He’s a 33 Year Old Virgin. Now What?

November 24th, 2013

NEW!, Nice Guys, Sex

Name: jphowtoknowifaguyismarriagematerial
:
Comment: Moxie,

I have been following your blog for a while and think it’s great.  I have a question that may have been addressed in other articles but I am pretty sure that it has not come up yet.

I am a 33 year old MALE virgin.  I put that in bold because I think there is a fundamentally different dynamic between how the genders are treated when it comes to the V card issue.   As you can imagine I do not bring up this issue until the dates are fairly advanced along (4th or 5th date).  So far, I have met  a mixture of surprise, derision, scorn, pity, and incredulity from women. Universally there is rejection.

Here’s the thing.  I do not tick any of the stereotypical  boxes -e.g. religious fundamentalist, sexually abused, getting therapy, insular ethnic culture, language barrier,formerly imprisoned, low testosterone drive, etc.  Instead I am religiously agnostic and grew up in a normal 2 parent family home.  I was a late bloomer physically (for example did not start shaving until 19) and spent my 20s and early 30s throwing myself into school, sports, and building a career working 60-80 hour weeks.  Money is important b/c of family members’ mounting medical bills and I am expected to be the main provider.

Now, I own a large condo apartment in Manhattan in a nice neighborhood , have a high 5 figure job in  a growing field, work out several times a week (to the point of being a gym rat), etc.  I regularly get introduced to women by co-workers and female friends trying to set me up who all say I’m a “catch.”  When I do go out with female company – either business affairs or group casual – there’s a lot of light flirtation and sometimes they will give me their business cards with their cell phone number written on the back.  But when things progress to more intimate settings I become not as confident and I guess it shows.

To be fair, I understand where the women are coming from.  It is awkward and puts a lot of pressure on them to be “the one”  especially in a culture where the man is expected to take the lead in everything or alternately they fear me turning clingy and co-dependent.    I have thought about getting an escort but ultimately shelved the idea b/c that’s not how I envisaged my first.  Perhaps pursuing an older lady (40+)?  I am not sure.  Thoughts welcome.
Age: 33
City: new york city (manhattan)
State: ny

Ok, so here’s my suggestion. I eagerly await the moral high-grounders response to this.

Lie your god damn face off.

Find someone online who interests you and just get your first time over with. Enough with the whole “I want my first time to be special” thing. Those days are long gone and well behind you. Sure, it makes you sound nice and sweet and respectful, but please. You’re 33 years old. You’re not some teenager up in their room day dreaming of what their first time will be like while reading some young adult romance novel. It is this line of thinking that has led you to be a virgin at your age. You’ve waited so long that you have analysis paralysis.

Yep, it’ll probably be nerve wracking and maybe even a little awkward, but you have to get over this hurdle. If you climax quickly or get nervous you can say you’re stressed out. The woman isn’t going to know the difference. In fact I bet a lot of women will be relieved because it means you can lie there and cuddle and talk. Once the refractory period has passed, you can try again, and this time will be a lot better. I promise. Just get that first time over with.  Believe me when I tell you that the first time with a new partner, whether it’s your honest to God first sexual experience or first experience with that person, is nerve wracking and sometimes awkward and even unsatisfying. You have to find your groove with someone new. It’s rarely ever like what you see in movies.

There’s no need to reveal this to anyone you’re not dating seriously. I know that many people will advocate for telling women the truth because the truth will bring you closer, etc etc. Yeah. Okay. Adorable. The more likely scenario is that you’ll tell them and they’ll wonder if you’re gay or have hang-ups. That’s why you shouldn’t say anything. You don’t have to outright lie, just do what you can to avoid telling the truth. If she brings up the topic of partner count, tell her you don’t feel that that’s something relevant and that you’re disease free. You can even say something like, “Less than 20.” It’s true! Then get it in there. When the time is right and you feel you and the woman you’re dating are really on solid ground, then you can tell her. But before that? Keep that shit to yourself.

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47 Responses to “He’s a 33 Year Old Virgin. Now What?”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Yeah, I guess treat the information same as you would any “heavy” topics that are reserved for good friends or serious relationships (such as you would share that, say, your dad died when you were three or your brother was murdered). The OP can say he likes to take things slow to give him some wiggle room for his nerves without oversharing and scaring people away.

