Is It a Bad Sign That He Won’t Have Sex With Her?

Name: Sallybless
Comment: I finally met this man that I had been talking to online for about 5 years. He had been asking me to come visit him since then. I’ve been here a week already and he hasn’t tried to make any moves. I’ve actually been the one to get dressed up for Valentine’s Day dinner and other occasions, worn some sexy pjs and lingerie but he doesn’t seem to care. He gave me my own bedroom to sleep in and when he sits down to watch tv he sits far away. All this time we had been talking online and on the phone he seemed like a very sexual person. So I’m finally here visiting him and some of the things he talked about we haven’t even done.  And it’s not that I came here with the intention of having sex all the time but at least I thought we would have some fun. The funny thing is that he’s not even the type of man I would normally date but there’s just something about him though that just turns me on a lot. He’s a very nice guy I’ll give him that. He complimented me several times and told me how sexy I am. Even bought me roses and a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day but those have been the only romantic gestures. Anyway, I feel frustrated and a little bit rejected at this point and just want to go home. Why would he want me to come thousands of miles away just so I could sit on the couch watching tv with him? Doesn’t make sense. By the way, I have about 5 more days left here before I go home. Thinking of booking a hotel room the night before I leave.
Age: 35
City: Las Vegas
State: Nevada

My guess is that he met you and wasn’t attracted to you. I would think that would be the common sense explanation to this. That or he has some other issues that make it difficult for him to relate to people in a productive way. That would explain why he engaged in this for five years. Which, for future reference, should be regarded as a red flag. People who are well-adjusted with decent social skills just don’t do this sort of thing.  They don’t have to.  It’s also never wise to schedule an extended stay at someone’s home or apartment when you have never met them. You have no idea if you’ll connect or get along and, as you’ve learned, could make the time together awkward.

 

Thoughts?

 

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46 Responses to “Is It a Bad Sign That He Won’t Have Sex With Her?”

  1. Nicole Says:

    I really doubt the problem is that he doesn’t find her attractive. Unless she’s 100 lbs heavier than he expected, or something else equally shocking, he’d still sleep with her. I mean, she’s right there, ready and willing, I think most men would go for it even if for whatever reason she’s not their absolute ideal.

    It’s possible he’s super awkward and shy. Or inexperienced and unsure of how to get started. Or so socially awkward that he’s missing all the signals she’s sending him. But after a week, those explanations don’t seem as likely.

    My guess is either he’s not that sexual or he has some kind of sexual dysfunction he doesn’t want to bring up. Or maybe he just gets off on anonymous online sexy chat and prefers it to the real thing.

    But Sally, the real question is why on earth were you chatting with someone online for FIVE YEARS??? I’m assuming (because otherwise my brain will explode) that this was kind of a fun diversion while you continued to date other people in real life. I think it might be time to face the fact that the online stuff was great but this guy is either not capable or not interested in a real offline sexual relationship.

    If you’re enjoying the visit despite its platonic nature, I guess stay and have fun. Personally, I’d pack my stuff, thank my lucky stars he didn’t turn out to be a serial killer, and head home.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 41 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **I’m assuming (because otherwise my brain will explode) that this was kind of a fun diversion while you continued to date other people in real life.**

      Maybe they hang out in the same discussion forum or blogging website, going there for general social/connecting/conversation reasons and then started private messaging (I’m with with Nicole on the “I’m wondering/guessing this so my brain doesn’t explode” tip).

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      • C Says:

        Exactly, LW didnt say she was chatting with this guy on OkCupid for 5 years. Ive belonged to a message board intermittently and had men suggest we meet once they became familiar with me. I never went, but had considered it. Those guys sounded fun. Why not try?

        I actually know of a number of couples who met on message boards including one coworker who met her husband of a decade on a message board for some chronic medical condition. She is a totally normal newly divorced IT Manager with perfectly normal social skill. Its unconventional but hardly pathological.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

        • Goldie Says:

          My money is on the message-board friend thing too. I have a friend that I met on a message board in 2000, that I met in person for the first time in my life in 2013. (We found out we were both in NYC on the same week, so met for lunch.) It was strictly a friendship, not sexual or romantic in any capacity. We were both married when we first met online, and were both in relationships when we met in person. It’s totally normal. My guess is, these two were platonic friends all along, but they had different expectations about this visit, that they somehow never managed to communicate to each other.

