Should You Stop Dating Until You’ve Lost Weight?

Let’s get serious for a moment, for the average adult female, a 15-20 lbs weight gain is at least 10-15% of their total body Women with scalesweight. Unless you lack self awareness you must know that you look different than your pictures. More to the point…why is dating your priority if you just had a major weight gain. You don’t weight gain by accident:

1. Work has become a problem/hurting your ability to manage your weight/health
2. You are eating your emotions
3. You are otherwise sick or hurt

There is no perfect time to date but I have to truly wonder why you would try to start a relationship when you are “on the ropes” in the rest of your life. – Rugbychix

 

Yeah! Stay home, fatty!! Amirite?

A 15-20 pound weight gain isn’t that big of a deal or even THAT noticeable depending on how someone carries the weight. I know that one of my photos on my profile makes me look a bit more slender than I am. I also know I’ve gained about 10 pounds since my sister died. Should I hide in my apartment?

Lucky for me the guys I date don’t have a “no fatty” rule or whip out a BMI calculator on our dates. – Moxie

 

Since the average american is already 10 to 15 lbs over weight that then makes them 30lbs overweight. This is why if someone is “skinny” or “athletic” in dating photos you are hedging your bets that they will be just a dumpy average american.

It’s also a long term commitment issue. If someone can’t maintain a consistent weight and level of health outside of a relationship there’s a pretty slim chance that’s going to happen in a relationship. Forget about after adding rugrats.

“I also know I’ve gained about 10 pounds since my sister died. Should I hide in my apartment?”

No, you should regain your emotional footing from that traumatic event and return to physical and mental equilibrium. Then you should go back to dating. – Rugbychix

 

Here’s where I stand on this issue. I don’t think there is ever really a “good” time to be dating. By that I mean that there’s always going to be something that makes you feel like you’re not at your optimum best. Health issues arise, work or employment status can change, our emotional well-being can change. Shit happens. Sure, there are periods here and there when we need to take a step back for a few days or even a week. But the idea that someone would cease dating until they lost 15-20 pounds seems a little silly. Not only is the visible difference not always noticeable, but if someone expects their dates to look exactly like their photos, that in and of itself speaks to how unreasonable their expectations might be. No, I don’t think it’s wise to post photos where you’re ten years younger or fifty pounds heavier. But there’s some wiggle room there that reasonable people expect and handle.

If everybody took a break from dating while they worked on themselves or so they could lose ten pounds, become more emotionally stable or not be unemployed/broke, dating sites would shut down. Sorry, but life is hard and comes with a series of experiences that can bring us to our knees. If you think your partner is going to stay EXACTLY the same after two, three, five years together, you’ve been watching too many movies.

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55 Responses to “Should You Stop Dating Until You’ve Lost Weight?”

  1. Sherry Says:

    This is America, where two-thirds of all women are either overweight or obese. However, men on online dating sites inundate the one-third of ‘thin’ women with messages and wonder why they get no responses.

    Sixty percent of all women in the U.S. are a size 14 or larger. It is unrealistic to expect the majority of women to drop out of the dating scene.

    In addition, men from certain races, cultures and subcultures are more open to dating / marrying overweight women. Significant numbers of African-American, Italian, and Mexican-American women are overweight or obese, yet they attract men in their communities with ease, hold their heads up high with confidence, and boil over with feminine sensuality. There’s no shame in their game!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 21 Thumb down 15

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    • mindstar Says:

      Dating and partnernership are different stages in life.

      Agreed it’s absolutely ridiculous to expect someone to stay the same after two, three, five years together and when I practiced divorce law I wouold remind clients of that. The person you married at 22 is going to look different at 30, 40, 50 etc.

      When you’re dating you at least have the expectation that people will put their best foot forward. If you’re unemployed (especially as a man) or suffering major depression maybe dating is not what you should be doing at that moment.

      No one should put their life on hold forever but they should also acknowledge that their results will be better if they’re in better shape and have their head on straight when they do go back into the dating world.

      Sherry are you open to dating an overweight/obese man? If so fine and may good fortune attend you. If not then don’t expect men to hold themselves to a standard you won’t hold yourself to.

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      • Sherry Says:

        mindstar: I’m 128 pounds with a normal BMI, and yes, I’ve dated overweight / obese men. While most men are visually-oriented and place a very high value on looks and body type, many women value non-physical attributes in men such as confidence, personality, sense of humor, and so forth.

        A guy could be a perfect 10 as far as looks are concerned, but he will still struggle in the dating game if he is illiterate, lacks confidence, has poor personal hygiene, and cannot keep a job.

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      • Nicole Says:

        “No one should put their life on hold forever but they should also acknowledge that their results will be better if they’re in better shape and have their head on straight when they do go back into the dating world.”

        This. If you are depressed and don’t have the energy to be good company, or you’re so stressed at work that you only have time to go out once a month, folks with options will move on pretty quickly. If you are noticeably heavier or older than your pictures, same thing will happen – either because your dates are bothered by the deception or simply because they’re not attracted to you in person.

