Why Are There So Many Flakes On OKCupid?

December 18th, 2013

NEW!, OKCupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips

Comment: This is something that’s more of a question to put out there for all of your readers, since I know you and most of your readers use OKCupid, but has anyone noticed an uptick of notifications from OK that people ‘like’ you? (meaning they’ve given you 4 or 5 stars on the QuickMatch system) Since re-activating my account, I’ve received at least 2 every two weeks, I search the username on OKCupid (since I don’t pay for that feature) and I email these women back, but I never get a response from any of them, which I think odd since they’ve apparently viewed my profile and seemed interested. I’d just like to know if I’m the only person I have this happening to on OKCupid, if OKCupid is up to some shenanigans to try to get people to pay additional for the QuickMatch service, or if this is the norm. Thanks!
Age: 44
City: Boston
State: MA

I’ve received a few Quickmatch ratings and contacted those people and had some of them not reply, too. I don’t know if it’s necessarily a scam, though.

Rating someone as opposed to emailing them has a lower level of investment. It’s easier. Sometimes people do it without actually reading the profile and questions or looking through the photos. I’ve rated or liked people before thoroughly reading their profile only to find out there’s a major deal breaker in their responses or photos. I’ve also accidentally rated people when using the app. I have man-thumbs, you see.

It also appears that the OKCupid app is now set up to resemble Tinder in that you can just swipe through profiles and swipe in a specific direction in order to notify that person that you like them.  If you incorrectly swipe right (or left?) then that person gets  a notification that you like them. I’ve done this a couple of times. Those guys that I erroneously rated by swiping in the wrong direction contacted me and I didn’t respond. It sounds like that might be what’s happening here with you.

It’s important to remember that since OKCupid is free it’s going to attract a lot of bottom feeders. Since members don’t have to pay to communicate, that site becomes a breeding ground for attention seekers, con artists and folks just looking for something to occupy their time because they’re bored.

It makes sense that someone who didn’t want to take the time to write a message would flake. They probably weren’t all that interested in the first place, hence why they didn’t exert much effort. Or they rated a bunch of people and, much like when someone sends a mass text, decided to focus on whomever replied first. OKCupid is owned by Match.com, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility that this is just a sales tactic. That said,  I honestly don’t think that OKCupid is taking a page from Match.com’s book and trying to rope you in to re-upping on their service by fabricating possible suitors.

When I was using OKCupid, I paid for the membership. I liked seeing who rated me. I also had a love/hate relationship with the ability to see if a message I sent had been read. I think you should sign up for the paid membership strictly for the ability to see who rated you.That’s it. Don’t torture yourself by checking to see if your attempt at contact has been opened.

As wishy washy as it seems to flirt or wink or rate someone, people just get tired of crafting emails only to have so many of them go unanswered.

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17 Responses to “Why Are There So Many Flakes On OKCupid?”

  1. noquay Says:

    Moxie, you nailed it; it’s a free site. No need to invest much of anything. When I was last on OK, about two years ago, I had a much slower smartphone that I used to check the site. I often mis-starred guys I did not want because of the delay between the photos coming up and my response. Oops. What can you say? “Sorry, I really meant to 5 star the hot guy before you?” Better to be seen as a flake, eh?

  2. C Says:

    i’m not really sure how okc makes money. advertising or possibly data collection on its members that it resells to advertisers. either way, i would be there is a benefit to keepingits customers engaged and coming back.

    i recently heard about a scandel with ashley madison dot com about a woman who had been hired to create a fake profile and chat up customers online sued about some workers comp issue. i also noticed that match made it very VERY easy to accidentally view a profile when i was actually trying to delete it from my favorites list for example. A UI designed to make it very easy to ‘accidentally’ show interest when what you wanted to do was click the next button (as moxie mentioned) or show interest in someone else is a ‘design flaw’ some manager probably got a big bonus check for invisioning.

    Another possibility is the fact that people online tend to have short attention spans. Hot for you today. Bored with you tomorrow.

  3. GI_JANE Says:

    1. OP, what you describe above is a very common situation.

    2. To be honest, I think people see a whole bunch of people online they find attractive, and think bigger, better, prettier/handsomer around the corner.

    3. In short people think they have an endless array of partners to choose from.

    4. Most people I know who online date do so endlessly finding “something wrong” in everyone they meet.

    5. Winks/flirts/ratings/views don’t mean sh*t if a person is not sending or responding to a FREE e-mail. Get over your excuses and face reality.

