How To Avoid The Online Dating Special Snowflake

I am 38 and from New Yorkmiddle finger to tyranny
After somewhat of a dating hiatus, I decided to get back out there and signed up for Ok Cupid. I put up three pictures…two are very clear, well lit head shots and one is a full body shot. I figured that would be enough to start and I could always put up more later.

A nice looking gentleman messaged me. We exchanged about two emails before he suggested we meet.  He suggested we meet that day, but there was a snow storm, so I said no (why did he want to meet in a snow storm anyway?) He gave me his phone number and told me that it would be easier for us to  chat via text rather than on the OK Cupid site. When he saw that I wasn’t quick to do this,  he told me I could email him and we could make plans via email if I wasn’t comfortable giving him my phone number yet.
I emailed him. He said he was available to meet the next day.

That day we bantered back and forth minimally, I asked him the time and location for our meeting spot. He said he “had a few places in mind” but didn’t give me a specific location. He then asked if we could trade more pictures with each other. I told him that I would most likely post more pictures onto the OK Cupid site. He said I didn’t have to post to the site, that I could just email them directly to him.
I skirted that comment and confirmed that I would meet him later that evening.

He emailed yet again, and said that I should send him more pictures to  prove that I “wasn’t 300 pounds, in a wheelchair and/or missing a leg”
I was completely confused and baffled. Didn’t I have a full body shot posted where I was perfectly upright, all limbs attached, with a clear indication that I wasn’t a fatty trying to hide behind weird camera angles? I’d say my body is good. Men seem to like it and compliment me on it. I have no issues with people seeing my body in pictures or in person.  Besides, I had agreed to meet him almost immediately (within 2 days of our first online conversation)…so I don’t understand how he could suddenly think he was being “cat-fished” by a fat woman. 
He claimed he was unable to view my full body shot and insisted that he was only able to see the one profile headshot. He asked again if I could just email the picture(s) to him directly. This seemed odd to me, so I adjusted my profile to reflect the full body shot and told him to go on the site to see my entire body and confirm I wasn’t fat. That was the last I heard from him.  

Now, here is where I need some guidance because if this comes up again, I want to know how to handle it.

1.    Is it safe and customary to email and/or text message people your pictures? I would have gladly posted many more pictures to the site upon request, but I didn’t feel comfortable sending my pictures to the random phone number or email of someone I have never meet. Am I paranoid? I am second guessing myself now…”should I have just sent him pictures like he asked?” “Am I being a stick in the mud?”
 
2.    Second, am I missing something with his sudden paranoia?  Why attempt to make plans with someone (twice) and then suddenly get paranoid that you need more photos? I am very confused about that. I thought that he had seen my photos and that’s why he was contacting me in the first place. If you need all this information to be comfortable about meeting a person, shouldn’t you get all that BEFORE you ask to meet them?

I am very new to the etiquette of online dating. I have yet to fully understand what makes you look normal, what makes you look like a “cat-fisher.” My current philosophy is “meet quickly after a few emails that establish mutual interest”. I don’t even really need a phone call, but I guess I could give the guy one if he needs it. I have no problems revealing very quickly in-person who I am. This is why I am baffled by this odd occurrence.

It’s not uncommon for people you meet online to ask to see more photos of you. The reason for this, as this uncouth douche revealed, is because they want to be sure that the pictures are accurate and reflective of how you look now. Because, see, to people like him the worst possible scenario would be to show up at the designated spot and have to endure the torture of being seen with a fattie boombalatty or uggo. The mere fact that he admitted this tells you the following:

  • He has no faith in the online dating process.
  • He’s weirdly proud of how shallow he is.
  • He was not all that interested in the first place.
  • He’s entitled.

He was probably bored and feeling antsy because of the snow and wanted to get out. He was pressuring you for photos to put you on the defensive and make you feel like you had something to prove to him. And since he’s “nice looking” I’m sure he’s often successful with that approach. When you’re a good looking person dating online, you have leverage. Heaven forbid this hunk be forced to grace someone unworthy with his presence.

