THIS JUST IN: Not Everybody Is Meant To Hook Up

December 6th, 2013

Casual Dating, Casual sex, NEW!, OKCupid

Name: Andrewwomen-biting-laptops-10

Comment: Three months ago, I ended a ten-month relationship – the longest and most serious I’ve had. Since the relationship ended, I’ve been on dates with six women; five from and one from okcupid. None of the encounters have gone past two dates. While none of the dates were awful, looking back, it’s pretty clear to me why none went anywhere. What’s important is I’ve accepted the obvious. I’ve realized that I’m looking to casually date and feel free to hook up with multiple women.

I know there are people that are going judge me for wanting this at my age. I’m also aware that at 42, the number of women available to me and interested in what I’m looking for may not be very high. My attitude is that I need to look out for my own well being and not concern myself with what others think. I was a late bloomer and never really had that period in my early 20’s when I got to explore the casual hookup scene. There’s something I need to get out of my system before I can consider looking for a serious relationship again.

I have roughly four years of online dating experience. Through trial and error I’ve become relatively skilled on how the process works. Here’s where I’m running into problems handling my situation. Most of my dating experience has come through I’ve used okcupid sparingly. I have to admit, I’ve had reasonable success setting up dates via match. As anyone who’s familiar with the online dating scene knows, match is more relationship oriented. Okcupid, is more casually dating and hookup oriented, which I think would benefit me more right now.

The biggest problem I’ve run into is I find okcupids search engine  incredibly frustrating. For example, when I execute a search on okcupid, one of two things happens: I type in “Hoboken” as a keyword and end up with at best a handful of matches (this is using an age range of 27-45). When I don’t use keywords anywhere from 50%-75% of the women that pop up are from Brooklyn.

I have nothing against Brooklyn. but I’m not traveling there for a casual hookup. I’ll go out on a limb and say those women living there aren’t traveling to New Jersey when they can find an available guy much closer to home.  I also suspect that there’s lot more women in Hoboken (or near me) than the same handful that keep coming up in searches. My logic is simple. A casual dating hookup scenario is more likely with someone who lives close by.  I also suspect that the dating pool near me is a lot larger than the handful of women from that come up in okcupid’s search engine for non paying members.

Do you have any advice in terms of navigating okcupid’s awful match system. Is it worth becoming a paying member? Do I need to explore other sites or simply tough it out? I’d prefer to stick to these two sites rather than waste my time with plentyoffish (attracts the dregs) or Tinder (99.99% useless –reminds me of or venture on to some site that I know nothing about.  On a positive note, I’ve noticed that the women on okcupid tend to list a wider age range of interest (women 10-14 years younger willing to date men 10 plus years older than them). Any thoughts or feedback would be helpful.
Age: 42
City: Hoboken
State: nj

I already answered this.

Here’s the deal:

Not everybody can effortlessly find hook-ups. You seem determined to prove that theory wrong. Why? I don’t know. It took you a pretty long time just to have a regular relationship. Now you want to see what you were missing in your twenties. I hate to say it this harshly, but it doesn’t sound like you would have been getting laid much in your twenties, either.

You finally had a serious relationship, and now you think you’ve got enough going on that you can casually hook-up. You’re looking to check a box. Hah. Get it?

Andrew, I would suggest forgetting about this mission and just try to find another relationship. It took you an awfully long time to find the first one.  You dated someone for all of ten months. You’re not George Clooney. Get over yourself and snap out of it. The problem isn’t that you live in Hoboken. It’s that you’re not someone who makes women want to throw away all their rules and guidelines just to get a piece of that.

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91 Responses to “THIS JUST IN: Not Everybody Is Meant To Hook Up”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Wow, so Moxie meant that quite literally when she said she already answered this, heh.

    There probably just are more available people in Brooklyn. You can’t blame OKC for the laws of supply and demand and your geographical circumstances.

  2. BostonRobin Says:

    I would agree with Moxie’s advice, but I don’t think the OP is quite ready for a relationship. Too busy looking out for his own “well being.”

    Normally I would not wish PoF on anyone, but I think that’s the best he can hope for at this point. You have to know your market, know what you can pull. People on Match usually want relationships, so it’s the wrong place to look for hookups. And why not take the trip to Brooklyn if it’s just a hookup? Isn’t that less messy?

    Also, is it me or does anyone else think it looks weird to put such a low cap on your upper age limit? Three years is not fooling anyone. You are obviously only interested in younger women

    • mindstar Says:

      That coupled with the fact Hoboken is a youth orientated place. Most of the 20 somethings, who I’ll guess are his target market, will be dating other 20 somethings. The OP will have to have major points in his favor to pull a youngster in that competative market and based on Moxie’s assessment he doesn’t.

    • Andrew Says:

      Just an observation, but I see all the time on OkCupid women with very why the injury just like 30 to 45? 32-47,… Etc. what would you suggest as an acceptable age range?

  3. msM. Says:

    Perfect answer, Moxie, this guy sounds like the random creep on Okcupid all women have heard from at one point or another, and most have pressed the delete AND block buttons…total lack of self-awareness, and sees women as objects. Plus, if he were normal he’d see that he could get sex if he were interested in dating, but he is so low of the desirability scale that he is not even want that, he is avoiding truly connecting with anyone, all he wants is someone local he can meet quickly for sex…

    He should try craigslist casual encounters. He’s more likely to find what he is looking for there.

    • Andrew Says:

      Out of all the comments here, and summer pretty harsh, this is definitely the rudest and nastiest. I knew going in that people are going to judge what I was going to say, so I guess some of this is on me. I think this is why people don’t seek advice sometimes, they going in asking questions and telling the truth saying that they want to help themselves and then they get mocked and ridicule. I sound like a creep? I’m going to say that you sound like a bit of a jerk yourself.

