The At-Their-Place Second Date – Good or Bad?

Name: Jackiewomendating
Question: The other day I went out with a man and despite a 9 year difference in age, we really hit it off!  The next day he asked me out for Sunday and said it was going to be a surprise. I got excited and looked forward to the date. Well here we are on Sunday and he said the weather isn’t right for what he had planned. It’s a bit windy but nothing crazy is going on. Now he wants to do something inside and He keeps hinting at activities at his house, like hot tubbing or watching a movie in front of the fireplace. However, I don’t think those are appropriate activities for a second date unless you’ve know each other a while, which we have not. I’m wondering if I’m overreacting, if it’s normal for people in their thirties to cozy up so soon, or if he is really just after sex? I mean he had his hand on my knee during the first date but it didn’t really bother me at the time. It may have had I not been drinking. I really like him so far but I don’t know if I’m ready to hang out at his place under such romantic terms. I’m no prude, I’m actually quite sexual, but I will screech to a halt if I feel like I’m being pressured. What do you think? While I do know he made no mention of sex, I can’t help but to wonder what motive someone who says they are looking for a relationship has by inviting someone over so soon.
Age: 24
State:

If you find yourself in a position like this, and many women do, then rather than get into why you don’t think a second date at his apartment is appropriate, ignore his request and suggest something else.  If he back pedals or cancels, then you have a pretty good (but not definitive) understanding of what it is he’s truly after.

The trick here is to not automatically label the guy a creep just because he went for the at home second date. Is he hoping for sex? Most likely, yes. But that doesn’t make him a bad guy. For all you know, he could be misreading signals. It happens.

Yes, a lot of people – men and women – will say whatever it is they think the other person wants to hear in order to get what they want. The only way you’ll know if they’re being disingenuous is to continue to get to know them. There is some going along to get along involved with this. As long as you have (and adhere to!) very clear boundaries and standards, you will know what feels right and what doesn’t.

As for the bit about how he was planning a surprise for you, that right there should make your Spidey Sense kick in. People just don’t do stuff like this for someone they just met. Maybe in movies and TV, but not in real life. When a situation like this arises, before you get all swept up in the excitement and the romance, ask yourself why someone would be that accommodating for someone with whom they’ve only had one date. A good rule of thumb when you find yourself in this position is to assign them the same reaction that you would have to someone you were “meh” about  who did this. Would you genuinely be excited if someone you were so-so about said they planned a special second date? Probably not. Most likely you’d feel uncomfortable about it.

My guess is he never actually planned anything all that spectacular. He just wanted you to think that he did to prime the pump.

Given both of these red flags, my guess is he’s mostly just after sex and very little else.

 

 

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14 Responses to “The At-Their-Place Second Date – Good or Bad?”

  1. LostSailor Says:

    Given both of these red flags, my guess is he’s mostly just after sex and very little else.

    I agree he’s clearly after sex. He’s a man. And while the flags may point in the direction that is his primary interest, it by no means shows that it’s his only interest.

    The only way you’ll know if they’re being disingenuous is to continue to get to know them.

    Indeed. Jackie clearly likes the guy, so even though he’s probably hoping for sex (he’s a man), the only way to find out whether that’s the only thing he wants is to find out within her own boundaries.

    Jackie doesn’t say where she’s from, and in some locations it might make more sense to have someone over to the house, especially if it’s a house not an apartment. But is she’s uncomfortable then by all means, she should follow Moxie’s initial advice, politely decline–it feels too soon–and suggest an alternative, if not for that day, then for some day soon.

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  2. msM. Says:

    Based on this sentence:
    “He keeps hinting at activities at his house, like hot tubbing or watching a movie in front of the fireplace. ”
    I’d say he is in it for the sex which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is a bad thing only if you need to articulate boundaries first. If someone says “hot tubing” it means they are picturing you naked or nearly naked, the same with the fireplace idea, these are all euphemisms for sex. If you were both in college and the same age, it would mean one thing, but the fact that he is in his 30s and 10 years older indicates to me that he wants sex and is not particularly concerned as to whether you are “ready” for it in terms of how the dating is going.
    When I was your age I fell for something similar. I met a great guy (12 years older), went on one amazing date, and then next time we “went over to his place” – even though I wanted more “guarantees” and to know whether that was all there was to it…and yes, we had sex…and I did not hear from him for months…What I would say to my younger self is: “it’s ok to draw boundaries and to say “no” if you are uncomfortable, and if you want more than sex from this person”.
    Now that I am in my 30s and with internet dating, I know instantly when a guy suggests let’s go to my place/your place, that means sex, and I may or may not want that but I have no doubts what is at stake. At my age, I feel in control, and not manipulated, because I am clear about what I want when I meet with someone.
    If I were you, I would tell him straight “thank you that’s so sweet, but actually, I am not comfortable going over to your place just yet. Is it okay if we met somewhere public? That way we could get to know each other a little better before things got physical. Do you mind?”
    That might throw him off a bit , because he may not want to take you out, and then you can suggest something inexpensive depending on what you’d like to do, and if he is not interested in any of your suggestions, or, if he insists, you will know that all he planned was really to get you under the sheets, regardless of how that was something you had in mind, or not, and that he is not particularly interested in your perspective, or in compromising. Which is a sign he is not relationship material if that is what you are looking for.
    When i was younger, whenever I had sex “too early” I always regretted it, because I felt that I had let go of my boundaries, which I wasn’t confident enough to draw clearly. I used to think that if I didn’t have sex with a guy he would not like me. Now I know that by saying “no” you are actually saying “yes” to your boundaries and needs.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah, suggesting “hot tubbing” for a second date is a total red flag. He might as well just outright suggest sex as an activity, sheesh.