He’s not paranoid. He’s just a dick. He likes making women jump through hoops for him. Because, see, he is really attractive. Women should know their place and realize that they must be up to snuff in order to merit his time and the whopping $50 he was likely to spend.

You were right not to reciprocate such foolish requests. You posted photos. If that wasn’t enough for him, then screw him. However, you should take that request as a hint that the pictures you do have do not give people enough of an idea of what you look like. So post a couple more, mainly full body shots. Our bodies are our bodies. Either someone is going to like them or they won’t. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to know what someone looks like. I do think that it’s rude to request more. If the pictures you see aren’t enough, don’t respond to the profile or message. It’s that simple.

The more you refused to send him more pics, the more certain he was of his belief that that must mean your pics are old or fake. He also saw that he wasn’t getting what he wanted by using guilt and shame. The last woman this guy wants to be with is one who doesn’t feel grateful to have his attention.

People like that will never meet anybody they like.  They’ll either alienate everybody with their annoying questions and requests or nobody will ever be good enough. It’s my belief that people set up all these steps in order to confirm their distorted perspective and negative attitude about dating. These people want to reject people. They want to find a flaw or problem. That way they can continue banging their drum about how awful online dating is and how deceptive men and women are. They will only encounter or end up with people they can manipulate and abuse. That’s what they want. They want someone beaten down enough to tolerate them and their crazy.

I will again repeat that nobody should be giving out their phone number until a date is set up, and even then wait until 24 hours or so before the date. If you need a phone conversation before you feel comfortable meeting, then have it after you set up the date. It’s way too easy to fall into a pattern of keeping everything electronic if you engage in a ton of emails and texts and phone calls.

As I have written countless times before, this kind of special snowflake nonsense should be ignored. If you do require multiple photos and phone calls and personal info that goes beyond phone number or email address before you’ll devote a whole hour to conversing with a stranger, take your profile down and stop dating.

 

 

 

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27 Responses to “How To Avoid The Online Dating Special Snowflake”

  1. C Says:

    Its not unusual to be asked for photos. To be honest, you sounded like you were being evasive and trying to hide something. After all, you could just take a quick selfy with your phone and send it to him.

    Is it weird to refuse to send additional photos to someone on a dating site? Yes, kinda is. You are comfortable posting pictures of yourself for the entire world to see, but you wont send an additional photo to an individual you agreed to meet you that day? Yes, that is weird.

    For all you know, he may have met some other woman in the middle of the storm who turned out to be a 300 pound wheel chair bound amputee. In all seriousness, I’ve heard from guy friends that its pretty common to end up on dates with very overweight women who totally lied about their weight and posted 10 year old pictures of themselves when they were thin. Is it the worst thing ever to kill an hour with a woman who lied about herself? No. But it is awkward and a complete waste of time. Imagine showing up on date after date with a guy who presented himself as a nice, middle class professional only to find yourself on date after date with homeless drug addicts.

    That said, he sounds rude. Not a major loss.

    As for making a date and then flaking, also no major loss. People do that ALL the time when dating online. They may suggest a meeting and flake. They may meet you, swear you are the greatest thing ever, then flake on a second date. Really, they can flake at any point in time and I really wouldnt sweat it. For all you know, this guy is married and he flaked because his wife came back from visiting her mother early.

    Whatever. Next!

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Nobody should EVER display such desperation by snapping a selfie upon command. Ever. You don’t get it. A request like that is an insult. They’re telling you that they don’t think you’re attractive enough to meet.

      I’ve heard from guy friends that its pretty common to end up on dates with very overweight women who totally lied about their weight and posted 10 year old pictures of themselves when they were thin.

      If your friends were telling the truth, which I doubt, and they did end up meeting women with 10 year old photos, then they’re idiots. Shallow idiots who fell for glamour shots. Either that or the woman just took a good photo and posed at the right angle and looked thinner in her photos. Poor babies. I hope they made it out of the dates with the fatties unscathed.

