. Thats why women analyze these things into the ground – he’s always telling us how he really feels with his actions, yet we’re always trying to figure out “why”.

    If I’ve learned anything from Moxie, its that you have to give up control in dating and just do what you want to do, and a person that is a good match for you will appreciate you as you are. Anyone who takes issue with that is not worth the intense over analysis. I feel like most of the wrong moves we make in dating happen when we try to hard to “control for” the other person. My guess is the OP probably withheld sex for so long because she wanted to make sure he had super duper respect for her first, not because she actually wanted to get to know him better in order to feel comfortable doing something that intimate. And if that is the case, you have to communicate that as the reason (never ever “because I want you to respect me”). If you sleep with a guy after 7 dates and he fades after, he was only ever looking for sex to begin with.

    • D. Says:

      Well, most of this isn’t bad, but the last sentence is just wrong. No guy who only wants sex is sticking around for six sexless dates. Or at least, he’s probably not saying to himself “Man…once I get laid, I’m OUTTA here.”

      The more likely answer is one of two things:

      1. He THOUGHT he was genuinely interested in her, but once sex happened, the bubble burst, he looked at her more critically, and lost interest. Sex drove the initial interest, but it wasn’t the only thing he wanted — it was just the only thing he ended up really liking.


      2. The sex ends up not being particularly good, and the sexual incompatibility leads the guy to say “She’s great, but it’ll never work if the sex sucks.” And nobody’s ever going to tell someone else “I’m no longer interested in you because you suck in bed.”

      • Jane Says:

        I think you’re right. And this is a painful reality for women. That we can get to the point of being vulnerable and really liking a guy – hence having sex, only for it to be thrown back in our faces when sex ends up changing the dynamics for HIM. And guess what ends up happening – the next time these women are less likely to have sex early and you guys end up waiting 6-7-8+ dates and wondering why she is so reluctant to do it.

        Its really too bad that men cant be more decisive about how you feel about someone without having sex be the big catalyst. I realize for some women sex might do this too, but for the most part I dont think as many women will dump a guy they’ve been seeing who has been perfect up till that point just because sex happened and wasnt perfect or oops once they got their rocks off their attraction to the person was found to be just a result of their horniness.

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          Its really too bad that men cant be more decisive about how you feel about someone without having sex be the big catalyst.
          That’s impossible since the sex will, in part, determine how we feel about her.

        • D. Says:

          Come on, now. You’re basically saying “It’s a shame men can’t be more like I want them to be.” Men could level the exact same complaint against women and say “It’s a shame women have to get all wrapped up emotionally in sex.” Either angle, by the way, is a load of rubbish. Emotional connection to sex, or lack thereof, isn’t a purely male or female thing.

          And in this whole scenario of waiting a long time to have sex, I guarantee you, each party would feel pretty much equally disappointed if the other person lost interest after 6-7 dates, regardless of whether sex had entered the picture. People don’t usually hang in that long unless at least one of them is genuinely interested.

          Sex doesn’t become a binding contract just because you waited a while to have it, and you can be just as hurt by someone you thought was interested in you telling you otherwise even when you haven’t had sex.

          Lastly, let’s just ditch all the tut-tutting about how men are brutes because sex and stuff. All this does is reinforce narratives that place the woman in the role of a helpless victim. It takes two to tango, and we all have to accept responsibility for our choices. When you can do that, however, the good news is that you can also recognize your own agency and the fact that you AREN’T helpless. You can walk away at any time. If you choose to hang in, own that choice, even if you end up disappointed. Certainly, there are circumstances where someone can still treat you like shit, but dumping all the blame on them is just another way of giving away your own capacity for choice.

  10. Tinker Says:

    I think the guy wasn’t that interested to begin with- 5 dates with little communication in between is not how you get to know someone. I think Janelle was trying too hard to play the ‘cool girl’ role- dont pressure him for more time and communication, don’t come across needy. I think that role is a dangerous one to play- if you like someone, or think you could, show it. If he freaks out thats fine-he would’ve freaked out later for some reason or other. If it works out, great.

  11. The Other Brad Says:

    Neither one of you was that into the other, but both of you thought you should be. Oops. I’ve been there and many others have, as well. You meet someone who’s great on paper, you “align” in a myriad of ways, and you’re sure that at some point it’ll click because it should. It didn’t. No worries. Onto the next thing.