        I generally think people would have better luck being honest… If you don’t have time or energy for a relationship, be upfront about just wanting to date casually. You’re more likely to meet people who will be cool with not being your top priority. And accurate pics are far more likely to attract people who will be interested in a second date.

        But no one is going to look exactly like their pictures. And if looks are ALL you care about, that attitude will shine through right away. And those folks with options will move on, because they can find someone who appreciates more about them than their clothing size.

        My weight fluctuates throughout the year, depending on how much I’m running. I’m talking 5ish lbs, but it’s noticeable on me because I’m 5’4 and have a small frame. The pictures I have up online were actually taken when I was a few pounds heavier than I am now. I suppose there are probably guys who will be disappointed that my boobs are a little smaller now than they looked online. Oh well. I figure if someone is that shallow, they are doing me a favor by never calling again.

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        • C Says:

          I’m going to disagree to a point. We arent all trying to date Ryan Gossling.

          People who are depressed look for care taker types. People who are so busy at work they can only go out once a month date single parents who are similarly busy.

          And fat people date other fat people.

          If only beautiful, athletic, well educated, happy, witty, emotionally available perfect people were capable of getting a date, there wouldnt be so many goofy looking, goofy acting kids in the world.

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          • Nicole Says:

            I’m not sure exactly what you’re disagreeing with…?

            I *think* what you’re saying is that there are plenty of people who would choose to date someone super busy/heavier/whatever even if they have other options. Either because they find those qualities attractive or because there is something else about the person that they really like. And I absolutely agree. That’s kind of what I was getting at with the “be honest” part of my comment – date the people who want to date you, and you’ll be a lot less frustrated. Only way to find those folks is to be upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for.

            I’m getting a little off topic here, but I do wonder about this … “People who are so busy at work they can only go out once a month date single parents who are similarly busy”. I can see two people who both have crazy work schedules having a great relationship… Mutual respect, support, understanding, etc. But the divorced dads I have met were pretty up front about NOT wanting to date women with hectic schedules. Between work and kids, these guys have only a certain amount of free time, and if a woman is tied up with kids and/or working late a lot, she’s probably busy on the only nights they’re free. So sometimes the busiest people are looking for a partner who has a more flexible schedule.

            “We aren’t all trying to date Ryan Gosling”… Nope, my boyfriend is a dead ringer for Keifer Sutherland, much more my type ;)

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          • C Says:

            My bad Nicole. When I initially read your comment, I zeroed in on one specific part of your answer. NAmely this:

            “If you are depressed and don’t have the energy to be good company, or you’re so stressed at work that you only have time to go out once a month, folks with options will move on pretty quickly.”

            I meant to respond that like attracts like so while its perfectly fine take some time off from dating if you so chose, theres also nothing to prevent you from finding a partner ever at your worst. You can likely still find an equitable partner if thats what you want.

            I just went back and reread your comment and whoops! Ok, we are saying the same thing. My bad.

            Kiefer Sutherland?! Ooo he is a hottie! Nicely done! Lol.

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    • GI_JANE Says:

      Take it from me, someone who lost over 100 lbs.

      1. 10-20 lbs looks different on every body type height, some people can get away with it, some can’t.

      2. I can’t tell you how many women I know who think that 3 lbs is some sort of dealbreaker for them or won’t date until they lose the last 5 and wouldn’t leave the house if they had 10-20.

      3. The truth is YES you would have way more dating options, 20 lbs is very noticeable on women bc most are 5’6 and under and men are superficial and you are one click away from someone thinner/younger/more attractive. But be honest with yourself, do you actually plan on losing the weight or are you in wish mode?

      4. “Someday” never comes.

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    • Howard Says:

      Well it’s up to the woman. If she can deal with what extra weight means in the dating arena, she will be fine. Extra weight means, that those guys who dislike weight, are out of her possibilities. It really shouldn’t be the horrible situation that people make it out to be. However, as humans, we do tend to like the things we can’t get, hence the problem.

      There is a small window to get with one of those guys who tend to like women who are not overweight. I don’t know why the bother, but it works like this. Treat it like a lottery and not get frustrated with the lowered odds and any ensuing rejection. That is a really difficult thing to do, so I recommend avoiding them all together, and not even losing a moment’s calm about it.

      The easiest solution is obviously someone who likes bigger girls. The danger here is obviously the fetishists. But they are always there, no matter the size or shape or look. Sometimes we have to like those who like us. The fetish worry is often baseless. Men who like larger women, often have female role models who are larger women, are thus more normal and open-minded than the fetish categorization suggests.

      The other solution is the game of dating economics. Dating economics is a thing we like to reject and ignore, because it’s a bucket of cold water over the head, for most. It works this way. That older guy may have to become a possibility, because he is so happy to get with a younger woman, that he is not worried about the weight. That shorter guy or non-college educated guy or whatever second-tier description a woman can come up with, will not worry so much about your weight because he is getting a woman that he would not normally have a chance with, if she were slim.