      • mindstar Says:

        You’re judged by your actions Andrew. Your profile indicates that you will date women 15 years younger than you are but your age cut-off is only 3 years older. You have to understand that ALONE with turn most women off.

        • Andrew Says:

          You might want to explain that further, because that doesn’t make much sense. A woman 15 years older than me would be 57 years old. Men more often than not will date women younger than that. Answer me this, are you more likely to see a 42-year-old man with a 30-year-old woman or a 42-year-old man with a 52-year-old woman? I really am trying to be objective here, but what you’re saying about being able to go 15 years younger, and only three years older doesn’t really make sense. So by your logic I should be saying 27 to 57? Or 39 to 42? Please explain, because what you’re saying really doesn’t make a lot of sense right now.

          • mindstar Says:

            The problem you’re having is your evaluating your profile range from YOUR perspective not from a woman’s. The average woman looking at it (as BostonRobin pointed out above) will see you as a 42 year old chasing 20 somethings and rejecting women a few years older that you. That leads them to the next question. Do you genuinely believe that you can compete against 20 something men for the 20 something women you’re seeking? Are you in great physical shape? Are you good looking? Are you financially well off? Unless the answer to these questions is yes they’ll judge you to be a creep and move on. And to answer the question you seem so focused on when I was dating on OkCupid I believe my age range was 38 to 58 and I was 48 years old at the time.

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          The only women that are going to be offended by this are the ones he doesn’t want anyway.

      • Zaire Says:

        Well, that’s the point of asking for advice anonymously. How can you truly shame and ridiculous someone who is faceless? People aren’t afraid of asking for advice because of mock and ridicule. They don’t ask for advice because they are afraid the advice won’t line up with their inner narrative.

      • msM. Says:

        Look, Andrew, why are you taking these comments personally??? we don’t know you or your situation, but I can speak of the many men I have heard from on OkCupid that sound sort of like you. The basic problem is you realize the numbers are against you. The online dating game favors women in the age range you are looking for, not men.

        The way you are responding to this makes me think that you in fact cannot see the situation objectively. Namely, it’s not about what YOU want, it’s about finding someone who will want the things you want, which is, for lack of a better term, a market issue.

        If I, as a 34YO woman had said “I only want 36-42 YO men who have never been married and make more than 500k/year and look like a Ralph Lauren model” I would have had a similar response from commenters, based on the fact that unless I were model material and/or wealthy/heiress myself, that is a very unrealistic assessment of what is out there for me.

        You also take gendered cultural norms for granted, assuming that you are somehow entitled to dating younger women, but all of that is a matter of your own value which you seem to lack basic awareness of.

        I was talking to a very cute, Manhattan-based corporate lawyer who is 36, and partner at a big law firm and I noticed that he had a large age span in his search. Immediately that rang the “casual sex” bell which is fine, but in his case, his “value” in the online dating world be very high because he is a high earner, tall & very good looking ( could easily pick women in bars type), and never married. I am not under the illusion that he will “pick” me because I know he can have just about any woman he wants online and probably off line- he is in his prime. So he can afford to wine and dine and have casual sex as much as he wants because he has what other women find valuable. So there is an exchange. He wants women and women want him. We are talking generics here, NOT “love”.

        Are you like this guy? Do you have what women find generally attractive in online dating? Are you tall, very handsome, great job & living in Manhattan, because if you are, I can guarantee you, you would have no problems finding younger or older women. The minute you don’t have these things you have to begin to assess what is out there for you, realistically. And you are finding that it is not so easy, is it?

        The “numbers’ for women who are significantly lower in age, in Hoboken, who are interested in a man who is 42 and not looking for a serious relationship are not in your favor. So you either assess your real situation and change your approach, or you will have a hard time finding the women who want what you want.

        • Andrew Says:

          I had a rough day. I guess I saw what was being written about me and got more offended than I should have. I saw was being said and felt I had to respond. To answer your question about age range, I prefer to date younger women. I guess the reason I kept the age range so broad is that I want to keep my options open. I understand now how that can come across negatively. Your lawyer example makes perfect sense and I understand what the competition is. I’m also aware of the odds. And you’re absolutely right I have to take all of this into consideration. I appreciate the tough but fair approach to your post.

          • LostSailor Says:

            The thing is, Andrew, that Mindstar is absolutely correct. Online dating is different than meeting women in the real world. And online, they will judge you, mercilessly.

            The point is that women online will see your target age range of 27-45 the will definitely read that as “trolling for young babes” and take you less seriously. Out in the real world, depending on your looks, style, and how confident your manner is, you might be able to land a late-20s woman. But online, that’s not the case. Let me ask you a question: how many responses have you gotten (let alone actual dates) with under 30 women online?

            When you say you prefer to date younger women, what is the real age range you’re looking for? Under 35? Younger? You have to manage your expectations; the world will not bend itself to your wishes.

            Trying to sow your oats at 42 because you didn’t get it in in your 20s is going to be an uphill battle and will likely only succeed if you’re absolutely on top of your game, which especially includes rock-solid confidence, even if you’ve had a bad day.

      • Howard Says:

        Well you have to be ready for anything when you comment on this board and lord forbid become an OP. I have never done an ad hominen attack on anyone here, but I have had my share of people attacking me personally. The trick is to not feed into any of it. If you do, you are going to lose. That doesn’t sound fair, but that’s the way it is. Don’t even dignify any of these attacks with an answer.

        Now, about your little problem. It’s all about economics. The laws of supply and demand applies. There are a whole lot more men looking to hook up than women. So the odds are against you if you are a man. There are a whole lot more women looking to do relationships than men. So if you can convince women that you are one of the few men looking to do a relationship, then you ease your path considerably.

