“I Only Date White/Slender/Tall People” And Other Problematic Dating Profile Language

Name: H.I.Hpeople_group_diverse
Comment: Hello Moxie,

I have a question about online profiles, specifically how do you outline the kind of person you would like to hear from without coming across as overly picky, entitled or insensitive?  I recently reactivated my OKCupid account and I keep reading profiles from men (the types I would like to contact) that outline pretty specific requirements about fitness, ethnicity, education ect.  While there is nothing wrong with having a preference, I admit to being a bit put off when I read “Looking for skinny, Catholic, white…” at the very top of a profile.  As a result I go out of my way NOT to include specific preferences in my profile so I don’t come across as rigid.  However, I think that not having some specs might decrease the chances of hearing from the guys I want.  I just want to know what is your opinion regarding stating preferences in a profile.  Is there a tactful way to do this?  If so, will it make a difference in who writes me?

PS:  What I find funny is a lot of guys who writing about only wanting to hear from a specific ‘type’ will still contact me despite my not living up to some of their preferences.  I will write them back if they are cute and the rest of the profile seems okay.
Age: 24
City: Houston
State: TX

 

First of all, anybody who states outright in their profile that they “only” date someone of a specific ethnicity or race should be avoided.  You should be put off by that. It’s rude and dismissive. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I used to do this when I would post ads on Craigslist. “White guys only.”  The ads would repeatedly get flagged and I was all, “Huh?” Of course, being white, I didn’t understand why reading something like that might make a person of color feel marginalized. Why would I understand that? I’m white. White Catholic people don’t exactly have much experience with feeling oppressed.

The other day I received an email from a woman inquiring about the racial diversity of our speeddating events. She mentioned the photo that accompanied the event page and asked if guests were open to dating people of various races. When choosing the photo, I gave little thought to what picture to use. I just chose the photo that, to me, seemed appropriate. The photo only contained white people. I didn’t give any thought to the message that that photo (or the photos I’ve used here) sent. But again, why would I because I’m a white girl. As progressive as I know I am, it was clear that I still had some blindspots and needed to widen my narrow world view.

If someone says in their profile they only wish to hear from someone of a specific race, the underlying message to that statement is that hearing from anybody who does not fit into that category is considered an offense. Doesn’t matter if if you’re referencing height, income, body type, etc. The message being conveyed is one of intolerance. So, if you are someone who makes such explicit declaration in your profile, you might wish to do a little introspection and ask yourself why you do that. You might learn something about yourself, something that ultimately is keeping you single. Insisting on only dating a specific type of someone absolutely hints at possibly problematic opinions and ideas that you have about people who don’t fit into one of your neat little boxes.

Now, does that mean that your preferences are problematic? Not necessarily. It’s how you express those preferences and a refusal to explore other avenues that really speaks to your intentions and beliefs. I would avoid stating in your profile text that you only prefer to hear from certain types of people. Like you, I avoid anybody who does that. Like, boo hoo, a woman who isn’t a size 4 or a guy who isn’t 6 feet tall or a person who doesn’t have the same skin color as you might message you. Oh noes!  Oh, you showed up on your date and they were heavier than their photos? How harrowing!

I think any user of a dating site needs to accept that they’re going to hear from a slew of people that they would never in a million years date. Disclaimers and stating explicit preferences really doesn’t enhance your profile, nor do they actually serve to prevent those people from contacting you. In fact, I have no doubt some people intentionally ignore those disclaimers because either they like a challenge or because they want to piss that person off.  I also believe that it’s up to each individual user of these sites to know their audience and know what they can reasonably pull. I would bet the majority of frustration that stems from online dating comes from people refusing to accept their various stations. And, yes, we all have one.

There really is no tactful way to try and ensure that your responses are more targeted to your interests. I think the only thing you can do is talk about you and what’s important to you. If you prefer someone with a certain education level, then mention your education level. If you’re more attracted to athletic or active people, describe or discuss how active you are. Populate all of the details fields with your various descriptors. Post photos that give people a clear idea of your personality and lifestyle.   Someone reasonably self-aware will be able to read between the lines. And, yes, some people lacking self-awareness will contact you. Just employ any of the message filtering options that certain sites offer. If they don’t offer that service, then get really, really comfortable with the delete and block buttons.