          “He complimented me several times and told me how sexy I am. Even bought me roses and a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day”

          He was being nice, polite, and a good host. At least that’s his understanding of what a good host should do – compliment the guest, buy the guest roses on V-Day, give the guest a guest bedroom. He’d probably be shocked and confused to find out that he’s doing something wrong.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Yeah, if they met in a place (albeit virtual) where they hang out and engage with other people anyway, it really doesn’t seem that weird to talk for five years. It’s like the online equivalent of running in the same social circles, “knowing” someone for years in the sense that you run into them at parties, etc.

            If that were the case, then yeah, some more information about the nature and context of their relationship and how/whether expectations were communicated would be helpful. Since that isn’t in the letter, that’s why everyone thinks the whole thing sounds “off.” The results she got on her visit certainly points to something being “off.” Did he express sexual interest in his messages and change his mind once she got there, or did he never actually express interest in the first place and she just assumed it was there and that that’s what her visit was for? Just because someone is “a sexual person” doesn’t mean they’re interested in/want to have sex with *you* in particular.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          • Tinker Says:

            The message board thing makes some sense! But she said she got the impression he was very sexual from his messages and phone calls,and that they hadn’t done any of the (sexual) things they talked about during her trip so far so I assume they weren’t thinking this was just a platonic meetup.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

          • C Says:

            I’m not sure a man would repeatedly invite a woman to “come visit him” with the expectation that she would just be his platonic buddy…especially when you throw in some pre-visit sexy talk, comments about her being “sexy” and giving her flowers on valentines day. Those are some pretty mixed signals.

            I’m thinking Moxie is right. Something about the situation makes this guy very uncomfortable. I suppose anything could be spooking him but the most likely culprit is the LW.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • Goldie Says:

            While I get the idea of a, um, sex trip, where one goes to visit their opposite-sex friend, stays with them, saves on the hotel, gets to hang out with their friend and see the new city, and oh by the way things also happen in the bedroom, I’ve never heard of anyone commit to that with someone they’ve never seen in person. What if there’s absolutely zero chemistry? I’m guessing he either said to come visit him and didn’t really mean it; or he said to come visit, thinking that, if they both liked each other, they could get physical too. And then when he saw her, he realized he didn’t really like her in that way.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • Eliza Says:

      OMG!5 years???! It truly amazes me what people do or will put up with? And the OP is not in her late teens or early 20’s to be this doe-eyed either! I would also suggest having a contingency plan, if you are travelling so far to meet someone for the very first time? This person can be off in many ways…why on earth would any stable woman (or person for that matter) – stay in a virtual stranger’s home????! Anyone else see the oddity in that? Forget his lack of sexual interest. That’s just so odd. Message board? for 5 years…who actually has the time or interest to have such a “virtual” relationship?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  2. Tinker Says:

    Flare up?

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  3. HammersAndNails Says:

    I vote for erectile dysfunction or something. Agreed that if a girl showed up looking much worse than I expected but was ready and willing for two weeks and I’m stuck with her, there is no way I’d not have sex with her.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

  4. C Says:

    I’m going to second the flare up vote. Either that or his viagra perscription ran out. My guess is that it isnt social disfunction or he wouldnt have repeatedly invited the LW to his home. But who knows?! The entire scenario is so weird!

    Personally, I’d thank him for his hospitality and get the hell out of there. Change your flight, get a cheap hotel, whatever… My guess is that having you there is even more uncomfortable for him then for you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    • Lamont Cranston Says:

      I’ve been in the precise situation the LW describes. He showed up, saw her, and wasn’t attracted. She should bail. She’s wasting her time.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  5. LostSailor Says:

    Five years? Five years of chatting online before meeting?? And he’s a very nice guy?

    Dude has issues. Perhaps a flare up, but I doubt it. I also doubt ED, unless he’s really significantly older than Sally is.