        The next issue is age. It’s valuable currency. But look on the bright side, as a man it’s not as bad as it is for women when it comes to age. I have an acquaintance about 50 years old who has strange illusions about women throwing panties at him. I had to give him the wake up call, that it didn’t matter how well he could dance or how big his penis was, or how well he dressed, once he was past forty, younger women weren’t throwing their panties at him, unless he had serious money.

        The money thing may sound crass but it easily gets guys a solution to their problem, hooking up with younger women. Look at the converse. Even with money, it’s still sometimes hard for women to get what they want, a true relationship.

        So you have a few choices here. I am going to list them out for you.

        1. Follow Moxie’s advice and forget about hooking up.
        2. Accept the rules of the game, and get what is required to hook up with younger women.
        3. If hooking up with younger women means that much to you, then maybe relax your scale on looks, and geography.
        4. Consider hooking up with an older woman. you will then hold the currency of age. Lots of 50 year old women looking to hook up. You would be surprised. They like their life, the way it is, and don’t want to change it; just need a little fun from time to time.
        5. Do what many men do to solve the problem, by telling women what they want to hear. ie Telling them you want a relationship, when all you want is a piece of ass. A word of warning though, women have caught on to this and are always wary of these guys. Unfortunately women still fall for this bullshit because they so desperately want that relationship.
        6. Do the heavy lifting. Immerse yourself in the PUA training thing. It actually works, despite what women think or say.

        The more I look down that list, the more Moxie’s advice seems to make the best sense for you. Good luck!

        • Andrew Says:

          I learned that the hard way. I’ve only written in once before and the reaction wasn’t one tenth as harsh (I chose a safer topic that time.)

          I appreciate the responses that were tough but fair. Even those that went from being harsh to a little more reasonable.

          With the exception of Eliza. The multiple posters have been mostly fair considering the information available.

          If there’s a next time, I now know – don’t engage.

  4. Nicole Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with using online dating sites to hook-up, but it’s not working for you right now, so… Why not just go out looking for women at bars or clubs?

    It’s not like you care at this point what a woman does for a living or what her hobbies are, and her location only matters insofar as it affects your chances of getting her to go home with you. Would think this is a one of those situations where you’d have much better luck just hitting on women in person. Plus, no need to waste time on a coffee date to determine if she really looks like her pictures.

    (Seeing as this is the glaringly obvious solution, I’m guessing the OP has tried it before, without success. Which makes me think that whatever’s keeping him from meeting women to hook up with is a lot more about HIM than okc’s search engine.)

    • Eliza Says:

      haha…love it – and loved Moxie’s reply. It was brutal–but to the point. The OP is using these sites just to get “laid” – OK, that pretty much sums up many other’s intentions, so not big deal. What the OP doesn’t fully comprehend–and which amazes me — at his age (42) – that just like he is looking “out for himself”…well, women in their 40’s or even 30’s – are “looking out for THEMSELVES”…and are not going to succumb to his so-called strategies online – just to please him. I find, that if a person (man or woman) – has very little luck meeting while out at social functions – it’s often for a reason, and online it’s actually tougher to secure an actual date, based on a photo or two. Also, women pick up that a man is not interested in them, so – most intelligent women will delete, delete, delete a man that is that transparent about just wanting to “hook up”. The OP is best off going to a local bar for what he wants. Why spend all this time trying to meet someone online. Too much work on the computer for a one-night stand.

      • J Says:

        In all due respect, “Moxie” sounds equally socially inept when talking about whether this guy could get laid or not in his 20s.

        Andrew needs to work on his profile and work on meeting people on a person to person basis. His intentions represent the same as 99% of men. His presentation needs improvement but to attack his character is in essence attacking the motives of most other men as well.

        • Andrew Says:

          I was reminded of how many spiteful and judgment until people there are out there today. I admit, the way I presented myself the letter was not good. I have to take responsibility for that. Not like you said and the personal attacks is totally uncalled for and immature in a lot of ways. It really makes me question the mentality of some of the readers and their maturity as well.

    • msM. Says:

      Actually, I’d think meeting women in bars is too expensive for him, he’d have to buy the women some drinks and would have to deal with live rejection and initial ambiguity, which isn’t something he is interested in. IMO men who are good at meeting women in real life or at bars don’t do much online dating, simply because they don’t have to.

      • J Says:

        Totally incorrect. Although I’ve never resorted to online dating, I would not consider myself to be a huge catch. I still go on dates. But I am a bit picky as well.

      • Andrew Says:

        Pretending to know how much money makes me question just how mature you are. Or maybe what experiences you’ve had in your life? Daddy issues? Been dicked over by too many guys?… How does it feel?

      • Eliza Says:

        msM. You have a point there. When a man is intelligent, good looking and has charm and game and naturally draws women in, without being crass or too transparent…even if their intention is to get intimate and walk away–they won’t resort to trolling online dating sites. Those men have options, and won’t merely look to date “younger” women, but women whom they find attractive/interesting in spite of their age. Age is secondary, as long as that connection is there. A man that replies “Been DICKED over by too many guys” – displays a particular level of education and maturity. Secondly, don’t go on a blog asking for advice, if you can’t take the truth…Ruth. People are being sincere by expressing their opinions–based on gender perspective. One would think the OP would actually appreciate that sincerity, and use that to tweek his approach. As they say, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. Women are quite intelligent, and many of us can immediately sense when a man is merely trying to use us. Conversation goes a long way. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. EVERYONE on here is entitled to their opinion. I personally feel that if you have looks AND personality – that personality shines in face to face encounters…and that may win over a lady in her late 20’s, 30’s or 40’s. What I truly don’t get is…if all you want is to “sow your oats at 42″ which means casual sex, one night stands…who cares how old the woman long as you find her attractive.

