Should He Tell Her She’s Not Tight Enough For Him?

February 6th, 2014

Douchey Guys, Moxie Rant, NEW!, Orly?, Sex

Name: Ottercmt-medium

Comment: I have been dating a girl for the last month and it’s gotten physical a few times now, but it’s somewhat unsatisfying. I’m a decent sized fellow, if you get my drift, but she still seems rather…loose. She isn’t having any problems with how the pieces fit, but I am. Is there a polite way to tell a girl you’ve recently started sleeping with that she needs to do kegels? I’d like to keep seeing her but sex is an important part of the relationship. It needs to be good for me to stay and right now it’s definitely below average. Or should I just move on?
Age: 37
City: Brooklyn
State: NY


This question reminds me of the comments we got on a post about oral sex. Some guys were insisting that that they looooved going down on women…as long as she had recently showered and shaved and was all “clean.” Those guys truly believe that they are all down with going down, but they’re not. Saying that a woman has to be recently showered and “fresh” in order to orally pleasure her reveals way more about a guy than he realizes. To a guy like that, the vagina is dirty and smelly and gross or they feel inadequate in some way and are just looking for an excuse not to perform oral sex because they fear they won’t be able to satisfy their partner.

If we only ever went down on someone if they were neatly groomed and “clean” we’d almost never go down on someone. Reasonable and experienced people know this. Mature folks are well aware of everything that occurs in that region and understands all the possibilities of what could pop up in terms of what we smell and taste. But guess what? We do it any way because either we love it or we know our partner loves it or both.  Yep, might have to deal with a stray hair between your teeth or chaffing or could  catch a whiff of something a little musky. It happens sometimes. But we work through it. If you’re into it and you care about your partner, an initial slight stench or change in taste doesn’t deter you.  It’s the human body, not a field of roses.

Same goes for the idea that a woman isn’t “tight” enough. Orly? Are you packing a rolling pin? The problem isn’t her perceived “looseness.” Well, that’s not true. The problem is her perceived looseness. But it’s the figurative “looseness.” Get my drift, wink wink nudge nudge? Otter fears his partner has “been around” since her vagina doesn’t possess some sort of Kung Fu Grip. Because that’s a totally reasonable expectation to have of an adult woman who has had a healthy, normal, active sex life, right? I mean, it’s our job to keep our pelvic floor nice and tight so we can please our man, amirite ladeez? We have to make sure we can accommodate all of their girth..because that’s a given, right? That every man we ever sleep with will be well endowed and we’re never, ever, ever disappointed?

Oh, wait, it’s not? You mean, sex isn’t like what we’ve seen in porn? Well, that’s disappointing.

Look. The problem isn’t your partner’s vaginal muscles. The problem is your insecurity and fear that she’s had more experience than you and that you might not be able to satisfy her. That’s it. Just by submitting this question you’re revealing your own inexperience. Date someone for any extended period of time and have a regular sex life and guess what? It won’t feel the same as it did in the beginning. Science, bitch. You’d know that if you dated anybody for longer than a month or two. But since you actually think this “problem” is a problem and want to suggest to your lady friend that she do kegel exercises, I’m going to guess that your relationships don’t last very long.

Oh, hey, want kids? Yeah? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there’s a real chance that the mother of your children might experience some changes “down there.” Oh, you thought her vagina would stay exactly the same or think that it’s okay if that’s what causes her vagina to be less tight? You. Are. PRECIOUS.

How about you just be grateful for the fact that you managed to find someone willing to sleep with you and quit yer’ bitching?

Take it away, Lafayette.


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61 Responses to “Should He Tell Her She’s Not Tight Enough For Him?”

  1. msM. Says:

    It’s not worth the conversation. If all of this is about how tight someone’s vajay is, go find another one. ANY woman who stays with you after this “conversation” is not on her right mind anyway.
    Slept with a guy with a very small penis a few times, I liked him OK but long term the sex was not going to work (not just because of penis size, there were other factors as well). Would I tell him that? Hell no. That’s not something you tell someone.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 38 Thumb down 14

    • SierraWhiskey Says:

      Agreed. Either this guy is into it or he’s not, same as the “they need to be clean” oral sex folks. I wonder if this woman is secretly harboring reserves about any of HIS flaws?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 6

  2. HammersAndNails Says:

    You are way off base here Moxie. It actually does happen that some people just are a better fit than others, and sometimes very noticeably so. I don’t even believe that it’s about how much sex a person has (beyond the very temporary no sex for months tightness). I think it’s probably pretty close to luck of the draw like a guys size. Just like a mans size, most anything close to average is fine, some will be bigger and some will be smaller, and there certainly comes a point where too big a difference will have a strong negative impact. Have you never had a penis that just didn’t do it for you?