      **If I were you, I would tell him straight “thank you that’s so sweet, but actually, I am not comfortable going over to your place just yet. Is it okay if we met somewhere public? That way we could get to know each other a little better before things got physical. Do you mind?”**

      That’s what I would do, too. Well, except I’d probably keep my cards close to the chest and not tell the guy I’m not comfortable, just gently but firmly insist on something else. “Yeah, I’d really rather do XYZ public thing.” I have a feeling he’ll fight her and try to convince her she’s being “difficult” for having totally reasonable boundaries and expectations.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Actually my second date with the guy I’m seeing now was a dinner date at a restaurant. He also said, “Should I bring beer over?” I was kinda like, “Well, hmph, he assumes it’s just a given that he’s invited over?” I tried to call his bluff by saying, “Oh, why, is the restaurant BYOB?” I hesitated and was weirded out but went for it anyway since I liked him and we had talked quite a bit up to that point. No regrets so far; knock on wood. It’s a case by case thing. Although in my case there’s not the big age difference thing goin’ on.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “I’d say he is in it for the sex which isn’t necessarily a bad thing,”

      Note that EVERY guy is “in it for the sex”; if he weren’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t have asked you out (again, if you met online). That said, wanting to have sex with you does NOT mean he’s not interested in something more as well.

      “That way we could get to know each other a little better before things got physical. Do you mind?”

      IMHO, this explanation is the key to making this work: it implies the physical is (probably) coming, just not yet. Saying you’re not comfortable with meeting at his place without that may be taken as outright rejection, even if that’s not what you intended.

      “when a guy suggests let’s go to my place/your place, that means sex, and I may or may not want that but I have no doubts what is at stake.”

      Agreed. To be clear: do not go to (or stay at) a guy’s place (or vice versa) after dark* unless you intend to have sex. That’s how every guy is going to interpret your agreement, and every woman should know that. If you aren’t ready for sex, for whatever reason, just politely suggest another setting. If he insists, cut him loose. OTOH, if he agrees, don’t hold it against him; he can’t read your mind and know how fast you’re ready to move.

      * I’m aware that darkness is not required for sex, but being at someone’s place during daylight simply doesn’t raise the same expectations, though for safety I’d still suggest avoiding that early on unless they’re someone you already know socially.

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  3. C Says:

    Meh hit the nail on the head as did Moxie. Too many questionable elements here.

    1. Decent chance considering your respective ages that he may not take you seriously.
    2. “Surprise date plans” for a second date? From a complete stranger? Is this “surprise date” going to include a rope, tape, a sharp knife and a secluded spot in the woods? Ok, I’m creeped out.
    3. Since the weather isnt cooperating with the “surprise”, he wants to get to know you….in his hot tub?

    Ok, I’m all kinds of creeped out. Not because he wants to get laid but the way he is trying to control and manipulate the situation. Ewwwwww. If you arent interested in strictly a physical relationship, proceed with caution. Suggest public dates only for now. If he genuinely likes you and not just your vagina, he will give you the time and space to get to know him and feel comfortable.

    Like Meh, being older and more confident, I’m no longer worried about “scaring a guy off” by enforcing my own boundaries. If a guy is on the same page as I am in terms of relationship goals and genuinely likes me, asking him to meet me for a movie or a walk in the park instead of in his hot tub isnt going to “scare him off”.

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    • jane Says:

      I agree. You should never be afraid of setting boundaries. I think people get into way more trouble by trying to appease everyone than they do by just saying no. You dont have to be rude, or even entirely forthright, I would just suggest alternate plans. “I was thinking maybe we could meet for drinks at this nice place I know of….” and for most gentlemanly men he’ll understand and respect your hesitance. It does send up a few red flags that he would suggest something like a hot tub at his place on a 2nd date, but like everyone has said its not enough to write him off on alone. Watch his behaviour. If pushing your boundaries becomes a habit, Id back off.