        • Andrew Says:

          You know what my biggest mistake was? What Howard and LostSailor pointed out -feeding into the ad hominem attacks and taking remarks by people who don’t know me from Adam personally.

          If you’ve read these posts carefully. You’ll see that I’ve thanked several people for their advice, admitted mistakes, and admitted when the other person had a valid point. When I get through reading the last of these I’m going to post what I hope is one final remark.

    • Andrew Says:

      A majority what’s being said here, I can take. I’m beginning to wonder what your situation is, that you have to be so nasty and your judgments of people.

    • Andrew Says:

      I appreciate the fact that your post is not half as judgmental as some of these. I should’ve known that when I posted something like this I was going to run into some pretty nasty comments. I I realize now I should’ve included more information, cause there’s probably more to the story than this. I will say this in my defense is I probably not have not given match or OkCupid enough of a go lately. Or better yet I probably should have said I was looking to causally date. Although now that I think about it, I should probably be burned at the steak just for saying that. How dare I even think that I can do that. (Yes, there’s a little bit of sarcasm in that last comment but after what it’s Wrightsummit today I think I’m entitled to take at least a jab or two.

      • Nicole Says:

        Andrew, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship. What I took from your letter is that you’re looking for casual hook ups, either one-night stands or an ongoing but uncommitted situation. Ok, cool, you do you.

        It’s just that most women online AREN’T looking for that. Women can find casual sex a lot easier than men, if a woman wants to get laid, she goes out to a bar. There may be a few ladies online looking to find a FWB, but they will be in very high demand.

        So, you can make sure you up your game online… Profile and messages… And downplay the casualness of your intentions. Nobody starts off in a committed relationship on the first date, just go out with a woman for a few weeks or months and then move on when she starts expecting you to be her serious boyfriend. It’s a little douchey, but you won’t be the first guy.

        Or go out to places where hook-up seeking women hang out. I wasn’t kidding when I suggested this… Is there some reason the bar/club scene doesn’t work for you?

        • Andrew Says:

          I agree. Especially with what you said about Women being able to get casual sex much easier than a man can. That’s just reality right there. As for the bar scene, I guess it’s a matter of me knowing what I’m dealing with. I’m competing with guys who were 1015 years younger than me. The choices either suck it up, deal with it and work on my bargaining or simply go another route. What you said and the “just date” advice are the best pieces of advice I got all day.

          • Eliza Says:

            Andrew: OK, what Nicole is suggesting makes sense…because you are 42…women on line, that are in their 30’s who are career oriented, very attractive, and have it all going on…will probably have many options in dating…and they may want to date with the purpose of eventually getting serious and more committed. If what you seek is to “sow your oats”, which is what you said actually…and there is nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship too. But if that’s the case, you need to know your target market. And that would include women who are cool with casual sex, and one night stands…so why go back with emails on sites…when you can walk into some local watering hole…(Not in Brooklyn)…and go for the prize? I guess you can deceive some women and pretend you want a relationship to get what you get, and then disappear (and be the “douche”)-if you can handle that, fine….kudos to you. I personally like to be upfront with my intentions. There are women who will be OK with FWB or one night stands I’m sure. From you post, I gather you don’t want to invest much time or money–hence the hemming and hawing about going to Brooklyn. Re-read your post. Don’t blame people for being logical on this blog.

  5. D. Says:

    Perhaps the OP should focus less on “hookups” and more on “casual dating.” By which I mean focus less on meeting people for the express purpose of fucking, and more on meeting people to enjoy a nice night out, good conversation, and maybe sex — but also maybe not. No big deal. Although it may just be that Hoboken is simply not a good area for OKC users and he should stick to Match or be willing to head to Brooklyn.

    I’d also ask whether the OP has tried any of Moxie’s suggestions from the nearly identical previous submission from a few months ago. If not, try that. If he has, maybe it’s time to accept that hookups are off the menu.

    • Eliza Says:

      D. The reason the OP doesn’t want to “casually date” – is because he doesn’t even want to spend time “talking” – over a cup of coffee – or faking his interest in the woman seated across from him. He merely wants to “Fuck” women, use them, and be on his way. His idea of enjoying an evening out – is not about conversation, but the ultimate end result – which is sex for him. But he doesn’t want to invest too much time and probably too much money on his end. Hoboken is very lively and young, tons of pretty girls – AND good looking guys- the OP would have to compete with – and YOUNGER men, who probably have better game, and don’t come across too transparent. There are people who don’t want to put ANY effort by going out, making conversation–they want it all – at the “click of their mouse”–no work involved…hence online encounters. But with that comes a lot of back and forth wasted time. Nothing worthwhile comes easy and quickly. Which is why I suggested your local watering hole, unless the OP has been to all of them, and has exhausted that possiblity, since he is known there? could be.

      • Andrew Says:

        With all the respect, don’t put words in my mouth. I did not say I just wanted to F women. Are we clear with that?

        • Andrew Says:

          I meant to say with all due respect. The voice option on my phone, isn’t always reading the words correctly, lol. Now that I think about it, I’m not so sure you deserve my courtesy after some what you said. A little piece of friendly advice, don’t pretend to know people. The fact that you can make so many negative assumptions makes me wonder where you’re coming from exactly.

        • Eliza Says:

          Put on your big boy pants, and handle the truth.
          You wrote:
          I was a late bloomer and never really had that period in my early 20’s when I got to explore the casual hookup scene. There’s something I need to get out of my system before I can consider looking for a serious relationship again.

