How Come We Have The Best Sex With The Worst People?

Name: Aleromantic-dinner-wine1
Comment: Hi there!

Great website. It´s the only one I´ve seen which has a Friends with Benefit section. How cool!

And speaking of that matter…

Here´s my question.

I´ve known this guy for 11 years. (Eleven years! I know…)
It was lust at first sight for both of us.
We became a couple short aftewards, and sexual attraction has been the best of my life. (same to him).

Relationship was really intense, and like all intense things, quite temperamental nevertheless. We were fighting or having sex.

I moved to London so we split up.
Since then, relationship has been on and off.

During those years, every episode we saw each other went more less like this: sex-laughter-fight-drama. I made all dating errors known to date. Nagging non stop, chasing him, writing him over dramatic emails…sigh.

He contributed to the crappy dynamic as well. His routine was: contact me, propose a date, be really enthusiastic about it, firing me up… and ended with a last minute cancellation. M o s t  of the times. Needless to say, I went ballistics.

Two years ago, I had another relationship who taught me so much. I became assertive, and learned how to comunicate myself much better.
I became very clear on what I would invest in a relationship and what I was willing to tolerate or not.

All lessons I learned (with someone else) were put to the test last year. He (the 11 years guy) was living in Paris, and invited me to visit him. He sponsored every penny of that trip.

We had a fantastic time. We didn´t fight, not once.
Along the time we spent together and natural frictions arose, I was able to pick up my battles, ask for what I wanted in a clear and easy way, and must of all, enjoy every bit of it. He was astonished.

We became much closer, and sex became second plane.
We even admitted we had feelings for each other (yeah, zillion years later).

During my visit, he confessed me he was not having a good time in France, but he was too proud too admit it and go back home. I had a pep talk with him, told him life was too short to spoil it suffering, blah blah blah.

After the trip, we kept in contact permanently, something absolutely new and unusual in our relationship. Two months later, he rang me to say he had quit, and was coming home on summer.

This year, we spoke two or three times a week at least. We finally got to the point to speak out our minds no drama involved.

He arrived on september. I was counting the days to see him. He contacted me one day after he got back.
We set up a date. Needless to say, I was euphoric to see him.
It would be the first time we are ok, living in the same city. No drama involved.

Day came by, and he cancelled on me last minute. A G A I N.
He texted me saying a meeting came up, he couldn´t cancel, bla bla bla. Same old, same old.

I didn´t even reply to him. I was not willing to go back to that crappy dynamic again.
My logic was: if he doesn´t value my time nor my attention, I just won´t give them. Full stop.

If it had been his first cancellation, I would´ve understood. Everyone has unexpected affairs everyday. But he has done it too many times, and I´m sick of it.

He rang me that afternoon, and texted me a couple of times on the following days. No response on my end.

I can see he is really confused. My old response would be yelling, telling him off, etc. But not anymore. He has no clue what to do with my “new” reaction.

I could sense he is quite mad with his last text. He said: “So what? Are you giving me the silent treatment?”

I didn´t reply nor have heard from him since.
It really saddens me to see three texts are all effort he´s willing to make for me.

I just can´t get why he makes all this fuzz to end up doing the same bloody thing.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks a lot!
Age: 37
City: Mexico
State: Distrito Federal



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4 Responses to “How Come We Have The Best Sex With The Worst People?”

  1. Brenda Says:

    He’s not capable of having a relationship. And does it really matter why HE keeps doing what he is doing? You need to take care of yourself and this man is not ready for a thousand different reasons. Move on, sister, you can do much better. No more contact with this man.

  2. mindstar Says:

    You clearly enjoy the drama. That’s not healthy. Move on.

  3. wishing u well Says:

    This dynamic for 11 years? You’re now 37….so you have decided to waste the “good” dating years on this? Clearly you are the established FWB. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Food for thought – check out the points made in this article.

    If this has been your main relationship for the past 11 yrs, I’d bet that this has already stunted the development of your “relationship skills.” Don’t let him waste any more of your time. I wish you well.

  4. Amanda Says:

    I had one similar to this but only for about 4 years. I say only because I also dated others in between as well. So no waste on my part there. However, we are still friends to this day and when my last relationship ended of course he hit me up for some good times. I was tempted I will admit. However, since the last relationship I learned more about myself and have come to understand that while I don’t feel the need to be married to someone I do feel the need to find someone I can love that will love me back and gain a partner whom I have more in common with than just sex. Gasp I dare believe that a man would consider offering someone at my age (45) more than just sex, but I do believe it will happen. Good for you to stand your ground. I am proud of you and don’t even know you! Good luck.

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