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      • msM. Says:

        Completely agree with Moxie. Today’s dilemma is in a way similar to yesterday’s in that it is about power. He may be asking for pictures but in the end it’s about pushing the limits of online dating and making demands that others don’t make.

        He is starting from the perspective that he is in some way entitled to better treatment or more effort than usual which sets up the situation in such a way that you might actually believe him. “He’s so picky he must be special”. If someone is in New York it’s not that hard to have coffee or drinks after work. If the person makes it too complicated, he’s not worth your time. Cut your losses early on. Online dating makes it easier to turn him off and talk to someone else.

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      • Howard Says:

        I am so tired of hearing these types of things being insults to women but it’s somehow ok for a woman to put a man through the hoops; after all, she has to protect herself. Yes Moxie is absolutely right. But I hope women are looking in the mirror too. Talking about hoops, women have been making men jump these from time immemorial. I guess now the boot is on the other foot, it’s easy to make this guy a villain and bitch about it. Bottom line, this entitled behavior sucks, no matter which gender it comes from.

        Online dating requires that first initial date to be a low-stakes situation where you get a chance to actually look each over and actually talk, no twenty questions, chat like old friends, but with some flavor.

        One also has to take a chance. There will be very overweight people. There will be that guy or woman in Africa trying to get you to send money. There will be that woman with crazy baggage and attitude. There will be that guy who is player. Some you will end up meeting. That’s why the meeting should be low stakes. I once ended a first date after like 10 mins. She was combative, and I was just not in the mood to even fight back.

        Moxie and I differ on the phone thing. I believe in the short phone call. It should never get past 5 mins. After all you don’t want to phone date. Hearing someone’s voice could sometimes be a good measure. The content and thrust of the person’s conversation also harkens to possible compatibility or conflicting values. Trust me, I never planned on having a date chatting about the latest celebrity gossip, or worse yet being inquisitioned.

        Online dating does work. I am now in a relationship for over a year with someone I met online. In a twisted way, we are both out of each other’s league. That is said in a good way, to highlight the fact that if we had met each other on the street, we might have overlooked each other, but online made us look at each other. I have not had to go on online first dates in over a year, but I still think my experience is valid and expresses some indication of the great potential of online dating.

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      • C Says:

        Moxie – I previously agreed that he sounded like a jerk and certainly no loss. But you are totally right that snapping a selfie would have been desparate. I take it back.

        As for my friends, I’m sure that everyone who has online dated has crazy stories to tell. I ad libbed the part about the 10 year old picture because that actually happened to me when a guy showed up looking significantly older and at least 60 pounds heavier then his photos. And yes, he did post old glamour shots. The actual quotes I heard from friends were, “She was heavier then I was”, and “she said she cross country skied all the time and worked out 5-6 days a week but when she showed up, she was definitely over 300 pounds”.

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      • Don Says:

        I understand your perspective on that. However, if you do a quick google search of ‘catfish red flags’ or something similar, most dating sites will give you a list of red flag behaviors, and will suggest that you either skype with the person OR have them send a proof pic (i.e. something unique that they wouldn’t already have a copy of) to prove that they are who they say. Personally, I don’t make that request of anyone UNLESS they’re throwing up red flags.

        I actually ended a thing I had with an amazing woman just because of that. She was giving me conflicting stories (including multiple first names, long story there…), refusing to swap numbers or facebook or full names, slyly redirecting the convo with compliments any time I would bring up anything regarding verification, stuff like that. So yeah I asked her to send a selfie of her holding a sheet of paper with my name on it, as that would prove she was who she said without compromising her info. She went dead silent for a week (which is rare given that we just spent months chatting every 3 or 4 hours 7 days a week). And I sent her the exact same kind of proof pic that I requested.