    If a woman wrote in asking if it was ok to ask her guy to go down on her more because he was small, I really don’t think she would have gotten nearly the same sort of response.

    If the guy actually admitted that he was small and that because his girlfriend was “normal” and he was small he’d like her to do kegals, would you have given him a real answer instead of getting all ridiculous and defensive? I’m at an utter loss to figure out how you brought porn into this, or how you are trying to conflate a very literal and tangible problem into some sort of slut shaming accusation.

    “How about you just be grateful for the fact that you managed to find someone willing to sleep with you and quit yer’ bitching?” – and you would say that to a woman exactly never. under any circumstances.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 92 Thumb down 29

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I’ve written similar rants in regards to women swearing up and down that they’d dump a guy if he didn’t go down on her. Don’t tell me what I’d write if the roles were reversed. This is a stupid non-problem concocted by whiny dudes who sit on the internet looking for excuses as to why nobody will have sex with them.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 32 Thumb down 55

      • HammersAndNails Says:

        Are you saying you don’t believe there is a penis out there that would be an actual problem for you? (small, large, crooked, or other)

        And again with the odd misdirection. What is this reverse-slut-shaming now? Don’t love every vagina you ever met? Must be mothers basement dwelling virgin? How does that even make sense?

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 41 Thumb down 6

        • AnnieNonymous Says:

          Sure there are men who’d be sexually incompatible with any woman, for any number of reasons. A normal woman would think, “Eh, whatever, it’s just not going to work,” not, “This is a problem that needs to be fixed FOR ME.” The other side of it is that if this guy really did like the woman, he wouldn’t care if she wasn’t the best sex he’s ever had. The whole point is that he doesn’t give a shit about her anyway. He’s not trying to forge or save a relationship with her. He just wants her to change.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 11

      • Methinks Says:

        Wow. Moxie sure took the question personally and instead of answering the question, decided to attack the OP. Methinks she may have been told she’s similarly loose before.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 50 Thumb down 18

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      Just to be clear, I understand that “If you don’t like it, move on” is probably about all the advice that’s needed here.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 43 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        To truly reverse the genders would be a woman writing in to say, “He likes the sex, but he just doesn’t achieve the…depth that works for me. Would it be okay to gently persuade him to try a penis pump or injections?” Yes, the men would be biting this hypothetical woman’s head off.

        I’d say sometimes genitals really are incompatible, but either you like the person enough to work around that, or you don’t.

        Also yes, “Don’t like it, move on” is all that’s really needed.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 3

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          I guess that depends on how effective/ridiculous you view kegals. If a girl said my guy isn’t hard enough can I suggest Viagra, I would one hundred percent support her.

          Do most women consider kegals effective or nonsense? I have no idea, though I have seen some suggestion that they do work.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            **If a girl said my guy isn’t hard enough can I suggest Viagra, I would one hundred percent support her.**

            No, in the analogy the girl thinks the guy isn’t big enough. Viagra can’t help that.

            I think Kegels can’t hurt, haven’t looked into research on it. I’ve never had complaints, but I would be offended if asked.

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          • Nicole Says:

            Several of my friends who have kids said that their OBs recommended kegels after childbirth, so I assume there’s some evidence that they work. Not sure if there’s any real benefit if you haven’t just pushed out a baby, but I’m with Fuzzilla, it can’t hurt ;)

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • chillybeans Says:

            uhmm….I had the Viagra conversation and it DID NOT GO WELL.

            All I did was suggest he visit the Dr for some pills to help with his medication related ED. He got supremely pissed and said ‘how would you like it if I called you dry and barren”.

            He was a jerk and we split up for anger issues….of all things! Who knew!!! Surprise, surprise.

            If this is that important to you, then just find someone else, move on. I think you are looking for an OK to do that. Wish granted!!

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

    • C Says:

      “How about you just be grateful for the fact that you managed to find someone willing to sleep with you and quit yer’ bitching?” – and you would say that to a woman exactly never. under any circumstances.

      Yes, Moxie says stuff like this to women ALL THE TIME. She knocks women off their pedestal regularly. She tells women to lower their standards/demands if they want a man on a regular basis which in essense is the same as saying “just be glad you can get a man”.