 

 

 

 

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54 Responses to ““I Only Date White/Slender/Tall People” And Other Problematic Dating Profile Language”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    I would never in a million years say that I preferred a certain race in my profile. Certain preferences are less problematic (say, hairy chest, tall, weakness for redheads, etc.), but it might turn off someone who doesn’t fit those criteria who might be a great match for you, so why do it?

    As far as targeting who you want, it’s always best to frame things in terms of positives. If you’re a big sports fan, maybe a picture of you at Soldier Field or the United Center. If you’re a sci-fi nerd, a picture of you with Patrick Stewart at a convention – that kind of thing. Give like-minded people something to grok onto.

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  2. Nicole Says:

    I agree that posting any kind of a preference is more likely to hurt than help. I’m blonde and I have gotten messages from guys whose profiles talk about how they have a thing for redheads… Nope. Next. I don’t want to go into a first date already knowing I’m not really what you wanted.

    I’m not sure why people do this… It’s not that hard to just wink/rate/message the people you find attractive. Or to delete the responses from folks you’re not interested in. I ignore 90-95% of the messages I get online, but that’s online dating.

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  3. G Says:

    You may think you have hard and fast preferences, but when you meet someone and you click, those preferences go out the window. I used to think I could NEVER date a guy with a lot of body hair. Ick. Guess who I ended up with – a super hairy dude. Shockingly, not only does it NOT bother me, I actually love it. Superficial preferences like height, etc. are always negotiable, if you’re willing to negotiate with yourself.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Yup, I can relate. Not to the super-hairy part, but that, in both serious relationships that I’ve had since divorce, both of these men would not have made my checklist. (Between the two of them, the issues were – no formal college education, too skinny, too feminine, too far from where I live, ex/kids situation too messy.) Except I sensed a connection and decided to give them a chance. Even though neither relationship worked out in the long run, we had good moments; I got great memories, and at least one (as of right now) good friend out of the experience, and do not regret giving each of these men a try.

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  4. LostSailor Says:

    Moxie is spot-on. I never contact women whose profile lists any “specific” requirements like this. The OP is exactly right to go out of her way to not do this; her next thought that not having such a list is decreasing her chances is just wrong. When I see a woman who has a list of specific preferences in men (so tall, certain race, etc.) I assume they are judgmental people who are hyper-focused on superficial characteristics to the point that they’ll air them in public. I’m pretty sure I won’t click with them.

    I’m amazed, slightly, that people doing online dating don’t get this. Online dating is marketing people! Not to be crass with the analogy, but if you’re marketing a product (unless it’s cars or financial products–I guess the analogy doesn’t go that far, but bear with me, I do have a point), you don’t usually include a list of things to exclude your customers. It’s a turn-off.

    I can understand that some women, and perhaps some men, who get a lot of messages don’t want to deal with people they’re really not interested in, but that’s just a part of online dating. If someone hits one of the negative points on the checklist, just don’t reply.

    And the OP recognizes this when she writes What I find funny is a lot of guys who writing about only wanting to hear from a specific ‘type’ will still contact me despite my not living up to some of their preferences. I will write them back if they are cute and the rest of the profile seems okay.

    See? People will respond even if they’ve violated the checklist if they’re “cute” and otherwise seem okay. Posting checklists doesn’t work.

    Craft a good profile that doesn’t focus on what you want, except in general terms, and instead focuses on what you offer that your prospective market actually finds attractive. That’s successful marketing…

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      “See? People will respond even if they’ve violated the checklist if they’re “cute” and otherwise seem okay. Posting checklists doesn’t work.”

      They respond because they probably aren’t getting many hits. I ignore people like this now–I’ve given them a chance in the past and these were the WORST of the worst first dates.