      The key is really the power of the mind. We create the state of our happiness, no matter the circumstance. We simply have to decide to be happy and open and not be frustrated nor feel rejected.

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  2. LostSailor Says:

    But the idea that someone would cease dating until they lost 15-20 pounds seems a little silly. Not only is the visible difference not always noticeable, but if someone expects their dates to look exactly like their photos, that in and of itself speaks to how unreasonable their expectations might be.

    I agree that being overweight shouldn’t stop anyone from dating as well as the idea that one shouldn’t expect someone to look exactly like their photos. If you’re not into more about a person than their weight or body shape, then dating probably isn’t going to work very well.

    That said. I really don’t agree that 15-20 extra pounds over what your photos depict isn’t “always” noticeable. Sure, depending on where it’s distributed and one’s particular body type 5-10 pounds might not be very noticeable, but I think that’s a pretty small number of people. Five to ten pounds isn’t, to me, that big of a deal, if it’s a gain from a reasonable weight to begin with (and I’m sure people will argue about what reasonable is: in this case it’s my personal preference for generally slim and fit women–my preference, my dating, my call). We all fluctuate over time.

    But 15-20 pounds is a bigger issue, and no matter what the body type, it’s going to be noticeable. Whether that’s a deal-breaker is a personal decision.

    Weight, however, shouldn’t stop anyone from dating, especially if one acknowledges that being overweight is likely to limit one’s options. But more to the point, one shouldn’t stop dating while one is trying to lose weight. But if one wants to maximize dating success, losing the weight is a part of increase that success.

    There are situations where dating probably isn’t a priority. As mindstar says, major depression; out of work and flat broke; significant trauma, especially emotional trauma would probably be higher priorities to deal with than dating…

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  3. C Says:

    ****Yeah! Stay home, fatty!! Amirite?

    Thats hilarious! I hope the poster is really young. I havent been “too gross to date” since I woke up with that really giant zip on my nose in high school.

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  4. babytalk Says:

    I really hesitated dating because I’d gained weight years ago and I was very embarassed about it. I had flattering face shots, no full body shots and selected “curvy” on my profile – I am about size 12-14. I also spelled out on my profile that I was NOT thin or skinny but curvy with an old-fashioned body.

    I was truly amazed that online dating completely made me shift how I saw myself. My self-esteem was so low because of the weight gain and lack of confidence that the positive response really made me feel better. I got so many replies that I slowly lost the fear of rejection I had. I met some guys who were attracted to me. I could not believe it!

    I still have a belly and all that but I am more confident. I went to a nutritionist and have been doing therapy which has helped overall. In a way I feel like the weight gain made me stand out more because I fit the sexy/curvy type some men like (but I didn’t). Before I was some random girl with a “normal” body type. (my boobs got a lot bigger with the weight gain by the way – TMI, i know.)

    Some people may not fit the usual “attractive” box but there are others who will appreciate you even if *you* don’t.

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  5. G Says:

    I don’t see any reason why someone HAS to stop dating until they reach their ideal weight. Very few people go without saying they couldn’t lose a few lbs.

    If we’re talking about online dating. I think this goes back to a question I asked here a few days ago. What is wrong with being honest about it?
    If you are not skinny or athletic, say so. If you have put on 10-15lbs since you last put a new photo online… why not put at least ONE new photo? It’s not really the actual weight gain that bothers me, it’s the fact that someone KNOWS they don’t look like their photo’s anymore but won’t change them “just to get a date”. I find it odd.

    But all that aside, there’s where this is weird to me. Why is ONLINE dating the ONLY thing ever brought up here? Does nobody date in the real world anymore? I mean, if I saw a skinny girl online and met her for a date and she was now clearly much heavier, I’d feel a bit duped. Yet, if I met the same girl at a bar on a night out, I could find her very attractive, as I have no knowledge of how she looked before and despite a 10-15lb gain she doesn’t exactly look fat.

    Why is it all about online dating though? Does nobody else meet people in the real world too? Shouldn’t online dating just be supplementing your dating life, not being it in its entirety?

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    • babytalk Says:

      G it’s just much harder meeting people offline. Unless you have a very social career and TONS of really social friends, it’s not that easy to meet people “in real life”. You can meet through friends, sure, or at a bar, fine, but with online dating you can really increase the frequency of dating and open up to people whom you would NEVER meet in a normal circumstance. In a way it feels less touchy and a little easier than “in real life”.