    He says there’s no psychological hangups but there must be something of the sort going on. He doesn’t sound like a bitter woman hater or lacking for opportunities. Fear of intimacy, fear of getting close to people and then losing them? I’m just talking out my ass, but figure out for yourself what the deal is, OP.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 24

    • Tinker Says:

      I particularly agree with this last line- something is up, and you need to admit it at least to yourself or every woman you encounter is going to feel like something is ‘off’ ( because it is). You may not want to share what you figure out, but telling yourself you were so busy working and living that you just forgot to have sex doesn’t fly. At all.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 22 Thumb down 36

    • rrr Says:

      No, there doesn’t need to be anything off. Some people just failed to attract a sexual partner. It happens. Not everyone is obligated to have sex by any arbitrary age.

      That just goes to show, how closed-minded people really are. If this other person who lived their life differently than me, you etc, that MUST mean there is something wrong with them, dammit! How dared they?

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  2. Violet Says:

    I strongly agree with Moxie here. Through a series of unfortunate events (health issues, social awkwardness) I was in the same boat as the OP–it didn’t happen till I was 28. (Except I’m female.) There’s no need to tell anyone. If it turns into something serious, you can tell them later.

    In the mean time, I would recommend that he try to ready himself by learning what he can about female sexuality from reliable sources. This is how I got by without triggering anyone’s virgin alarm.

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  3. Sherry Says:

    I have a sneaking suspicion that adult virginity (virginity beyond one’s early to mid 20s) is more common than anyone will ever realize. However, the full extent of the issue is masked because:

    1. Nobody freely discusses his/her virginity in the break room at work. It’s generally assumed that you’ve had sex once you’re beyond a certain age range.

    2. People assume that good-looking folks have lost their virginity during the ‘usual’ age range when it is typically lost. Based on the OP’s letter, I can tell he’s handsome and attracts women easily.

    3. People assume that successful individuals have made whoopie. Some people incorrectly conclude that the out-of-shape, bearded, unsuccessful, addicted homeless loner on skid row is the one who hasn’t had sex.

    Personally, I’ve met three adult male virgins (ages 25, 28 and 38). All three men were nice-looking and two were relatively successful: one was a deputy sheriff and the other was an IT professional. But all three men were honest to a fault.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 52 Thumb down 1

    • Ronald Says:

      I have been un-successful all of my life. I am partially paralyzed now. While I was able to stand up and walk I was fired from at least a half dozen jobs. I resigned from about as mant to take a job w/more money and benny’s. That never worked for me. I would get laid off from the new job. Most jobs I was laid off from at some point. Then there is the social awkwardness. I am the loner type. I am 61 and I am in the less than 10 group. The first time for me was when I was at my father’s place in Ft. Lauderdale,FL. A friend said no man of 26 should be a virgin. He took me to a prositute. That was not the way my first should have been.

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  4. E-B Says:

    I agree with Moxie, but I’d add two things:
    1) never mention your previous sexual experience (or lack thereof) with a partner. No one really wants to know.
    2) sex is never what you see in the movies or what exists in people’s imagination. Just follow Moxie’s advice and you should be fine.

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  5. Matt Says:

    Anyone who is very sexually active will not say anything about their status. The same applies at the other end of the spectrum, so why should you say anything? Everyone’s advice is right on: don’t say a damn thing.

    The bigger issue is why you need to disclose your sexual experience with anyone. The reason I say this is because your belief system tells you that you need to share these intimate details. This belief process will do things to make you come across awkward, even if you lie about the facts. I suggest a belief system adjustment, or use method acting techniques to internalize your approach. In your technique, act like your winning self, and then when it comes time to get down, pretend you are a selfish rock star with attitude.

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  6. Howard Says:

    We’re a society of contradictions that is driven by what people consider to be the norm. It goes to prove that there are no absolutes in life.

    It sucks that we view virginity in one’s thirties this way, but we are stuck dealing with the crazy norms of our society. Moxie’s advice is spot on. My advice to jp is that everyone gets a little nervous the first time that he or she is going to make love to someone, even if he or she lost that virginity 35 years ago.