          Verbatim. Casual hookup = Fucking. What else do you define that as. Having high tea and biscuits on a Sunday afternoon? Not. Didn’t think so.
          It is what it is. Accept it.
          Again…nothing wrong with wanting that. Just OWN IT. Be accountable for what you want and own it, Andrew.

          You’re wrong. And think before you blog then. Because all of us are going to respond based on what WE READ. Verbatim.

          • Andrew Says:

            I think you might want to go back and read a little more carefully. Otherwise, I’ll assume you’re just trying to antagonize…I know people tend to grow balls over the internet but this is a little silly.

      • Andrew Says:

        Actually a Liza, I never said anything like that. And I really don’t appreciate your putting words in my mouth. Again I will admit that yes I could’ve chosen my words better. But not once did I ever say or insinuate anything like your site. So therefore I don’t appreciate your judge mental and uninformed comments. I guess what I’m trying to say politely is that… You’re wrong

    • Andrew Says:

      Which article he referring to? The reason I ask is that looking back I really should’ve used the term casual dating and not hook up. Because again I’m not really talking about one and done hookups. I probably should’ve included other details as well. Thank you for not going off on me like some of these people did. I should have known the attack dogs would’ve been out in full force.

    • C Says:

      Andrew, sorry man, but your social skills kind of suck. Improve your social skills and you will improve your chances with women for both relationships and hookups. Also make sure you look sharp.

      I’m not sure if you have Aspergers or some other social malady. I ask this because you seem to not understand the give-and-take element of human interaction. The fact that your LONGEST relationship at age 42 was 10-months which is what I’d expect to hear from a high school kid not a grown man, sounds like something is off.

      Fix your social skills and your empathy and you will start getting what you want.

      • Andrew Says:

        I’m going to guess one of two things here. One is either a) you’re trying to get a rise out of me, especially with the Apsburgers comment. Or b) you yourself might be maladjusted and use the Internet to take out your securities on other people. I suggest worrying about yourself. And also, something tells me you are probably not licensed to make such judgments…ie you’re probably not a doctor.

        • J Says:

          Don’t take it personally. Some people project their own character flaws onto others

          • C Says:

            No I’m not a doctor nor do I have aspergers nor was I trying to insult the OP. A friend of mine has a son with Aspergers and he wasnt diagnosed until well into adolescence while struggling with social and dietary issues.

            Ok OP, fine, I get it. You dont want honest feedback. You strictly want answers along a very narrow pathway so here you go: find out where in Hoboken you can meet women who are either in the country illegally or who’s US visa is about to run out. This would include college students who dont want to go back to their home country. Wear a condom. Easy peasy. The end.

      • Andrew Says:

        I don’t know how old you are, but something tells me you didn’t think very hard before you made your comment. No I didn’t say that I didn’t want honest feedback but as someone mentioned earlier attacking someone’s character is completely uncalled for and out of line. So far that doesn’t seem to be the popular view today judging by the number of thumbs down on my posts and the one post it said that. Then again I guess I really have to realize the audience I”m dealing with already had their mind made up.

        • C Says:

          I’m your age and I’m not attacking your character. I told you that your approach was not effective and tried to suggest why your approach seems to be ineffective. When you recoiled from that advise I gave you again, real advise. You asked where you can get easy access to a wide supply of attractive women willing to have casual relationships. I’m telling you, women who want US citizenship and are running out of time will be looking for a husband and fast. You dont need to marry these women, just date them. They will be more likely to move a relationship along faster and be less picky. I know this because I’ve seen it happen. These women will be students and women visiting distant family members on a visitors visa.

          Where am I attacking your character?

          • mindstar Says:

            Sound advice C unfortunately too many people appear to only want the advice that fits their own world view. If you ask them to view things from different perspective they reject it.

          • Andrew Says:

            Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had a bad day, but the comment you made suggesting that I was so slim out adjusted seem pretty harsh. Moxie’s advice was reasonable. I agree with you that my presentation was not effective. Naturally, I took offense to some of what was being said about me. I came looking for advice and next thing I know I’m being made out to be some creep and a pervert. But I digress.

            What you said about foreign women is actually an interesting point. Something I never thought of. I respect the fact that you asked me to explain myself clearer because that does show some character. I’ve only put in a question once before in the site, and the reactions were not quite nearly as harsh. I should’ve known what I was getting myself into. Lesson learned.

          • Andrew Says:

            I meant to say maladjusted, not slim adjusted. Damn speaker, LOL. And to answer mindstar… No that’s not it. It’s the attacks on my character. I don’t know how many times I can say that.

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Andrew, curious how long it took you to explain to your voice recognition software how to type out “LOL”. Was it worth it? You should dictate your blog comments to your secretary and have her type them up like I do. Enclosing, I have been enjoying partier comments, if not aladem.

          • Eliza Says:

            C: Very logical and well-written reply. But you are wasting your breathe on Andrew. He feels EVERYONE here is personally attacking him.
            And I agree, the women in the category you mentioned may be more inclined to give the OP what he seeks…and geographically where Andrew is looking…in Hoboken or within minutes of that area. I didn’t see where you attacked his character. But I guess the OP feels defensive, and asked for advice, yet can’t seem to take the truth or reasonable suggestions. The local watering hole, or the women you suggest! :)

  6. coffeestop Says:

    He’s 42 and he just ended his first long term relationship that lasted 10 months? He should look after his well being, maybe he is not that great at relationships casual or hook up.

    • Andrew Says:

      I was going to say something and reply to this, but I think I’m just going to let this one go. After all, I don’t know you, you don’t mail me.