      Online dating is about reading the metalanguage, and stating your “requirements” (really?) like that says you’re self-entitled and probably not ready for a healthy relationship.

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    • Goldie Says:

      “When I see a woman who has a list of specific preferences in men (so tall, certain race, etc.) I assume they are judgmental people who are hyper-focused on superficial characteristics to the point that they’ll air them in public. I’m pretty sure I won’t click with them. ”

      I’ve had many of my guy friends make the same comment. Oh, and the one where women have a list of who they do NOT want to date in their profiles? According to my guy friends, major turnoff. It comes across to them as being accused and yelled at by a woman they haven’t even messaged yet. So they skip to whatever the next profile is as quickly as they can.

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    • AC Says:

      “I’m amazed, slightly, that people doing online dating don’t get this.”

      There’s always going to be a percentage of the population that doesn’t “get it” so to speak. That’s why this is aloud to continue.

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  5. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I don’t understand the point of declaring specific preferences. Doing so would turn off a lot of people, and it doesn’t draw those ideals out of the woodwork. Does anyone believe that a tall blond lawyer would read a profile asking for a tall blond lawyer and think, “I wasn’t going to email her, but I suddenly want to now because she says she’s looking for someone like me.”

    This is a conversation that people like to get wrapped up in even though it has nothing to do with reality. Who cares if my dream ideal man is 6’2″ and has dark hair? Most of the men I’ve been with are shorter and have light hair. People who are ready to date like adults are usually pretty good at setting their fantasies aside. And if they’re not…well they’re not adults.

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  6. noquay Says:

    As a mixed race older chick I say Amen Moxie. Yep, we all have our preferences; some are shallow attributes, some are things that never worked for you in the past and probably won’t now. Describing yourself to the fullest via a well written profile and pictures that show you doing stuff in real life is key. I had photos of me running a mountain marathon, burro racing, dressed to the nines, in full traditional regalia. I make it clear I am very active, love animals, read extensively, grow my own food. No matter how clear one is, even the listers, you will get messages from folk all over the map, most of whom are not even remotely suitable. No contact or a polite “no thanks” go a long way.

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      Exactly, let them figure it out for themselves. And could someone please explain to me how people with severe cat allergies somehow miss the photo of my cats? It’s my way of warning them. Much nicer than writing in my profile that I won’t date anyone who is severely allergic to cats!

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      • Eliza Says:

        Good point…I am going to take a photo of me and my super furry Persian cat! Whomever responds to my ad–must be a cat lover, or at least be able to tolerate the dander. She is there to stay…we are a package deal. :)

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  7. Anna Says:

    Match allows you to choose a number of different “races”/ethnicities. I often see men choosing white, Latina and Asian and excluding African descent. You can also choose “no preference.”

    I am a white woman and always pass on those guys. This seems to me a clear indicator of racist attitudes. No thank you.

    By the way race is a completely social construct. There is no way to genetically determine what “race” a person is. And, we are all of African descent.

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  8. BostonRobin Says:

    I call this attitude the “Pizza Ordering School of Online Dating.” We probably all slip into it at some point. The sites set you up to think like this, after all. They constantly bombard you with lists of “matches,” which creates the illusion that there is an endless supply of people with everything you want–just check the boxes!

    The house always wins–if you keep playing. These sites want you to stay there, never leave, just like in the casinos. They will lure you in with “better” and “shinier.” Once you figure this out, you’ll be better equipped to date like a human adult.

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  9. D Says:

    In on the fence… I’ve had people ask me out and I could tell their intent was to find out what it’s like to bang a black chick. It almost seems that if they had their preferences listed I wouldn’t have bothered. But on the other hand, people like that probably don’t have preferences and will bang whomever comes along. I used to put on my profile that I usually date white men because I got a million messages asking me (I even got some after putting it because they were obviously to lazy to read). I also got messages from black guys attacking me for dating white guys. I don’t know if it helps or hurts. I wish people could just message and take it as a “yes, I’m attracted” if they get a response. I think it’s so awkward to answer a direct question of whether I date outside my race or even worse, “why”. Ugh lol

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    • Nicole Says:

      Amen. The whole “do you date blah blah?” is off putting and I just ignore any message like that. I get them all the time… Do you date older men? Do you date younger men? Do you date black men? Do you date Asian men?