        So I can see both sides of the argument here. I guess it really just depends on the situation. But based on the information presented in the article above I would say that the guy in question was likely a manipulative douche who had no intent of ever meeting, and her likely was not the person in the profile pics he used.

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      • Don Says:

        You’re missing the point, Moxie. What I’m gathering from your statement is that you think its rude and inappropriate that a guy would ever even DARE to question a girl’s truthfulness or ask for (gasp) an impromptu pic. Provided the guy is willing to reciprocate, it is not an inappropriate request at all. And as for you trying to put the blame on the guy’s shallowness in the event a woman is in fact being misleading about her appearance, it doesn’t work that way. Why would someone want to invest in or date someone who lies to them? Using misleading photos or otherwise lying in your profile is a reflection on you, not on the guy for being shallow and ditching once the deception is brought to light. I read your articles thinking you were a level-headed person simply trying to give sound advice, but I was sorely mistaken. Your bias and skewed viewpoint is evident in your comments and replies. There is nothing wrong with a guy (or girl for that matter) asking an online suitor for additional pics or for a phone number. Its not insulting, it is not inappropriate, nor is it creepy or any of that other crap you keep feeding your readers. Rather, asking for those things is called being cautious and vetting out your potential date before exposing yourself to a physical meeting. I’ll say it again: this business of online deception using fake pics is so prevalent that they made a TV show about it and every single dating site and romance column out there has put out articles advising people on how to protect themselves from that sort of thing. And after reading the OP’s update, it appears that that is just what the guy in question was doing.

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    • Don Says:

      I agree with the notion that nobody who is on an online dating site should be reluctant to send additional photos. I mean, they made an entire TV series about people being misled by online profile pics (Catfish). But if you’re gonna ask for additional pics, you should be respectful about it and be willing to reciprocate. And IMO the fact that this guy cancelled two dates screams out catfish, or internet troll who just wanted to manipulate and possibly acqurie more beatoff material.

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      • Guest Says:

        Actually, a catfish by definition is not eager to meet in person and a catfish has many more pictures where that came from so asking for more pictures is pointless and rude to a real person. I believe that these boys will ask any woman they interact with online for pictures no matter how hot they are and no matter how many pictures are on their profile. After all, if they couldn’t see them clearly and didn’t think they were attractive, they wouldn’t bother interacting with said women in the first place so lets stop with the BS excuses of the women not having enough clear pics.

        The fact that the woman in the OP was ready to meet immediately rules out catfishing. Most women lying about their appearance won’t readily meet up. For all we know, the guy might have been a catfish. He planned a date when he knew there was a snow storm. That’s like a guy offering to buy you drinks at a club after the bar has closed. He knew the meet wasn’t going to happen. When the weather couldn’t function as an excuse, he started demanding more pictures, putting her on the defensive and off his trail. Just a thought.

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        • Don Says:

          I will restate it: there is nothing wrong with asking for an impromptu pic. Catfish vary in how many pics they are able to rip off from others, but generally they will only have a small handful. And many will agree to meet and cancel at the last moment. What I was saying was not necessarily in regard to this specific case but rather to Moxie’s general attitude of it being inappropriate for a guy to ask for more pics. I’ve literally chatted with (and sometimes met IRL) upwards of 50 women online, and all but two of them had no problem swapping pics and phone numbers. Usually it was along the lines of ‘hey I went to the park today, here is me by the river’ or stuff along those lines, and it went both ways. Its the two who always changed the topic when asked for a pic that turned out to be either married or catfishing. Obviously I am leaving a lot of additional context out of my story, but my main point is that it is not at all rude to ask someone for an additional pic, and if they repeatedly dodge it, then something is definitely up. And I am not talking about just trolling around asking every random woman for pics, I am talking about someone you have been regularly chatting with and have planned on meeting. Oh and FYI whenever I do end up asking for a verification pic, 1) I only request one pic and never bring it up again if they oblige, 2) I only ask for one if I have suspicions that they are hiding something, and 3) if there is distance involved I like to have some sort of proof that who I think I am talking to is actually who I am talking to. If the person is in the same city, then I usually won’t chat for more than a week or two before meeting up and taking it offline and in those cases a proof pic is unnecessary because there is little investment in making the date.