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      • PGHGal Says:

        First of all I think its insane that 15-20 pounds makes someone a “bigger girl.” Come on now. People come in a variety of shapes and sizes. And there arr PLENTY of men attracted to non-thin women. I’ve been curvy since puberty. Big boobs, small (but not ripped) waist and muscular thighs. I have gone through many stages dating wise, both feast and famine. I have found that in my 30s I have dated more thsn at any other point in my life. Confidence and seal acceptance is the biggest factor here since I’ve always eaten pretty healthy and taken care of myself. I am about 10 up from my lowest weight, but I am strong ans healthy. Men love my body and I have to mentally fight every day to keep the bullshit pressures placed on us out of my head (and before people start jumping to conclusions I am smack between an 8 and 10 in clothing size right now).

        As for why online dating is discussed so often, I’m a very sociable woman and am rarely approached by men. They simply don’t seem to do it anymore unless they want to take you home that night.

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    • Sherry Says:

      I have difficulty meeting men in real life due to several issues:

      1. I work the night shift as a nurse with a bunch of other females, so there’s no chance to meet men at my workplace.
      2. I do not have a large social circle. My friends and acquaintances are married, so there are no ‘ladies nights’ out at the bar anymore.
      3. The men who approach me in real life tend to have one or more problems that hinder dating (read: MARRIED, or aimless, or addicted, or 20+ years older than me, or jobless, etc.). In most cases online dating helps filter these men out.

      Online dating facilitates introductions to decent men that I otherwise would have never met through a chance encounter.

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      • Nicole Says:

        Yes, I’m in the same situation… Work in a female dominated field (early childhood education) and still live in the suburban house I bought with my ex husband. All my friends are either married or divorced with young kids. I can’t remember the last time I had a “girls night out” that didn’t include screaming toddlers and breast feeding breaks. And I’m fine with that, I never really liked the bar scene, probably because I’m a lightweight who has to quit after two drinks or risk throwing up on my shoes.

        Before I was online, the only men I met were friends of friends – and I hated the awkwardness of explaining to my married friends that just because two people are single doesn’t mean they will hit it off and live happily ever after. I had more dates in the first month of online dating than I did in two years of trying to meet people offline.

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    • C Says:

      I totally agree. Once I put some effort into it, I was only meeting maybe half my dates online and overall the quality of the dates was better offline even if things ultimately went nowhere.

      I think it depends on both your lifestyle and whether you live in an urban or suburban area.

      Urban areas, are just easier. You have the chance to interact with so many more people in your daily life and people are just more open to casual conversation. I’ve met at least a couple of guys during the 5 minute walk from the subway to my home. You see the same faces on your daily morning subway commute. You see the same faces at the starbucks, etc… Theres also meetups, you see the same faces at the same local joints, gym, athletic groups, etc… And there just seems to be a lot of singles in urban areas.

      I found suburban areas to be much harder to meet people for social activities in general in. Unless you belong to a giant church, you wont meet a lot of singles your age. Everyone is in their car until they get to work. People either do the drive through at starbucks or simply show no interest in chatting when you are in there. When I joined a huge local cycling club, almost everyone was married or in a relationship. The only men who tried to pick me up were a guy with a girlfriend, a guy 20+ years my senior, and a really nice guy who tried to hook me up with his gay son. It took me about 1-2 years of hanging out at the same coffee house before anyone talked to me and I was finally included in a fairly large social circle….but none of the folks in that circle were dating material (the only single guy in that group was in his 70s).

      In the 3 years I lived in the suburbs, i think I only went on a date with 2 men I met offline. The suburbs suck for dating.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I totally agree. This blog is way too focused on dating. Every day I come here expecting to see articles about things I’M more interested in like cooking, or fashion or gaming. Yet, every day it’s about dating. What gives? Doesn’t stop me from commenting relentlessly though lol.

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      • C Says:

        I think G wants to read a blog about crazy failed pickups at bars. Lol. I can kick this off. Anyone tried buying a drink for a girl with a big angry boyfriend?

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        • G Says:

          Not at all…. how is dating in real life not actual dating? I don’t even get your point???

          I mean, if the OP went out and met people in the real world, they would be seen for who they are and this topic wouldn’t even be a thing.

          I was just wondering… it all revolves around ONLINE dating. It’s like nobody actually dates or meets people in the real world.

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          • LostSailor Says:

            G, I don’t know about you, but I date in the “real” world. I meet people in the real world, and I date people I meet online in the real world.

            I’ve never actually “dated” anyone online. I’ve met them there, but I date them in person…

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          • C Says:

            It was a joke in response to DMNs joke. I thought that perhaps rather than reading crazy online dating questions it might be fun to read about some crazy offline dating adventures.

            It wasnt a dig at you.

            I gave a serious reply to your question above.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Sure, people date offline. I met my husband on campus. Of course, that was in the 80s and I am a bit older now.