      I actually agree that he is not “slut shaming” and that this is in fact a real problem that falls under the category of “bad sex”. A friend of mine once described it as “[having sex] with a warm glass of water”. Honestly, that just doesnt sound very good at all. I’m betting this poor girl is probably just stretched out from child birth and has no idea this is an issue.

      I actually think that its kind of nice that rather than saying, “Bad sex. I’m out!” (which everyone here would support) he actually wants to stick around and see if he cant work through it. The problem is that he sounds like an entitled prick which is what in large part I think Moxie is responding negatively to.

      He essentially said, “This chick I’m screwing is bad in bed because she is all stretched out. If I insult her, will she make the sex good for me?”

      If he had instead said, “I just started dating this new girl and while the sex is unsatisfying, I like her enough to try to work through this problem. How do I approach such an issue in a brand new relationship?” I think he would have gotten a totally different reaction.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 3

      • C Says:

        Wanted to add, I think if he had made it about himself and what he can do to get the stimulation he needs rather than making it about his partner and how “loose she is”, I think he would have gotten a different reaction.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        As I’ve said many times befor4e, your male friends sound absolutely dreadful. I don’t know why you’re so proud of being friends with men who say things like that. I mean, I do know why. It’s just terribly unfortunate that you don’t.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 27

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          Seems like pretty normal guy talk. If it seems shocking it may have more to do with guys feeling comfortable talking guy talk around you rather then these guys being unusually crude.

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        • LostSailor Says:

          I’ve overheard women talk about sex with their girlfriends, and I have such conversations relay from time to time, and it can be far more graphic and far more graphically disparaging and critical than anything C has related his male friends say.

          In my experience, after a certain age, men don’t usually talk about their sexual exploits in much detail. But I gotta agree with H&N that it doesn’t seem very dreadful…

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

        • C Says:

          Sorry Moxie, I dont think you’ve said that to me. Might have me confused with someone else.

          I didnt think what my friend/former boyfriend said was all that bad either….but perhaps its a case of like attracts like. He wasnt actually criticizing anyone he knew personally. We were listening to talk radio in his car. He laughed at something a caller said and made the “warm glass of water” comment. I can only assume he drew the comment from personal experience but he never explicitly said so.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  3. Selena Says:

    I’ve had partners that were smaller than the partner I had previous. I’ve had partners that were on the under size of average. I know what the “loose” thing is about, and I would wonder if the guy was too small for me. What I found is some positions work better than others, and sometimes adjusting the angle makes a difference.

    You might want to see if you can find better angles, positions before you give up. Definitely DO NOT suggest kegel exercises to someone you’ve only been dating a month. I can almost guarantee such a suggestion will not be well received and most likely make the woman too insecure to continue to have sex with you. If in fact she doesn’t come out and say that it’s not her being loose, it’s you that are too small compared to other men. Would you want to hear that? I didn’t think so.

    Either give it a little more time and patience, or break it off before you unnecessarily hurt each other.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 33 Thumb down 1

    • mindstar Says:

      A thoughtful and helpful suggestion Selena. That could very well be her response to the OP and it could even be accurate. My women friends have told me that some men have a shall we say “inflated” view of their actual size. That being said Kegel exercises are recommended post childbirth by most OB-GYNs and certainly can’t hurt. They are also increasing recommended as women get older to help combat the natural loss of pelvic muscle tone as a woman ages.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  4. Sarah Says:

    “I’m a decent-sized fellow,, if you get my drift,” said every man ever.

    Vaginas don’t stretch permanently as a result of sex, and they are usually back to normal within 6 months of giving birth, unless the woman is having a Duggarfull of kids.

    If a vagina feels tight, the woman is probably not that into it. So, Otter, if you would like your girlfriend’s vagina to be tighter, try having this conversation with her.

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    • The D-man Says:

      If a vagina feels tight, the woman is probably not that into it.

      Nonsense. There is such a thing as differences in tightness, just as there are differences in penis size. I agree it has nothing to do with childbirth.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 4

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      Are your breasts the exact same size as all your friends as well? Hell, even on the same woman breasts are often noticeably different, yet you really think all vaginas are all exactly the same size?

      I’m amazed that this is something we need to argue about.

      Moxie is the one who muddied the water with the loose from sex thing. women are just built in many different sizes in many different ways

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

    • sj Says:

      Not sure I agree about the 6 month figure, or the reference to tons of kids. Pushing anything out stretches things…sometimes past the point they can elastically return to their before size. Wife and I have three kids…things are NOT the same as they were, but as adults we knew and expected some changes after the experience. Complaining about something I knew she was sensitive and concerned about just seemed mean and cruel. We adapted and things still work!