    Definitely don’t lay that virginity info on anyone. People don’t react to it well. And you have enough experience there to know that. Gender has nothing to do with it.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 8

  7. Ken Besig Says:

    Given the prevalence of STD’s, letting a woman sexual partner know in advance that you are a virgin could well be considered a positive sign and an attractive invitation for women to engage in sex with you. Or your lack of sexual experience could be a negative sign that there is some serious reason why you are unable to connect sexually with a woman, or any woman. Thirty three to me is a little beyond the norm for a man not to have had a sexual encounter, especially if this guy has the social, financial, and physical advantages he claims to enjoy. Frankly given his apparent situation I am very surprised that some woman, any woman, has not dragged him into the bushes and had her way with him long before now!

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  8. VJ Says:

    I’m with the advice from Moxie here. The expectations are very different for the guys. I’d also 2nd the observation that it’s particularly ‘honest’ blokes that may have this unusual experience. It’s not as wholly uncommon as imagined, and plenty of folks ‘get a late start’. The more honest or ‘caring’ guys are just not too often ‘dragged into the bushes’. Not hardly anymore, evidently!

    I’d also not be too overly concerned about how he goes about it either. At this point, ‘someone special’ is fine, but he’s just increasingly unlikely to find anyone who’ll understand his situation as he describes it. Plenty of religiously oriented folks will want to possibly convert you, and/or would be happy to ‘discover & use’ you to boost their cause. So here’s another vote for possibly using a ‘pro’ if an amenable one can be found. Somehow it was fine enough for granddad or great grand dad, but it’s fallen out of favor. Yes, the movie scripts may write themselves, but much of the time it need not be all that ‘dangerous’ or even very dramatic. It’s the drama we’ve come to invest ‘the first time’ with that’s essentially been holding the OP back. Get it done. Then you can wonder about it all a bit better informed. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

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  9. Snowflake Says:

    I totally agree with Moxie. Just dont tell and get it over and done with, honest to god please… and fyi if you and i were dating and you revealed this to me, I would also bail. I want an experienced man, and to be responsible for a v-card is not something I can handle.

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  10. Rigo Says:

    OK, this is interesting….this is also where the worlds oldest profession can help, but I don’t see this guy going this route. He should simply keep this to himself at this point. Frankly, I’m a little surprised – given the increased prominence of promiscuity of women – that there isn’t a woman who would want to have a man like him.

    I agree with “Moxie.” I also think that at this point he just needs to do it and get it over with. It’s creating a ton of anxiety for him and it’s probably getting in the way of forming relationships – both emotional and sexual. Dude, this may sound terrible, but maybe a trip to Vegas and a Bunny Ranch is in order. These professionals deal with this situation on a daily basis – literally. He needs to fake it before he makes it. I also agree that if asked – “How many people have you been with?”, that he should answer – “Less than 20, but enough that we need to use protection at this point (which he should be using if he was Virgin or a WMD (Whore of Mass Destruction).

    Good Luck.

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  11. L. Says:

    It is indeed a rare occasion when I agree completely with Moxie, but here I do. Do not reveal this to anyone that you are dating, even seriously. It will result in universal rejection, unless you find a rare soul who is an exception. Get through that first time – just self-hypnotize yourself that there is no other alternative but to pretend that you’ve been through it before and just get through it. Good luck.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 6

  12. D. Says:

    So, yeah, Option 1 is Moxie’s option, and it seems like a good one to me. I might even suggest finding a situation where the expectations for both parties going in are that it’s more likely to be strictly a sexual connection, rather than where it might be a more serious dating circumstance.

    Option 2 would be if you have any good female friends with whom you could see having a one-time fling, or friends-with-benefits thing or whathaveyou. My guess, though, is that if you’ve gotten to this point, that’s probably not an option either.

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  13. Nicole Says:

    As a woman the OP’s age, yeah, I would probably bail (as kindly as possible) if he told me on date 5 that he was a virgin. It’s not “ugh, the sex will be terrible”… It’s more that learning about your sexuality takes some time and experimentation, and I wouldn’t want to spend months watching a guy try to figure this out only to learn that we’re not compatible.

    Most women who go on 4 or 5 dates with you are looking for something long-term, the virgin thing might scare them off for this reason – or because they wonder if you’re really ready for a LTR or if you will want to see what else is out there. I’m with Moxie here, forget honesty and long-term potential and just find someone hot to screw on the 2nd or 3rd date. I’m even willing to give you a free pass to do the dreaded “pump and dump” a couple of times.