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  2. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Lots of guys troll dating sites just for pictures. They flirt with several women at once, convince a few to send nudes, and never contact them again. I’m not sure what this particular guy was doing, but as a rule, you shouldn’t send photos to a guy on demand. Honestly, it sounds like this dude never really intended to meet up and just made up some dumb excuses to argue because he was bored. There’s nothing much to learn or regret from this. Maybe post 2 or 3 more pics on your dating profile to be sure, but there was no real relationship potential here.

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  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I don’t have much to add to Moxie’s advice, which I agree with. But since it is appears to be controversial:

    “Is it safe and customary to email and/or text message people your pictures? I would have gladly posted many more pictures to the site upon request, but I didn’t feel comfortable sending my pictures to the random phone number or email of someone I have never meet. Am I paranoid?”

    Yes, you are paranoid. But, that’s beside the point. The problem here is not that it’s “unsafe” to send pictures to a random phone number or email. The problem is that it is completely socially inappropriate for someone to ask for the pictures in the first place. The only correct response to this request, is… no response. Delete. Block. (Yeah, yeah, I know. They know not what they do. The commentariat here is a bottomless pit of compassion for aggressively stupid behavior.)

    “2 …. am I missing something with his sudden paranoia? Why attempt to make plans with someone (twice) and then suddenly get paranoid that you need more photos?”

    He wants to make sure you look like your pictures. That’s it. I don’t think it’s that complicated. (Trust me, there are far more efficient and cheaper routes to scoring pictures of naked women on the Internet.) See above for appropriate response.

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    • Jackie Says:

      If he wants to make sure she looks like her pictures, the only way to do that is by meeting her. How does more pictures mean that’s who he is talking to?

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  4. elle Says:

    I chatted with a man on OkCupid who said he needed additional photos of me because he’d once been “tricked” into going on a date with a transvestite. He said he was so scarred by the event that he needed to be careful. I told him he was being ridiculous, so he sent me a picture of the person who’d “tricked him.” One of my online pictures was from the swimming pool. His request didn’t make sense. The guy and his story creeped me out, so I ended our communication. The funny thing is, I didn’t realize at the time that he’d been asking for nude photos. I had just thought he was incredibly weird and paranoid. It wasn’t until later that I had a laugh about his convoluted story and my own naïveté! A few other guys have asked for pictures. I have a picture of me with my hat pulled down over my face for just those circumstances. It’s good for a laugh. Sometimes I’ll send a real picture if I feel like it.

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    • Howard Says:

      The transvestite thing is real. I can personally attest to being messaged by at least ten transvestites. But I generally don’t need another picture. I don’t know how, but I could tell that they were transvestites. There was one that was really good, but less than five seconds on the phone was enough to know. That’s why a short call is always valuable. My girlfriend was also hit up by lesbians posing as men. And don’t even let us start with the people in other countries trying to get you to send money. That short phone call takes care of those too.

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      “I have a picture of me with my hat pulled down over my face for just those circumstances. It’s good for a laugh.”

      You might as well have fun with these people! It’s one way to “teach them a lesson” without wasting the energy on being angry. I was going to suggest sending a picture of your cat. Or maybe of the nice restaurant meal or cocktail you’re about to have without this time waster.

      Generally though, if someone comes across as a bit “off,” I just cease communication. Too much work, too much burnout potential.

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    • Don Says:

      I’ve had that same thing happen to me, where a tranny goes online and labels their profile as female so they can talk with guys. But its ridiculously easy to tell a tranny from a real woman, so that guy’s excuse doesn’t really hold water.