      Kegels, done regularly and against increasing mechanical resistance
      (Look up kegelmaster) seriously made a huge difference in vaginal tone. Huge.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

  5. BostonRobin Says:

    The sex isn’t working for you, end of story. Why don’t you just move on without humiliating her?

    Plus all the rest that Moxie said–this letter gave me the Ick.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 1

  6. Nicole Says:

    If good sex is important to you, and the sex is bad and not getting better, just break up with her. There’s no way to suggest kegels without mortifying her and ruining things. Besides, I really doubt that a few kegels would improve the sex all that much. It sounds like you two just don’t have great sexual chemistry – if you did, you would be enjoying the yourself too much to be mentally evaluating her size the whole time. I’ve been with guys of different sizes, and if there was chemistry, I didn’t notice size at all once things heated up.

    I’m also honestly wondering how much variation in size/tightness/whatever there could be between women. (Being a straight chick, I don’t have a ton of experience with other women’s insides.) Obviously things down there can take a while to recover after childbirth, but other than that… Not to get super graphic about it, but we all use regular tampons at some point every month without any problems getting them in or having them fall out. I guess I’m just dubious that it’s really a size issue, not just a general “bad sex” issue.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 6

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      This is weird that the women are having a hard time with this when they have so much evidence that everyone is built a little different.

      If I were to make an analogy I’d compare male length, girth, and hardness to female tightness, wetness, and a difficult to describe ‘softness’. Most women are well within normal, but exceptional and not so great are certainly out there and very obvious when you encounter it

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

      • Nicole Says:

        Hammers and Nails, I think the difference is that men can easily compare themselves to other men in terms of length and girth just by showering at the gym – and certainly get plenty of aspirational examples of erections in porn. Women may have an idea of what other women look like externally (especially if they look at porn) but have zero idea of what other women are like inside. If we’re not gay or bi, we’ll never know how tight, wet, or soft other women are.
        I think we all just assume we’re normal and other women must be similar. Yes, I’m sure there are outliers, I’ve certainly heard my guy friends trade drunken stories of girls who looked or smelled bizarre down there. But when it comes to normal variation, we don’t know as much. And the only “feedback” we get from guys is effusive praise, which we chalk up to the heat of the moment and/or things guys say because they want to keep getting laid!

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

        • C Says:

          Sorry Nicole, but I really hope straight guys arent all running around the gym locker room with raging erections. Lol.

          I think Hammer and Nails means that women should be aware that not everyone both male and female is built the same.

          But you bring up a great point. Even when boyfriends have complained about the sexual short comings of past lovers (no names mentioned of course), almost never will they complain about us so we tend to know what we do well but lack awareness about what we do badly.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

          • mindstar Says:

            And to add to C’s response the reason most male porn stars have such long careers (ex. Ron Jeremy) is because they are outliers with respect to length, stamina and recovery time. That’s why they do that for a living. For a woman to compare her lover to a male porn star as as irrational as when men compare their lovers to female porn stars.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          • Nicole Says:

            C, lol, with the locker room, I meant that guys could get a glimpse of each other in general, not erect!
            And mindstar, yes, there’s a reason I used the word “aspirational” when describing porn. Although I’m hoping no one aspires to be like Ron Jeremy.

            My point was that, while obviously bodies vary, we have no idea how we measure up in that regard. Possibly that’s true for both genders.

            And when it comes to guys telling us about their past experiences – I haven’t ever heard any one complain about a woman’s size or shape. Technique or unwillingness to experiment, and grooming habits, but not anatomy. Would seem very cruel – not to mention tacky – if they did, same as if I complained about a past lovers size.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

          • trojandoll Says:

            I agree with C – the locker room isn’t going to tell a guy much about the other guys. My ex-boyfriend and my husband are pretty close in size flaccid, but when hard my ex was significantly larger (not complaining about my husband’s size, it’s a fine size, my ex was just extremely large).

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  7. Howard Says:

    I am going to have to disagree on the analysis on the clean and showered thing. In fact, I find women insist on it, just as much as men. As humans, we are always a little wary, before we develop full familiarity. So what we ask for in the beginning is going to be relaxed once we know that person.

    Also, everyone has his or her own unique odor. That odor seriously amps up when they haven’t showered in a while or have been working out or dancing or doing something where they were sweating and/or worse yet stressing. Deodorants work a bit, but when one gets in really close, the limitations of deodorant are quickly realized.