  7. Andrew Says:

    This is exactly why was hesitant to even write about this. I had a feeling I would be judged, ridiculed, mocked. I guess that goes with. Something like this. At the same time I guess I have to digest some of what was said because it can’t all be lies. Maybe you should’ve just said casually date. As for the George Clooney remark… Really? That was uncalled for. While I understand someone saying come on I really feel like he used my what I wrote you basically take cheap shots. At least that’s how it came across initially.

    • Eliza Says:

      awwww…boohoo…don’t cry now. Just use advice that makes sense, and use it to tweek your approach. Be positive, and stop taking things so personally. You are getting people’s honest perspectives. What you wrote was simple. You want “casual hookup”…don’t recant…nothing horrible with wanting that.

  8. Andrew Says:

    I’m to say this hopefully enclosing. I should’ve chosen my words better. I should’ve said casually date rather than look to jump into another relationship immediately. At the same time now I am have a better understanding of why more people don’t ask for advice. They risk being ridiculed, judged, so on and so forth. There are pieces of information that I put in there in good faith that people just immediately picked on. I guess I learned something from that. I do find it interesting that there were a couple of women who immediately assumed the worst. I think there maybe something to be said for that. I guess any advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Let the parade of thumbs down begin.

    • C Says:

      Your letter came across poorly. Consider the fact that when there are numerous people that read the same thing from what you were saying that perhaps you are not communicating your intentions effectively.

      You can complain that you are being “picked on” or you can consider the fact that you are communicating your intention in a way that is coming across badly. Maybe this is in part why you arent getting what you want on dates namely that you are not communicating your intentions well and coming off as a “take, take, take” light.

      • D. Says:

        To sort of continue along these lines, you may say you want to casually date, but people may hear that as “hook up” or “be my fuck buddy” or whatever. Here’s an honest question for you, Andrew: are you either stating that you want casual dating (or something like it, e.g., “Not looking for anything serious right now, just hoping to meet some people.”) in your profile or in person? If so, my advice is simple: stop doing that.

        Just date, man. Go out on dates. See where it goes. Don’t approach it with an end goal and don’t limit yourself by saying “I only want a relationship” or “I only want to date casually.” Treat folks on a case-by-case basis instead of making a categorical statement that may just as well prove incorrect if you meet the right person.

        If you’re in that position — where you’re open to things developing, but ok if they don’t — then you don’t have to really broadcast what it is you’re looking for.

        Just date. You don’t have to have an agenda outside of “I’d like to go out on dates and see what happens.”

        • Michelle Says:

          ****Just date, man. Go out on dates. See where it goes. Don’t approach it with an end goal and don’t limit yourself by saying “I only want a relationship” or “I only want to date casually.” Treat folks on a case-by-case basis instead of making a categorical statement that may just as well prove incorrect if you meet the right person.****

          This is great advice, but it takes so much growing and learning to come full circle to this kind of simplicity. I for one am still on the journey.

          • Andrew Says:

            The fact that your comment got two thumbs down illustrates the petty and dictate vindictive nature of some of the posters here. Sometimes I think it becomes about winning the argument rather than simply having a discussion.

        • Andrew Says:

          This is the most sensible a piece of advice posted on this board today. Thank you for that. To answer your question, my profile does not say anything about casual dating. I know from experience is not wise to include that.. It’s amazing how one positive comment can make up for all the negativity that appeared on this board today.

      • Andrew Says:

        First of all “C” or whatever you call yourself. You lost all credibility after
        the Aspbergers comment (sp?). Second, thank you for pointing out what was already knowledged, the poor presentation. Accusing people of having mental disorders, and attacking the character shows a great lack of character on the part of the person saying it. It’s one thing to suggest changing the age range on my profile or point out that if I’m looking for a bar hook up, I better have a hell of a lot to offer. Those are legitimate points. Attacking someone’s character is not acceptable. Your comment, was way out of line.

  9. J Says:

    I think there’s alot of information missing here to begin with. I think the assumption that he wouldn’t have gotten laid in his 20s is flat out ridiculous for various reasons. I think this guy has a power complex. While the best thing he can do is make a character adjustment. He is asking for way too much for what he is most likely offering.

    • Andrew Says:

      I appreciate the first partier comment. I’m not quite sure where you’re getting power trip from. At my age I should know that there are people that just like to bash other people because it makes them feel better. I’m not suggesting you’re doing that. I think the lesson for me is to choose my words more wisely.

  10. ATWYSingle Says:

    How the hell does this post have 45 comments?

  11. LostSailor Says:

    Andrew, I don’t think you’re going to have a lot of success in your dating quest online. It’s an environment that has a high effort input to success output ratio.

    I agree with the comments that you would likely have better success in the real world. Hoboken isn’t the dead zone it was many years ago. It doesn’t just have to be bars, but other activities where you can meet women. And part of the reason is that you seem, in my estimation based on your letter and responses here, to need real-world experience interacting with people and especially women.

    I say that because you come across here as particularly thin-skinned. The comments in this thread are not even the most pointed around these parts. You seem especially fearful of being “judged.” Well, women you date are going to be judging you. You’ll have to get used to it. You also seem to have a fear of being “ridiculed, mocked” when I simply don’t see the comments as doing that. That you felt Michelle’s comment (@ 3:44) was “petty” and “vindictive” when it was actually fairly supportive and benign. How is suggesting that we all have learning and growing to do petty or vindictive?

    The evidence in your letter and comments here, and the fact that you describe yourself as a “late bloomer” who has only had one serious relationship of 10 months by the age of 42, clearly indicates that your social skills need some work. Being overly sensitive about what other people think of you is definitely not an attractive trait, and that can very easily bleed into your interactions with women. Why? It screams lack of confidence and lack of confidence is the attraction killer.

    Sorry if you think this is harsh, but it’s also honest.