  4. Sherry Says:

    Warning: this message is kinda long. I’ve been using Match.com for a couple of months. Anyhow, a guy added my profile to his ‘Favorites’ list last month, then proceeded to send me a wink. He also liked all 10 of my profile pictures and picked me out of his daily matches.

    Guess what? He never messaged me. I messaged him to thank him for checking out my profile, but he didn’t respond even though he has a paid profile and can send messages. However, it’s his right to not be that interested, so I move on to people who reciprocate the positive interest.

    To the OP: when a man likes my profile pictures or sends a wink, I sometimes will reciprocate by liking one of his pictures or sending him a wink. However, I have changed my mind multiple times after reading his profile more carefully. Sometimes his profile has a bucket list of traits that his ideal woman ‘must have,’ and I know I’ll never possess any of the qualities he claims to seek.

    Other times his profile indicates he’s separated with three or four young children. I only date men who are single, divorced or widowed, but I do not deal with married men or legally separated guys. And if a man has kids, I prefer they be older so as to avoid visitation issues and childcare problems that interfere with dating.

    Still, I’ve changed my mind when I’ve read his profile and realize our lifestyles are grossly incompatible. I am an introverted homebody who probably will not click with a guy who has a busy social calendar, goes to clubs and house parties every weekend, and is into adventurous outdoorsy activities like deep sea diving, bungee jumping, mountain climbing and horseback riding.

    Online dating is the land of short attention spans. Don’t take anything to heart.

  5. Kira Says:

    I’m an annoying “flake” who has had profiles on two separate dating sites for about a year, with no intention of dating or contacting anyone yet. It’s like pre-shopping to build up my courage to start a real profile. They aren’t fake profiles, in that all the info is truthful, but I don’t post photos, list scant information and am not a subscriber so I can’t be contacted, anyway.

    I do sometimes accidentally like or favorite someone, I’m sure when that happens the guy wonders why when I have next to no information in my profile. What boggles my mind is when I get messages from guys on OKC saying, “I feel like we’d be a great match, your profile is great!” when there is almost nothing there.

    • Howard Says:

      Best post on this thread. It pretty much makes the point. I never had much luck on OKC, and reading your post pretty much says why. I think when I tried OKC two years ago, I stayed on for like one month and gave up on that site.

      There are better sites for guys. I found the women there looking for exactly that, that one special snowflake. And I sure as hell knew I wasn’t that special snowflake. The other thing I found a little weird, was that the women looked too good. They didn’t seem to represent a typical cross-section of the population. I found this to be highly suspicious. I don’t know if it was OKC’s shenanigans or women putting on doctored photos or best angles.

      Maybe OKC works for women.

      • noquay Says:

        No Howard, it doesn’t. I too was guilty of putting a bare bones profile on a good many free sites, including OKC. You want to see who is on there; if it’s worth your while to subscribe before you shell out money.

        • Kira Says:

          Yes, exactly. I am just looking every few months to see if I want to subscribe (I’m newly divorced and just not sure I’m ready to put myself online), which I can’t do without a profile. I have no photos and put almost no information in my profile. No normal man who really wanted to date would contact me as there is nothing to go on. I don’t contact anyone, wink at anyone, favorite anyone – I’m not playing a game, just looking. The only thing that would be annoying, I suppose, is for me to show in searches or to artificially inflate the number of women in my demographic in my area by one.

      • msM. Says:

        Howard, in terms of looks: It’s the demographics. Not to be too crude, but I first had a profile on match a few years back, and it was a “natural” photo with no make-up but I felt had my “personality”. I got the odd cop and fireman despite hinting that I spoke several languages, had an ivy degree, etc…this is New York I am talking about.
        A few years later i sign up for Okcupid and use better photos (taken on the computer) with good lighting and make-up. shazam-bang! On OkCupid I feel like the men are more like me, more urbane, artier, better-travelled, educated, tons of Europeans which I like a lot, and tons of them, and many who are truly interested. Match, back in 2009 at least, felt really square. “not my scene” is how I’d describe it. I felt like Match it was for a crowd that wasn’t too keen on technology and not design-aware either.
        I felt like the women on Match were prissier and blonder than usual. As a mediterranean-looking woman I feel at ease in OkCupid. Match felt suburban/”The Gap”-like and a bit dated.
        What I really liked about OkCupid is that it made online dating easy and unfussy, as if it were no big deal.

