Comment: Hi Moxie,
I’ve been dating this guy who I met on an online dating website since the beginning of December. Things have been moving along fine – we see each other about 1-2 times per week and spent NYE together. I’m still casually dating others, but I really enjoy the time I spent with him the most (and hope that he’s starting to feel the same way). Not a lot to describe here, since it’s still in the beginning stages, but the chemistry I feel with him is great and I could definitely see him in my future.
However, we’re both still active on this online dating site, and when I logged on yesterday, I saw that his entire profile was revamped. (He doesn’t know when I’m clicking on his profile.) He put up new photos, new summary, everything. (it was fine before, btw) I still went out with him the day after I knew about his fancy new revised profile . But, while we were out on the town, I didn’t really know how to bring up what I had just observed online. Is it worth bringing up? My gut is saying he’s obviously on the prowl and instead of narrowing down his dating options after a month of seeing me, he’s trying to expand them by proactively promoting himself online. Thoughts?
You can bring it up, but my guess is you’ll hear something you don’t want to hear. Yes, I would agree that if he’s revamping his profile, he’s still out there looking for prospective partners.
Keep in mind what a gesture like that says. He knows you can see his profile at any time. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s still actively on the market. What does that tell you about him? Mind you, it doesn’t make him a bad person as long as he’s not going out of his way to lead you to believe otherwise. But it does speak to his intentions and how he operates. He really doesn’t care what you know or find out. Some people might say that maybe he trusts her or maybe he’s just absent minded. Perhaps. But most people know the drill with online dating. They know profiles are public. They are aware of the fact that whomever they are dating can see their profile at any time. So either this person is trying to establish expectations in a passive aggressive way or has convinced themselves that they’re being honest and upfront. Neither bode well for the relationship.
But let’s also keep in mind that you were active on the site, too. For all you know, he was checking your profile as well and saw that you had logged on recently. So maybe he’s thinking what you’re thinking and that’s why he revamped his profile.
There’s really only one way to know if you and this guy are on the same page. You can’t sit back and cross your fingers and hope he’ll eventually bring it up. Yeah, it’s nice if the man initiates that stuff, it makes us feel pursued and all that good stuff. But, as we wait for a man to declare his love for us, we ending surrendering all of our power and control in the process. The bottom line is that if you want something, you need to ask for it. You need to open the door to that conversation. It can be as simple as, “Hey, do you think we’re at a place where we should both take down our profiles or should we wait a bit longer?”
Either he’ll hem and haw, in which case you have your answer, or he’ll open up and tell you what he’s thinking and feeling. Which might not be exactly what you want to hear, but it’s progress. You’ve taken a proactive role in your love life, which is a whole lot more satisfying that hanging back and hoping things will magically go your way.