      But I still don’t see anything wrong with two people swapping pics online. I’ve been known to trade pics with girls I’ve online dated; decent pics, that is. I think that’s actually just a normal part of the whole getting-to-know-you or bonding process. Like ‘hey I’m going on this awesome mountain hike today’ and she says cool send pics, or vice-versa. So in that sense I don’t get what all the fuss is about or why some people think its insulting for someone to ask for more pics, so long as the pics they ask for aren’t lewd and they are willing to reciprocate with pics of their own. Or if they’re weird about it. I would honestly be suspicious of any girl I was chatting with who refused to send any additional pics, especially if she acted all weird and insulted by the notion that I would even ask. That to me just screams out 1) catfish, or 2) hiding something else or has a bunch of paranoia and baggage I don’t want to deal with. But I guess I’m in the minority with that viewpoint.

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  5. Yvonne Says:

    The only situation in which it is not rude to ask for additional photos is when someone has NO photos, or one or two that are out of focus (Why post blurry pics?). I don’t even think the OP needs to post more photos on her profile, although she could if she wants to. Even if she had done so, they could still be old photos, or the guy could have bailed anyway. If you don’t like what you read and see about a person enough to take a chance on meeting them, then for the love of Moses, don’t meet them. It’s that simple.

    I also like to have a phone convo before meeting. Maybe I’m old-school, but I’m just more comfortable that way. Another dating adviser suggests two emails on the site, two emails off the site, and two phone calls. That might be a bit much for me, but perhaps it’s not a bad idea to weed out someone who isn’t right for you BEFORE going to the additional time and effort of meeting him. It’s going to happen in any case.

    Also, I don’t think anyone mentioned the fact the the guy straight up lied about not being able to see two of her photos online. That’s bullshit. Computers are not all THAT different, unless someone is a computer-challenged moron. Come to think of it, that’s exactly what this man is.

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    • Don Says:

      I’m of a similar school of thought. I think that if I’m gonna meet someone from online, then some sort of real life correspondence has to take place first, like a phone call. Or move the convo to Facebook. Catfishing is a lot easier to sell on dating sites than on Facebook. or skype or something. But distance also plays a role here. I would be fine with meeting someone without talking on the phone first if they were in the same city as me. but if the person I’m talking to lives out of town or something then a phone call is required. And its been my experience that the vast majority of women are perfectly ok with Facebook or phone calls once enough rapport has been established that they know you’re not a weirdo or scammer. Its the people who continually avoid any sort of live conversation or prooof that they are who they say, those are the ones hiding something, and its usually either they’re in a relationship or they arent the person in their pics.

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  6. Snowflake OP Says:

    UPDATE: Here in update from the OP.

    Shortly after I submitted this situation to Moxie (which was on the same day that I was supposed to meet this guy), he emailed me about our plans that night. He wanted to meet as planned. I took a chance and went out and met him. It was a nice date. We will meet again. We will see what happens.

    Going forward, I plan to put up more pictures on my profile…however I will NOT send pictures to people before I meet them. Utimately this guy finally decided to meet me with what he saw on the site. Had he decided otherwise, that would have been fine too. If a guy can’t take a chance when I have provided more than enough, then I don’t need to meet him.

    Thanks Moxie for the advice. I will stick with your strategy as it seems to be in line with what I thought was the best way to go.

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  7. D. Says:

    I started reading the story about this guy and got about 1/3 of the way through before I said “Oh, fuck this.” I think that’s about the right response to someone like him.

    You know what? I got “burned” by someone who was WAY heavier than their pics looked once or twice in my dating career. You know what I did? I dealt with it and moved on. I did not, however, make people jump through endless hoops thereafter, nor demanded mountains of pictures just to see if I wanted to meet them. This guy? I don’t know what his deal is, but I know enough to say “Oh, fuck this,” and that’s what the OP should do when faced with this. Don’t try to rationalize it, don’t worry about figuring it out (unless you’re just idly killing time doing so). Just move on to the next guy.