    There is a cycle to this thing. The first time or two, passion may be so strong, that we ignore odor, even though we noticed it. Then comes the third time where we really start to notice odor. If one stays with the person, then after a while the concerns about odor start to fade.

    It’s funny how it works, but when we become accustomed to a person’s odor, we don’t get thrown off. It’s the “getting used to” part, that’s the bitch. I recommend trying to stay as showered and as fresh as one can, while the other person is getting used to your odor.

    If someone can’t put a good foot forward the first few times, I shudder when I imagine what will happen later on.

    On the topic of the day, there is a greater issue here, that I have spoken on before. It’s something, our historical puritanical brain washings have somehow led to hamstring us. Most people are not very good in bed, and they seem to have little proactive desire to remedy that. This includes both men and women. This concept of things coming naturally is bullshit. I am an amazing dancer. I went to dance school to learn that. I am an amazing runner. I had a lot of amazing coaches working with me over the years. That’s how stuff works in the modern world.

    I encountered a couple of situations, like the OP describes, and had no problem getting women to do kegels. It’s all about, how one approaches the matter at hand. It goes something like this.

    “That was good honey! Wanna try a few things that might be fun, honey? Tell me how this feels when I do this? Great, I’m so glad you love it. What about if you tried this? Damn, that feels amazing babe, you’re the best! If you practice this over time, they say you can get to be really unbelievably amazing at this stuff. Honey is there anything I can do, that you always wanted to have a guy do for you?”

    You have to give her something special first, then ask her to indulge you a bit; it’s that easy. It’s also helps when you seek her input too, because you may not be so amazing as you think.

    It’s seems people are not comfortable about discussing sex and doing it in a way that builds relationships. And believe it or not, the worst culprits are men, who are often quick to point the finger at how bad in bed many women are.

    I don’t believe in static models of human beings. I believe we are all on this amazing journey where our goal is to transform from the caterpillar into the butterfly. We are all capable of the most amazing things. Unfortunately we create blocks. That’s the power of great teachers and motivators and friends. They have a way of taking us higher, past all these blocks, by the power of their skill, love and passion to help us.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **“That was good honey! Wanna try a few things that might be fun, honey? Tell me how this feels when I do this? Great, I’m so glad you love it. What about if you tried this? Damn, that feels amazing babe, you’re the best! If you practice this over time, they say you can get to be really unbelievably amazing at this stuff. Honey is there anything I can do, that you always wanted to have a guy do for you?”**

      Yeah, if you *are* going to bring up how you’d like something different in the bedroom, the only way to do it is to phrase it in nothing but positives, like this.

      As for whether this particular issue is worth bring up, though, I tend to think no. Technique is something that can be easily fixed (someone can easily use two hands instead of one or whatever), but one’s anatomy…?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  8. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I don’t agree entirely with the analogy to guys who won’t go down. But, there is something to Moxie’s point because the guy wrote in to ask this ridiculous question. Okay, some women are tighter than others. Some are taller, shorter, some are fat, skinny. Normal variations in people shouldn’t raise such a quandary in a normal person. If something’s not working for you, you move on (as other’s have said) because… duh? Why does this 38 year old man not know what the rest of us find obvious?

    There is something behind these types of questions – a belief that “I must be fine, and the other person has this problem that needs to be fixed.” Like, it doesn’t even seem to occur to some people that they’re flawed too.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 2

    • The D-man Says:

      How would you suggest he change himself to fix this? The only thing I can think is to change the sexual menu. So maybe penetration is just the appetizer and not the main course, which is a blowjob. But that would require some changes by her as well.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        He shouldn’t change. He should find someone he likes. But Ialso like the idea of slipping some kegel weights in her x-mas stocking and saying “gee, how did THAT get in there????” Because that will totally work.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

  9. Ben Iyyar Says:

    My wife has given birth to four children and I am not anything special in the penis size department, but any problems with “tightness” meant that we just found other positions which “tightened” things up and made whoopy fun for both of us. If the will and love is there to find a way to make things fun, then you will find it, if not, then you won’t!

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah, in an established, loving, committed relationship, I would be a lot more open to the “try Kegels” suggestion, were it offered. Some dude I’ve been with a month who feels “meh” about me? Later, bro.

