Comment: Just curious about your thoughts on something. I’m single, no kids. I have been married before but divorced awhile, had two long-term relationships since. I have been lucky to have lived in both Los Angeles and NYC, as well as traveled to many places all over the world. I consider myself savvy and sophisticated, but still funny and accessible. I am wondering, though, about how men receive my “story.” I’ve read here and other places that men want and need a woman to have some vulnerability. I have that but it’s underneath and you have to get to know me first. When I talk about my life experiences, is it signaling I don’t need a man? Or do I just say f##k it and be myself and the right fit will come along eventually.
I’m not sure how your story translates as not being vulnerable. Okay, so you’ve lived in some major metropolitan cities and are well traveled. And? How is that unique or special? The point I’m making is that being cultured and independent isn’t really a turn off. It sounds to me like that’s your narrative. As I’ve said before, people who self-identify in certain ways usually lack self-awareness. So, you might think you’re savvy and sophisticated, but it’s possible that men see you as stuck-up and pretentious. The fact that you think you even have a “story” is telling. It hints at the possibility that you see yourself as a character, not a person.
The notion of a single woman with a tough outer shell and only the right guy can break through it is a fantasy created by Lifetime movies. It’s a cliche. Take it from me, as someone who has constantly been told how “tough” and “strong” she is, that woman is not attractive to men. Strangers do not wish to work overtime trying to soften up or tear down some emotional wall. That just doesn’t happen.Viewing our softer side or our vulnerability as some prize that needs to be earned is the problem. It’s not a compromise of your integrity to just be nice and fun and easy to be with.
When people comment that I seem “no nonsense” and “self-sufficient” that’s code for abrasive and intolerant. I have a strong personality. Any man I date has to have a backbone. But that doesn’t mean that men who don’t want to date me are weak or don’t get me. Men are not deterred by a self-sufficient woman. They are turned off by a woman who doesn’t appear capable of letting them in. We’re too much work. There are times I have to shut my mouth and bite my tongue. I don’t wait for men to earn points before I show them my softer side. I make a concerted effort to do that right away because I know I have to, as it doesn’t come out naturally.
Sure, you can stay as is and cross your fingers that the right guy will come along. Maybe he’ll be played by Eddie Cibrian or Dean Cain. Or you could make a concerted effort to seem more vulnerable and available.
Or do I just say f##k it and be myself and the right fit will come along eventually
This is another myth we’ve been told over and over that we have come to take as fact. There is no such thing as someone just coming along. Especially at our age. At our age, we have to put in the work. The real question isn’t whether or not you need a man in your life, but rather do you want a man in your life. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t. Walking around seeing yourself as some heroine in a rom com is a waste of time for all involved.