    Having said all that… If it’s really important to you for your first time to be “special”, go on whatever religious dating site most closely matches your not-fundamentalist beliefs. That’s where you will find girls who are more likely to be cool with the virgin thing. A friend of mine was a virgin at 43 when she met her husband on Catholic Match. Also eharmony, I’ve never tried it but it seems to be what my more conservative girlfriends use. Good luck!

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  14. John Says:

    best advice ever on this blog!

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  15. jp Says:

    Op here. Just want to clarify that I am not entirely innocent. I’ve gotten naked with women and done everything short of actual penetration. While my prior partners were uncomfortable to claim the v card they did use their hands, legs and chests to finish me off.

    Im just getting a later start than most bc I didnt have the chance to lose it at the typical age bc frankly I was a nerd in high school and college. Only in my mid to late 20s did i start learning how to dress well, be more social, and focus on other things. The gym has also been helpful bc its a good place to channel frustration.

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    • Belle Vierge Says:

      You definitely don’t need to tell potential partners you’re a virgin. You don’t even have to lie–you can just omit that information.

      Hell, considering the lack of a universal definition of virginity, you could say you’re not a virgin without lying. You’ve done other sexual stuff. I’ve been accused of lying about my own virginity because I’ve done other sexual stuff.

      I get that you want to be totally honest, but not many women at your age are interested in sleeping with a virgin. Just follow Moxie’s advice and keep that info to yourself.

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  16. noquay Says:

    Agree. This is not something you should be telling anyone. Often men are kinda awkward in that department anyway with a new woman. There are all sorts of books out there on new sexual positions etc. Good time to do a bit of reading, eh?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

  17. J Says:

    I would say be honest. If you’re going out with someone who can’t accept that you’re a virgin at your age, move on! Women who see this as a deal breaker are a red flag. There are plenty of women who actually think it is a good thing that you’re a virgin at your age. Sexual compatibility is extremely overrated!

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  18. Ronald Says:

    I have been un-successful all of my life. I am partially paralyzed now. While I was able to stand up and walk I was fired from at least a half dozen jobs. I resigned from about as many to take a job w/more money and benny’s. That never worked for me. I would get laid off from the new job. Most jobs I was laid off from at some point. Then there is the social awkwardness. I am the loner type. I am 61 and I am in the less than 10 group. The first time for me was when I was at my father’s place in Ft. Lauderdale,FL. A friend said no man of 26 should be a virgin. He took me to a prositute. That was not the way my first should have been. I am looking to meet a woman in the South of Boston area near me. It looks like I should not say anything to a a woman about my in-experience.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

  19. Kurt Says:

    He should absolutely lie about this because women will assume he is weird or something is wrong with him. Hopefully he meets a horny woman who is ok with teaching him how to be a good lover.

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  20. C Says:

    Personally, I wouldn’t think negatively of you for being a virgin. This doesn’t even begin to compare to the baggage plenty of other folks in your age group bring to the table. No kids. No ex drama. No alimony. No health issues. No STDs. No major anger issues toward women or dating burnout.

    So if you got to the point of a handy and jerking off on a girls breasts, what kept you from going to the next step a date or two or five later? How long was your longest relationship?

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  21. JP Says:

    OP again. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts here especially Moxie’s. I do not agree with some posters here about taking the “professional route” and hiring someone to take care of it because I think that’s the wrong approach.

    It is partly a self esteem/ego issue (e.g. why must I pay somebody when I have been on dates with attractive girls before) and more practically there are some things that I cannot do with a prostitute that I would do with a real lover. For example oral sex (going down on a date vs going down on a hooker – NOT going to happen for health/safety concerns).

    As for C’s question the longest I was in a relationship was probably 6 months with a girl who did not feel comfortable going all the way. She said I was only with her for the hope of sex and felt I was using her to that goal (e.g. once sex had been achieved I would fade with sex being defined as vaginal penetration). In turn I felt she was only stringing me along with handjobs and breast play. I thought this was very unfair at the time although in retrospect there was some truth to it. To give some idea of our respective ages we were both 25. There’s a part of me that feels I need to sow my oats and another that says it would be nice to be in a real relationship just to see what it’s like again.

    It’s sad to say but I stayed away from women for the next few years because I felt used. It was also easy (from a man’s view) to fall into the trap of internet porn, strip clubs, and playing online video games with other male friends. I only began seriously dating again in my late 20s with throwing myself into working out and making a real effort to socialize.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    • C Says:

      Ah, gotcha.

