Question: The other day I went out with a man and despite a 9 year difference in age, we really hit it off! The next day he asked me out for Sunday and said it was going to be a surprise. I got excited and looked forward to the date. Well here we are on Sunday and he said the weather isn’t right for what he had planned. It’s a bit windy but nothing crazy is going on. Now he wants to do something inside and He keeps hinting at activities at his house, like hot tubbing or watching a movie in front of the fireplace. However, I don’t think those are appropriate activities for a second date unless you’ve know each other a while, which we have not. I’m wondering if I’m overreacting, if it’s normal for people in their thirties to cozy up so soon, or if he is really just after sex? I mean he had his hand on my knee during the first date but it didn’t really bother me at the time. It may have had I not been drinking. I really like him so far but I don’t know if I’m ready to hang out at his place under such romantic terms. I’m no prude, I’m actually quite sexual, but I will screech to a halt if I feel like I’m being pressured. What do you think? While I do know he made no mention of sex, I can’t help but to wonder what motive someone who says they are looking for a relationship has by inviting someone over so soon.
If you find yourself in a position like this, and many women do, then rather than get into why you don’t think a second date at his apartment is appropriate, ignore his request and suggest something else. If he back pedals or cancels, then you have a pretty good (but not definitive) understanding of what it is he’s truly after.
The trick here is to not automatically label the guy a creep just because he went for the at home second date. Is he hoping for sex? Most likely, yes. But that doesn’t make him a bad guy. For all you know, he could be misreading signals. It happens.
Yes, a lot of people – men and women – will say whatever it is they think the other person wants to hear in order to get what they want. The only way you’ll know if they’re being disingenuous is to continue to get to know them. There is some going along to get along involved with this. As long as you have (and adhere to!) very clear boundaries and standards, you will know what feels right and what doesn’t.
As for the bit about how he was planning a surprise for you, that right there should make your Spidey Sense kick in. People just don’t do stuff like this for someone they just met. Maybe in movies and TV, but not in real life. When a situation like this arises, before you get all swept up in the excitement and the romance, ask yourself why someone would be that accommodating for someone with whom they’ve only had one date. A good rule of thumb when you find yourself in this position is to assign them the same reaction that you would have to someone you were “meh” about who did this. Would you genuinely be excited if someone you were so-so about said they planned a special second date? Probably not. Most likely you’d feel uncomfortable about it.
My guess is he never actually planned anything all that spectacular. He just wanted you to think that he did to prime the pump.
Given both of these red flags, my guess is he’s mostly just after sex and very little else.