      And the answer is, sure, if the particular guy in question seemed like someone fun and attractive. But by starting your message with that question (or worse, that’s the whole message) you have moved yourself from possibly fun and attractive to definitely weird and lacking in social skills. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just say hi and see if I replied???

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      • D Says:

        Exactly. When the first thing you notice about me is my race, it makes you seem like you have a creepy fetish. I had to ensure a line of questioning about whether I date older men, how old was the oldest man I’ve dated, etc. before I stopped responding. I realized the questions weren’t leading anywhere I wanted to go. It sounded like he was looking for someone with daddy issues lol

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        • C Says:

          I feel the same way about guys who look for women of a specific age. I have on occassion dated men in the 45-48 age range. However, if the 45-48 year old guy refuses to date women his own age and only lists his desired age group as my age or younger, forget it! If a guy wont date “an equal”, I’m not interested.

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      I’d like to add to that something which has come up elsewhere in discussions on this site: transgender people online. Yes, it would be “nice” to know in advance, but we have to remember that a LOT of people fetishize them. I have some good friends who are transgender, and they have a terrible time trying to figure out when to mention it. If they mention it in their profile, they get bombarded with either hate mail or freak mail. If they wait till they get to know the person, they are accused of “hiding an important piece of information.”

      Really, we ALL have something that may be a deal breaker for someone. How about looking at someone’s total package instead of zeroing in on flaws? It’s fine to have preferences and to know what you want, but be aware that listing them in your profile says more about you than you might like. Much more effective to take your chances in the discovery process of dating.

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  10. Howard Says:

    Dating is hard work, so some people think they can lessen that work by using this type of language to quickly eliminate the people that don’t match up well with their desires.

    It’s understandable, but it just always backfire. All the reasons Moxie give apply but there is a fundamental reason for it backfiring. This type of language does eliminate some undesirable people, but unfortunately it tends to also eliminate a lot of the people that one finds desirable.

    People like to imagine that they are each a special snowflake. We indeed have our differences, but there is much consensus on who we find desirable. There is a great likelihood that someone’s desirable man or woman, is also desirable to other people. These men or women with choices tend to pick people who don’t seem as demanding or filled with baggage.

    Now everybody hits a dry spell from time to time. When that happens, then they will consider a profile with the disclaimers and demands. Lets look at men when this happens. A man plays the numbers game, and send out a lot of initial messages. He is hoping that a fine easy-going woman bites, but if the fine woman, with lots of demands, bites, then he works the options that he has been given, until his luck improves. Luckily for most women, their better self will sometimes shine through the defense mechanisms in time, to keep him in play.

    Let’s look at what happens when women hit dry spells. Women like good-looking confident successful men so much, that they will suspend their better judgement at times, especially in dry spells, and give one of these guys with the stupid language, a chance, hoping his better self shows through. Sometimes these women get lucky, but often the uglier side shows up.

    This language is sometimes an indication of selfishness and/or self-centered attitudes, not just a defense mechanism. And people are aware of that, so they know they are rolling the dice when they let one of these people in.

    My advice to people is to resist the temptation to scold the opposite sex before you even meet the person. Stay on the side of light, love and joy. Your profile should exude those qualities. Just ignore the undesirable when they message you. Yes, sometimes you may even kiss a frog or two, but you better get up to speed really fast on recognizing those frogs. No strong language is going to get a frog to ignore you if he or she thinks you are hot. In fact, all your warnings to them, will merely be used to play you. You are giving them the ammunition to shoot you.

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    • C Says:

      I really like your insight but would disagree with one point. When women hit a dry spell, unless its a very long dry spell, I believe women will generally prefer to wait until their odds improve over dating down. I believe this is where you get the stories about the very attractive woman who hasnt had sex in a year. Obviously, this isnt true for everyone. Some women dislike being alone to bounce from relationship to relationship, but I think this is less common.