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      • Howard Says:

        That’s exactly why we stay where we are. Ego is such a stumbling block. If I know someone for only one minute and he or she offers me advice, I will stop and think about it for a minute. Sometimes I reject their musings, but only after objectively assessing it. We all have this thing in our heads that we are really great at what we are doing. It’s a good defense mechanism for self-esteem.

        The truth is that we are often mediocre at best. Things do tend to work by Normal distributions where the bulk of people live close to the mean. That mean is often but a poor reflection of what we are all capable of. It often represents the grand total of people not wanting to be bothered, or stubborn, or accepting of so much less than their true birthright.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

        • fuzzilla Says:

          The difference in my established relationship versus 1 month example is that in the latter case trust hasn’t really been established yet. I’d question the guy’s motives and suspect he was going out of his way to find problems. If we’re in it for the long haul, we’re open about pretty much everything and I’ll do most anything within reason to please him.

          I don’t have this particular problem, but I’ve talked through other minor bedroom issues with my current fellow.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  10. John Says:

    So if a guy wants his woman to not have slept with a lot of women, he is accused of slut shaming.
    If a guy wants a girl to be cleaned and shaven before going down, he is accused of hygiene shaming.
    If a guy thinks his girl is a cavern down there he is accused of anatomy shaming.
    If a guy wants a coffee date for a first date, he is accused of spending shaming.

    Is there any kind of preference a guy can have without being flamed and labeled on here? I don’t have a problem meeting women who have all of the above qualities.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 23

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      It’s not so much “shaming” one’s preferences as it is trying to understand the reason behind such preferences, which are often complicated and interesting. Some people are happy with “I want what I want and there’s nothing wrong with that” and those people are free to blunder through life like a blind squirrel who occasionally finds a nut. Other people like to look at things a little deeper. Just as someone might find that your sensitivity about the subject matter reveals something about you,

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      • LostSailor Says:

        Other people like to look at things a little deeper.

        Heh heh.

        Or one’s preferences could be uncomplicated and fairly ordinary. What John is alluding to is that frequently a man’s preferences are taken as somehow an insult to women and attacked. I could provide rational “reasons” for each of the preferences on John’s list (whether I share them or not) just as I understand the reasons for my personal preferences. Not ruminating deeply about why you like slim women with red hair who are left handed isn’t necessarily being a “blind squirrel.”

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        • Howard Says:

          I concur. When a woman says she wants a man with height or penile girth or a college degree or a professional man, she is entitled to like what she likes. A guy says he likes a tighter vagina, it all devolves into which woman on this blog can attack him the most, and trivialize his like, which in this case has a solution, unlike the demand for height or penile girth which has no solution for a man lacking thereof.

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          • RC Says:


            I think having preferences are fine, perfect actually.
            I like certain things that I cannot explain logically and I will pursue those traits.
            The issue here is that OP doesn’t like what he got – he needs to move on and not make poor girl feel inferior.
            Also, the only guys I’ve ever heard say that they don’t have a problem down there – DO. If a guy tells me he is good in bed, I can guarantee you, it’ll be a pretty bad experience. People who are good in bed and confident, don’t advertise.

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  11. John Says:

    Why do you need to understand the rationale behind ones preferences? Who the heck cares what the reasoning is? These things aren’t out of the ordinary. That’s why its so easy to find. Maybe in your case its no so easy to find. And that’s why you need to understand the meaning.
    I have been meaning to ask you this a long time DMN- but do you pee sitting down? Because you really are such a Mary.

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  12. Grizzly Says:

    Yeah. Maybe I should stop wearing deodorant and not shower, lets see how the chicks would like that. Would a woman be able to manage giving me a bj if I smelled of stale urine and unwiped feces down there all the time? I doubt it.

    I’m about 100 times more hirsute than the average male (hence my screen name). I take extra care to groom and wash myself “down there” because it can get really nasty if I don’t. If I go to that trouble to make it easier for my chicks than its perfectly reasonable for Princess Charming to clean up before I venture into the peat bog. Its called reciprocity.

    Vaginas stink. They stink really really really bad and they taste godawful. I don’t think women realize just how bad vaginas stink. This is a fact of life. In fact, all humans, male and female, stink really bad. This is why we take showers and why there is a multi-billion dollar industry devoted entirely to eliminating and covering up body odors.

    If the sex isn’t working out, he should find a different woman. Just tell her it isn’t working out and it leave it at that. Its only been a month. It would work out better for both of them to break it off and get it over with, instead of letting unsatisfying sex ruin things for an extended period of time. He should get an Asian girl. I almost exclusively date Asian women because they are really tiny, they look anywhere from 5-10 years younger than they really are, and are super-duper tight. They’re almost never fat, and the fact that they’re so tight is an added plus for guys like me who are XXL in the genital department.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Vaginas stink. They stink really really really bad and they taste godawful. I don’t think women realize just how bad vaginas stink.