      Well not really a departure from Moxie’s advise here but to me you sound like the perfect candidate for a dating coach. I realize Im making some assumptions here based on very little information but as you’ve said yourself, you lack some confidence past the initial first steps of dating, you have a history of sticking it out in a relationship that was unhealthy and battering your ego, and you need someone to motivate you to stay in the game while guiding you through to the next step and give you guidance on how to build and maintain a quality relationship. That’s what dating coaches are great for.

      Its pricey but i found my time working with a dating coach to be very helpful. Alternately, you might benefit from being a wingman to a more experienced friend who is willing to “groom” you.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

    • PGHGal Says:

      I have been in your shoes to an extent. I was much less sexually active than my peers up until the age of 30 (I could count on 1 hand the number of times I’d had vaginal sex during that time). I got really in my head about it and was abstinent for 5 years waiting for that “special guy.” The night I turned 30 the wait for Mr. Imaginary ended and I got myself laid after my birthday party. I was done judging myself and I was horny as all get out. It was awkward to say the least.

      But I got it out of the way and have had many more satisfying sexual interactions since then. If you’re attractive and as easy going as your tone in your messages, you really shouldn’t have any problem getting a woman to sleep with you. I know it isn’t romantic, but get it out of the way so you can move forward.

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  22. VJ Says:

    This is what I think most people really don’t get about the ‘newish’ dating scene. Where once it may have defined your life in a way that it does for the SATC NYC gal pals of yore? Now a days this is not really needed or necessary. Most of your fellow singletons needs can be met via, through or with some assistance from the Net. Casual encounters? No need of the infamous bar scenes. Want something more adventuresome? Lurk in/on any of the Kinkster ‘boards’ or communities until you better understand how you may fit in & what you may like or want to try.

    So it’s really very depressing to hear of the fact that somehow 25 YOs (!) don’t know how, or scarcely can ‘get it on’ better than teeny boppers half their age, or geriatrics more than 2 times your age! Yeah, I’d take a ‘years long’ break after that travesty too! Just too depressing and a direct assault on the ego. (NO, we can’t have sex, because that’ll ruin everything! But I’ll give you a handjob, maybe next week, if you’re lucky!?) In 2005, people? We’re regressing here Not Progressing in the state of ‘healthy sexuality’.

    Again that sort of ‘stuff’ that barely worked ‘well’ 50 & 60 years ago, won’t play today. People have options today. There’s more p0rn than anyone can consume in a lifetime. And the infamous ‘zipless f*ck’ is making a well heralded comeback as simple ‘hookups’, now known to almost every gal under the age of 40 something. So everyone gets something of what they want. For many of the newly aspiring college gals, this is the ‘no frills’ version of the old male standard of ‘pump & dump’. Only without the lead up. Not much ‘pumping’ needed, just pick out the prettiest you can or might handle and whistle. (Might work, might not. But it’ll almost always work more often than when the guys do it!) For the guys? Many need not ever leave their hovels or humble abodes ever again. The cruel world beyond their computers & workplaces, the strange & naturally hostile dating landscape they’ve never quite been comfortable in, never having ‘mastered’ all the common ‘seduction tricks’, may never be reentered for decades perhaps.

    So once again we give a lie to the central myths of the age. Good guys? Finish last. Or never at all. Without some ‘tricks’ or ‘seduction techniques’ or other needed coercions? They’re never really noticed, and truth be told, no one every ‘truly’ misses them. What does a decent hard working ‘professional’ dude have to offer the women in his world if he’s Not working to try and seduce them all or most of the time? Good conversation? You too can become like their ‘gay’ or ‘neutered’ guy pal’. Most women hardly will notice ‘good conversation’ anymore. It takes much more to be noticed, and the guys know this. It takes a kind of ‘big dicked’ swaggering arrogance to garner any sort of attention now. The ‘quiet’ or ‘shy’ types, for whatever reason, will be all too often left in the dust today. Now that may also apply to plenty of women too, but there’s just fewer of them here. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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  23. PureInHeart Says:

    I prefer that the man I am with be a virgin. I am a virgin myself, and I think it’s sexy for people to wait until they are with someone special and admire. Knowing that my guy saved himself for me would make him that much hotter.