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      • Howard Says:

        You are right. Women prefer to not date down. They however, don’t see the good-looking successful guy with demands in his profile as dating down. It’s more of a “let’s see.”

        When it comes to dating down for women, it’s about a guy being shorter or average looking or not as successful or wrong social class. For a guy, dating down, primarily means looks and social class.

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        • C Says:

          You got me there. Women dont usually see dating a “jerk” as “dating down” if looks and achievement are up to par.

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  11. D. Says:

    I used to have list of three dealbreakers in my profile. It never really helped, and I’ll bet it probably hurt me…but I’ll never know because the people it hurt me with probably just never contacted/responded to me. That’s the problem with lists like these: you rule out people who might otherwise make you happy, and they may just skip right past you.

    Moreover, they’re totally unnecessary. You’ll be selective no matter what. It’s not like your preferences disappear altogether if you don’t post them, nor is it as if you’re obligated to give anyone an explanation as to why you aren’t interested or aren’t responding to their email. So, really, what’s the point in posting them if you’ll end up filtering out for the things you don’t want anyway?

    Lastly, Moxie is DEAD ON about the attitude involved in posting a list like this. Actively choosing to post something like this belies a narrow-minded laser-like focus on some goal, and probably suggests a person who is trying too hard to control the outcomes in their dating life. How do I know this? Because I WAS that person.

    When I deleted the dealbreakers list, I did so because I realized (a) it wasn’t actually helping anything, (b) I didn’t need it since I’d weed people out anyway, (c) my time was not SO PRECIOUS that I couldn’t spend an hour or so with someone where it might not possibly work out, and (d) I trusted myself to suss out those people who’d waste my time.

    More importantly, I adopted a more open-minded, go-with-the-flow attitude towards dating, which in turn made me a lot more relaxed and positive on dates. If you aren’t in that headspace, and are instead in some kind of defensive posture where your initial assumption is “I have to make sure my time doesn’t get wasted,” then you’re a lot less likely to find someone that you’ll really click with.

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    • Howard Says:

      The key, was trusting yourself to sussing out people. That makes you attractive. People see individuals with the disclaimer language in their profiles, as not very confident in their social skills. We all admire confidence.

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      • D. Says:

        That was, indeed, a huge help, but the positive and open attitude helped a ton as well. It made dating more fun, made me far more resilient to not having things go the way I wanted/hoped, and made me a lot more attractive to people than when I was more “goal-oriented” about it. But all of that did translate as confidence and comfort.

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  12. C Says:

    Interesting topic! My last round of online dating, I decided that rather than broadening my net and dating everyone, I would instead try to narrow my search to the specific characteristics that I already know I like. After a dozen years of dating, I had dated so many different men (i.e. variety of ethnicities, ages, height, weight, professions, athletic abilities, etc…) that I felt that I was way past the need to experiment. I already knew what I liked.

    The intention wasnt so much to preemptively reject the people that didnt fit my preferences (I never had an issue with sending a polite “no thank you” note). The goal was more to give a guy who did fit my preferences a giant green light and the message that they already had a foot in the door.

    Like most people, I had made selections in the demographic section (i.e. age range, athleticism, marital status, etc…) I actually considered adding to my profile write up something like “bonus points if you are tall and blue eyed”, but it always felt somehow wrong. I couldnt quite put my finger on why, but it did.

    Ironically, had I met my current boyfriend online, I would have filtered him out. And I couldnt ask for a better man then him. Go figure.

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    • C Says:

      I asked a group of folks to review my online profile. One of the respondents said, “you look fine, I’m just not a fan of the tall Slavic look”. I honestly was just amused by it. Of course not everyone feels the same, but personally, I’d much rather be rejected because a guy doesnt find anyone from my ethnic group attractive then have a guy tell me “I love russian girls, just not you”.