    My bet is Moxie’s first thought that he realized he just wasn’t attracted to her when they actually met. Yes, many guys would probably still jump her bones, but if there really are social skill problems or he’s simply too much of a “nice guy” he might not. Especially if he’s really more interested in just friendship. Flowers and a box of chocolates on VD is kind of weak sauce. The nice compliments are just social grease.

    He might have enjoyed the long-distance flirting, but really isn’t interested in anything more than friendship. So Sally’s choices are to leave and potentially blow up the friendship (if she’s really expecting a more sexual relationship and doesn’t want just friendship, this is an option) or simply enjoy the time together and forget about the sex.

    I agree it seems rather weird that it was a five year long-distance “relationship” and she was expecting more frisky time. Of course, the other option is to force the issue and for Sally to jump his bones. Might not end well, but at least she’ll know for sure…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  6. G Says:

    I feel like the key to it all is the 5 year online relationship. I know we all want to believe someone would find us so amazing that without even meeting us, they would move heaven and earth to be with us instead of settling for someone who just happens to be there… but is that realistic?

    Sometimes it’s easier to be more forthcoming when not looking someone in the eye. People speak their mind online and even by phone because it’s more impersonal.
    I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like you OP. I think that a guy who carries on a 5 year relationship online just isn’t getting any other options. I’m guessing he doesn’t meet or date any other women for real and now that you are infront of him, he has no idea what to do. It’s weird, I even have friends like this, they develop huge crushes on girls, yet when they are right infront of them, they go all shy and quiet and won’t make a move to save their life… for fear of “ruining it”.

    If a guy is actively dating and in demand he won’t need to carry on 5 year online relationships. He’ll be out there meeting, dating and settling down with women he meets for real. But some guys have zero options.

    I would say he probably wants you to make the moves, but even at that, I’m guessing he won’t really know what to do… you might have to take the lead if you want it to happen.

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  7. Damien Says:

    Why assume that there is a problem with the guy only? His behavior seems odd, but so does the OP’s behavior.

    It takes two to get into a situation like this. People enter into such out-of-the-ordinary relationship situations because there is something that they both have in common that connected them to this point. Whatever that is, I think they are both inclined to these awkward situations. It will unwind uneventfully, and I am sure this will not be the last of such experiences for both of them.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

  8. Howard Says:

    Sally, he definitely has some issues. But guess what? So do you. In a twisted way, you both deserve each other. All I really needed to read was the first sentence. Five years, are you f#$%ing kidding me? Truth indeed has to be stranger than fiction.

    Time to stop this coy balooney right now. I don’t care what you think your role as a woman should be. Be as blunt and as honest as you can be with this man. If you expected sex, say you expected sex. I really pull my hair out, about how docile some women can be, after all the struggles for equality. If it were a business situation, you would shoot straight. But no, it’s the dating game, so here we go: five years, thousands of miles and a week at his place with this coy game, I am really scratching my head.

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  9. D. Says:

    You can spin your wheels for days on end as to why he’s not making a move himself, and people here have already basically covered the most likely reasons. But at this point, you basically have two options:

    1. Make a move yourself.

    or

    2. Go back home.

    Personally, I vote for #2, followed by a period of serious introspection where you dig into why you would willingly put yourself in a situation where you spend FIVE YEARS engaging in an internet fantasy with a stranger. This seems like more trouble than it’s worth.

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  10. Snowflake Says:

    red flag #1 – talking for 5 years without any inkling of wanting to meet til now.
    red flag #2 – OP was the one to fly to him
    red flag #3 – staying with the guy

    Sorry I still cannot get past the talking for 5 years to even have her other questions register.

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  11. wishing u well Says:

    I think that it may also be possible that now that he has gotten to spend time with her in person: he just may not like her all that much as a person. He’s treating her as if she is a guest in his hotel rather than a dating interest.

    OP: do not settle for polite tolerance. You should have moved into a hotel a long time ago. In 5 years he made no attempt to meet you? It’s likely that he enjoyed the online chatting diversion with no intention of it ever converting to reality. He liked living in fantasy land when it came to you. You are no one’s diversion.