  12. Janelle Says:

    I’m the OP – and it was interesting reading everyone’s comments! Just want to clarify a few things. He only initiated kissing me once on our first 5 dates – which was why I wasn’t sure if I should go away. I’ve never gone out with a guy who hasn’t tried to kiss me. There was no sex because there wasn’t even kissing! But I’ve had enough of bad guys, so I was prepared to see how it would pan out.

    HE was the one who said he didn’t want to sleep with me the first time drunk. And I agreed. There was not an issue with impotence though.

    And yes I have asked him out on dates. I asked him out last week, he was busy the night I suggested, but we arranged another date. I made the suggestion of what we should do, I arranged it, I paid for it. We had a great evening. And then I brought it up – where does he see this going. As it’s not gone anywhere since our weekend away!!

    He said he doesn’t know, is not sure if he wants a relationship, and won’t sleep with me unless he does. Said he’s definitely attracted to me, but is past his days of sleeping around. He had an early start the next day, and it was late, he said we can talk further about it another time. He then sent me a cute text the next day. But we’ve not arranged another date.

    I don’t know what more I can do. So I’m going on a date with another guy tonight. Think it’s time to move on!!

    • mindstar Says:

      It would have been helpful to have provided that information in your original post. This guy doesn’t want a relationship with you. He said so. Move on

  13. Chloe Says:

    Sorry but I have to agree, if Moxie has taught me nothing else she’s taught me that ‘I don’t want/am not sure I want/am not ready for/am too busy for a relationship just means ‘I don’t want a relationship with you’ Harsh but true.

  14. Jane Says:

    I was dating a man I met through his friend. He asked me out on a dating site one week after a man I was seeing left me. I am in my late 40s. I recall him saying hes very busy even the day I met him we hung out at his friend’s condo and went out to a festival that day. He showed a lot of interest that day in me and was flirting and wanted my number. I was in love with another man then. So I went out when he asked me, we had some drinks. He also mentioned in the text he only has 2 hrs tops as has to get up early. It was more of a meeting and talking but we talked more about his friend than him asking about me and he talked some about his life. So he offered to drive me home. I invited him up for a coffee. There was some physical kissing etc but no sex. After this we kept in touch by texting but it was not obsessive. He was concerned its not a good idea to get together cause his best friend is also his relative (that’s the man I saw before him). Then after a few days I said you should dropby so we can hangout and he texted back hed come over after his work. So he came earlier- he was suppose to come at 900 pm then he said hed come at 730 pm but I did not get the text until 645 pm as its on my desktop computer. So he comes here, this time it went very well from my point of view. There was a lot of good energy, he was smiling at me, hes very down to earth. It still seems he wants to compare himself to his relative to show hes the better man. Finally I told him I like you not him. This time I was not thinking, I did not try to get eye contact, I did not flirt that I recall, I did not makeout with him. He asked me if I liked his body and I said yes…I was not in the groove when he came early. So we did end up having sex. When we were having sex he had lots of questions as to what I like, what positions, etc. He only made one comment about me saying I looked very nice. He was staring at my body Im in good shape at 5 foot 9 and hes 5 10. We both stay fit. HIs friend said a lot about me and some I think is untrue things, this is what I feel. I am out of work now and that is not a good thing. So after this he only stayed 1.5 hours then had to rush home to get up at 500 am. I said you should stay over he said he would never sleept (its a lot closer to his work). He told me he wants to get off the dating site as he has no time til xmas. He also said he was seeing a woman and they broke up twice due to he has little time and she also is too busy. I told him Im only seeing one guy but so far its just friends and Id also like to get off the site (its very disappointing). So we kept in touch by texting every day just a few texts. At this point it seemed he was not saying much so a flirted with him and another time I said I miss you, come see me and he said Ill come see you when Im not busy. So then last Thursday the texting stopped. Forgot to mention he took his photos of his dating site but was in there every day for 30 mins to 1 hr as I saw him, which means he was trying to line up dates and is talking to women. So then nothing for 4 days, (I also don’t have his phone number) then on sunday I checked the site and he DELETED HIS PROFILE and not a peep from him. It is 19 days since I have seen him. I wonder if he met someone and was dating many women in one hour dates or hes just too busy with work etc (his ex also has him in court) and his mom was sent to a nursing home.

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