      Right now, don’t know if it’s my age, introvert tendencies, or what, but I don’t feel comfortable dating people I meet IRL, with a few exceptions. There’s a difference between two 20 year olds meeting in a residence hall and hitting it off, and a creepy old man chasing a middle-aged woman around a grocery store or a gym because he looked at her face and decided they are a perfect match. I belong to a few meetups, for my hobbies, but am still on the fence about dating there. I mean, if you meet, say, four people online, and have 4-5 dates with each (sex possibly involved) before you finally decide to go with guy number five, that’s standard operating procedure. If you do the same in a meetup group of 40-50 people, you’ll probably gain a reputation before you even get to guy number three. There’ll be no perfect match number five – he’ll hear rumors about you going through every guy in his meetup group, and will never ask you out. Not to mention the awkwardness of the situation when you and all the guys you’ve dated and turned down still show up at the same meetup events all together. I hear about dating in meetup groups all the time, I just don’t know how people manage to pull it off and not have to leave the group.

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      • Steve Says:

        I wished I had the problem you had, too many sex partners within 1 meetup group, and they all find out about it and you get a bad rep. I’m lucky to find one I even remotely click with. Seems like most meetups are sausage fests and/or not many attractive women.

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        • Goldie Says:

          Two words… book club. That is the one meetup group I belong to where I don’t even remotely measure up to the competition. 15-20 women at every meetup, all 15-20 years younger than me and super attractive. And five lucky guys in their 40s sitting around, taking in the beauty of their surroundings.

          I’ve had people try to date me at the “sciency” and hiking meetups. Apparently there are a lot of couples forming and breaking up and forming again in my hiking meetup especially.

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    • Lisa Says:

      I’m a divorced mother w/ two young kids so I don’t get “out” much. Plus, I’m super picky. I have a long list of specifics I have to have. Not just arbitrary random preferences but characteristics I consider significant. I have no desire to do the marriage thing again or have any more kids and I already have a home and a career, so I can afford to take my time and be as picky as I want.

      After my kids go to bed, if I have a little free time or am just in the mood for some chit chat, I will log on. It’s fun to me. I love the excitement of the full inbox, weeding thru the jokers, connecting w/ someone nice and getting ready for the “blind date.” It’s so much more fun to me.

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  6. K Says:

    People should date whenever they want. Why not just post recent pics so ppl can decide if your 15-20lb suits them? I wouldn’t want to go on a date hoping no one would notice from my last pics just bc I didn’t notice. We often are blind to our own shortcomings.

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  7. Rugbychix Says:

    “If everybody took a break from dating while they worked on themselves or so they could lose ten pounds, become more emotionally stable or not be unemployed/broke, dating sites would shut down. Sorry, but life is hard and comes with a series of experiences that can bring us to our knees. If you think your partner is going to stay EXACTLY the same after two, three, five years together, you’ve been watching too many movies.”

    So here’s the problem, we can only judge based on what we see of the person in the here and the now. You are focusing on the wrong element of this initial assessment. How someone deals with stressors, in the here and now, almost always is reflected in their body. So yes, if if someone eats their stress, drowns it in a bottle or at a blackjack table, that’s something you learn in the here and now. Obesity and most of the other signs of an unhealthy life style are not things to be ignored. They aren’t like a congenital birth defect or large birth mark. The latter are things you have no real control over the former are a direct response to how you live your life.

    If someone deals badly with stress today than it’s highly unlikely they will get better without a serious intervention. I don’t believe in making a SO a “project” whereby I “fix them.” So says, when I see that someone is up 10-15lbs (more like 25-30 lbs on the size of guys i like to date) it’s a massive red flag.

    I know people don’t want to hear this but it really is better to be single (unless you are really jonseing to be a mother) and have a vast social network of happy, well balanced people, than to be in a relationship with someone who is not those things. It requires a lot more mental toughness because you need to reject the societal pressure. I would contend that once you are capable of being truly happy alone ,without that pressure effecting you , than dating will truly open up for you. Until then you are just a hamster on society’s wheel, chasing what you’ve been told to chase.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      A lot of this seems like concern trolling nonsense (really? Twenty extra pounds means you’re this out of control, miserable wreck of a human? Oh, FFS). Or if not outright nonsense, then a kernel of a reasonable idea exaggerated to absurdity. I agree x1000 with the last paragraph, though.

      I lucked out and found a dude who looks like ’70s era Bruce Springsteen and likes curvy/chubby chicks (which means I don’t have to obsess about getting thin to attract someone, not that I have a license to gain weight).

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    • Nicole Says:

      “So yes, if if someone eats their stress, drowns it in a bottle or at a blackjack table, that’s something you learn in the here and now.”

      Well, yeah, but that’s a big red flag whether the person in question is fat or skinny. And it’s something you learn by getting to know somebody and spending time with them, not something you can assume based on their BMI. Skinny folks can have issues, too.

      “Obesity and most of the other signs of an unhealthy life style are not things to be ignored. They aren’t like a congenital birth defect or large birth mark. The latter are things you have no real control over the former are a direct response to how you live your life.”

