Are Some People Too Hot For Online Dating?

October 24th, 2013

NEW!, Online Dating

I have heard many, many times that people always get suspicious when someone extraordinarily beautiful pops up on an online dating site. That it garterbegs the question: why does s/he need to go online to get dates? The underlying message there, to me, is that online dating is some kind of last resort maneuver to find someone. I disagree with that. So what’s up with those kinds of comments? I have plenty of gorgeous friends who have no trouble getting dates in their day to day but also have an online presence because…well, because why not? (I mean, sure, some love the attention and don’t take it seriously but I know one or two who had substantial relationships come out of the Internet and a handful more who had some good date experiences, too.)

So I guess my question is: is there such a thing as “too pretty” to be online?

Steph

 

Thoughts?

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21 Responses to “Are Some People Too Hot For Online Dating?”

  1. Sherry Says:

    Sometimes (but not always), the online dating profiles with pictures of the most beautiful singles are often phony. I’m talking about the pictures of men and women who appear to be perfect tens.

    The person creating the profile (typically from another continent) is using a professional I-stock photo of an attractive model with the hope of luring unsuspecting people and committing romance scams.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

    • Howard Says:

      I don’t agree with the too hot for online comment. I met my honey online. We have been seeing each other for close to a year. It may be just me, but as far as I am concerned, she could easily be put in that too hot category. Tall, extraordinarily pretty, hourglass shape, nice cleavage, nice butt, smart as a whip, compassionate, outstanding attitude, etc.

      Her story was that she needed someone with a certain set of characteristics, that she was just not finding offline. So she got on a niche dating site, where the people on that site have a certain commonality starting out.

      It’s really hard for most of us to find that special someone. We actually do it to ourselves by having really high standards. I am certainly guilty as charged. Online dating helps, because we have the chance to interact with greater numbers than we could offline, and most importantly, see some important things about a person up front before the conversation even starts. This last bit saves a lot of time. Of course we have to wade through large numbers, read between the lines, meet quite a few frogs, get frustrated, but getting elated is always waiting around the bend.

      I consider myself very lucky and blessed to have her at my side. We do have disagreements like any couple. We have both grown a lot, in figuring ways, to not let any of those disagreements become too consuming. I was not perfect and she was not perfect. We both had baggage in spite of what we thought. We both had expectations. Sometimes she let her ego get in the way. Sometimes I come at her too strong when she messes up. The bottom line though is that we really want things to happen, so we find ways to work around our shortcomings which pale significantly when compared to the plus side of the equation.

      I don’t care how hot someone thinks she or he is, online can work, if she or he accepts that it’s not a magic bullet, but a tool that can be very effective if used properly. A lot of people do not have good profiles. Even if you are hot, a bad profile will hamstring you.

      When we write these things we have to remember that the most desirable people have options, and will probably not go for disclaimers and dictates. It’s really sad to see these things in profiles. All they say is that one is incapable of deciphering good from bad. It further says that one has baggage, just how much, the reader starts to wonder. And most importantly, you are telling someone just how to play you real good.

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    • jane Says:

      This is true but I think smart people can usually spot these. If all your photos look like staged solo photo shoots it’s a good guess that they’re fakes. I’m also sure some people wonder about the flaws of an attractive person online but it’s not that hard to believe that good looking people can’t find dates IRL. Some people don’t get out much or other people assume they’re taken.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  2. Craig Says:

    No, there’s no such thing as being too hot for online dating. I’ve met some really pretty women online. Good-looking people struggle to date sometimes too you know – though for different reasons. Many people, beautiful or otherwise, get plenty of dates offline and just want to broaden their horizons. I dated plenty offline and broadening my horizons was my motivation to try online. Never would have met my wife any other way because she lived in Queens at the time, doesn’t do the bar scene, and didn’t hang in my circles.

    A lot of really beautiful women never get approached because men are intimidated or assume they’re taken. I’ve hung out with models (platonically – never dated one) that often complain about this. Other beautiful people can just homebodies who don’t get out much to meet people. Never make the assumption that someone is too pretty to online date. It makes it seem like online dating is the last resort of the undesirable – and nothing could be further from the truth.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 3

  3. John Says:

    “A lot of really beautiful women never get approached because men are intimidated or assume they’re taken. I’ve hung out with models (platonically – never dated one) that often complain about this”

    I disagree Craig. I know plenty of pretty women that get approached or hit on all the time. I highly doubt that the models you hang out with don’t have any guys approaching them. They are just saying that to you. They could get hit on or approached by multiple men but if the ladies feel those men are below their league, they will discount them. They aren’t going to say “I get hit on plenty of times by average dudes but I am not interested in them”. What they will say is “Guys don’t approach me”.

    Its far easier and politically correct for them to say that guys don’t approach them. The reality is that guys that are Derek Jeter/George Clooney/Ryan Gossling aren’t approaching them. That’s what they truly mean.

    You really think models don’t have opportunities to go out on dates with regular guys? Geez are you gullible.