    What do you really know of him? Nothing besides what he tells you. Let this go, go home, be fabulous, and kick start your in person dating life. In fact I would pretend that this dude never existed. In a way: he never did. I wish you well.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

    • Howard Says:

      When the fantasy is built so high, no reality can match it. That is an inevitable truism, people need to grasp. As Moxie always says, you just have to meet in person as quickly as possible.

      It seems like the last three posts have centered around this whole fantasy issue before actually meeting in person. I hope people are paying attention to it’s pitfalls.

      Even after we meet people, we have to pace ourselves. And don’t go the other way, stringing things out endlessly date after date, building more fantasy. There is a natural order to things:

      1. Meet as soon as possible

      2. Have fun with each other on the first date, and for god’s sake keep your panties on. If you can’t have fun without getting physical, it’s a bad sign.

      3.Start to really get to know the other person on the second date and onwards.
      -Let the sexual tension build for both of you with progressive physical contact as you go from date to date.
      -For heaven’s sake have sex, before you get to date number seven and eight. If you haven’t, as a woman, he doesn’t do it for you; mercifully cut him for your sake and his sake.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

    • Howard Says:

      When the fantasy is built so high, no reality can match it. That is an inevitable truism, people need to grasp. As Moxie always says, you just have to meet in person as quickly as possible.

      It seems like the last three posts have centered around this whole fantasy issue before actually meeting in person. I hope people are paying attention to it’s pitfalls.

      Even after we meet people, we have to pace ourselves. But. don’t go the other way, stringing things out endlessly date after date, building more fantasy. There is a natural order to things:

      1. Meet as soon as possible

      2. Have fun with each other on the first date, and for god’s sake keep your panties on. If you can’t have fun without getting physical, it’s a bad sign. We guys really don’t want to have sex with you on the first date. There is a fight going on inside of us. Our sexual side is saying hell yeah. But our better side wants a woman like our mom or our favorite aunt or favorite teacher.

      3. Start to really get to know the other person on the second date and onwards.

      4. Let the sexual tension build for both of you with progressive physical contact as you go from date to date. Sometimes women have to help a little here, if their guy is a little shy. It’s not the worst thing, a helluva lot better thing than a player.

      5. For heaven’s sake have sex, before you get to date number six and seven. If you haven’t, as a woman, he doesn’t do it for you; mercifully cut him loose, for your sake and his sake. Trust me, when things get strung out too long, the sex can never match up to the expectations.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

    • LostSailor Says:

      OP: do not settle for polite tolerance. You should have moved into a hotel a long time ago.

      Don’t “settle” for polite “tolerance”? Really? She should just move into a hotel? And just how would that work:

      Sally: I know I came out to stay with you, but I’m moving to a hotel for the rest of my stay. We’re still on for dinner and the show you bought tickets for, right?

      Dude: Uh, yeah, I guess, but you flew thousands of miles to stay here, so why the hotel now? There’s only the weekend left.

      Sally: You haven’t tried to fuck me, so I’m going to a hotel.

      Dude: But I thought we were more just friends for the past 5 years…

      Sally: No, if you don’t want to fuck me, I’m out of here

      Uh, yeah, that’s not awkward. If she’s going to leave, she should just take the hit on re-booking her ticket and go home.

      You are no one’s diversion.

      You don’t know that, because apparently she is.

      Let this go, go home, be fabulous, and kick start your in person dating life.

      The problem is, Sally has been “dating” this guy via online/phone for 5 years since she was 30. The chances that she’s “fabulous” don’t seem that high. One only flies thousand of miles to see someone you’ve never met for 10 days or so unless one doesn’t really have local options. I’d have to say that the evidence is that there isn’t much of a local in-person dating life to be had.

      Cheerleading is great for sports teams, not so valuable for dating and relationships…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • C Says:

        I dont know. The fact that she was casually chatting with some guy, got herself all hot and bothered over him and decided to fly out to meet him doesnt mean she is some sort of quasimoto with imaginary friends and 10 cats.

