Comment: So over the last few years I’ve been really working on myself, and now I am getting dates with men I like.
However, I’m seeing a new pattern now, almost all the guys I end up likeing end up disappearing on me fairly early in the dating process. Usually after date 2 or 3, but some after the first date (which I’m the one ending because they seem to want to make it last forever).
These men compliment me on looking better than my photos, and tell me about all the disappointments they have had with other women and how I’m so different. How I’m more attractive than my photos and easy to talk.
Now then why do these guys dissapear and more importantly, what is this saying about me since this happens to me so often?
The red flag here is all of the compliments. I have commented many times that compliments from strangers, specifically effusive comments about looks, are usually disingenuous. These guys are saying all these wonderful things to you because either a) they’re socially awkward and think that the way to get a woman to like them is to tell her she’s pretty or b) they’re trying to lull her into a false sense of security.
Also a red flag is when they tell you how different you are from other women. They’re playing into the stereotype that all women get a thrill hearing they’ve somehow one upped another woman.
These men that faded were probably just after sex. When they didn’t get it (or once they did) they fell off the planet. Either that or they were just looking for someone with whom they could commiserate with or who might understand their loneliness and frustration.
I want you to think about what a statement like, ‘You look prettier than your photos” implies. To me, a “compliment” like that says, “I wasn’t all that sure you were attractive/thought you were okay/wasn’t all that attracted to you but figured what the hell.” It’s a backhanded compliment. As people here have said before, you really want to try to avoid situations where you’re out with someone who is lukewarm about you. If somebody says something like this to you again, without any kind of provocation from you, then take that as a sign that they’re possibly out with you because they didn’t have many other options or consider the date a throw away.
People who unload about their negative dating experiences, on a date no less, really should be avoided at all costs. Not only is it bad form but it hints at a discontent with dating and the opposite sex.
The Fade is a staple of online dating, though. You must understand that. It can happen at any time. That’s why you can’t apply or give too much credit to someone who showers you with compliments. You can’t get invested in that kind of attention because it’s not real.
Something else to consider is that your photos or profile give off a certain vibe, one that draws in the guys that are looking to pull one over on you. When I was looking through women’s profiles last week, I came across a number of profiles where the woman posted pictures of her all taken manually in some way. All of the photos were of her in her apartment. I know that Zoosk recently released survey data saying that women with selfies and with photos taken inside their home get more responses. I wanted to offer a possible alternate theory as to why.
I think that the profiles of women where they have selfies and snaps of them in their apartments make them appear isolated and lonely. I know that when I see a man’s profile and it’s a bunch of selfies of him in his apartment, my first thought is whether or not he has any friends. There’s something off about someone who doesn’t have at least 2 photos where it was clear somebody else took the picture.
While I think selfies are perfectly acceptable now, they HAVE to be amongst photos where you’re out and about and not sitting in your apartment taking shot after shot. There are apps now that you can download that have a timer so that you can pose for a photo and make it look like you had a friend take the picture.
The men you’re meeting, Jane, all sound like sad sacks. If your photos are mostly one of you in your home taking pictures of yourself without a number of others out socially or not taken by anyone else to balance that out, that could be why you keep encounter guys like this.
Here are some more of the Stats from the Zoosk survey.
- You’ll get a 203% bump in your incoming messages average if your photo has a full body shot, regardless of your gender
- Women get 60% more messages if their profile pictures were taken indoors
- Men get 19% more messages if their profile pictures were taken outdoors
- Selfies get women 4% more messages, and lower men’s incoming average by 8%
- Man or woman, posing with animals lowers your average by 53% and posing with your friends lowers your average by 42%