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      • Treifalicious Says:

        There’s something to that. In a way it’s like, “Nothing personal, just racism.” This is easier to get past than “I live X women, but not you [implication being that you are inherently unattractive].” That said dating or not dating people because of their race/ethnicity is so loaded in this culture that to many people the reverse, say, “I don’t date Black women” might hurt some people more than someone who would happily date a Black woman but isn’t attracted to them personally. Weird but true.

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  13. Mandy Says:

    To be honest, I never thought about my approach to the dating sites in the past when addressing my preferences as appearing arrogant or closed minded. I figured I just knew what I liked, and what worked for me. Well, shut my mouth! I didn’t see it as being closed off because I knew I would not be interested in dating men from other ethnic backgrounds, so I thought I was saving them from wasting their time contacting me knowing they weren’t “my type”. If I ever find myself single again, I will take this advice and make sure I don’t appear a snob or worse! Thank you for the new insight!

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  14. CoolDude Says:

    I am curious thought. What about the “Jewish men only” language. Is that different?

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    • D. Says:

      Honestly, no, I think it’s about the same as any other “Please do not/only contact me if…” language. It’ll scare away more people than you necessarily mean to (likely without you realizing it), and it’s unnecessary anyway since you can just say “So, are you Jewish?” on a first date, and if the answer’s “no,” you just don’t go out again. Or, if they have it listed, look at their profile in the religion section.

      But think of it this way. Suppose someone is Jewish (or any other religion) and wants to be with someone else who is, too. They say “Jews only, please” in their profile. But what if their attitude is actually that they’d be happy with someone who was also willing to convert? Chances are, they’re scaring off at least a few people who’d consider converting but aren’t Jewish.

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    • msM. Says:

      It seems really fair to me. If you are religious and are looking to stay within that, it’s best to be clear about that, than to have to respond to someone “thank you for your REALLY nice message but I only date jewish guys…that seems unfair to waste someone’s time. Men will email you regardless of disclaimer if they are *really* interested or just like the pictures.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      It depends. The key question is whether, by including a statement of your preference, you would potentially offend a person in whom you would otherwise be interested because you come across as negative or superficial etc.

      Would a Jewish person take offense to a profile that said “Jews only?” I’m not so sure. A non-Jewish person might be offended but that shouldn’t matter if you only want to date Jewish people. It isn’t exactly the same as saying “only blondes” because being Jewish defines some people in a way that may not be as superficial. It is the same to me as a black person saying they only want to date a black person? I’m not sure whether that would be offensive to a black person. (I’m blue-ish so I can’t speak for either ethnicity).

      It’s obvious that, if you are open to dating non-Jews, you should not include such a preference. Just as you should not say “bonus points for blue eyes” unless you will only date blue eyed people. It is pointless and obscenely condescending to say “maybe you”ll meet the love of your life who isn’t Jewish?” I am quite sure a sentient being can figure that out for themselves.

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    • Nicole Says:

      I think there are better ways to say it than “Jewish men only”… I live in the Bible Belt and I see tons of profiles that list God as one of “things I can’t do without”, or mention lots of church related activities. And as a not particularly religious person, I don’t find any of that offensive, I just don’t message or reply to those guys, knowing we wouldn’t be a good match. Someone who only wants to date Jewish men could simply say “my Jewish faith and heritage are important in my life” instead of making a big disclaimer. Sure, she’d still get messages from non-Jews, but let’s face it, lots of guys don’t even read the profiles and no disclaimer is going to help with that.

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      • Goldie Says:

        Yup, I would like to nod in agreement and use this opportunity to thank the men who put “God is very important to me” on their profile. They are making it known up front, without insulting anybody in the process (“I cannot live without God” = good, “Heathens need not respond” = bad.)

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    • Goldie Says:

      I’m 3/4 Jewish by heritage and I wouldn’t put that on my profile in a million years. To me, it’s not all that far removed from “No Jews”. If you are that religious, say it in your profile or in your questions. Not to mention that it is possible to convert to Judaism. Otherwise, “Jewish men only” sounds ambiguous, and unclear whether it’s referring to the men’s religion or ethnicity.