    Oh, and you should absolutely be checking the “casual dating” or “short-term dating” box. If all you’re checking is long-term dating, you’re attracting the wrong women who are very much less likely to be into any kind of casual sexual relationship.

    • Andrew Says:

      Looking back, I can understand why I received some of the responses I did. I agree, unfair or not, it doesn’t matter –people judge. As for what Michelle said, I thought her comment was positive – I just found it interesting that she got two thumbs down for saying something positive.

      My mistake was two-fold. I left out some important details. I’ve actually had success online but didn’t articulate those experiences properly. There are some other details that I left out about what’s happened in the last few months because I already knew what went wrong. More importantly, I asked the wrong question without realizing the answer is obvious; just date.

      As for Hoboken, there’s a lot going on here and I’m pretty involved. Time to start using that to my advantage.

      Your comments aren’t harsh. Obviously, I know my situation best and what I need to work on. You’re assessment is accurate – I got too fired up over what was being said and let it get the better of me.

  12. Andrew Says:

    Let me ask you a question: how many responses have you gotten (let alone actual dates) with under 30 women online?

    When I was 39, I dated a 28 year-old for two months. Otherwise, a handful over dates here and there. I hear ya, it’s not what I should or do expect.

    When you say you prefer to date younger women, what is the real age range you’re looking for? Under 35?

    34-42. Younger than 34 isn’t likely. More than a year older doesn’t appeal to me. Again, there are always exceptions.

    • LostSailor Says:

      I’m older than you, and have adjusted my expectations accordingly, with much more dating success and far less angst. If your real target range in 34-42, then that’s what you should put, and it’s much less likely to sound alarm bells with women who read your online profile. I would suggest actually listing a higher upper limit, say 45-48. One reason is, hey, you never know; the other is that is indicates more flexibility on your part and that makes women more comfortable. You don’t have to respond to anyone who you don’t think you’re attracted to, though I’ve dated women a couple of years older who were pretty great. Options.

      Remember, online dating is a lot like marketing and advertising. The online part is preliminary, the dating always happens offline…

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        This is a truly excellent insight, which I’m personally going to test out myself. My upper age range is fairly high but I think my lower age range is too low, and I never really date women that young. Haven’t adjusted it for a while. The only part of your advice with which I disagree is that I didn’t think of it first.

      • C Says:

        I agree. When I see a 42 year old guy looking to date 25-43, i assume he is interested in women under 30. Its not an alarm bell. But my initial reaction is a roll of the eyes. Its much worse if the guy is 45 and lists his range 20-39. Even though i fit in that range and may consider a 45 year old, he just lost me. The fact that he wouldn’t consider dating “an equal” is off putting for me.

        If OP is not attracted to older women, its not a big deal. Personally, I ddon’t hold that against guys as lots of guys his age feel the same way.

        honestly, I doubt the age range is whats killing his opportunities. He has been online for 3. Months, met several girls and things went nowhere. Is this normal for guys? 3 Months isnisn’t very long.

    • msM. Says:

      Andrew I can sort of sympathize with you because the reality of the matter is you will be dealing with the toughest dating crowd, us women 34-42 looking for men in your age range tend to be looking to settle down, preferably sooner rather than later. So I can see why dating younger women would be “easier”. We cut our losses early in the game.

      I’d say you would have to have a clear idea of how you are going to present yourself to the women in person because as you’d said in your letter, after 2 dates it doesn’t work out for you and I know from experience that is as long it takes to find out if the guy is serious. I am assuming that you have been rejected for that reason before. I know that if I meet a guy your age who is not interested in anything serious, I will dump him very quickly, unless he is brilliant at something (successful writer or musician who’d take me to interesting parties, etc…) has an interesting life, and can add something to the equation rather than sex and thai take-out. The last thing most women in NYC really want is a really average guy with a rockstar sense of entitlement.

      What you have to offer isn’t much (i.e. all men want easy sex if they can get it), so you have to be careful that you present yourself in the best possible light.

      • Andrew Says:

        It’s interesting to read other peoples POV’s on the topic. What I see one way (myself trying to figure some things out) can be perceived a totally different way by someone else (rockstar sense of entitlement). Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle?

    • Andrew Says:

      I think people voted this post down just for the sake of it. It’s not even remotely offensive. Some of my other ones are far worse..esp the spelling (blame voice text) : P

  13. Dori Says:

    I wonder whether OP’s difficulties with online dating are at least in part due to his (or allegedly his voice recognition software’s) atrocious spelling. OKC women are a picky lot…

    • Andrew Says:

      I knew after I reread someone would remark. I’m surprised it took this long. It’s actually kind of funny to look at after the fact.

      • Dori Says:

        OP, I am not sure how many previous commenters belong to your target demographic: women 34-42, using OKC for casual dating, not looking for anything serious. Since I do belong to this demographic, I speak from personal experience. When I was using OKC, I did not reply to guys who don’t use spell check. Because I did not need to, there are plenty of guys there who know how to spell, and demonstrate attention to detail. If a guy does not care how he comes across, he likely would not care much about his partner’s satisfaction either.

        Oh, and by the way, there is an easy way to narrow down your search geographically without becoming a paid subscriber. Hint: it requires attention to detail.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          **Oh, and by the way, there is an easy way to narrow down your search geographically without becoming a paid subscriber. Hint: it requires attention to detail.**

          You just go to the search page and there are all those scroll down menus, right? It’ll say looking for: Men/women/both, there’s a section to enter age range…and then…there’s a scroll down menu to specify, “Within 5/10/25/100 miles of me.”

          So is it accurate to surmise that this whole discussion would have been avoided if attention had simply been to that one particular detail? (Well, if you take the OP’s questions at face value…which you probably shouldn’t, given how he reacted to people in the comments).