      First of all, 10 lbs, even 25 lbs, overweight is not obese (unless you’re talking about a midget). Second, some people have a much harder time than others maintaining a healthy weight. I have friends who eat less and exercise more than me, but are heavier. Genetics, hormones, medications all affect how hard it is to lose weight. Most people without a severe health issue can get slim. But some of us get there easily and others would have to starve and do hours of exercise a day.
      Which brings me to my third point … There’s nothing wrong with having other priorities above fitness. I think carrying a little extra weight but making time for friends, family, and a fulfilling career is much healthier than sacrificing all that to spend time at the gym.

      If physical fitness is a huge priority for you, date someone who feels the same. I can’t imagine that’s hard to find, last time I looked half the dudes on OKC had shirtless gym selfies.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      You are focusing on the wrong element of this initial assessment. How someone deals with stressors, in the here and now, almost always is reflected in their body.

      Opinions are not facts. And while it’s marginally true that people deal with “stressors” in different ways, and sometimes that can be “reflected” in their bodies, I suppose you must have the special sense to see if someone likes to play blackjack it’s “reflected” in their body.

      Certainly a person who is chronically obese or a full-blown alcoholic, it’s likely to result in physical signs, but those are extremes that will also be readily apparent in their behavior.

      Someone with an extra 5-10 pounds over an “ideal” in this country isn’t a sign of a character-defect red flag. It’s called “being an American.” Especially as we age (which I believe was Moxie’s point) that tends to be the norm. 30 pounds overweight may or may not indicate a personality problem (probably not), even if it’s not for you.

      If dating very fit people is your preference, that’s fine, but to project dire personality defects on people who don’t meet your preference says a bit more about you than them.

      I completely agree that having a well-balanced life and social group and being happy with oneself on your own is an important part of dating. I’ve often said if you can’t live well and contentedly on your own, it’s not going to get better with someone else.

      But your last sentence is just self-serving bullshit. As are your comments that make up the OP. Essentially you’re saying “people who don’t meet my fitness preferences and to whom I’m not attracted must be somehow damaged and they shouldn’t date because they’re getting in my way.”

      Sorry, but “unattractive to me” doesn’t mean they are damaged. And it’s too bad you have to contend with such people when you’re trying to date, but, hey, that’s life. Deal with it…

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    • C Says:

      “If someone deals badly with stress today than it’s highly unlikely they will get better without a serious intervention.”

      Someone who gains 15 pounds needs an “intervention” because their life is spiraling out of control? “Eating their stress”?

      Are you anorexic? I’m serious.

      If you dont like guys who are 15 or 20 or 30 pounds overweight, thats ok. But like Nicole said, someone who is 15 pounds overweight is not obesity or living a life thats spiraling out of control.

      Furthermore, I’ve gained 15 pounds before after some injuries that prevented me from working out (not “eating my stress”) and guess what, my weight was still normal. I started out slightly underwieght and I finished at the upper end of normal for my height.

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    • Goldie Says:

      ***If someone deals badly with stress today than it’s highly unlikely they will get better without a serious intervention. I don’t believe in making a SO a “project” whereby I “fix them.” So says, when I see that someone is up 10-15lbs (more like 25-30 lbs on the size of guys i like to date) it’s a massive red flag.

      I know people don’t want to hear this but it really is better to be single (unless you are really jonseing to be a mother) and have a vast social network of happy, well balanced people, than to be in a relationship with someone who is not those things. ***

      Sounds reasonable, but a lot of people actually lose weight when they’re depressed or stressed (myself included). So technically, if you see someone that’s lost a lot of weight recently, and is, say, down by 10-15 lbs (instead of up), you should also see it as a massive red flag and pass on dating that person. Do you?

      Personally, while yes I agree that it isn’t a good idea to date someone who is dealing with a lot of his own baggage right now, I wouldn’t advise to use weight fluctuations as a way to determine this. People gain weight because their metabolism slows down as they age, because they develop medical conditions as they age, because they go on medications for those conditions that have weight gain as a side effect etc. I just gained a few pounds in January because we had a whole month of temps in the lower digits and I couldn’t hike and be active outdoors as much as I normally am. There are tons of possible reasons other than “he’s eating his way out of a nervous breakdown”. Wanna know if the guy *is* an emotional mess? Maybe pay attention to what he does and says, instead of to his waist size – that should be a better indicator in my opinion.

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  8. POV Says:

    Sounds like rugbychix has body issues. Maybe she should take a break from dating until she figures them out.

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  9. BostonRobin Says:

    Ever heard the expression “lean and mean?”

    Unless someone has a professional reason for having a sculpted body (performer, personal trainer, etc.), I have to wonder why anyone would go to all that trouble. It’s an addiction just like any other, because it turns your focus away from yourself and your real life to this image of the way you want to look.

    I’m fit and active, hang out with people like myself. No one has a “magazine body!” I have to wonder who those people are and how they have time to do anything besides work out and plan their reduced-calorie meals.

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    • mindstar Says:

      It’s like most things in life. Fine if done in moderation dangerous if taking to extremes. There are some people who severely obsess over missing even one workout and others who are happy eating a pint of Haagen Daaz per day. Neither option is healthy and both have long term consequences.