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  15. Eliza Says:

    Profiles with disclaimers in general – come across very negative…and also “cliche”. When I see profiles that stated – “IF you are a player” or “Not looking for Gold diggers”, or “IF you are a serial dater, please bypass my profile”. A profile should be positive, and list specific interests you DO enjoy rather than mention the cliches you are looking to avoid. Keep it light, positive with a nice tone. The so-called “players, serial daters or gold diggers” may still reach out to you–since they may not even read what you write–and merely look at your photos.

    I especially cringe when I read cliches, such as “what you see if what you get”…or “don’t hate the player, hate the game”…it’s just very tired, stale and immature. Cliches are quite mundane…and speak volumes of the writer.

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  16. Craig Says:

    As a man of mixed ethnicity, I always struggled with those female profiles that said they date this or that only. Where did I fit into that? Does it mean she’d only date half of me? It used to upset me. But then I realized I appreciated such profiles. Why? Because one, I knew where I stood with them and thus wouldn’t waste my time. Two, A person who thinks like that isn’t someone I want to be with anyway.

    So I say to those who list what they want or don’t want: thank you and keep doing what you’re doing. Continue to make dating harder for yourself by excluding millions of people as possibilities for you. It’s probably for the best that you don’t reproduce anyway.

    The irony is had I stuck to my own exclusions, I never would have met my wife. Often the very thing we are looking for is the one thing we refuse to see. And that’s why we fail.

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  17. Kurt Says:

    I suppose that the real problem with listing all of the criteria that one doesn’t want is that the person may seem to be overly negative.

    However, most people I know would never date member of certain races – anyone who is offended by this fact is unrealistic, as we all have prejudices.

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    • D Says:

      That’s kind of a sad comment. I wouldn’t turn down someone who was perfect except they were “of a certain race” and feel sorry for anyone who does.

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      • Kurt Says:

        Most people are like this to a certain extent. I know whites, Hispanics, and Asians who will date someone of any race as they as that person isn’t black.

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        • Speed Says:

          Yeah, yet your Aryan Nations Freak Flag fly, bro! It’s a free country, after all.

          Sure, there are still plenty of bigot trolls like you in the country, but on the other hand the rates of interracial/intercultural/international or interfaith marriages has never been higher. Or even gay marriage, for that matter.

          So don’t mistake your narrow-minded buddies as “representative of the country” because they’re not.

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          • Kurt Says:

            Don’t hate the messenger. I am just telling you what I have observed myself, although your head is buried so far in the sand that obviously don’t want to hear it.

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          • Goldie Says:

            Um Kurt, it might be time for you to get new friends. The people “who will date someone of any race as they as that person isn’t black” are really very few and far between, and most of us, although we too run into them in our lives, manage to avoid them with little effort. I had a guy friend like that. He was giving me dating advice after my divorce and suddenly said that it was important “not to sleep with a black guy, because no white guy will want you after that”. I stare at him and he says, “There, there, don’t you worry, there are plenty of white guys that are hung too”. No longer my friend. He and I just, oops, lost touch and haven’t seen each other since that night, my bad.

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          • Zaire Says:

            Kurt, what you ‘observed’ or what you believe? I don’t comment here very often but I read avidly and I have seen your comments regarding race you have said here (and at another blog) that you would only date outside your race if the woman was more atractive than your normal pull. You have also said that no guy you know (yourself included) would ever date a black chick, looks irrelevant.

            Personally, I’m of Craig’s opinion that this is all fine and good. Although it’s a negative way to look at the world it does me a solid to know who and what I’m dealing with. However, there is no need to deflect these thoughts onto people you know and your observations. You are not a “messenger” but an active paticipant based on previous comments.

            I disagree with Speed wrt race relations however. True, things are looking up and racial stigmas are falling as time goes on but many people still harbor racist sentiments. The ones with sense keep it to themselves to avoid conflict and looking a fool. The more clueless blurt it out and defend it under the guise of “honesty”.

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        • Speed Says:

          “What I have observed,” or “people I know..” And “you are the “messenger”

          WTF?