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  24. jane Says:

    Totally agree with Moxie’s advice because that was exactly what I did. Granted I am a female, but these days virginity isnt exactly a desirable quality in adult women either. Its not something I wanted to expose – both out of a mix of embarrassment at my lack of experience in comparison to my partner and I didnt want it to be their problem to have to “teach” me. It may be slightly more difficult as a man as you cant take the submissive role as easily, but learn all you can beforehand and like Moxie says, feign stress/tiredness or the nerves of being with HER for the first time if things become awkward. Beyond that I’ll tell you that if I had to knowingly choose between dating a man who has slept with 20 women before me or a virgin, Id choose the virgin, no contest.

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  25. jp Says:

    The worst part about the last relationship (if you can even call it that) is she was NOT a virgin, had slept around with other guys but somehow thought that I was not worthy of the act. I found this behavior infuriating and am suspicious of entering another relationship for that reason. This particular woman tried to use the promise of sex for exclusivity and I eventually got tired of being used. Now I’m at the point in life where I feel like I’ve missed out on so many milestones. I really feel like I need to sow my oats but too many women in my age range are interested only in long term relationships.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Yes, jp, that’s going to be a danger with women who are more experienced and who know you are technically a virgin. She will know that, if she’s so inclined, she can use that as leverage. If you date enough, you will encounter women who aren’t like that or who won’t necessarily demand a long-term commitment. I agree with Moxie’s advice to not tell women you are a virgin, it’s none of their business. Holding out because you think your first time should be “special” is a losing game.

      The fact is that the “first time” isn’t really all that special. Maybe if both parties have “saved themselves” for marriage, but I think not even then. The first time is usually anxious and sometimes awkward, and not particularly special.

      A woman who will do “anything but” after a reasonable amount of time, especially if you’ve let on about your status, probably isn’t worth your time. If this has been your experience, then the resentment I hear in your comments is warranted, but not helpful.

      Try to let go of the past, concentrate on the future, get the notch, and move on. Once that’s out of the way, then sex becomes just another part of a healthy relationship perhaps long-term perhaps not, but at least it will give you options.

      Good luck.

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    • Nicole Says:

      Hi jp,

      There’s nothing wrong with wanting to “sow your oats”… Whether that means casual sex or short-term relationships that help you figure out what you want in a partner.

      I agree that early/mid 30s are a tough time to date casually. I got divorced at 32 after marrying my college boyfriend the summer we graduated (this is Texas, yes, we still do that here lol). Most of the guys our age I’ve met are done playing around and looking for “the one”. I imagine the women are mostly like that, too.

      Have you tried dating outside your age group? I recently started seeing a guy in his mid 40s, so far so good. And you don’t have to go older… If you can easily get dates with attractive 30 year olds, women in their mid 20s will probably be interested in you. Might be easier that way for you to find someone who’s looking for the same thing.

      And yeah, your previous girlfriend was either using you or had some serious issues. Most women who want a LTR are not like that. So don’t let that scare you off wanting a committed relationship, now or later in your life.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

    • VJ Says:

      That’s part of what I was speaking to in my comment. The pervious relationship did some demonstrable harm to your (JP’s) ego, self esteem and confidence. Strangely you’ll search hard on various ‘helpful dating hints’ sites or others that offer some advice before you’ll come to the very rare one that even mentions this topic in almost any serious form or context. But it’s real, and does some considerable damage due to someone’s deliberate actions to essentially ‘run someone down’ by denying them normal pleasure. It’s almost like having a GF that will not kiss you, or refuses to do so ‘in public’ for some reason. You’re being played, and we’re played for some sort of sucker for whatever yes, sick reason. Contrary to popular belief, this is not all that uncommon a behavior to experience from some who would seek to ‘re-virginize’ themselves to try and change their image to attract a different sort of mate/date.

      So yes, that’s something to always be watchful for and the entire topic is fraught with the ambiguity and age old eternal mysteries of sex and sexual habits, BTW. Why is it that someone who seemed to actually enjoy sex before marriage becomes a cold fish afterwards, and especially when & after the kids are born? Why is it that of all the things most couples might be heard to complain about, it’s the sex (or lack of it) that most bothers them, and that their friends are much more likely to somehow know about? ‘Sure everyone knew Ed was a big drinker, but he was always a ladies man, no one ever left him unsatisfied’. OK Sally was a home-wrecking wanton slut, but she’s the doyenne of Washington high society now, all that was decades in the past!’

