I am a “young professional” guy living in Boston for 3 years. I moved here from Ireland with my job.
At first I guess I thought I had struck gold, I merely had to order a beer at the bar when someone would overhear my accent and want to introduce themselves. It seemed easy to meet women and get dates…. but the novelty quickly wore off. As a female friend recently commented when I told her this story.. “I guess the accent is your version of the female ‘My eyes are up here!'”. Women seem to be very keen on meeting a foreign guy, an being Irish in Boston helps I guess. But I soon found myself slightly turned off when the ONLY thing they seemed interested in was asking me to “Say something Irish…” but never interested in me, my interests, my careers, my likes, my dislikes, or anything else at all…
I’m at a point where I don’t want to be “the Irish guy”. Women seem to see me as a short-term option or a hookup, but never seem to actually consider dating me. I know that sounds cynical, and I hate sounding that way but it does sometimes feel that way.
Over the past 2 years, I’ve had short relationships which last a few weeks to maybe a month or two.
A lot of girls seem to want to hookup quickly, then vanish or make their excuses.
One girl, as it turned out, used me as her one last fling before marriage (Note: I had no idea she was engaged and I cut it off the second I found out).
The last girl I dated was for about a month, she seemed very into me, said all the right things, it felt like it might go somewhere and she was open to it. But as soon as we slept together she disappeared off the face of the earth. As ridiculous as it sounds, I felt used. We went through the whole normal dating phase for weeks, I didn’t want to rush it and it seemed like it was working this time… but the result was once again the same.
I’m just very confused. Meeting or getting dates is not an issue. Forming a relationship seems almost impossible. I don’t know if being foreign means that how I talk or act is not what women might consider longterm or if they think I’m going to up and leave or what it is really…
Any opinions out there?
As someone with an accent fetish, I can only speak from my experience. Yes, some women will want to get with you just for the accent. It’s something different. The accent conjures up images of James Bond and Benedict Cumberbatch. Accents can compensate for a lot. Unfortunately for those with the accents, the thrill doesn’t last for long. Eventually the intrigue wears off.
It sounds like you’re meeting women who aren’t genuinely interested in or attracted to you beyond the accent. So, going forward, you should probably avoid dating any female who gushes or makes a big deal of your accent. Consider it a red flag. You should also probably make a concerted effort to meet women who are a bit more worldly. I will be the first to admit that my attraction to accents is due to my own lack of sophistication. If I went to Columbia or worked in finance or a more upscale industry, I’d probably come in contact with men from England, Ireland, Australia, etc regularly. When you lead a rather sheltered life and surround yourself with people who look and talk just like you, you’re more likely to notice that thing that stands out or feels different, especially if it’s associated with something or someone considered glamorous. Especially especially if all you know of that culture or country comes from TV and movies. I was embarrassed that I had to ask who Guy Fawkes was while I was watching the new season of BBC’s Sherlock. Just by asking about the history behind Guy Fawkes Day showed how narrow my world view is.
It sounds like you need to network in circles where being from another country isn’t considered so exotic. Boston, because it has so many excellent schools and universities, has a number of inhabitants from other parts of the world. I would go to Meetup.com and try to join some of the International and Ex-Pat groups.
Your age might be a factor, too. If you’re going after women in their early twenties, then that might also be contributing to why these women are so flakey. So maybe try to meet women a few years older than you. Not only have they been around longer and have probably already encountered their fair share of Liam Neesons sound-alikes, but they’re more likely to know what they want.
Also consider that, well, you might need to polish up your social and sexual skills. If the sex was satisfying, I don’t see why these women wouldn’t come back for more. Harsh, I know, but a real possibility. You’ll need to do some inventory. If women frequently bail right after sex, then the sex might be the issue.
Finally, what’s your visa status? I have to be honest and say that unless someone had a green card, I’d be hesitant to get involved with them unless they were here on a work visa. I wouldn’t want to get attached only to find out their visa wasn’t being renewed or that they had to go back home and re-apply. That could take several months. That’s something you may wish to be upfront about, even in your dating profile if you have one. Unfortunately, there are some people who actively try to date American citizens in the hopes they can get married and they can gain citizenship.