          This is what you base your cutting-edge analysis of American race relations on?

          Geez, MIT must be missing a statistician.

          But, Mr. Klansman, here’s an easy Wikipedia stat: 5.6% of the entire USA population under the age of 18 is multiracial, and the rate of increase is growing. That is over 9 million people.

          Obama is the result of mixed marriage, as is (on the more humorous end), North West (Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s kid).

          Now, black girls not for you and your buddies? Darn! Beyonce and Halle Berry’s loss, I guess.

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  18. PGH Gal Says:

    I agree with you on all of this. I also respect that you recognize your complete lack of awareness in certain areas, specifically related to race and inclusiveness. Very cool.

    On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also avoid men who go out of their way to tell me “I’ve always wanted to date a black girl” or “I’ve never been with a black woman.” Dude, what do you think is going to happen? Am I supposed to break out into Alvin Ailey style dance mid-coitus? Sing ol’ spirituals during orgasm? I’m just browner than other chicks you’ve been with. I don’t want to be your exotic fantasy or “bucket list” item. Get the eff outta here with that.

    But I also just had a deeper thought…it’s totally different to say “I’m open to all races” because I still get that question from men. A lot. I think that is ok and doesn’t make anyone feel alienated or exoticized.

    I’ll shut up now :)

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  19. Rugbychix Says:

    I totally understand specifying a race or religion in posts.

    But I call bullshit otherwise. I am 5’10” and very athletic. I never regret saying in my profile that I don’t want to date guys shorter than me. I have been on dates with guys shorter than me and they come in two flavors:

    1. Guys who are into women bigger than men, almost always part of some sort of sexual fetish.

    2. Guys who believe because I am not exactly a 10 that I am pretty much DTF with whoever shows interest. Or worse, this happened before I had gotten some additional game, that I would be their sugar mom lol.

    As soon as I added some caveats (height/healthy living) I stopped getting messages from these type of guys. As someone who can only date for 3 months a year this greatly increased the number of dates I went on with people who I actually had a physical attraction to and vice versa. Each dating since then I have had a slightly longer relationship…so I think my approach is pretty good.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Um, I am 5’9″ and I’ve been on dates with a handful of men shorter than me, whose profiles all (with the exception of one cool, confident shorter guy) said 5’9″ or 5’10”. What I’m trying to say here is two things: 1) not all shorter guys are as bad as you describe, and 2) if someone decides he wants to slip past your filters, he will.

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  20. Rugbychix Says:

    That’s fine for you. But I haven’t had a similar experience with shorter guys. Possibly it’s because you are petite and tall or soft and tall. But when you are athletic and tall it is emasculating to most short men. So only guys “into that” approach me if they are short. I live in a major city

    As for the slipping past filters…i have no idea, without faking pictures, how someone who is short slips by. I live in a major city and could go on multiple dates a week, all year around with only people of the same height or taller. This is the average male height in my age demographic anyway. So even if short guys are nice…what’s the point? I am not attracted to short guys and have no shortage of men whose height>= my height.

    Oh yeah…plus there just as many tall guys tired of 5’3″ girls as there are 5’10” ladies tired of 5’6″ guys. I know, my last two dating cycles I have found them and every involved was fine on a physical attraction level. Not moving from lust to love is a different set of issues and is pretty hit or miss. There’s no filtering for that :)

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      Where are you getting your info? I’m 6’3 so the sweet spot for height for me in 5′ to 6’3. I just don’t care. Do I wasn’t a girl taller than me? I don’t know. It just doesn’t come up much. Done 6’1. Loved it. Done 5′. Loved that too

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  21. Lisa Says:

    I am a woman of color who has had profiles on ethnic-specific and multi-ethnic sites. And I do specify the ethnic background I want. I don’t feel marginalized when I see someone else do it…nor do I feel I have marginalized anyone when I do it. I just don’t believe in wasting anyone’s time.

    I normally don’t initiate contact w/ men so I would like to be able to filter a little bt. I also type out the geographic region and age range.

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