        • Howard Says:

          The harsh realities of online dating is that the sites which are best for women are not necessarily the sites which are best for men. It probably has to do with the number of men and women signed up. If there are a disproportionately large number of men, then that works great for the women, but not so well for the men.

          Add to that, women putting up profiles where they are not serious about meeting anyone, the situation becomes even worse for men.

          Conversely if too many women are on a site, like eHarmony, then that doesn’t work so well for the women there but quite nicely for the guys there.

          I personally always did better at the smaller niche sites. There are less people there, but people who match some deep interest of mine. There, I generally found people less caught up in the “kid in the candy store” mentality of there always being a better guy or girl out there, hence less judgemental and more motivated to have a relationship.

          I will readily admit that I was also not the typical guy with typical tastes. Some people might even think me strange, and I can perfectly understand why. I’m vegetarian, don’t eat breakfast, do too much working out and dancing, do quite a bit of meditating, definitely anti-consumerism and absolutely refuse to buy into the status-quo. So Niche sites that had other people into those things made the best sense for me.

          • GI_JANE Says:

            Don’t know why you got thumbs down, but Howard is speaking the truth.

            1. For the LONGEST time I have been trying to figure out why I don’t get enough attention on match, and you hit the nail on the head, we are too much of individuals.

            2. I too am have a life outside of the typical consumerism, stake eating, over shopping, box blond with overly white smile, who talks about how much she likes wine and travel.

            3. Match definitely caters to the yuppies. But bc I was told quality men are only on paid sites, I stayed there. Now I see there is more to life than the status quo.

  6. Yvonne Says:

    Match.com has a feature where you are shown two photos of two different men and asked to pick the one you like best. After going through a few of these, the profiles of the ones you picked are shown to you so that yo can contact them. I’ve never gone through a man’s photos and liked or disliked any of his pictures, but I started getting messages from men thanking me for liking their photos. I believe that when you use this function of the site, the men whose photos you’ve picked are actually getting a message saying that you “liked” their photo. Of course, you also make the selection before you’ve read anything about the person.

    • Sherry Says:

      I’m a Match.com subscriber. The ‘daily matches’ that you select will receive an email stating that you’re interested in them. Since the daily match feature does not allow me to read the man’s profiles before clicking ‘like,’ I skip it altogether because I want to avoid giving out too many false displays of interest.

      • AC Says:

        The Daily match feature on match.com is a total waste and usually matches you with people you’re not really compatible with. The best way to search on match is to roll up your sleeves and do a specific search; distance, height, body type, and of course…interests. Is this fool proof? Of course not but it’s a lot more efficient than matches ridiculous selection process: you both “like dogs”, you’re both “catholic”,..or my favorite. you’re both “fine wine connoisseurs”…decide what you want, not what they think you want.

  7. msM. Says:

    I loved Okcupid and I enjoy online dating in general because it allows for a level of screening that you’d never get in real life. I’d actually spend some time while on a line for something, or what not, going through quickmatch. To be very honest it is more like a rating game because you don’t look at the person’s profile, it’s the photo basically.
    I guess the OP has to make a more concentrated effort and ask himself what kinds of messages he sends out.
    Is his profile accurate? (telling of job/area of work/if he is divorced/how many kids/no over sexual references/obvious red flags. Then he should contact people based on common interests and keep it very brief and not too cling. “hi thanks for checking my profile, I noticed that you mentioned__________on your profile. I am also_________. I like how said “________”. I am ____ I do(job) ______ and I am looking for (LTR/etc…)________. Let me know if you’d like to talk further. Best, ____. THAT’S IT. Keep it brief but mention something about the woman’s profile. (NOT HOW SHE LOOKS).
    I like OkCupid a lot although the level of guys varies a lot. I like how it is more casual to use. If you want something more substantial and less competition then you should pay for match. I guess for a guy it’s a good thing to know who rated you.
    It has a great design and interface and it is FREE!!!

    • Steve Says:

      msM “loves” online Cupid and online dating in general because msM is female. Online dating for guys is the opposite experience in general.

      • msM. Says:

        Yes you are absolutely right:) It’s a really interesting way to deal with male attention without having to go to bars and parties. BUT it’s not guaranteed in anyway. I just found out someone I had been talking to and was planning to meet soon is actually married and 8 years older than indicated in his profile…LOL…not on Okcupid though, but a bdsm dating site, where married men lurk more freely, disguised by the anonymity.
        There is no perfect world. We’re out there swimming hoping to find the right person:)

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