        I wouldnt assume she is flying this far because she cant get sex from any locals. She said she liked THIS particular guy. And yeah, not a great plan, but she threw caution to the wind and took her chances. Doesnt mean she cant find a man in Vegas. Just means she doesnt have a man she likes in Vegas right now.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

      • wishing u well Says:

        So this is why I say she should check into a hotel now (or now that I think of it, cut the trip super short):

        “He complimented me several times and told me how sexy I am. Even bought me roses and a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day but those have been the only romantic gestures…Why would he want me to come thousands of miles away just so I could sit on the couch watching tv with him? Doesn’t make sense. By the way, I have about 5 more days left here before I go home. ”

        So…I’m inferring that he is not doing anything dating wise. A card and $10 roses from the local 7-Eleven was just him being nice…not a sign of interest. And she clearly wanted more than friendship from him. So why even bother to stay longer? To wallow in the rejection? I’d accept that I flew out to pursue a fantasy and go home early now that the reality is clear.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      • wishing u well Says:

        Also: she is choosing to be a diversion rather than accepting the in person dating feedback in her area. Chasing a fantasy rather than improving her own reality. She can go home and be fabulous anytime she wants to….clearly she lacks confidence. Go to therapy. Join a gym. Diversify your interests. Try to expand your horizons. Find ways to improve your own life on your own. Flying out to meet a 5 yr “romantic” chat buddy that she thinks is more than it is smacks of trying to make a dating situation solve one’s problems rather than making the hard changes she may need.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  12. ATWYSingle Says:

    Viagra!
    Erectile dysfunction!
    Message boards!

    Something about her turned him off. It might not even be her looks. It might be something else, like maybe he thinks she’s expecting something from this or that she just might be a tad unhinged.

    I know it’s an unsettling thought, but just having a vagina isn’t enough sometimes. He’s not even trying to get physical with her. He won’t even sit near her. That’s not ED. That’s discomfort. Something about her has him freaked out, and I’m guessing that it’s that this stranger flew hundreds of miles to visit him and very possibly refused to get a hotel room and insisted she stay with him, making her seem more unhinged.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Moxie, it goes without saying that something about her turned him off, otherwise they’d be having sex right now. All I (and the rest of the “message board” version proponents) are saying that maybe the interaction that they had wasn’t romantic to begin with, and that he’d never seen her visit as a “sex trip” to begin with. Granted, he’d probably still have done her if he’d found her attractive, which it sounds like he didn’t.

      The possibility of them having five years of online conversation of a romantic/dating nature without ever meeting in person, just seriously freaks me out. That’d be all kinds of crazy in my book. I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that, when the OP says they’d been talking online for five years, she doesn’t mean online dating.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Nicole Says:

      That’s a good point Moxie… When you first said “not attracted” I assumed you meant physically, and I did wonder if she really could have misrepresented herself that badly for five years. (Besides, if she had led him to expect a hot sexy skinny girl, and then showed up 300lbs with a mustache, she’d know what was up and not be writing in!)

      But you’re right, he might just be creeped out by her showing up. If they’ve been casually chatting (sexy or friendly) all these years, he’s probably said “we should meet! Come visit!” dozens of times and only half meant it (or not at all!).

      Would love to know the tone of all those chats, and how the invite and arrangements for the visit went down.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  13. Lisa Says:

    Personally, if I had carried on any kind of relationship w/ a man for 5 yrs and was staying at his house for two weeks, I would just ASK. I would try to approach it humorously and lightheartedly but I would ASK rather than make myself crazy with this speculation. If nothing gets resolved during this visit, their friendship will likely end and her self confidence might take a big hit.

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    • Selena Says:

      This is what bothers me about this situation also. After 5 years of ‘electronic friendship’ and presumably some flirtation, wouldn’t they have exchanged pictures over the years? And after 5 years of *knowing* each other why doesn’t she feel comfortable asking him what the deal is? Why is she writing a blog instead of talking to him about it?
      We can all propose different theories, but he is the only one who knows.