      Uh, dude… You might want to look into a better class of “vagina.” I’ve been acquainted with quite a few (not to mention the lovely women their accessorized with who had fairly normal hygienic routines) and I’ve not encounter the stench-fest you describe.

      Hey, we’re all different. My urine changes odor after eating asparagus (yes, that’s a real thing, though only 25% of the population has the gene that can detect the different smell).

      But, still, dude…

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  13. Nicole Says:

    Ok, since many of the men here seem to be on board with the idea that a girl can be so loose it makes sex unsatisfying, I’m going to try offering the OP some practical advice.

    Buy the girl some kegel weights or balls for Valentines Day. (Not as the only gift.) Present this as a super fun sex toy, NOT a way for her to tighten up. Tell her you read they are fun to use and can improve women’s orgasms. Say you think the idea of her using them is the hottest thing ever. Or hell, say you wanted to try sex toys with her but you didn’t know what she’d like so you bought these. Then treat them like sex toys – don’t just tell her to use them every day, make it a fun part of sexy time.

    I can’t speak for whether this will help – never tried them, and honestly some of them are so large they seem more for stretching than tightening. But this is the only way I can think of to suggest it.

    Besides, I want to read a “help! my new boyfriend is great but he has a kegel ball fetish!” letter next month ;)

    Also, there are apparently kegels for men now. Things you learn when you’re bored and snowed in…

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    • LostSailor Says:

      While I don’t recall ever encountering a “loose” vagina, kegels are a real thing. And it makes sense. The vagina is essentially a muscle and any muscle can be exercised.

      And yes, there is a version of exercise for men, too, but for a different purpose. The idea is that by exercising the muscle group that control, for example, urine flow, at the base of the penis, one can strengthen them such that the same muscles can be used to delay orgasm, increasing a man’s endurance during sex.

      Not that I’ve used it, but knowledge is power.

      Geez, I should start charging a consulting fee…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • Nicole Says:

        Yes, kegels are a real thing (and a good thing!) I do wonder about all of the balls and weights and such… Have never heard of a doctor recommending those, or met anyone who used them (or was willing to admit to it, lol). I guess where there’s people willing to pay, a product will appear. Wonder what kind of gizmo they will come up with for guys to use!

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  14. LostSailor Says:

    This will rehash a lot of previous comments, but here goes. I, too, have to disagree with Moxie on this one.

    Perhaps Otter is a little clueless or slightly douchey, but there are many facets to sexual compatibility and to lay into him about his “obvious” insecurities and tell him to just suck it up and be grateful anyone should sleep with his sorry ass goes way over the top.

    As for revisiting the whole “cleanliness” with regard toward oral sex, sorry, but I expect that a woman I’m dating and sleeping with–hell, I expect out of most people in general that I’m friends with–to practice certain standards of hygiene and grooming. I remember the 70s, when a lush “lady pelt” was the standard. It wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As I’ve said before, I prefer to avoid involuntary flossing during oral sex. That’s certainly not about insecurity or inadequacy, it’s about showering regularly and maybe trimming a bit. But I would appreciate a warning if you actually do have a yeast infection…

    Now, I doubt that Otto is secretly fearful that this lady–who he’s been seeing for a month and has gotten frisky with a couple of times–is a “loose” woman (see what I did there?) and he’s terribly insecure that he won’t “measure up” to those hundreds of past lovers. As others have noted, sometimes the pieces and parts just aren’t as compatible as we’d like.

    Oh, wait…You mean, sex isn’t like what we’ve seen in porn? Well, that’s disappointing.

    Since porn is a visual medium, I completely fail to “see” how porn can tell me anything about the “tightness” or “looseness” of a porn starlet’s “nether-region.” Perhaps in romance novels or erotica, which we all know men consume voraciously.

    But to join in the actual advice to Otto: no, there is no way to tell your lady that she might need to, uh, “exercise” a bit down there. Perhaps if you were in a long-term relationship where communication was very open you might risk it, but with someone you’ve only been seeing a month and have had only a couple of evenings of sack-time with, you’d be taking your life in your hands, as this is akin to an ultimate insult.

    If it ain’t working for you and it’s that important to you, move on…

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  15. George Says:

    You’re probably so small that’s why she doesn’t feel you. Oh you mad bro?