      I think Max Ehrmann said it best in a line from “Desiderata”

      “Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.”

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  10. Lisa Says:

    I recently joined a dating site and exchanged numbers w/ one particular guy this wknd. We were having a nice conversation that, I thought, was going to lead to a nice date. Then mid-conversation, the guy broke the flow and asked, “so what attracts you to a guy?” And he persisted w/ follow up questions such as, “must every guy you date be built like Dwayne Johnson (The Rock)? Really threw me.

    Finally, he leveled w/ me that he is “a big guy” and asked me if I would be OK w/ that. I asked “how big?” (Maybe that was the wrong thing to say?)

    He asked if I’d looked at all of his pics.

    Honestly, it’s hard to keep track of who is who and I couldn’t remember.

    I prefer men to be reasonably fit but I don’t have any hard and fast rules on that kind of thing.

    So he told me to go recheck his pics and get back to him; basically let him know if he is too unacceptably fat to date.

    He went on to assure me that he’s not “sloppy” and is currently working w/ a trainer. And that he is currently doing some “major housekeeping” so when he meets the right woman, he can offer her a “home” and not a just a place to crash.

    Very awkward situation. I feel like he is inviting me to objectify him and if we ever do meet, his weight will be a big pink elephant in the room.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      And he persisted w/ follow up questions such as, “must every guy you date be built like Dwayne Johnson (The Rock)? Really threw me.

      It sounds like when he asked you what attracted you to a man you said something that triggered an insecurity or you came off like you placed a lot of importance on a guy being in shape. Which, at 61, seems kind of shallow and unnecessary. And I realize you’re just swamped with potential suitors, but admitting that you didn’t remember who you were talking to really just makes you sound thoughtless. If you actually came out and admitted you didn’t remember what he looked like, well, now you understand the title of this website.

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      • Lisa Says:

        No, I don’t think I said anything that could have made him feel insecure. I was too busy trying to figure out who Dwayne Johnson was. LOL

        I clearly remembered what his primary pic looked like. But no, I couldn’t picture any others.

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        • K Says:

          why didn’t you just go back and look at his pics? was he asking you to respond about the pics while you talked on the phone? seems like he thinks his pics show him as larger and if that made it past your initial assessment you probably are ok with it. I don’t mind a little bit larger guys. It’s only bothered me when they were clearly larger than any of their pics.

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          • Lisa Says:

            Well, I wasn’t going to look at the pics during the conversation. That would have been even worse bc I would have had to form and tell it to him while he was on the phone.

            But I did go back and look later and yes, he is a larger man. Larger than what I like. But it might not be unworkable, esp since he is working w/ a trainer. I need a face-to-face date to make determinations on all sorts of things.

            He had hinted that he might want us to meet up that night. But I told him I had already made tentative plans w/ a friend. And as it turned out, I wound up going forward w/ my tentative plans w/ the friend. So I guess now he feels I’ve snubbed him after going back and looking at his pics.

            But anyway, I guess my point is, this particular guy was uncomfortable w/ his weight. We were having a really great conversation that he derailed to start needling me about how I feel about larger men. And then went into a whole thing about being a work in progress.

            We should all be works in progress IMO. But at the same time, we should all be complete ppl as we are, who are generally satisfied w/ ourselves and our lives.

            The weight thing sounds like a chip on this guy’s shoulder. And while extra weight might be OK for some ppl, a chip usually isn’t.

            Ppl who are overweight and still confident and don’t feel they have to qualify it and explain it and have others assure them it’s OK, should date. But maybe guys like the one I spoke with this wknd shouldn’t bc it’s probably going to be subtext in too many of his interactions.

            IDK the answer.

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  11. Lisa Says:

    Sorry, I didn’t express myself correctly above. I meant, in general, I don’t form an opinion on whether or not i’m attracted or think I’m compatible with someone, etc., until safter we meet. But this guy seems a bit too defensive about his weight issue (which may or may not have even been an actual problem for me) that it might just make the entire thing too awkward.

    He was awfully nice and funny tho. I wish he wouldn’t have started grilling me on the phone.

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    • POV Says:

      Right, that’s what people tell others when they have to find an excuse for rejecting him for his weight.

      Hey there’s nothing really wrong with that, you like what you like, but you really don’t have to obfuscate.

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      • Lisa Says:

        But the thing is, i’d glanced at the guys pics and found nothing so alarming that I wanted to cut off communication. I exchanged numbers with him and was having a nice conversation…looking fwd to a nice date. I hadn’t ruled him out or rejected him…until he started obsessing about it.

        I once met a man who was retired from the Army, had served in Iraq and Afghanistan. That’s basically all I knew. We talked, set up a date and met. Nice conversation. I liked him. Halfway thru the date, he picked up his hand and showed me that it had been ripped apart by an improvised explosive device and lost a couple of fingers and many of the bones.