      It’s sadly way more complicated than anyone can imagine. I’d almost say you were better off being a non combatant at this stage and trying to go it alone. And yes, Most women will run away in sheer terror and abject horror if you tell them the truth. Other than a very small segment of the religious or spiritually minded? Most can’t comprehend the issue let alone try and accommodate themselves to such a reality.So again I’m reminded that the ‘pro’s do face such issues regularly. Call it a sex surrogacy instead of an escort if you like, but the effect and the dynamic is the same. At 15-26 yo say? Finding a fellow virgin to even ‘practice’ on may not present all too formidable odds. At over 30 something? You’re now looking at a very smallish group of fairly odd self selected folks. Many will and might even have more experience than you too. So there’s that. So I’d not expect to soon find that one rare ‘understanding person’/woman to workout some of your obvious frustrations here. Cheers, ‘VJ’

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

      • C Says:

        I don’t know if its fair to say most women will run away from a virgin. I would bet a lot of women, once emotionally invested, won’t hold your virginity against you. However, seems like within 5 dates is too soon to expect much emotional investment. Nothing wrong with just going for it and getting past that first time. Nothing wrong with finding a nice girl you like and just asking her to take things slow either. Just losing your virginity wont make you a good lover (that wont come until you have some solid experience). More so than playing the field, it might be good for you to at minimum have a short term relationship with a woman who is willing to help you learn at some point. Most women arent going to want porno sex which unfortunately is where a lot of inexperienced guys get their education.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  26. Sherry Says:

    To the OP: some might disagree with my suggestion, but I suggest you obtain and watch a film called “The Art Of Sex.”

    It is a very tasteful adult film that displays what a man and woman do with each other when making very realistic love. It does not contain the acting, faking, and exaggerated screams and moans that characterize way too many phony Hollywood movie sex scenes.

    If you repeat the moves you see in the aforementioned film, the lucky woman who takes your virginity will think you are ‘good in bed’ and have plenty of sexual experience.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  27. D'Alias Says:

    I suspect adult virginity is a lot more common than people think.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

  28. Bill S Says:

    I’m a 32 year old virgin who wants to get laid to. Frankly I just haven’t tried hard enough. So I’m not making excuses like every girl I’m Attracted to has a boyfriend or that I live in San Antonio christianville Texas. But I do look up things like where do girls like being kissed
    And what not
    And I do think about sex regularly. So its kind of a so close yet so far feeling I get. And I do get frustrated. I just got to actually work on getting laid. But I’m not going to hate myself for it. In that regard I absolutely can’t stand other male virgins. I’m sure it isn’t rocket science and I probably can lie real good.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  29. Bill s Says:

    Also don’t romanticize women to much. I wasted my 20s on crushes with unavailable girls. And I was depressed and stupid about it back then. Not kicking my ass but I am not going to go there again.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

  30. Abby Says:

    Let the woman like you for who you are. Kiss and make out if you will, but you don’t need to share the virgin story with her until things get serious. A lot of women want to have sex right away in the hopes to get a guy to stay. You will be setting a different standard than how most guys treat most women. If you can see you both communicate well and things have been good for a couple of weeks and you think she may be a good contender and things could get serious, then share. Otherwise, just be confident and keep this story to yourself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

  31. Katie p Says:

    I feel like people are making him seem like a leper. The truth is it really isn’t anyone’s business. I’m 33 and single and if you are as great a catch as you describe I’d still date you and see where things go. I’m not a virgin, but I don’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I haven’t been in a committed relationship for almost 3 years… see where I’m going with this? You are not the only person out there not having sex!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

    • 35 yr old virgin Says:

      no I don’t see were your going with this, I see someone saying they have real trouble getting a woman because he hasn’t had se, and your saying you’ve had sex with multiple people, I don’t see the relevance of that or were its going at all, are you trying to boast you’ve had more sex than him ? well good or you, but your a woman so its obvious you’ve had loads of sex ! what a stupid statement !