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    • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

      John has it correct. A friend of a then girlfriend was like that. She would actually get annoyed by all the guys approaching her…but they didn’t count. She wanted the 6ft 4 athlete that had all the ladies throwing themselves at him. Those were the only types of guys that counted.

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  4. LostSailor Says:

    A lot depends on the context. There’s “hot” and then there’s “hot.” Steph talks about women that are “extraordinarily beautiful,” “gorgeous,” and “too pretty.”

    The context is who is making the judgments. Women tell each other all the time that they’re “beautiful” and “gorgeous” whereas guys might consider them attractive and pretty, but not in the same superlatives that women use.

    Steph admits that many of her “extraordinarily beautiful” friends are just in it for the attention, the few who got relationships or good dates notwithstanding.

    The underlying message that Steph is talking about isn’t that online dating is a last resort, it’s a suspicion that someone who pops up online who has all polished, high quality, perhaps even professional-looking photos may not actually be as they profess to be. Which is why Moxie consistently urges at least some less polished photos and at least one full body shot.

    The maxim that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is pertains here. Models aren’t usually going to be online looking for dates because the Derek Jeters and George Clooney’s of the world aren’t likely to be there either…

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    • Stéph Says:

      Just wanted to clarify something: I didn’t say many, I said some are in it for the attention. I wouldn’t say it’s even the majority of them. And then I mentioned that two or three had had successful relationships come out of online dating and that a handful more had had at least some good dates, even if it didn’t blossom into something more longterm or substantial. That wasn’t to say that only few of “gorgeous” my friends experienced any success–I meant that, contrary to the “why is someone so attractive online, why do they need it?”, these friends did get something out of it, that maybe being just offline wouldn’t have gotten them.

      But you do make a good point about the superlatives. That is a woman thing to do hahahaha

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  5. noquay Says:

    I consider myself more exotic than beautiful, however, I am better off financially, more educated, have no childcare issues, and am in better shape than most equal aged women here. All of my single female colleagues are far more conventionally beautiful than I, younger too. We are all on line because we absolutely have to date far outside our geographic area. Yep, there are plenty of good lookers out there that are frauds, I have dealt with three. If you live in flyover country, an impoverished community, or one with very skewed demographics, on line is your only option, no matter what you look like.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  6. GI_JANE Says:

    1. Some gorgeous people don’t have any trouble getting dates, others do.

    2. Could be a multitude of reasons, extremely poor social skills, luck, intimidating, entitlement, low self esteem, boring, drug addict, geography, work schedule the list goes on.
    3. There is no such thing as being too good looking for online dating.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1

  7. fuzzilla Says:

    I’m with Sherry, it would trip my “fake profile” alarm. If I knew for a fact they were a real person, I wouldn’t think anything of it.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  8. Ken Besig Says:

    I kind of run with Trini Lopez and his song, “if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife,” I would not recommend an ugly woman for a wife as Trini does, but a really beautiful woman is often way too much trouble. In my experience a sweet, happy, and nurturing woman with normal looks often has much more to offer than a drop dead beauty.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 9

    • AnnieNonymous Says:

      I find it interesting that this comment has only received upvotes, meaning that at the end of the day, men would rather commit to a woman who isn’t the most beautiful girl in any room. When men have the idea that an uncommonly pretty woman could always find someone else to date, while most men deliberately shoot for a 7, they can’t then turn around and claim that beautiful women really don’t have difficulty sometimes. If every guy thinks that someone else will ask the pretty woman out, no one ends up doing it. Either you hit on the hot girls or you don’t. You just admitted that you don’t. Since you don’t hit on the hottest ones, I don’t want to see any accusations of vanity or delusion being thrown at women who claim to be attractive but don’t have much luck in the dating world.

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  9. Virginia Says:

    There’s no such thing as too hot for online dating; there are all sorts of people out there, and beauty is so subjective. If you truly believe you’re too gorgeous to be perceived as plausible in your dating profile, post a few non-made-up casual pictures. The air of making an effort is often a big part of what contributes to you coming off as unrealistically pretty.

    You should aim to include three to five different photos, and they shouldn’t show you all in the same vibe or look. One can be all dolled up for fancytimes, but the other two should be more laid back, and at least one should show your whole body but not in a way that seems contrived. Showing you partaking in some activity you enjoy is ideal; that way people can see your body matches up to whatever adjective you selected in the drop-down body type menu, but it isn’t super in your face or posed.

    Feel free to track me down (http://xxxxxx) for more online dating advice! This is what I do for a living. :)

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 14

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Virginia,

      I’ve seen your comments at xoJane and The Frisky advertising your services. I can appreciate your pluck, but you really need to be a bit more respectful and authentic. You don’t come on to someone else’s website, especially someone more established than you, and pimp your services. You do it in all of your xoJane and Frsky comments, which is why everybody downvotes you and subsequently ignores what you say.

      You’re not saying anything revolutionary or terribly original/innovative. You’re re-purposing advice you’ve seen and read elsewhere, which is what most “coaches” do. Every one of your comments includes the same tired advice everybody has seen and heard over and over again.