    Then don’t ever tell her she’s not tight enough. Move on if you can’t deal with it.

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  16. Valery North Says:

    Well, I saw a pretty big leap from “believes her vagina is loose” to “believes she has slept with lots of men”. There was nothing in the OP to suggest the writer held any such belief, that was pure supposition on which the rest of the answer rests. It may be true, but there’s no evidence (only stereotyping assumptions).

    On the other hand, it is almost certainly the case that this has more to do with the questioner’s perceptions than anything based in reality.

    I’m going to suggest a different approach. Maybe the guy should measure himself properly and buy the right size condom? While most condoms will do okay for most men (within the 10th and 90th percentile, or something like that) if for some reason he’s changed his brand to something with a smaller than usual nominal width (and regular size condoms can have a range between 52mm-57mm, which is a big difference) then that may be affecting sensation (or, indeed, using something that is too big for him may lessen the sensation).

    Alternatively, maybe there is something that has nothing to do with sex (or beliefs about the other person’s past sex life) that is dragging the brain out of the optimum happyplace of sexytimes. Looking at the other stresses or challenges of life and addressing them better might be a solution.

    Finally: I don’t see PiV as the definitive event of sex, so if PiV isn’t working, there are plenty of other ways to mutually enjoy one another’s bodies. If that doesn’t appeal, then I’m going to say it doesn’t matter what they try, he’s probably not that into her anyway.

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  17. Chianti-Z Says:

    I read this yesterday and just had to comment. Is he spending the time to properly arouse her? When a woman is aroused, she becomes engorged. I dated a guy for 8 years. When he turned me on. I mean really turned me on, I was as tight as hell and yes, I have children. But when I wasn’t really in the mood, it felt loose. I could feel it

    I’m just sayin.

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  18. truu Says:

    I read this n I cant help but to think what if the female is legitly loose. Us as men wanting her to tightend it up for increased pleasure isn’t bad especially when she will benifit from it too. for her to flip out or be offended over something That can be fixed/improved is rediculous. telling a girl she’s loose do some keels is like telling someone your gaining a few extra pounds you need to exercise. Why should we catch shit for trying to improve one another

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  19. FactsAreTrueWhetherYouBelieveThemOrNot Says:

    Am I the only person who read what this guy posted and took it seriously?. If this was a women posting that she didn’t know how to tell a guy he is too small, would this have gotten the same response? But since it is a man talking about a women he clearly must be wrong because it’s impossible for there to ever be an issue with a relationship or sexual incounter that is anything but a man’s fault and the fact that a women even looks his direction he should be so lucky right?. Lol…Get the fuck out of here with that shit. The arrogance in that response is mind blowing. Did she really say “are you packing a rolling pin?” So let me get this straight unless a man is packing something so large(overly large to what women probably consider the ideal size) then for him to even bring in to question her dimensions makes him a pig or ungrateful piece of shit? lol. With that logic then only women with snare drum tight vaginas should be able to have an opinion on a mans size? The topic of penis size is more prevalent and socially accepted now than it ever has been and the general consensus is that size matters, but if you know what your doing than lack there of shouldn’t slow you down. Now if men below the desired size are suppose to not be ashamed and accept that it is a supporting factor to some women, then why is it wrong for men to view women in the same light. No one is saying that the women in question is a bad person or cannot have a good sex life, but to bash this guy for acknowledging that the sex is less than desirable and trying to find a nice or tactful way to go about it is the most hip a critical shit I have ever heard and really is a step backwards in making the sex topic a not so taboo/shameful, but comfortable/healthy subject to talk about thing. Regardless of you feel on the subject(clearly bias) it doesn’t change the fact that this guy was legit asking a question and was looking for advice. I mean he could go about it like most women lol and just deal with it until they have and fight and blurt it out in attempts to hurt the other person. Would that be a better way to go about it? I would love to know. Lol clearly you have some great insight and wisdom and your unbiased views towards men could in lighten us all. Do share :)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  20. Jacqueline Says:

    I agree that Otter’s situation is a difficult one. I have had my own insecurity about down there and talking about issues with your partner about sex is difficult in good times. I had large kids and I’m a fairly petite woman, so I was stretched out pretty bad as a result. Years ago a girl friend mentioned that I should ask my husband to wear a girth enhancer. They are really interesting very thick condoms, kind of. My husband doesn’t like them much…figures. I found another product called a Vejuve which I wear and it works great for me and my husband likes it too.

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