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  32. Cin Says:

    Personally, I have no issue with an older man being a virgin. It’s what that virginity implies, which is that he most likely has never been in a serious relationship before. As someone who is looking for a LTR I’d be hesitant to take a chance on someone who has no previous experience with it. If I were to bail like these women, that would be my reasoning.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 9

  33. 35 yr old virgin Says:

    Im a 35 yr old virgin, m very handsome but I have aspergers and needless to say m terrible with women, people here dont understand its not easy to meet people, if t was that easy to meet a woman for sex no one would be in the state in the first place ! then when you know how undesreable you are and what a freak you are and you have to hide all that, ts pretty unpleasant and hardly makes a very difficult situation better to know your a freak, real confidence booster that, then to know you cant even have a LTR until you get sex with more women is a real pain, because if your not in a LTR how are you supposed to get the confidence to have sex, its difficult even if you do manage to lie to a woman that your confident, that coupled with needing all the other skills to get a woman is nothing short of impossible ! im going to get a hooker, yes people will judge me and no I hate the idea but then people are gonna judge you for being a virgin and doesn’t one hate the idea of never having a chance of love because you haven’t had enough night stands ?, do you really want something so stupid and meaningless and shallow as not enough 1 nighters to get in the way of true love and any hope of a nice women ? well to get that nice woman you need to have as much sex as her, you need a lot of one nighters and you need to be as sleezy as her, women need sleezy men so they don’t feel so sleezy !

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  34. margot Says:

    I absolutely disagree with the advice for this man to give it up by now. I am also a 33 year old virgin. Very attractive female but due to various beliefs and circumstances, I would be thrilled to also be with a virgin. I think sexuality and love are very important, and that purity in this way is highly valuable. Call me old-fashioned, but I would respect him and even like to meet him…I too live in Manhattan! Stay true to your convictions no matter what others are doing. You have them usually for a good reason…or a few!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  35. Tyler L Says:

    I was a virgin till about a year ago to the date, I lost it was 27 and I am guy. Here it the harsh truth about it:

    -There is a reason that is had not happened yet, you really need to figure out what that is and remedy it. It could be simply that you just have not been trying (and no, asking a girl out once a year does not count). Most guys in these situations simply do not try.

    -If you are over your mid 20s and still a virgin (barring any mental of psychical disabilities, which for 9 out of 10 men, there is none) you are still a virgin because of the choices you are actively making. Here are your real options to losing:
    –Find a relationship to where sex comes naturally, easier said than done, yes, but those dont come easy for anyone!
    –Pay a sex worker (a high class escort, cross the border to Canada where the limits are much looser, Vegas, and so on). I personally do not think that is the best way, but it is still an option and one’s choice if they do not do it.
    –Network up with a Swingers group in your area. Trust me, those are judgement free zones, and you apt to find a girl who is willing to have no strings attached causal sex with (the point of swinger groups).
    –Really hit the party scene with some friends (dont go at it alone)women who are open to casual sex (even where you all just a fling and sex ends up happening after hanging out a few times) can often be found in those groups.

    Dont buy into the whole “Sex wont solve your problems” while that is true, that is a terrible scope to look at with. Many guys need the confidence from the pay off of seducing a girl and having sex with her. Mine has boosted since losing my v-card. What you really need to do is affirm to yourself that you are worthy of having sex and finding that person who is willing.

    And avoid these very common pitfalls of the older male virgin:
    -Sex is not owed to anyone.
    -Yes, it’s a big deal to the beholder (it was to me) but keep it to yourself! You do not need to lie about being a virgin, just shut up about it! but sex and relationships of the romantic kind are casual things of everyday life. When you make it a big deal you are carrying it as baggage (you ve made it a big deal, now she will see it as is) and you ll most likely come off as needy and begging…to where you might as well go on the corner holding a sign that says “Older Virgin…Please Help!”
    -Like the original response said stop any fantasy you might have. Most commonly I’ve noticed in Older Virgin guys is something along the lines of going to a bar by themselves, being approached by a sexually aggressive girl who leads him all the way.

    It’s up to you, bro. All in all, you have to make something happen. No one is going to care either way, this is YOUR issue and everyone else solved their v-card (who lost it), why can’t you? You are a man, go after what you want (that is what is going to happen as you get older with that status, people will wonder for a moment “if he doesn’t want to be a virgin, why hasn’t he done something about it?”) Sit it on a it, and you ll be a year older and twice as frustrated each time.
    Good luck, you can do it!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

  36. AJ Says:

    I am curious for an update on this. I can assume that anyone who articulates the way this gentleman did so drops back in and checks the comments every so often. So? Are you still holding the V-card, or did you keep it in your pocket, no pun intended.
    Signed,
    A 7 year “reconfirmed” virgin

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

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