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  4. AnnieNonymous Says:

    He’s definitely steering this fledgling relationship in a direction that you’ll never be able to recover from if you’re not on board with what he’s putting out there: he might not call you back whether or not you have sex with him, for the reasons that are common in both scenarios. Do not go over to his house unless you know you at least want to fool around. It sucks, but you have to make a decision right now about how you feel about him and what you’re willing to risk.

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  5. Jackie Says:

    Hello! I’m the OP! We actually ended up rescheduling for the next evening and he invited me to a local bar. We had a great conversation for a couple hours. I feel much less creeped out by having a second date in a public venue.

    The “surprise” was a ride on a horse drawn carriage at the local mall. Nothing extravagant but it was something I’d mentioned on date 1 always having wanted to do. That shows he was paying attention, right? lol.

    We live in Ohio and it had snowed and was very windy so I can understand why going out wasn’t on the top of anyone’s list.

    I suppose I’ll just play it by ear and keep getting to know him…. Publicly.

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  6. D. Says:

    Glad to hear the second date went well.

    I can also see why most of the other posters suspected the guy as skeevy or only being interested in sex. Here’s another possible analysis, though.

    It may be that this guy operates in what I refer to as “boyfriend mode.” Like, his instincts are not for dating, but rather for operating within an already-established relationship. Think about it this way, if you were already dating this guy, especially exclusively, would hot tubbing be so awful? Would enjoying the fire be that bad? Actually, these sound like good sort of “couples” activities for cold weather. Sure, they can lead to sex, but they can also lead to intimacy, which may be more what he’s after. Same deal with the arranged carriage ride, based on an off-hand comment from you on date 1. That’s the kind of thing a boyfriend would do.

    Now for the downside. Even if we assume his goal isn’t just to get into your pants, trying to instantly manufacture intimacy can be just as — if not more — problematic as trying to engineer an excuse for early sex.

    While there are lots of guys in their early 30s who just want to get laid, there are also guys in their early 30s who just want to settle down. If they have a really solid first date, they may be ready to charge full-steam-ahead with the girl in question, in this case: you.

    Now, this can all be a lot of fun, but the truth is that you cannot manufacture intimacy. It only develops gradually over time with someone. This guy might be able to learn that, but he might also just be the kind who rushes into a relationship, only to have it implode a little while later.

    All that said, if you can keep this stuff in mind, there’s no reason not to enjoy yourself. Just don’t lead the dude on and be ready to break it off if you think you just aren’t that interested in him.

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    • Jackie Says:

      Thanks D! I am taking that into consideration as well. I do actually like him quite a bit so far. I rushed into my last relationship with a complete master manipulator, so I am on the lookout for serial monogamers. So far he seems relatively normal only perhaps a bit too eager to impress me. But I suppose some guys don’t know they are trying too hard? I don’t want to villainize what could be a really nice guy who just doesn’t know what he’s doing lol. I suggested a Christmas light show for our next date and he liked the idea, so he seems pretty open to taking direction and allowing me a hand in setting the pace of the progression. Thanks for your comment, it was very insightful!

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  7. Howard Says:

    Whatever happened to taking a girl on a nice second date, doing some heated making out, and then saying you want to come by for a drink. Or at least saying, “I’m an incredible cook; let me make you this incredible candlelit dinner at my place.” Don’t these guys get it? You can’t go from crawling to running; walking has to happen in between.

    I must be antediluvian; I can’t imagine the hot tub line, ever working. Yeah he wants sex, but so does every other guy. The question is, Is he willing to give of himself emotionally?

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  8. noquay Says:

    Until I saw the state the OP was in, I could’ve sworn I dated this same guy. Older than I, which is not unusual as I tend to have much more in common with older guys. First date went OK. Noticed he hadn’t shaved, his jeans were dirty but he was a gentlemen. Looked more fragile than his photos. Second date near his town, three hour drive (not unusual as I live in a rural area), our planned 13 mile hike was 3 miles and I thought he was gonna have a stroke. Apparently that marathon he bragged about was a looong time ago (note: if you no longer can or do run, do not lie about it, especially to a known ultramarathoner with medical training, just sayin). Hygiene not improved any. Dinner went OK but with much discussion of his heart surgery and his home was for sale not as a consequence of the recession but that he was afraid to be so far away from medical aid. Later, yep, date #2, the hot tub suggestion among other things. It did not surprise me as yep, men want sex and right away but that this dude, given his obvious cardiac issues, thought he could have sex at all.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “It did not surprise me as yep, men want sex and right away but that this dude, given his obvious cardiac issues, thought he could have sex at all.”

      Better to die getting laid than go without, I suppose.

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