        I continued dating him bc it really wasn’t that big a deal…at least not to me. But if he would have started grilling me on the phone about how many fingers must a man have in order for me to date him and promising me he’s not “gimpy” and working faithfully w/ an occupational therapist, etc., I would have passed on the date. Not bc of the missing fingers but bc of the insecurity abt it.

        Yes, I prefer an average-sized man. And yes, I prefer a man w/ 10 fingers. But these preferences aren’t set in stone.

        I’m not looking for any excuses to tell anyone. I have no problem saying no for any reason I choose.

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  12. Nick Says:

    As a man, I am astonished at the lengths some women will go to to justify being overweight, even as they bemoan their single status. It is extremely obvious that men are attracted to women who are slender as opposed to heavier. Guys who go for fat women are typically settling since they think they can’t do better, or they have a fetish for BBWs. But normal, employed guys who are confident and socially adept will avoid fat women, if not for their own lack of attraction to them but also due to the stigma associated with being with a fat person.

    You can control your body, and if you get to a healthy weight you will attract better quality men. What’s important to you, eating what you want or finding someone? If it seems like a hard choice, consider how many times that box of donuts has told you it loves you back.

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    • Goldie Says:

      I’d hazard a guess that most of us commenting on this thread (myself included) are of a normal healthy weight, and fairly content with their single status. Most of us do find fat-shaming a turnoff though. If a man told me IRL, about overweight women in abstract, some of what you wrote here, I’d probably respond by saying that he can kiss my size 8 ass and have a nice life. But that’s not even the subject of this post and comments. The post was in response to a POV that extra weight (as little as 10-15 pounds of it), or a 10-15 lbs weight gain, in and of itself, somehow means that the person is an emotional mess, depressed, stressed, dealing with baggage, and so forth. Which is a load of BS in my layman’s opinion.

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    • mindstar Says:

      I think part of the reason for the negative comments regarding excess weight is that for many men and women it’s often evidence of a lifestyle of poor choices.

      Choosing to drive instead of walking, taking the elevator instead of walking up or down 3 or 4 flights of stairs, consistently making poor food choices. When someone of normal weight meets someone overweight (and I am NOT talking about 10 or 20 lbs)they are faced with that issue.

      A few days ago I was reading about this point and came upon a comment that essentially said that healthy weight people have made a practice of consistently choosing long-term health and fitness over immediate gratification. That’s something you have to consider in determining future compatibility.

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      • Lisa Says:

        And also bc after a certain age (and esp w/in certain ethnic groups), obesity leads to myriad debilitating physical problems. Having to care for a sick partner or limit yourself bc of your partner’s health conditions, are not minor things to gloss over.

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  13. D'Alias Says:

    Nobody is obligate to deal with the very real potential consequences of dating an obese or overweight person. And nobody is obligated to give somebody they don’t find attractive a chance. But quite a few of the comments on here remind me of how rampant ignorance surrounding obesity really is in the general public. Plenty of heavy people exercise & eat nutritious food. Some have issues with combining the foods optimally, some have minor physical issues that predispose them to carry more fat, and, yes, some people are sedentary and eat poor diets. Just remember that health is not determined by weight – there are many thin,
    hot people struggling with physical ailments that aren’t visible to the naked eye. You don’t HAVE to date fat people, but you don’t have to pretend you have a PhD in obesity studies and shame them with ignorant assumptions either.

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  14. DeLaRosa Says:

    First of all, let’s stop pretending that we are all so concerned with “mental state” and “lifestyle choices”… This is aesthetics and physical attraction, period. We just bring up health to make us sound less shallow.

    I had a seriously overweight boyfriend who I was friends with for a long time before I fell in love with him, & we started dating for 3 years. I will tell you honestly, If I had seen his online profile picture, it would have been an instant delete.

    Online dating is what it is, the first thing you see & respond to is a photograph, and if that doesn’t pass muster, there is no time to consider other attributes…

    (BTW, I was 119 pounds and a size six, and he complained if I gained an ounce, but I’m not going to fault him for that, because he signed up for me at my size, and I accepted him at his at the outset)

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    • what? Says:

      If he complains that you gain an ounce, your logic that he “signed up for it” so it’s OK with you to accept him for him and let him control and objectify your body. Wake up!

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  15. what? Says:

    There are sooooooooo many men out there who like bigger women. Why the hell not? The problem is you women don’t think you are beautiful and so you have to hide. I’m sorry to say, but your face and overall style and how the weight is distributed does mean something. Not the fact you are big. That is such a f8cking turn on when you open yourself up sexually for a man. Can see it in the photos too. How is that possible when you hate yourself? Listen girls, it’s not the fat keeping the guys away. It’s the way you are presenting yourself and that beautiful body. You are a women. Men will love you if you love yourself. Stop complicating things and making yourselves live in this world of suffering ashamed of your bodies. You are making your own private hells.

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