      I’m wondering if both these people are very timid. Might explain why it took them 5 years to meet in person.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  14. BigCityLife Says:

    I wonder if in the 5 years that these two chatted did the chatting ever get sexual in nature. If you never had any sexy chat then I think the LW may have had the wrong impression about this trip.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • C Says:

      “All this time we had been talking online and on the phone he seemed like a very sexual person. So I’m finally here visiting him and some of the things he talked about we haven’t even done. ”

      Sounds like sexy chat to me.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        Sounds like sexy chat to me.

        Not necessarily. I talk about sex with my friends all the time. I’m not trying to be sexy, I’m just sharing a story. There’s sexy talk and then there’s talking about sex. They aren’t the same thing.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

        • C Says:

          Ok, good point. He may have just been sharing or boasting and she took the discussion as a promise of things to come. She didnt provide enough information…

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        OK, you make a good case that there were mutual sexy expectations beforehand.

        I’m just fascinated wondering WHAT the hell is going on that they’re on such different pages in person. Sure, something about her put him off, but what? Grossly misrepresented herself in photos? Intense, “suck the air out of the room” type personality? I’m assuming the goal of writing in is for her to find something constructive to work on to ensure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again. Is it simply to not invest so much in someone she hasn’t met?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  15. Yvonne Says:

    My guess is that the guy was never really all that interested. Why? Because if he had been, he would have gotten his butt out to visit HER a long time ago. Idle invitations asking her to come out and visit HIM were just that; a sign of either laziness, low interest, or low sex drive (he may be a better virtual lover than a real one). To top it off, this is a relationship where the parties live a considerable distance apart. There has to be mega-MUTUAL-chemistry and interest in order to make that work. And not all guys are willing to take advantage of a woman just because they can.

    Finally, she should have booked herself into a hotel in the first place. If they had hit hit off, she could have then stayed with him. But he should have been the one to make the first trip.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    • fuzzilla Says:

      This makes the most sense to me, that he did engage in “I want to have sex with you” talk but that to him it was just idle chitchat to kill time/stroke his ego. He was probably at least somewhat fond of her, but didn’t take her seriously, as an Internet Person Who Lives Far Away. Meanwhile, she took it all as serious as a heart attack.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  16. Yvonne Says:

    And here’s the other weird thing. This is a long first visit – almost 2 weeks! Who stays at the home of a virtual stranger for that long? And the OP is not thinking of booking the hotel room until the night before she leaves? What is she waiting for?

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    • Lisa Says:

      She is waiting for him to initiate sex!

      Yes, I agree. Two weeks is a very long time to stay at someone’s home, even for a relative or best friend.

      I wonder how they settled upon that length of time. And did they plan any fun activities fotr them to do together? (Or just tv at home?) Did he take time off work or is he sitting around for a big part of the day alone?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  17. Tinker Says:

    I can’t quite get with the ‘he didn’t expect her to really come’ argument. If that was the case he should’ve stopped bluffing when she discussed dates and bought the plane tickets- I doubt she just showed up at his door unannounced and planning to stay for two weeks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  18. Lisa Says:

    Does anyone think it’s possible the guy feels he isn’t measuring up to her expectations? Maybe he feels she is underwhelmed by his looks, his car, his house, or whatever? And can’t screw up the confident to bust his move?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

    • Lisa Says:

      confidence

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Not really, no. He won’t sit near her on the couch and acts like a tumbleweed is blowing by when she struts around in lingerie.

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      • Lisa Says:

        But don’t men who lack confidnce sometimes behave like that when they’re around women they like?

        IDK, just grasping at at straws.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

        • LostSailor Says:

          Sometimes, but not in a situation like this. A man (and I’m making a perhaps unwarranted assumption that he’s of a similar age in his mid- to late-30) who has a long-time online friend come visit him for nearly 2 weeks starting on VD and she’s wearing lingerie? Just a lack of confidence doesn’t explain his lack of initiation; that would be a cripplingly bad social skills and awkwardness and I don’t get that read from the OP’s letter.

          There’s something else going on here, and I think Moxie is probably right. There’s something about their in-person interaction that has turned him off, and Sally just isn’t picking up on it. It’s likely he’s trying to be friendly and get through the visit without a blow-up…

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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