      If you’re going to charge people for your services, then you better learn to offer something that they can’t get for free in dozens of other places.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

  10. Kurt Says:

    I agree and do wonder why a very attractive woman would waste her time with online dating when women like that already get so much attention in the real world. Beautiful women who use online dating are usually extremely picky and demanding.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

  11. Violet Says:

    I know beautiful people of both genders DO use online dating for a variety of reasons. (FYI, I’m not calling myself beautiful, but just have some thoughts about not getting approached despite not being hideous):
    1. Looks are extremely subjective– you might think someone is “too pretty” but odds are they have insecurities. I think I am a “reasonably” attractive girl, but I used to weigh 40 pounds more, get mistaken for a boy a lot, have braces, etc. I’m still that nerd, no matter what I look like now.
    2. they have some really specific need that narrows their dating pool (religion, vegan, weird sexual kink that is a must).
    3. online dating saves time in some respects, because you can screen for desired values in an instant (eg, you don’t want to have kids. If you meet a guy in a bar, you have no idea until it comes up in conversation.)
    4. the wrong people approach them in real life. And no, I don’t mean that they are just waiting for George Clooney. People approaching me are often 1) too young–20s 2) too old–60s 3) homeless 4) aggressive/ frightening/ sexually harassing/ racist. I am extremely polarizing in terms of looks–guys either are completely disinterested or think I’m extremely attractive–maybe partially because of my looks, but also because I am a racial minority in a mostly-White environment. I have been both completely ignored and asked if my profile/ pictures are fake. The guys that I do end up dating are shocked when I tell them that I never get asked out and rarely get approached. I don’t feel sorry for myself, because some of this is my fault because…
    5. someone can be attractive but not approachable because of how they carry themselves. If you are shy/aloof or awkward. I don’t smile as much as I should, I space out sometimes, and I don’t have a lot of interpersonal warmth. I get very interested in talking to someone intellectually, but don’t convey that I am actually interested romantically. Flirting is a social skill — you’re not born with it just because you’re attractive.

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    • jane Says:

      Yep. All of the above. Though I do think there is a difference between men and women. Maybe someone else can shed light on why attractive men might need to use online dating… but what you write here is my experience as a decently attractive female. Once men get to know me they do often admit they were attracted but there’s always something stopping them from approaching me in person. Online this barrier, whatever it is, goes away for the most part.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  12. Mickey Says:

    I think we assume some people are too hot for dating, online and off. In my opinion, beautiful people arent approached as often. In my daily life, I’m often approached by guys with the ‘I’ve got nothing to lose’ attitude. These are guys I’m not attracted to (I’m not saying they’re ugly), guys who throw out lots of bait in the hopes of catching something; the cat callers and proposers on the streets. Guys I am attracted to will smile, flirt, ask friends of friends if I’m single and…nothing. They visit to my office unnecessarily, buy products they don’t need (I work in sales) and find reasons to call/email me, which always ends in light flirting from their end; they rarely move forward after we’ve established my single hood. I’ve gotten the ‘I had such a huge crush on you, I thought you had a boyfriend and I didnt think I was in your league’, all after the fact.

    In the online world, men are more confident. If they are rejected, it isn’t to their face, so they are more likely to go after someone they’re attracted to, hot or not. I’ve tried online dating, it offers variety and tells everyone ‘yes, I’m single too’. My standards aren’t ridiculous and looks aren’t as important as other attributes. I do find that, I have to take a guy’s hand and walk him into asking me out, for some reason, men rarely get past the flirting stage on their own.

    Sometimes, the pretty girls are the ones alone at night because everyone assumes she isn’t.

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  13. Gaz Says:

    A bit late in me answering this, but, whenever I see what I think is a hot looking woman on a dating site I straight way say, “she’s too hot to be single”, then I say, “even if she is genuine she wouldn’t fancy me anyway”.

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  14. Tammy Says:

    I am way late on responding to this. I was online due to not wanting to do the bar scene and work reasons. I got literally thousands of looks and several hundred emails. Among those were emails that said, “I asked someone else out because I didn’t think you would ever say yes.” “Do you ever think guys give up on you because they think you give up on them?” “What’s it like to know people stare at you all of the time?” (A little creepy but there was more to it). Anyway, when you say you won’t date a beautiful woman because she’s too much trouble, it’s all insecurity on the man’s part. It’s also so f’ing depressing to hear so many men say it and know so much insecurity is out there. I’ve had to take so many “right now” selfies to prove it’s me before I ever go on a date. I found someone for awhile and then he worried that I was with someone else if I saw my friends. I guess I look like a cheater to. I spend all day listening to self serving, manipulative people at work. Why can’t you guys let me listen to you saying something meaningful or tell me your story and not worry about stupid crap like looks or other guys? I don’t want to hear about me or how I look. I truly don’t. It just seems to piss people off and I am so tired of being on the shit list.

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