Comment: Why would a guy decline casual sex?
I am somewhat puzzled by my recent experience. I met a man through a dating website. We had a great first date, then a second date a week after. He was out of my league, and had more red flags than Red Square on May Day, but I rationalized that since I have my share of red flags too, his red flags were not such a big deal. And I fell head over the heels.
He acted as if he is attracted to me (looks on the first date, steamy making out in his car at the end of the second date). I was somewhat surprised in hindsight that he did not suggest to go to his place to continue what we started.
As time went by I realized that the third date is not happening, and that I am being “friend zoned”. Perhaps he thought that I am crazy (indeed I pretty much lost my head about him and unfortunately it was showing).
Then I decided that I have nothing to lose, and propositioned casual sex. Which he declined…
While the obvious take-home message is not to act crazy (explaining to a guy on a second date just how much I like him in great detail was in hindsight a really bad idea) and not to text too much, I wonder what in general can make a guy decline such a proposition from a woman he is attracted to physically. The only explanation I could come up with was that a guy might be afraid that the woman will stalk him, but I have a good reason to believe that this is not the case in this particular situation.
State: North East
You got turned down because the guy didn’t trust your motives. You told him you were falling for him or that you really liked him. Then, when you saw he was slipping away, you tried to use sex as bait to re-gain his interest. He knew what you were doing and declined, knowing it would almost assuredly end with you wanting more and getting more attached.
In other words, he was being a decent human being. Yes, he was probably also thinking of himself and weighed the pros and cons and decided to avoid this particularly sticky wicket or a proposition. There’s something about a person using sex as a last ditch effort to get someone’s attention that is overwhelmingly uncomfortable. There’s nothing hot about it. Just because he has a penis doesn’t mean he can’t exercise good judgment. Men and women can usually see through an act like that, especially older or more experienced folks. I don’t think he feared you’d stalk him. I’m not sure many men go there in their heads. I think he feared he wouldn’t be able to get rid of you easily. Those are two different things.
I think everybody is different in terms of just how much possible conflict or drama they are willing to deal with. Some guys might have taken you up on this. Some others would have done what this guy did and backed away slowly, fearing possible conflict and hurt feelings.
There’s various kinds of crazy person sex. One case is when both people contribute to the chaos and the relationship is intense and contentious and the sex is off the charts. Another is when one or both people are unstable to some degree. Then there’s your garden variety crazy person who repeatedly picks fights or flounces when stuff gets heavy or they don’t get what they want but usually returns. Crazy person sex is fun, sometimes amazing, but usually somewhat exhausting. Not the sex itself. The aftermath. The emails, the passive aggressive petty fights, the emotions, etc. You finally get to a point where you go, “Yeah. This isn’t worth it anymore.” It becomes too much effort to maintain and manage. The offer of casual sex comes with a lot of potential landmines, which is why some people turn it down. For some all it takes is one bad experience. For others it takes several experiences before they get sick of it. And some people never tire of it. Those people are usually “crazy.”
The reason why this situation has you so baffled is because you buy in to the myth that no guy will ever turn down sex because all guys think about is sex. Sex, sex, sex. That’s all guys want. Sex. Because they’re guys. And guys like sex. All. The. Time. It’s a stereotype, and it’s a bad one. Not only that but having a high sex drive and liking sex is common amongst both men and women. Not just men.