    As for the “safety” stuff, I think much of the pearl-clutching is nonsense. It kind of made sense back when people had land lines and their phone number was tied to a physical address. But nowadays, you’re probably giving them a cell phone number and god only knows where you live. So, no, it’s not “unsafe” to give someone your cell number. I also disagree with Moxie about refusing to give out your phone number prior to setting up a date.

    I mean, if the email conversation basically just ends up with one of us suggesting getting together within the email, no problem, you say yes then call to figure out the details, I guess. But if I said something like “I’d love to talk more. Shoot me your number and I’ll give you a call,” and the other person said “I never give out my number until a date is set,” I’d probably have the exact same “special snowflake” reaction that Moxie does to people who say “I never make a date with someone unless I have a phone conversation with them first.”

    It may sound like this means “well, shit. There’s no single right answer, is there?” But to my way of thinking, the “right answer” is to be reasonably flexible with little stuff like this, while still maintaining your own (hopefully realistic) sense of what you want/need and boundaries in dating. It’s also helpful to be able to spot flat-out weird behavior like demanding pictures and saying “I need to make sure you’re not 300 pounds.” Some of the little “I prefer to do it XYZ way” things are just personal preferences, but others really indicate paranoia or profound discomfort with the online dating process, or that they’re full of shit.

    And by the way, so he was good looking. How do you know that? Right. His pictures. Which, as he’s been so good to remind you, could’ve very well been fake or old.

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    • Howard Says:

      Bottom line, as you said, “you have to be ready to take chances”. Definitely go with the “Low stakes first meet”, where you can get the hell outta there if duplicity or a clash is at work.

      I believe in phone too. And I don’t need to speak to someone very long to figure, if it’s worth proceeding. Now that took some time learning, but it was well worth it. Definitely agree with you too about quickly moving on. I don’t know why people try to do so much figuring, when there are so many people online.

      But really, I do know why. “Hot” trumps everything; it makes us forget about our non-negotiables and do stupid things. And in this case, agonize, over what should be an easy “NEXT”

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      • C Says:

        Totally agree. Been there done that. “Hot” makes (some of) us stupid. And I also agree that this guy sounds like an easy “Next!”

        OP, hope it works out, but wouldnt have very high expectations for this guy.

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      • noquay Says:

        Agree with you Howard: “no emotional investment” and on line is pretty much a crap shoot. Folks can really hide a lot of issues no matter how many photos they send. Hot and educated is going to get priority, mainly because I see so few guys I am attracted to on line and I proactively troll the sites. However, I also understand when someone really stands out on a site, somethings probably up. In the past year, I met two guys much heavier than their pics, some of which were obviously old, four guys who had serious health issues who had written about how they’d love to go hiking with me etc (some of my pics show me obviously running marathons). This must be common in my age range (50-75) because I am only on line half the year. Though this kind of thing is a given, it’s particularly frustrating for us rural folk who drive long distances to meet someone and perhaps had put another guy on the back burner to meet this one. A quick phone call to rule out obvious creepazoids and no extended emailing. Wax poetic face to face. There’s been a lot of talk about women’s safety. That is for us women to ensure. Tell someone where you’re meeting, what time. I sometimes discreetly text a pic/car license to a friend if we are say, carpooling to a trailhead. Be aware, don’t get drunk with strangers. If it feels creepy, it is. Kinda the same precautions one takes daily. Yep, it would be easy to find out where I live (the number of mixed race professors here is exactly 1) not so easy to get past the seriously protective dogs and my equally serious self defense skills.

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  8. jane Says:

    Glad it worked out for you OP. In future I would respond exactly the same way you did here. There is no reason that posting photos to the dating website is not good enough. I can understand wanting to see more, but its his insistence that you send them to him privately that sketches me out. The impression I get from this is he is one of those guys who will be asking for nudes next, and is just trying to see how comfortable you are with sending him photos.