          **If a guy does not care how he comes across, he likely would not care much about his partner’s satisfaction either.**

          DING DING DING! Winner winner, chicken dinner. As others have said, savvy men know how to at least pretend to care.

          • fuzzilla Says:

            Kinda stating the obvious, but it’s rather funny the OP has *no* problem specifying his desired age range, yet the “within X miles of me” scroll down menu right next to it, which requires the same cognitive skill set, is just this baffling mystery. This is why everyone’s giving you a hard time, OP; they’re calling bullshit.

            Actually, the OP’s stated age preference wouldn’t really bother me. What really squicks me out is when a guy’s top accepted age is several years younger than himself.

  14. Andrew Says:

    “If what you seek is to “sow your oats”, which is what you said actually…”

    I never used the words “sow my oats” if you want to imply that, go ahead. This is probably an unwinnable argument.

    This is verbatim what I said about Brooklyn:

    I have nothing against Brooklyn. but I’m not traveling there for a casual hookup. I’ll go out on a limb and say those women living there aren’t traveling to New Jersey when they can find an available guy much closer to home.

    Note the last sentence:

    I’ll go out on a limb and say those women living there aren’t traveling to New Jersey when they can find an available guy much closer to home. (translation: A woman living in Brooklyn doesn’t need to come to Hoboken to hook up when there are thousands of available men in Brooklyn.)

    I can understand the criticism about the 27-45 age range. The supply and demand argument is even stronger. I even admitted umpteen times that chose my words poorly. I guess I’m foolish for thinking that someone might go back and say –maybe they misinterpreted part of my post as well.

  15. Andrew Says:

    C: Very logical and well-written reply. But you are wasting your breathe on Andrew. He feels EVERYONE here is personally attacking him.

    Nice try : )

  16. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “If there’s a next time, I now know – don’t engage.”

    Why wait until next time? There’s no time like the present.

  17. Kurt Says:

    This guy really needs to start trying to meet women in the real world instead of just via the Internet and he might find more success. There are a lot of women who refuse to use Internet dating.

    At his age of 42, the odds are actually really in his favor if he wants to go after women of similar ages.

    • msM. Says:

      I’d say the odds are against him if all he wants is a no-strings attached type of deal. Hard to find women in the 40-42 range interested in a guy who does not have much going for him and is only interested in NSA sex/ “casual dating” aka going nowhere situations. It’s difficult, especially online, where women do a lot of screening before hand.
      I’d say if he had at least one attractive element thing going (among exceptional career/achievements/interesting life/charming manner/money/looks/well-connected), he could maybe get something, the problem is that from the sounds of the letter and what he has written on his posts it sounds like he is just average. So average gets you average and he is not willing to accept that.

      • Kurt Says:

        Yes, but what about divorced women? I bet there are many in his age range who aren’t looking for anything serious, particularly if they are recently divorced and/or have kids.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I know that, “Oh God, marriage was hell – never again” thing is common with divorced men. Don’t know about for women (never tried to date them), but that’s a possibility.

          • C Says:

            not an ex-married myself, but for women its less of a never again, but rather more of a too busy to cultivate a relationship because she is the primary care taker for the kids. plus, as someone who already has a family, she is less in less of a rush 9as a general rule0 because she already has a family. im generalizing here of course, but more often than not a divorced women with kids will be busier and less in a rush to remarry and more willing to see whats out there and take her time.

        • msM. Says:

          I can’t speak for them but my understanding from even just reading this website is that many may not know exactly what they are looking for and are open to just dating – that means “getting to know someone” – not straight sex – , but very few women, I would imagine, would want to sleep with a guy who has little going for him, has no interest in having a family, and has stated he likes much younger women.

          This guy stated he is out there to look after himself which is something single moms would very likely find VERY unappealing. A family is the last thing on this guy’s mind. If I were a single mom I’d hate myself for spending money on a babysitter to go out there and fuck this guy. I can get much younger men for just NSA sex if that is all I care for.

          • fuzzilla Says:

            Speaking for me personally, I was able to make a FWB situation work rather well for me for a pretty long time. I went in looking for a relationship but things just kinda worked out that way (won’t bore you with the whole story).

            Not to make it about me, just saying that, as a woman in OP’s target age range, I personally could do casual/non-committed sex as long as I genuinely liked the person and enjoyed their company aside from just sex. If the guy’s attitude is, “Welp, I got my rocks off. Later,” then he really doesn’t need to be in my life at all. I certainly don’t need a marriage proposal to fuck someone, but on the other hand, there’s really no point to it if it’s just gonna make me feel like garbage.

            I guess my point is that casual can work, but there still needs to be warmth and the ability to connect…the ability to make other people feel comfortable and welcome.

  18. mami Says:

    There is adultfriendfinder and craigslist. That’s where you need to be.
    Please do not lie and say you want a relationship just to get laid. That really makes you a creep.

  19. Lady H Says:


    I am a 33 YO, somewhat attractive single female living in Hoboken. I can tell you that 42 YO guys looking to casually hook up with me are a dime a dozen. Literally I get a proposition from dudes like yourself about 10 times a day when I’m online dating. It takes a lot of time to try and weed them out from the guys that are looking for a real relationship. If I was looking for something casual (I’m not at this time), my options would be endless.

    I know how frustrating it is to online date in Hoboken. Most sites have the minimum range set at 5 miles, which means we get paired up with all the ppl in Brooklyn and Queens (less than 5 miles away but over a one hour train ride). The ppl in Manhattan don’t want to date us as well since we are not in NYC. We are left with the small demographic of Jersey City and Hoboken ppl and that’s about it.

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