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  9. jim Says:

    I think know exactly why this guy has asked for additional photos. I have met women on sites that have either had fake photos (don’t ask me why, but I has happened) and heavily photoshopped photos.

    Additionally, people always tend to send the best pics they can find of themselves, which can certainly lead to dissapointment in actual meeting. For that reason I deliberately put the bad pictures of me on my profile (I’m just ok looking, nothing fancy but nothing to give nightmares) but when I meet in person they are invariable surprised (and happy) Look better in real life. Asking for additional picture especially if you request a pariticular shot, normally means they have short notice to find something suitable and hence the screening of such pics is likely to be less stringent and more accurate on the acutal article.

    Once I was contacted by a woman who had very similar pics, all portraits or there abouts, but I wanted to see more of her. Why? I wanted to be certain she didn’t have a three arms or a spare tyre round her waist before I met her. Its not what I’m looking for and I make no excuses for having a preference in body type. She sent very similar pictures each time but not enough for me to gauge her true appearance. We two’d and fro’d with messages and I was eventually able to google her. I found pictures of what she really looked like and it was totally at odds with her doctored pictures and her self described ‘curvy’ body type, though at least it was still her.

    Perhaps she never intended to meet me but just wanted online company, or perhaps had some other plan, who can say. Point is it happened. Now I always ask for another pic, in addition to those displayed online. I dont mind if they add them to the profile, send them to me directly via txt, email or whatever. I’m not overly fussy and I’m not an asshole, but when I meet someone in person, they see the real me and I see them without the facade that comes into play in much of hte online situations. Of course I’m not a jerk and try to be polite and reasonable as possible in asking, though it has to be said, it doesn’t always go down well, but hey, thats life. It has saved me on an occasion or two and gives me far more realistic expectations of who I’m dealing with.

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  10. Alex Says:

    I can’t think of any reason to ask someone for photos (unless you were trying to get photos from them that wouldn’t come up in google reverse image search so you could catfish or scam someone else). How many pics does someone have to see to be convinced they have an accurate representation? They could just steal or upload more old or misleading ones. Asking is just an insult (you’re calling them a liar and/or trying to get a cheap perve) and I’m sure a lot of guys just do it to see how far they can push women to boost their own ego. I’m sure a lot of them have self esteem problems, they can’t seem to get off the net and meet anyone in person.

    I don’t even talk to people who have no pic and I never add men whose pics I don’t like, no matter how much better they may look in person, I always assume what they put up is the best they’ll look because more often than not it is, uploading crappy photos is disrespectful too, it’s like saying you aren’t worth putting your best foot forward for, like showing up for a date in shorts and a grubby T, it says he’s not taking it seriously.

    For me the phone call is more important than them not being 100% the same as their pics, as long as the photos aren’t deliberately deceptive Im ok with it, mostly men who lie are aggressive and nasty in person and I’ve been put in some unsafe predicaments by these guys where they have become physical and abusive (in public with witnesses didn’t stop them), I need to know I’m going to be safe meeting this person so I feel the situation out over the phone first.

    It’s ridiculous to say you travelled such a long way to meet someone or that it cost you money, that’s just bad planning, how are you going to date soneone who lives that far away? A lot of guys online won’t even shout you a coffee so the out of pocket argument is a red herring, it just sounds like the guy was going out of his area to hookup and lying about his intentions, which fits with the kind of guy who would be rude enough to ask for photos.

    I only ever put up a casting agent style head shot, body shots attract sleaze, if agents book auditions off them then it’s good enough for meeting a stranger minutes up the road in your spare time. If a guy doesn’t add me because no body shot that’s his bad luck, plenty do and they are far less jaded.

    If you’re investing weeks online before meeting youre going to be dissapointed no matter what because you build up an idea of them in your head without a lot to go on. If taking half an hour out of their day is too much work maybe they aren’t all that interested in meeting anyone. I don’t see someone who can’t manage that as datable, not in terms of having enough spare time, being prepared to invest any effort or being social enough to be good company.

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